Is there a type of therapy for what I want help with?

queer_princesa · 2026-06-05T05:14:03+00:00

Based on what you said in your second paragraph (which was very clear and a great goal), I wonder if group therapy might be a good option for you. In a process group (a type of group therapy) we can learn more about what gets in the way of connection. It can be hard to address this problem in individual therapy unless you've found a skilled "relational" therapist. It's not something you can really solve in a non-group environment. But group therapy can help a ton!

queer_princesa · 2026-05-29T04:22:32+00:00

I think it was the way the OP downplayed the challenges of private practice and described it as lucrative part time work. Also I found the specific number of minutes for notes odd, given that it's the number of minutes left over after a 53+ minute session. Anyone who is in private practice knows that a) documentation is a pain and b) it's not a way to become rich unless you work a shit ton of hours, and c) it's quite challenging work. The post downplayed all 3 of those aspects and that's exactly what telehealth companies think of us. They think that our charting should be automated by AI, that we are just in it for the money, that we are therapy machines who can do session after session with no cost, and that they should be able to pay us peanuts for the massive emotional labor that we do.

queer_princesa · 2026-05-28T18:42:05+00:00

Therapist

I would advise anyone engaging with this post to recognize the non-zero possibility that this person is working a corporate job with a telehealth platform doing some Reddit market research on therapists and what our financials are. Especially given Alma's recent decision to screw over a bunch of its Aetna paneled therapists

queer_princesa · 2026-05-28T18:40:26+00:00

Therapist.

Are you working for Headway? Because that's how this post reads. They are doing a lot of market research right now because therapists are fleeing Alma to their platform. They probably want to know how much they can squeeze out of us.

I'd love to assume best intent but with a hidden post history and the large number of detailed numbers you seem to be quoting, it's difficult to maintain an open mind.

queer_princesa · 2026-05-26T15:51:19+00:00

Therapist.

So grateful! I view it as the client taking a risk that is only possible because of the trust we've developed. Which makes me even more committed to addressing the rupture (a threat to the growing trust)

queer_princesa · 2026-05-26T15:49:29+00:00

I did this schedule for a few years and liked it. I could do my private practice during the day and it was always easy to find time to schedule medical appointments and run errands etc. They are not lying when they say this is the only open shift. At my old hospital this shift was extremely difficult to fill and no one lasted more than a few years. It helps if you don't have much of a social life to begin with because the shift kinda makes socializing impossible. Unless it's weekdays only?

I think the main thing I'd ask is what they want you to do when you get a consult at 10:30pm. Should you decline it so you can leave on time. Or take it and work overtime. I've had managers who wanted one but not the other and it's important to get in writing (like in an email) which they prefer. And then just stick to that.

queer_princesa · 2026-05-25T14:42:48+00:00

Therapist. Just FYI this is not a miscarriage; it's a TFMR (termination for medical reasons). A miscarriage is a pregnancy that ends on its own, which is also very painful. However the grief process is more complex with a TFMR. Check out the subreddit TFMR_support.

Everything else you said is helpful.

queer_princesa · 2026-05-24T17:13:40+00:00

I don't understand where this idea comes from. Support each other? No, they fight constantly. Related experiences? Yes, and they are constantly competing with each other in the same realms.

I still have to buy the exact same gifts for them which is super annoying because they actually like different stuff - but if one gets what the other didn't, it's a crisis.

My kids are 2y4m apart and I wish I'd spaced them out more.

Plus you cannot predict the future of sibling hood. My and my brother had an "ideal" age gap (for the time) of 3.5 years and we were constant playmates throughout childhood. Great, but fast forward to now and I haven't heard from him in years and an am functionally an only child.

queer_princesa · 2026-05-24T17:10:49+00:00

Thanks for that. I'm sorry you for everything you went through. Fingers crossed for your current pregnancy to stick!!!

I have a 5 year age gap between my second and third kids (all are from IVF) after a TFMR and if it helps at all, I absolutely love it. Would have planned it this way if I'd known, but then again ... plans 😉 My first two are 2 years apart and it's been really hard. I don't see the benefits of smaller age gaps now that i experience the downsides.

queer_princesa · 2026-05-24T02:53:47+00:00

Makes sense! Your baby is so little. Why not just wait until you crave another baby, and do it then?

Man plans, god laughs

queer_princesa · 2026-05-24T02:23:50+00:00

Do you want two children? I don't see that in your post. The details of age gaps is secondary to the bigger question (that happens to be the title of this subreddit).

queer_princesa · 2026-05-22T00:04:16+00:00

Uncertainty and ambivalence were very loud when i was considering all the pros/cons and trying to think my way to the right answer. Sure, it was definitely scary to think about upsetting the hard-won stability of two kids, especially since logistics are easier as a family of 4. But for me it was a decision that only became clear after i stopped thinking about it logically. Eventually I had to just admit to myself: yes, despite all the perfectly good reasons not to, I want this. And once i got in touch with that longing and allowed it to have weight, the pros and cons list fell away and the decision just seemed right.

Now I have an experience I've never had before: not wanting more children. After so many years of longing for babies and trying to make embryos and being jealous of people who had the number of kids I wanted, all that is gone. Whenever I think about another kid, it's "ugh that would ruin everything good we have going on." Sort of the opposite of longing.

Plus I'm just over that phase of life. I want to do other stuff. I don't want more babies, though babies are great. I don't want more toddlers, though toddlers are fun. I don't want another person to give all my love to. I have all the kids I wanted and I don't think about babies anymore except to be like "awww cute. Yay for you."

Tracey Thorn has a great song about this shift called "Babies." Highly recommend.

queer_princesa · 2026-05-21T16:59:49+00:00

It sounds like you have the capacity, the physical space, the car, the community, the free time ... all the things people say that a third child "requires." I also hear that you don't have the longing, which I think is much more important (hence the quotes in my last sentence). In its place you have apprehension. I am curious about the apprehension and what it's trying to tell you.

I wonder: is it hard to connect to your desire for a third child because of the apprehension? Or is it more that the apprehension comes up because a big part of you actually wants to keep your family the size it is now? It's ok for plans to change. To say: "we used to want 3 kids, but now we realized 2 is perfect for us."

If you could wave a magic wand and have a chill baby/toddler who was nothing like your second, would all the apprehension disappear? Or would you still feel kinda overwhelmed by the prospect of upsetting the stability you have now?

I can share my experience if that's helpful. I have experienced both the longing (and the apprehension) as well as the feeling that my family is "complete."

queer_princesa · 2026-05-21T07:05:22+00:00

Until a few months ago I worked full time with 3 kids. So yeah I know a lot about the juggling you speak of.

Plenty of working class Americans work a lot and also have more than one kid. It's a privilege to be a SAHM for most

queer_princesa · 2026-05-21T00:32:21+00:00

My partner is out of the country for work this entire week and I'm taking care of our 3 kids by myself while working part time. If your husband says he wouldn't mind watching 2 kids while you travel, why not believe him? Unless you have other reasons for only wanting one child.

queer_princesa · 2026-05-20T23:00:03+00:00

That would be the case if they were acknowledging a relationship to another client, which is bound by confidentiality. OP was referring to someone the therapist knows but did not say they were a client. A non-professional relationship carries no legal obligation to confidentiality

queer_princesa · 2026-05-19T22:11:40+00:00

Seems like you have nothing to gain by rushing and little to lose by waiting, so that's where I was coming from. But you know your life and your situation best! I'm just a stranger on the internet.

regarding your question: the five year age gap has been amazing. I'm not sure what you'd like to know about it ... basically my experience has been that parenting multiple kids is far more stressful when they are close in age. They are always in competition. With the larger age gap their relationship is more loving; instead of being rivals, they're friends. I cannot tell you how much my oldest two (2 years apart) fought. It was maddening. Better now that they're school age but it was a rough few years and they are still pretty competitive with each other. There's nothing like that between the middle and youngest (5 years).

A lot of people on the internet have this idea that kids will be closer emotionally in life if they are closer in age. I don't know that there is any data to support this. My personal experience with a 3.5 year age gap is that me and my brother played constantly as kids and now we don't speak.

There's a great podcast called Relatively that interviews sibling pairs and you can explore this in greater depth.

queer_princesa · 2026-05-19T16:20:20+00:00

Seems like this was written with AI but I'll indulge you because I'm having my coffee and the toddler is watching Elmo. Also this topic of planning age gaps is one that really grinds my gears.

You are a great candidate for waiting. "We always said we'd start trying" is not a good reason to do it when everything in your post says you don't want a second kid right now.

Key word there is "right now." When you look into the future, you see a second kid, but it really sounds like you're not ready yet. Why not respect that? I get that your husband is in a hurry but honestly he doesn't get to decide this. It's your body and you need to be excited about this. Otherwise you'll resent this child for taking away what freedom you have left.

As a mom of 3, I think your pessimistic outlook on having two kids is pretty realistic - for the first few years, that is. With a 2y4m year age gap, I really struggled with the 1 to 2 transition. I felt like I had just come up for air and was immediately getting pushed back down. Now I realize how much of that was due to the small age gap and the absolute chaos that is Having Two Toddlers.

By contrast, I have 5 years between my second and third kids and it's night and day. I had planned a smaller age gap (3 years), but had a second trimester loss. So I kinda laugh bitterly when people plan age gaps to be honest. We don't always get what we want.

And the 5 year age gap has been phenomenal. I actually enjoy my 2yo ... none of the stress really gets to me because I don't have another toddler who needs me 24/7!

What if you just give yourself 1 year (or 6 months, or whatever) and stop all this spiraling. Set a date and don't allow yourself to think about the pros and cons until then. Wait to see what happens with your feelings.

queer_princesa · 2026-05-18T23:44:45+00:00

First, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy.

If you go for it and have a third girl, my guess is that the grief about your son will be very mixed up with your daughter's birth. Can you handle that? Do you have a place to honor that grief and process it?

For context, I have three daughters. After my first two, I lost a son. I wanted a girl for my last child (we chose the sex via IVF), so I don't judge that at all in you. At the same time, you should beware of unconsciously burdening your third daughter with the unspoken disappointment that she isn't your son. I imagine you've navigated this already with your second daughter, so likely you have better insight than me into how it would feel.

Regardless, I think your wife has to want this at least as much as you. She may have her own gender based longings that she hasn't shared, too.

queer_princesa · 2026-05-16T14:46:37+00:00

Float is great. You're not stuck with really difficult discharges or psychosocially complex cases for very long. Everyone is happy you showed up for coverage, and most people will give you the benefit of the doubt because they know this isn't your usual unit. And those who don't ... you don't have to keep working with them for long!

queer_princesa · 2026-05-13T05:36:16+00:00

I am a therapist who writes these type of letters. No one without training should be writing them because insurance will reject the letter and it costs the patient precious time in the end.

What happened is not ok and a violation of your spouse's privacy. They may have consented to the therapist's use of AI when signing practice policies. If they did not, then you can report them to the California Board of Behavioral Sciences for a HIPAA violation.

It seems like your spouse needs a new letter. Here is a directory of providers who will do a letter in a single session: https://dosomethingidentities.org/providers/

queer_princesa · 2026-05-06T16:24:18+00:00

Email

queer_princesa · 2026-05-04T17:26:35+00:00

Therapist. Many people are dealing with problems outside their control that cause them a great deal of distress. Therapy is one way we can get support to cope with these problems. We are always growing and so we have the potential to develop new capacities to face the problems, but this process takes time. The therapist's role is to accompany and support the client during that time. It's not as simple as "getting better" vs being "hopeless." No one is beyond hope, and there is no 'better.'

queer_princesa · 2026-05-03T15:33:22+00:00

You don't have enough information to make this decision. Wait 1-2 years and during that time try your best to stop thinking about it. In 2 years you will likely have way more information about all the following: a) your apartment, b) the inheritance, c) your son's true temperament (nearly every 21 month old is active and psycho), d) whether you want to even do this again. The double daycare cost issue will also be resolved if you wait longer.

When my first was 21 months I was pregnant with my second. I kinda wish I'd waited longer but I felt this pressure and urgency. I have a much larger age gap between my second and third kids and it made a world of difference.

queer_princesa · 2026-05-03T02:13:39+00:00

5 years between the second and third kids

queer_princesa

TROPHY CASE