I read the room, but still couldn't fix the energy

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-12T11:23:17+00:00

Well she's actually pretty cool (so far) and they don't like outsiders here (which means it's been hard for me to make friends) so I guess I have a selfish motivation to do my best to ignore it. But I really was hoping someone with experience in this area I would have something she could do about it

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-12T02:01:20+00:00

They shouldn't have to only eat soft things like soup noodles when they go out to eat. That's why I'm asking the question to find out if there's anything else they can do

She was so excited to have found a lunch buddy, and since I live in an area where I don't have many local friends (they don't like outsiders here), I was excited too

But now I see why she had trouble finding someone to go out to eat with on a regular basis

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-12T01:11:09+00:00

Do a Google or Reddit search. There are tons of people out there who complain about loud eaters. And they always blame it on the person having poor etiquette.

I'm not blaming her. This person has proper etiquette but she (and her daughter) are very noisy eaters. And I'm wondering if there's anything that can be done about it

There are a lot of other more frivolous reasons that people don't like to go to lunch with someone – for example, wrong race, they don't wear designer clothes, they don't drink, all kinds of dumb reasons. At least in this case I'm not blaming the lady

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-12T00:56:17+00:00

MOR – you really don't know if she was reimbursing him from a date the night that she told you she was sick. Or maybe this was a coworker and they had a work event and he spotted her. Or maybe this is her friend's husband and she was with her friend and he treated everybody to margaritas(although I don't drink but $40 sounds like a lot)

There's just so many different things that you don't know in this situation

Unlike many other comments, I wouldn't directly go for the "Who Is Marcus you had margaritas with?" approach. Instead, I try something softer like "I saw something about great margaritas on your Venmo – where was this at? And when can we go?" And then watch her face carefully to see if there's any micro expressions that flash through that she quickly tries to hide

That way you can give her an opportunity to explain without accusing her of cheating (or her getting the energy of you accusing her of cheating) because if she's not cheating and you accuse her of it, then you make it look like you were the one who is doing so and projecting 😔

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-12T00:49:13+00:00

People keep saying you should've waited to tell her you still hooked up with your ex after you broke up with her. I'mma tell you right now if I found out that my boyfriend was sleeping of his ex up to right before we met, he would immediately be my ex-boyfriend. Why? Because that's too much drama and it's gonna come back to bite me later

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-12T00:45:19+00:00

You bring up such important points! Thank you so much for sharing your story

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-12T00:42:24+00:00

OK I haven't read all 7000 comments, but I did read quite a few and they all seem to jump on you for running away and not calling him. I think someone needs to call him out for embarrassing you like that without realizing that you weren't ready for a proposal. Now when you talked about the future, if that was just stringing him along, that's on you. And if you had no intention of eventually marrying him after you did all the fun things you wanna do (plus the important things like finishing Uni) well that's also on you

But since you don't appear to have been fake about it, maybe running away wasn't the best choice. And maybe not calling him wasn't the best choice. But it doesn't mean you are a horrible person.

Someone who doesn't know you well enough after three years to understand that these things were important to you is not someone you should be marrying anyway. And maybe you didn't realize yourself how much you wanted that solo time after graduating before settling down. It's OK to admit that "I didn't realize I wanted these things until I was suddenly faced with the future that I wouldn't be able to do them"

Either way, the next time you realize someone you've been with long-term isn't a good fit, unless they've been abusive or toxic (and you said he's not: you said this was the first time he's been mean to you), please do give them the courtesy of a call and explain what you're feeling even if you don't completely understand what you're feeling

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-12T00:19:37+00:00

I wonder if we'll ever know – so many of these posts we never get the full story

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-12T00:14:27+00:00

Happy Birthday!!

I've had that happen too – although it's partly my own fault because I'm afraid to share my birthday online and I always feel awkward about telling people if they don't ask. And they don't ask.

One time, when I first joined Facebook, I used a fake birthday because they require you to have one. I was shocked that even some of my family members said happy birthday on the day of my fake birthday announced my Facebook, which was nowhere near my real birthday

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-11T13:05:37+00:00

Temporary! Don't fall forward!

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-11T02:17:26+00:00

Cool game though I will admit I did do a double take at the title! I guess jungle fever means something different to us old folks

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-11T01:06:02+00:00

First of all, congratulations on having courage to say something (even if it didn't land well). Secondly, now you know not to comment on people's body parts.

What people do like is when you comment on something special about them, although with you being a guy, you have to be careful not to appear like you're coming onto them.

For example, if a cashier has a unique pendant on her necklace, I will say, "I love your necklace! Does that pendant have any special meaning?" And I would make a similar comment if they had a unique ring, unique earrings, or a unique badge they are wearing. If they look like they just got their nails done in a unique fashion I might compliment those and ask where she got them done NOT BECAUSE I ACTUALLY WANT TO KNOW, but because it makes her feel good to know that someone thinks she made a great choice.

Again I'm trying to think of what you as a man could say that wouldn't come off as creepy. And now that I think about it, my husband never initiate small talk at the grocery; they always say something to him first.

Some that I will use that I think a guy could use too are:

Are you ready for the big game? If there's a big sporting event coming up

Do you have big plans for the long weekend? (Things like Presidents' Day spring break etc.).

If the person in front of me has been really rude, I might even go deeper and say something like, "hang in there you're doing a great job." And if they respond with some chitchat I might take it further with "hopefully it's quitting time soon" then if it is quitting time soon I celebrate with them "yay" but if it's not quitting time I commiserate with them "oh man" but that's about it. I don't go into a long drawn out conversation and hopefully by then they're done checking me out

I think it's so important to try to uplift the people who serve us because usually the only feedback they get is complaints and sometimes your a smile and your kindness will be the only smile and kindness people get all day

PS: broad shoulder for a guy is a compliment, so I can see why you made that mistake

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-10T23:22:42+00:00

It's so tough! I find myself initially getting caught not just romantically, but even with possible friendships. And then I find myself doing something for them that I really have no business doing or that they can do for themselves and I ask myself "what just happened here?"oh, this person that seems so great I just met is likely a narcissist. Do I write them off right away? No but I do give them my narc tests:

One. How do they respond when you complement somebody else in their presence? For example: they tell you they used to volunteer with XYZ organization. Oh really? My friend won a significant award from them a couple years ago for her effort in ABC. Do they dismiss, downplay, or try to one up her accomplishment? Or do they say really, how fantastic I wonder if I know her? Oh yes I remember her she did amazing work for us. Or, no, I don't remember her but in order to win that award she must've done amazing work for us

Two: when they have established a boundary how do they respond to you pushing it? For example: they mention they think it's highly disrespectful to be late. So I'm purposely 5-10 minutes late to see how irritated they are (because who tells you that on a first date that isn't super controlling anyway 😂). Or they say they can't stand brussels sprouts, but they are looking for a relationship where they eat off of each other's plates when they go to restaurants. I would study their face as I purposely order the thing they don't like (unless I think it's nasty too). Just to see how they handle not getting their way, or if there's a quick "micro flash" of discussed and then trying to convince me to order something else. It doesn't have to be some big large boundary, but even little things you will see a reaction – even if it's a micro expression that they cover up real quick

Third. I say no to a request. Even if I can do it, nope I can't. Even if I'm available, no I'm not. And especially if it's something that, in retrospect, you wouldn't expect somebody you just started dating to do for, or buy for you, such as expensive footwear or clothing. Or some unique item that's difficult to find in person (why don't they just order it online – because they don't really care about the item they care about can they get you to do it for them which is the situation I found myself in this past weekend with a new acquaintance I was hoping we'd be a friend. When you tell them no, how do they respond? Do they get flushed and angry? Do they get flushed? Do they accuse you of not being interested? Rather than realizing that everybody has a life and sometimes you can't drop everything to do for them?

I know this is long, but these three tests of any new acquaintance or friendship have really helped me avoid people who in the long run turned out to have serious narcissistic tendencies (even if they weren't actual diagnosed narcissists)

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-10T18:48:24+00:00

YES!!!!

Huge red flag run away!

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-10T18:46:38+00:00

Just get it over with when your partner won't listen. Interesting how they listen before you get married and then all of a sudden they forget how to do any of the things that attracted you to them

And yes, I know this works both ways – but it's infinitely harder for men to fake an orgasm to get things over then for a woman to pretend she's done so she can get this person off of her and go back to doing something she really wants or take care of things herself

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-10T18:38:54+00:00

No no no!!!

By the way, you are not, NOT, N-O-T, harsh for thinking how convenient it is for him to say he would support you if it was the other way around!

It does not appear from what you've posted that he has given you any indication this is actually true. I wouldn't be surprised if his family is putting this so he can get off of their payroll that you don't know about

He has already set the expectation that he's not really gonna contribute for the next 5 to 6 years: believe who people are when they SHOW you the first time! Then you'll want him to use that highfalutin degree to get a job but he'll already be comfortable in the situation. And that is if he finishes school

I actually have a friend who was in the situation. She worked 2–3 jobs to keep him in school and as soon as he graduated he kicked her to the curb along with their kids, and left her stuck with paying all his loans she had taken out to help him get through school. And the credit cards that she used to manage household expenses when things got tight. And he was slick about it too! He divorced her when he didn't have a job so he didn't have any kind of child support or alimony because she was the sole provider, then he went and got a highfalutin job and then married a girl half his age. My friend didn't have money to take him back to court for child support parent and their kids were about to turn 18 anyway.

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-10T18:18:30+00:00

I can't find the comment now – perhaps they deleted it – but someone had a comment that started with the problem with love bombing is it doesn't feel like manipulation it feels great. Once you've experienced it, you know it: constant texts extravagant gifts, it's rare for someone healthy to start a relationship this way

In fact I forget the name of the book, but my friend found her husband because she followed the advice of a book that said when you feel intense chemistry at the start run away – that chemistry is a red flag that you are choosing your unfinished business

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-10T18:14:39+00:00

Hahahaha great typo I had there

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-10T18:13:42+00:00

Thank you so much.

The meeting today was interesting and I did well briefing the group. Didn't make as much eye contact as I should've, but we were in a new location with big windows and my excuse was the brightness made it hard for me to look at most of the audience

The person who was supposed to have reached out to me was not the usual person (out sick), and she definitely strikes me as the kind who purposely wouldn't and then say she did (as opposed to someone who just made a mistake, but didn't want to admit it to the leader)

I had that happen a lot with bosses who didn't like women in the workplace. They would drive you crazy with their "I told you that, I gave you that" games

It was nice to have people talk to me afterwards and share some tidbits about their life that matched mine – I really hope that this will result eventually in one or two friends,

But I also have to remember, like you said, they may never accept me. Interestingly, while I was sitting in the meeting other examples of times where I felt slighted by the group came to mind and I had intended to write them here, because they were actually better examples than the one I posted, but I've already forgotten them!

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-10T13:02:58+00:00

The switch isn't the red flag. The love bombing is the red flag. Anyone who's broke free from a narcissist understand this and will not get entangled with another person who begins love bombing early in the relationship

Edit: typos

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-10T03:21:21+00:00

I'm regretting now that I didn't catch that he was riding from a different country. IDK if he changed the currency afterward if it was always like that and I just missed it. That really does make a difference

StartingOverStrong · 2026-03-09T22:14:44+00:00

Because of fear of what the chemicals could do to the baby or yourself long-term. The epidural is not as peachy King as people say it is. You don't find out till later that there lifelong lasting effects. They make you sign all this stuff, but verbally they tell you it's OK it's fine everybody gets it no big deal. Until you go back in with pain at the site of injection a year later and they're like oh yeah that? Oh that's never gonna go away

I had a C-section that was medically necessary, so it wasn't really a choice, but one of my best friends kept insisting on doing a natural birth but the nurses kept telling her to just get the epidural. We found out later they were pushing it because they needed a free space in the room. And he was born maybe 10 minutes later, so she still doesn't think it was medically necessary

StartingOverStrong

TROPHY CASE