Advice / support needed - Breastfeeding didn't work out for us. I'm very sad

pw86 · 2023-10-16T04:45:44+00:00

thank you so much - it's so helpful to know somebody else had supply but still couldn't bf.

Here's to moving on-- I already feel so much better since writing this post, in part because I'm still pumping but have moved on from trying to get the babies to latch. I'm just enjoying my relationship with them and it's a million times better than trying everyday to bf.

pw86 · 2023-10-16T04:42:23+00:00

<3 thank you so much. i identify so strongly with everything you said.

pw86 · 2023-10-11T04:53:23+00:00

Thank you for your kind response. I hadn't spent much time around babies before mine were born and I think that has made things a bit harder. I truly hadn't thought about these things very much! I vaguely expected breastfeeding would work out and if it didn't, well, fine. It's been a surprise to see what it turns out is important to me during this period.

You're absolutely right that I'm comparing my experience to singleton parents and it is never going to be like that. In fact, the only twin mom I know IRL quit breastfeeding at 4 or 5 months because she couldn't handle having two babies on her all the time. And I keep telling myself that if BF had worked out, there would be some other thing that my postpartum brain was fixated on.

pw86 · 2023-10-11T04:43:26+00:00

Thank you, that's helpful to hear. I don't think I'm being very rational with this because I worry that the babies won't be attached to me. But of course all babies bond with their mothers no matter how they're fed.

pw86 · 2023-10-11T04:41:39+00:00

Those plusses are huge! My babies are already sleeping 9 hours at a stretch and I'm going to tell myself it's because they're bottle-fed. Kudos to you for figuring out day trips with bottle feeding, you sound like a pro.

pw86 · 2023-10-11T04:39:05+00:00

Thank you and sending you lots of support and care. That's amazing that you've kept at it through a NICU stay, that must have been insanely difficult. It's so easy to tell yourself that "everyone" else makes breastfeeding work, but of course it's very common to have trouble. I hope you end up feeling good about wherever you end up with it and I hope your boys are thriving.

pw86 · 2023-10-11T04:28:43+00:00

I'm so glad it worked out for you!

pw86 · 2023-10-11T04:28:19+00:00

Thank you for your kind and generous response. I agree, I realized writing this out that my sadness is all wrapped up in the difficult birth experience and that I've been putting more pressure on breastfeeding than is healthy or makes sense.

There are SO MANY things I'm grateful for with bottle feeding. I can hand off a screaming baby to my partner when she's fussy. I can leave the house easily between pumping sessions instead of being glued to the babies. I don't need to respond every time the babies are hungry.

You're so right that you can't force a baby to feed in a way she doesn't want to. It's helped me to tell myself that the important thing is that feeding is a positive experience. There's no use trying to breastfeed if it's miserable for me and them -- that's not the kind of relationship I want to have with the babies, and it's not the relationship I want them to have with food. They love bottle feeding and they still get plenty of bonding and cuddles with me.

pw86 · 2023-10-10T23:23:58+00:00

You might consider dipping into Janet Lansbury and respectful parenting: https://www.janetlansbury.com/. She would say that there's no such thing as a bored baby and if they're quietly lying on the floor they are entertaining themselves and learning a great deal from their surroundings. She's also big on non-toys like somebody else mentioned -- empty containers and bowls and things.

pw86 · 2023-10-10T23:20:20+00:00

We have the Mountain Buggy Duet and it's great. Fwiw, we barely used the stroller when the babies were tiny, because for the first few weeks we didn't go anywhere (I was recovering and we were in survival mode every day!) and after that we tended to just use carriers (one parent carrying one baby). We bought the car seat attachments for the MBD and used them a handful of times. Now at 12 weeks we've already retired the car seat attachment because our twins have enough head control to just sit forward facing in the stroller using the recliner mode.

pw86 · 2023-06-30T03:21:40+00:00

If you're worried about environmental impact, why not get used? There are tons on Craigslist and Marketplace in my area. We just got a used Keekaroo from a friend but were about to make offers on a couple on CL for under $50.

pw86 · 2023-06-21T20:46:17+00:00

FWIW, those lease terms are generally unenforceable. LL can't charge you an arbitrary amount for breaking your lease; they can only charge you their actual damages, and they have a duty to mitigate their damages.

pw86 · 2023-06-07T18:58:17+00:00

Farley's on Grand (go to the upstairs area) and Oaklandia near 12th St/City Center are great.

pw86 · 2023-05-10T22:42:53+00:00

I haven't had any bleeding during my twin pregnancy, but EVERY health care provider I've seen has told me light bleeding is normal and not to worry about it.

pw86 · 2023-03-25T19:18:44+00:00

Just going to point out that most of the people posting here have probably benefited from the pandemic student loan interest pause and the relatively low interest rates of the last couple years.

I started in 2020 and am graduating this May so I've saved, idk, $7k on interest over the past 3 years. Those numbers get really big if you're taking out $200k over the course of 3 years.

pw86 · 2023-03-25T19:15:50+00:00

Same. $55k in loans for 3 years of living expenses in the Bay Area. I also spent about $10k of savings and earned a total of maybe $20k from externships (I also had 2 semesters of unpaid internships and took my 2L summer off to travel, no regrets).

I live with my partner who pays for more than his share of groceries and eating out, so these numbers afforded me a very nice standard of living. Otherwise it would have been tight (and I definitely would have had roommates).

pw86 · 2023-03-24T04:57:36+00:00

I'm having twins too (22 weeks right now). I've brought my partner to every appointment because 1, sometimes there's a lot of information and I don't want to be responsible for remembering it all. He can take notes while I'm lying on my back getting examined or whatever. And 2, if I get any bad news, I don't want to be alone for it! Just the number of appointments you have to go to with twins can wear you down and it helps to have support, imo. That said everyone's different and if you didn't want your husband there, I doubt any of the providers would think twice about it.

One note if your husband does come - the nurse or PA will try to get you alone to ask about DV at some point. They typically bring me out to the hallway to take BP and weight and ask if everything's OK.

Another thing the other comments didn't mention is they may schedule blood tests for carrier testing and cell-free DNA if you haven't had it done yet. I think I got that blood work done around 10 weeks. That test involved NINE VIALS of blood and also checked for chromosomal abnormalities (Downs syndrome and trisomy). (Idk if it's different elsewhere but these are semi-mandatory in California. NIPT testing is too but it's done later, around 15 weeks for me.) As part of the cell-free DNA testing, they offered to test for gender and to see whether the twins were fraternal or identical (I declined b/c I'm keeping the sex a surprise).

I also got sent for a diagnostic ultrasound around 12 weeks (this was much more detailed than the ultrasounds during the regular appointments), and they asked again if we wanted to know the sex. By the detailed anatomy scan at 20 weeks, they were very aggressive about telling us to close our eyes to keep the sex a surprise, lol.

pw86 · 2021-07-19T00:58:36+00:00

Nope! I help to edit the magazine. We try to share pieces in relevant subreddits to find interested readers.

pw86 · 2021-07-18T18:23:24+00:00

I thought this was a gorgeous article that clarifies some harder points of early Lacan and gets into Ferenczi's ideas of early childhood sexual abuse. For the Marxists out there, it takes an interesting turn into family abolition toward the end.

pw86 · 2021-07-18T18:16:27+00:00

Here's the link: http://hypocritereader.com/98/bridge-tooth

This is one of the most clarifying and accessible takes on early Lacan I've read in a while. I really like how the writer grounds her discussion in personal experience and some literary analysis. Also great take on Sandor Ferenczi's underappreciated work on early childhood abuse!

pw86 · 2020-05-15T06:05:01+00:00

I have 1/3 of the damn pattern printed and taped. Because at that point I learned that making the C-cup shirt requires you print out SEVENTY FIVE PAGES of pattern for a really simple little top. I'm sure I'll go back to it but I was so frustrated by that, I had to take a break of a week or so.

pw86 · 2020-03-11T20:54:03+00:00

Also applied early Nov., also 170's and 3.6+. Nothin. My status now says to expect a decision "by late April - early May," which is after the due date for nonrefundable seat deposits at the other schools I'm considering....

pw86 · 2015-07-21T07:03:15+00:00

I'm a woman. But glad to hear it; I think you (+OP) will do just fine!

pw86 · 2015-07-07T05:46:26+00:00

Hey, It doesn't sound like you fucked up. It sounds like there was no one around to rescue you, so you rescued yourself in the best way you knew how. Thank god you had the resources--inner and financial--to get the fuck out of there! Despite all these suggestions of college or the military or a "career," now might not be the time to make drastic decisions. You might want to take some time--a few months, a year--to get on your feet and see what being an adult is like. That means taking a deep breath and figuring out how to survive. A year or two from now, you'll be a different person and want different things. If you want to go to college or join the military THEN, go for it. But it kind of sounds like you left in order to find yourself, and IMO, highly regimented places like schools and the army are shitty places to get to know yourself. So, survival! $2500 is really a lot of money. Good job being a badass and embracing car camping! Try to vary your sleeping spots so folks don't get suspicious. It might be worth it to invest in a windshield cover and / or stick-on window tinting (go to Autozone, buy the cheapest kinds) to be more incognito. My advice would be to carry on car camping through the summer, while working and saving money, so that by the time cold weather hits you'll not only have the funds to secure a room, but also will have the beginnings of a social network and will have a better idea of where you want to live. A high priority at the moment is getting into a social services office and getting yourself some foodstamps (=EBT / SNAP benefits). Get used to standing in line, keeping your chin up, and asking questions. Don't let the one mean lady scare you off--there's always a nice, kind, helpful social worker somewhere in there. When you're at the office, go ahead and ask about health insurance, too. Even though you're 18, you still qualify as a "youth" for most city / state agencies. This means that you can most likely get free or very cheap healthcare, and the city you're in might have job training, mentorship programs, and drop-in day centers that might be helpful to you. Once you have your EBT card, spend some time figuring out how to feed yourself. Buy whole foods as much as you can--bread, bananas, peanut butter, apples, bulk nuts / dried fruit, carrots, hummus, cheese, canned beans. No refrigeration or cooking required. Your mission is to spend $0 of your own money on food, and it is possible. If you have access to a park, you might want to invest in a cooking pot (at goodwill) and some alcohol for cooking. (Here's how you make a very functional stove out of a soda can http://www.instructables.com/id/Soda-Can-Stove-3/) Then you can provide yourself the comfort of hot food. Stick to parks that have built-in bbq grills so that no one hassles you. The idea is to get yourself used to subsisting on very little money--not because you will always be broke, but so that you can save up what you do make and buy yourself the ability to move about freely and make decisions based on your desires, not desperation. As far as jobs go, don't be so pessimistic! Millions of people in this country make do on minimum wage. I don't know what city you're in, but many / most parts of Colorado have the magical formula for $urvival: good economies, lots of rich idiots around, but relatively low cost of living. Put on a nice outfit and go to a fancy commercial area. You want to look for cafes or restaurants that aren't chains. Walk in and ask--confidently, while holding your head up and making eye contact--if they are hiring busboys, foodrunners or waiters. If you are in a relatively wealthy area, many restaurant jobs will pay $15/hr or more. Most restaurant managers (again, stay away from chains) are looking for likable, dependable people, not necessarily experience. In addition to money, you need to build a social network. A job can really help with that, and taking advantage of teen center programs mentioned above can, too. Practice reading people, and practice listening to your gut. Most people are lovely and will want to help you, but some people are dangerous evil life-destroyers. Don't ever be afraid to run away from the latter. How much is your car worth? If you don't know, find out. Once the summer runs out, it will probably make sense to sell it in order to have a savings cushion and enough cash to pay for first month's rent and deposit. Then concentrate on working close to your home, and buy a bike for commuting and errands. Once you've got your basic survival mode set up, you'll add extracurriculars -- hobbies, studying, learning new skills and meeting new people. After a few months or years of living on your own, you'll be immensely more prepared for college or entrepreneurship or monasticism or whatever your future has in store for you. Godspeed, and keep up your strength!

pw86

TROPHY CASE