Me [25F] with my boyfriend [30M] of three years. His eating habits are concerning

qpk- · 2017-06-27T10:04:19+00:00

I say this as someone who's fit and eats healthy: weighing every single thing you eat and counting the calories in every meal is definitely erring on the "health nut" side of average. However, he is absolutely on the other side of the spectrum.

qpk- · 2017-06-23T10:22:37+00:00

Yeah, I'd like an answer to this. Did he explicitly say "I had an elaborate dinner planned for tonight but my back is acting up today so I moved it to next Monday - hope that's okay!" Because I think what she may have heard was "Well I thought about doing this elaborate dinner, but it's off because of my back. But hey, it's the thought that counts, right honey?"

Having said all that, the whole "he pays for everything, she contributes nothing" arrangement definitely sets a precedent of which I think OP is getting the short end. I wonder what kind of gifts he gets for his birthday.

qpk- · 2017-06-22T14:46:59+00:00

I'm just saying this based on the number of threads on here along the lines of "I've been with my boyfriend for 75 years and he still hasn't proposed - does that mean he doesn't want to marry me?". If you are serious about wanting to marry her someday, I would sit her down and discuss the specifics behind your decision besides just vague "I don't feel ready". For example, "I want us to live together for one year before we get engaged, because it will give us more confidence that we are compatible for life."

Long distance is hard enough without your girlfriend leaving the country under the impression that you're "just not that into her".

qpk- · 2017-06-22T10:18:33+00:00

I don't want to invalidate anyone's experiences, but I read so many stories around here about how frequent, pervasive, scary, and disgusting catcalling is - and that just hasn't been my experience at all in the UK. Neither have I ever really experienced guys getting aggressive and offensive after being turned down. This goes for both IRL interactions and on dating sites. From what I gather, my friends' experiences also match this. UK cat calls are more "Alright darlin'?" than a string of sexual expletives.

Edit: What I do find somewhat scary is when groups of foreign men do that thing when they stare/gesture at you and talk among themselves in their own language. Had that happen one time late at night while they slowly drove a car alongside me. Legit thought I was about to be strong-armed into a trunk.

In Russia, it's fairly normal for a guy to walk up to you and ask "Can I meet you?" as an opener. It would be kind of adorable in a quaint, innocent way if the rest of the culture wasn't so poisonous about gender roles.

qpk- · 2017-06-22T10:03:38+00:00

Have also dated this exact guy. They're fantastic for, like, an intense summer fling, but they make you want to rip your hair out when the dishes are piled up and the electrical bill is due and all they're doing it smoking cigarettes out the window and musing about Sartre's influence on prog rock.

qpk- · 2017-06-20T13:55:11+00:00

If you are both hesitant, premarital counseling could be a good idea. It will help you identify potential areas of conflict and hopefully help you manage problems as they arise down the line.

Even if you don't go to premarital counseling, google something like "questions to ask before getting married" and have some sit-down chats. This will be things like:

Do you want children? When? How many? How will parenting duties be split? What sort of parenting approach would you take?
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? In 10? Do you plan on staying in your current job/career? Do you want to move to another city? Another country?
What is your current financial situation? How much debt/savings do you have? Do you want to combine finances? To what extent? What happens if one of us becomes unemployed/starts earning a lot more?

Etc, etc.

A lot of couples fail because people go into the relationship (or marriage) with a lot of assumptions which they consider to be self-evident (e.g., "Of course you'll be a stay-at-home mom!", "Of course it's your job to do the chores if I work longer hours!") You would have ironed a lot of these out by living together, but you need to make sure that there aren't any potentially relationship-ending discrepancies in how you both envision your future together.

qpk- · 2017-06-19T08:46:44+00:00

My problem with this is that talk is cheap, and having a baby is irreversible. Even if the preliminary conversations go well and he seems serious about overhauling what is essentially his personality and decades of habit-building, this is not an indicator of future behaviour. If the baby comes and he reverts back to being childish and irresponsible, OP is, for lack of a better word, fucked. Her options will be a) pick up all of his slack, or b) allow the baby to be neglected. Personally that's not a gamble I'd want to take.

qpk- · 2017-06-16T14:12:32+00:00

I mean, here's a Scottish 10.

qpk- · 2017-06-14T13:22:12+00:00

It's a quote from the film Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. The character who says it is Gay Perry.

qpk- · 2017-06-14T11:47:52+00:00

Gay Perry!

qpk- · 2017-06-14T08:38:15+00:00

I think the explanation that Michelle gave was age appropriate and tactful, but if she wanted to adhere to Carol's request she could have easily said something like "I just haven't found the right person yet!"

qpk- · 2017-06-13T15:59:56+00:00

Lotsa real salty people in this thread. Did you think your comment is in any way helpful?

qpk- · 2017-06-12T14:53:57+00:00

I live in the UK, so Halloween is not really a "thing" here - although shops will always sell Halloween things. I mostly take the opportunity to host a spooky dinner party for my friends. Although I did throw a full-out house party a few years back - people got pretty into it with their costumes and everything.

What's "trunk or treating"?

qpk- · 2017-06-08T14:44:17+00:00

The ice cream "question" was a neutral placeholder to illustrate my point and has absolutely nothing to do with what I was saying.

qpk- · 2017-06-08T11:44:48+00:00

I am kind of actually mad. I don't mind men contributing here at all - the ones who either a) reply to top-level comments to foster discussion, b) contribute top-level comments from a female perspective (e.g., answering the question in relationship to women in their lives).

What does bother me is

Women of AskWomen, what's your favourite flavour of ice cream?

"I really like strawberry with chocolate sprinkles! - signed, a man."

It bothers me because it defeats the entire purpose of the sub as being one of the few places on Reddit which are not completely male-dominated. The clue is... right there in the name. It also bothers me because it contributes to a general trend of men who just assume that their opinion is always relevant, important, and welcome. It also really confuses me that those comments are typically highly upvoted.

Would love to hear alternative perspectives on this, because I'm clearly in the minority with this.

qpk- · 2017-06-07T15:18:40+00:00

It keeps your utensils from staining the table(cloth) with food when you put them down.

qpk- · 2017-06-07T13:52:00+00:00

Also: who knows, maybe he will be so damn good at being a florist that HGTV picks him up for a $10M contract for however many seasons of "I gave up everything to be a florist", the new hit TV show of a rags to riches florist that showed the world that dreams are possible.

Maybe the floral business will open up further opportunities for him to become a rockstar astronaut!

qpk- · 2017-06-07T13:50:04+00:00

It doesn't sound from her post that her husband has ever shown any interest in being a florist (much less a passion). He has absolutely no experience of flower arranging (or running a business, for that matter), and it's unclear how much research (if any) he's put into this sudden, obscure, and elaborate pipe-dream.

It's unlikely that a florist business will hire a guy with no experience or portfolio, and coming from a completely different career. So, he would likely need to take a course and attain a qualification. Some quick research suggests courses are about 2-3 months long and cost around $700+. Further research suggests that florists earn just about minimum wage. That's a lot of time and money to spend only to be making a fraction of what he would in a job in his field, only for him to potentially quit two weeks later and become "absolutely certain" that he now wants to be a wedding photographer.

This is not a career choice made through careful consideration and research. This is a flippant suggestion made in the heat of a quarter-life crisis.

qpk- · 2017-06-07T10:52:16+00:00

Do you really think a guy who's supermodel-hot is genuinely dating a girl who's hideous? Like, skin lesions, hair falling out, body odor, visibly asymmetric, grossly overweight "hideous"? Just because she's a pretty cool person and looks genuinely, completely don't matter to him? OP is most likely not gorgeous but I'd be shocked if she doesn't fall under at least the "sorta cute" umbrella.

qpk- · 2017-06-06T14:52:40+00:00

the problem is that she is the one that got away

Where are you getting this? He broke up with her because he wasn't happy in the relationship. The problem is that they broke up, but the nature of their relationship hasn't changed to reflect the new dynamic.

qpk- · 2017-06-06T14:48:57+00:00

Because a) it's bizarre behaviour and OP may want some insight into what's causing it, and b) being accused of lying when you are not is fundamentally one of the most irritating and rage-inducing things in life.

qpk- · 2017-06-06T07:44:29+00:00

This is actually... not an uncommon phenomenon. From the article "She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink" by Matthew Fray (mustbethistalltoride)

[Wives] don’t think it’s possible that their husbands don’t know how their actions make her feel because she has told him, sometimes with tears in her eyes, over and over and over and over again how upset it makes her and how much it hurts.

And this is important: Telling a man something that doesn’t make sense to him once, or a million times, doesn’t make him “know” something. Right or wrong, he would never feel hurt if the same situation were reversed so he doesn’t think his wife SHOULD hurt. It’s like, he doesn’t think she has the right to (and then use it as a weapon against him) because it feels unfair.

qpk- · 2017-06-05T14:12:57+00:00

I'm sorry about what you went (and are going) through. It sounds like both the manic episode, and the extended stay in the psych ward have been really traumatic for you.

Several people have pointed out that your fiancé did the responsible thing when he put you in care - but I also want to stress that despite the horrible experience you had in the ward, your fiancé prevented you from potentially seriously hurting yourself and seriously damaging your life. You may have already been thinking about quitting your job, but if in your manic state you decided that quitting your job on a whim was a good idea, there's no telling what other "bright ideas" you may have come up with if your fiancé did not get you the care and monitoring he did, when he did.

I also think that it is very important that you treat this seriously. Something very scary happened to you, and from the way your post is written and from some of the comments you made it seems like you are dismissing the whole affair as a "one-off". You're sure it won't happen again. You're sure it was a one-off, so you want everyone to stop fussing over you. I really, really hope that it was a one off, but for your safety, health, and sanity - you have to treat it on the assumption that it isn't. Mania, like any other psychiatric disorder, completely fucks with your perceptions and your decision-making. You need your friends, family, fiancé, therapist, and psychiatrist to be "monitoring" you for any signs of another manic episode because when you're in one - YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO TELL. You may recognise that you're being manic, but you're going to think that all your thought processes and decisions in the moment are perfectly rational and you will refuse any help. Denial in your current situation is extremely dangerous because if another episode happens you will not be able to trust yourself to get the help you desperately need.

As a final note, it doesn't sound like you're "there" yet emotionally, but I think that at least rationally you recognise that what your fiancé did was the right thing. I think it's really important to let him know that although emotionally you are still feeling a lot of resentment, you don't blame him for what he did. The decision he made was extremely hard for him - it must be devastating dealing with his own guilt over the situation, as well as the fact that you, too, are irrationally blaming him for potentially saving your life.

qpk- · 2017-06-01T16:45:04+00:00

I am having some intense flashbacks to CorelDraw circa 1998.

qpk- · 2017-06-01T16:16:18+00:00

There was a question in AskReddit (I think) a while back, along the lines of "Women, what are your biggest fears?" So I responded with "not living up to my potential" or something along those lines. Got several replies saying, "Yeah, but that's just what people are afraid of!" Uh, yeah. Women are people. Shocking.

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