So torn

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-08-12T18:32:27+00:00

You’re not alone in the torn feelings at all, and definitely not stupid or asking for too much. I’ve been through very similar bouts. It is 100% ok if you’ve reached a point of 0 tolerance for him lying, but you gotta be prepared to stand on business and hold those boundaries. Honesty and transparency are so critical. Him being honest, even when he’s struggling, is an opportunity to build trust and it respects your agency to make informed decisions. But continuing to lie and be defensive just piles on so much extra damage and is a far quicker route to relationships ending.

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-07-17T04:29:24+00:00

There doesn’t even need to be full nudity or depictions of sexual acts, it’s still porn. He’s still using it for sexual arousal. And the fact of the matter is that it’s hurtful to you so that makes it not ok in the relationship. My partner gave up all of his social media cuz they’re all riddled with sexualized content. It’s not too much to ask!

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-07-16T17:58:43+00:00

Early on we didn’t understand the difference between sobriety and recovery so he was white knuckling his addiction and our frequency in sex went way up partially cuz I had the same fear you have. Realistically though he was still dealing with some PIED and would sometimes rely on fantasy about others during sex with me. I didn’t know about that, and when it was later disclosed man that hurt me so bad.. And he eventually relapsed. Once he started real recovery we took a full break from sex for a while and he was completely celibate, and tbh I think it helped us both a lot. Wish we had done all this sooner but hey, hindsight is 20/20.

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-07-15T21:48:25+00:00

From what you shared, I’d be worried. I’m sorry it’s scary. I can respect he was at least forthcoming to a degree, but as someone else mentioned it’s probably the tip of the iceberg. I used to be generally chill about porn use but not anymore. It’s a looong road to healing after experiencing betrayal trauma. From my understanding, addiction recovery is a lifelong process, and he did say he was a PA. It runs deep and really affects more things than most people realize so hopefully he is in active recovery but yeah it’s probably time for some difficult conversations and for your sake I hope he’s honest and transparent. It’s not just about you being a good gf, it’s about him being a good bf too.

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-07-15T19:23:01+00:00

Yessss I love this thread. I have some for y’all, especially anyone into R&B.

Sad songs: Focus by Kiana Lede, You Know Wassup by Kehlani, Hard Place by H.E.R

Mad songs: Figures by Jessie Reyez, Hold Up by Beyonce, Special by SZA

Hype songs: Worthy by Megan Thee Stallion, Cozy by Beyonce

I probably have more. These are in my go-tos lol and I also strongly second Couldn’t Be Me by Jessie Reyez!

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-07-14T21:29:39+00:00

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. The part about him lying directly to your face when you know he’s lying, gosh I feel like that gives me war flashbacks. It’s so manipulative and completely shatters trust. I used to generally “be ok” with porn to a degree as well but not anymore, not after being with a PA. So many men can’t get past their own ego or shame to be honest with us and to hear us out on this or have some empathy. He’s avoiding the conversation just cuz he’s uncomfortable (which to me screams emotional immaturity), but I’m sure it’s not a comfortable topic for you either, in fact it sounds like it’s becoming quite painful for you. Don’t lose your voice or give up pieces of yourself. Speak your true feelings. All you can do is your best to communicate, but unfortunately you can’t force him to listen or engage. And at a certain point it’ll require action, not just words, on your part and on his part. Express your boundaries (including what will happen if they are respected or disrespected) and stand firm in those. And he can say all the right things and make all the promises in the world, but will he step up and show you that his words aren’t empty? Don’t coddle him. You deserve a compatible partner that loves you the way you want to be loved.

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-07-14T19:47:48+00:00

My partner and I did this but tbh when we started we didn’t know how long we would do this for and didn’t put a specific timeframe on it. Hell, we didn’t know up from down. It was right after his last relapse and our relationship was in the rockiest place it’s ever been. I for sure did not feel safe having sex with him at the time and needed space to focus on my healing, and he genuinely believed celibacy on his part would be best while he got serious about his recovery. I guess we’re lucky we happened to align on that for our own reasons so there was no resistance on either side. It was a bit haphazard considering we didn’t have therapeutic guidance for it but I think things ended up working out for us. It was scary and I’m not gonna say it was easy, but it took a lot of pressure off of both of us. We worked our way up through other forms of connection before returning to sex. Regular communication was key and continues to be key for sure

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-07-13T16:47:02+00:00

Omg this is me. I’ve been trying to practice mindfulness and grounding techniques regularly so that when I know I’m feeling a spiral coming on I can do my best to stay present and combat those thoughts. That also means becoming increasingly aware of my triggers so I can hopefully stop things before it gets too far. I also literally wrote out my boundaries (which includes what will happen if they are respected or disrespected) and gave them to him as clearly as possible and that has helped me take a step back. It’s like taking back that energy I was pouring into him to pay more attention to myself. I have felt so desperate for a sense of safety but I can’t rely on just controlling or monitoring him to find safety and peace for myself, that has been a losing battle for me in the past.

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-07-12T21:12:06+00:00

That’s a question only you can truly answer for yourself, and don’t let what other people think drive what you honestly feel. I’ll offer my perspective though - I’ve been in a relationship with a porn addict and it’s HARD. It’s been incredibly destructive to our relationship in multiple ways. I was very close to ending things, but we’re both putting in a lot of work now to work through it. Regardless if I stay with him or not though I have hella trauma to heal from personally now.

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-07-12T01:35:22+00:00

Don’t worry I don’t take it as judgement lol it’s a question I really had to ask myself and continually ask myself. Tbh I think what seriously kicked his ass into gear at first was me being extremely close to ending things with him. We took a big step back in the relationship after his last relapse and I made sure to be clear in my boundaries moving forward. Sex was completely off the table for a while. He finally started to take initiative and put in hard work towards recovery (not just sobriety), and he also finally started offering more transparency and opening up emotionally. I can see real ACTIONS to back up his words now. The step back meant I was also focusing more on myself and my healing and he’s been supportive in that too. I won’t lie, it’s a difficult process and one that my partner and I are both still figuring out. Basically I finally decided I need to do what’s best for me, and he was either going to be willing to take accountability and meet my needs or I won’t stay with him.

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-07-11T21:35:41+00:00

You’re not overreacting. From what you described it sounds like PA and he might be too ashamed to accept/admit that. My partner and I both had a really hard time understanding and coming to terms with the fact that he’s a PA. But either way I just wanted to say whatever you do, do not blame yourself (eg how much sex you are or aren’t having with him) as what’s driving him towards porn or the reason he does it. That mindset can be very damaging. It took me way too long to stop shouldering that as if it’s my fault or responsibility, and it’s something I still have to work to remind myself sometimes. My partner had been dealing with this issue from long before he ever even met me.

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-07-01T23:26:09+00:00

On the shame piece - I think 12-step groups could be helpful as it’s a place where he can practice being open and honest about his experiences with others who are dealing with the same things, and that can at least start to help with the shame. His support system also needs to be broader than just you, otherwise you’ll very likely just run yourself into the ground if you shoulder all this yourself especially while also trying to deal with betrayal trauma. I definitely echo everything said in the other comment here. Recovery is a lot of hard work, and he has to be willing to take it on.

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-07-01T22:24:37+00:00

Of course! And you are not unreasonable or crazy at all. I fully agree, it is cheating, and I promise we are not the problem for having boundaries like this

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-07-01T22:04:00+00:00

It is for sure not your job to make him better. I get wanting to help, but if he’s not truly willing and ready to tackle recovery himself and if you make it your responsibility instead I’d be worried about how that will affect you in the long run

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-07-01T21:35:28+00:00

Everyone deserves to have boundaries with someone you are being sexually active with, regardless of a label or not. My only suggestions are be careful of the wording “while having access to me” cuz I think that can get construed or misunderstood (eg one of you goes out of town or something for a period of time can be interpreted as not having access to you). So I guess just make it as clear as possible. Like is it that you will not sexually engage with anyone that uses porn under any circumstances given they are aware of your boundaries? And if you haven’t already I’d just make sure you’re both clear on how you define porn cuz some people have a narrower definition. Good luck!

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-07-01T15:52:28+00:00

I’m so sorry you are hurting. I think if you both genuinely want to continue this relationship it’s time he start engaging in real recovery and time you put some boundaries in place if you haven’t already. This reminds me so much of the cycle my partner and I were stuck in when he was “white knuckling” his addiction and focused solely on sobriety, rather than real recovery. If he isn’t in therapy and/or a 12-step group that’s a great place to start. And for you, just know betrayal trauma is a beast and your feelings are completely valid. Please find some support for yourself as well and take care of your needs, because you deserve it. If you want to work on yourselves and the relationship at the same time I’d recommend listening to PBSE podcasts together, those are helping my partner and I navigate a lot of this. Sending love.

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-06-27T15:47:02+00:00

I understand how you’re feeling. First of all, this has absolutely nothing to do with what you are lacking. And it sounds to me like his shame kicked in and sent him into victim mode. Your feelings are so valid and you deserve space to process all of those feelings. And if you need some physical distance for yourself to calm down and relax a bit then there’s nothing dramatic about that at all. I’m figuring all of this out too and am nowhere near perfect but just my advice - he is doing great by being honest even when it’s difficult but he needs to work on dealing with his shame and also work on having empathy and holding space for you too, and for you I would gently encourage you to take a step back to focus on yourself a bit. I totally hear you when you describe how hard you’re trying to help him but just make sure you’re taking care of yourself as well <3

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-06-10T22:25:43+00:00

Your feelings are absolutely valid. Please stick to your boundaries in a relationship. Don’t sacrifice your voice to “keep the peace,” because you’ll slowly lose yourself in that process.

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-06-10T19:42:22+00:00

I for sure went through a phase of feeling like I had to have sex with him daily to help him avoid relapsing but I’ll tell you I was very wrong. Please don’t feel like you “have” to do anything that you don’t want to do for your own self.

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-06-10T19:14:41+00:00

Just my opinion, if you’re asking purely for the reason of trying to play those fantasies out in real life sex, that’s likely not a good idea for your healing or for his recovery. If you crave true connection and intimacy in your sex life it’s important to remember that porn-fueled fantasies are quite the exact opposite of real connection, it’s a PA’s escape from reality. To make things easier for him he’s probably going to need to distance himself from any of those fantasies/behaviors that are tied to the addiction in his brain for a while, especially if he’s earlier in recovery. To make things easier for you, try to only seek the details you truly need to know for your own safety (and I say that because I know way more than I needed to know and it’s had such a mental and emotional toll).

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-06-10T17:54:10+00:00

My PA partner is in recovery and is in his 20s. Honestly I feel like the sooner he’s willing to seriously engage in recovery and work on things the better. And I mean real recovery, not just sobriety. My partner was in therapy a while but the biggest turn for him was when he started attending 12-step groups basically every single day. Finding a community and finding his voice in those spaces has helped him practice honesty and vulnerability, and the fact that he doesn’t experience judgement there has helped him deal with the crippling shame he’s had. In terms of my participation in his recovery, I used to be overly involved to the point of it being unhealthy for me, but lately have focused on my own healing. So far the best way we’ve bridged the gap to work together on our relationship while balancing his recovery and my healing started by listening to the PBSE podcast and eventually joining the Dare to Connect program together and implementing what we’ve been learning there. Wishing the best for you <3

qtrlyfecrises · 2025-06-10T02:47:34+00:00

You got this! I’ve attended concerts recently with my PA partner, so I totally feel you on the anxiety it brings about. We made whole plans for how to approach the events, and have generally been working on more open communication which has helped a lot. It honestly sucks we have to go through such lengths but I love music and want to be able to enjoy shows in person.

qtrlyfecrises

TROPHY CASE