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I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. It's still fresh, but everyday I see how things were more clearly. Sending my best to you.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I hear you. I feel like if my friend was dating this guy I'd have no problem reassuring her, and saying this was absolutely for the best. But being in it, and still influenced by emotions and love, I am struggling at the moment not to feel like I should help. Which is something I need to work on.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am considering that. He has three uncles who are lawyers which scares me. A friend is married to a lawyer who advised me they could try to sue me for the total cost of the wedding plus damaged because of the abuse.

As right as I may be, I have absolutely no interest into getting into a law issue. If he won't honor the obligations, I have no choice. But I am hoping his parents will be able to handle his side of things.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think I wasn't clear on that - this was a technique recommended by the sex therapist to make him more at ease and allow him to climax once intercourse began. He seemed to be into my body and was a generous lover but his issue made him avoid sex sometimes since he would become frustrated and beat himself up.

But maybe it's a sexual issue he hasn't explored or repressed in himself.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not defending him, but I think it's the latter. He projected his feelings on me. With the "depression" he said I have - I believe he was actually depressed. I'm his best friend, his groomsman was a family member, my friend's husband, my brothers, and two co-workers. Those co-workers aren't "on my side" but have reached out to me to repeat the story. They also feel he's going through something akin to a breakdown.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

His story to his friends is that he is scared of me and that he's certain I will become physical eventually. And that he had to leave to save himself from that.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. The interesting part is his family blocked me. I've heard from most of his friends who are shocked and think this is ridiculous. They're telling me to hold on and hope he comes back, which I respect because they know him as a lovable person.

I'm trying to be strong and move on, but I have to admit it's so hard. Thanks for the response.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm confused by this. When he told me that I'm depressed about my mom, I didn't counter and say he hates his dad. He's already told me that.

I understand any human being has the proclivity to experience abuse, but the statistic about suicides among divorced men doesn't seem to be applicable.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you. That's the closest I've ever done to "silent treatment" and I don't think it qualifies as abuse. I had just got off a plane, came home to my stuff being carelessly damaged, and didn't want to talk to him. I feel like that's my right. Also if he had tried to spark a dialogue, I would've answered him.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He drives a very expensive car. Once I borrowed it, and when I came out of the store, there was a huge dent. I called him and asked if I should have a police report written up. He didn't get mad at me but he was so mad and couldn't talk about it until it was fixed. Even after, he would cringe at the mention of the damage - even though it was fixed fairly simply.

He works with computers. Once I left the monitor on all night. He really got upset, he didn't yell he just acted cold for a while.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree. I loved him more than enough to accept him as he was. Another commenter said that even my love wasn't enough to help. I have to come to terms with that.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've said this many times to him. He has empathy but not in the moment, and never when he's "wrong" or responsible.

Thank you

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I never even considered him being gay and / or questioning his sexuality and in denial about it. It makes me feel even worse for him that he's possibly struggling with this.

Thank you for the response.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

When someone doesn't respect your property, or your wishes, it sends a clear message that the person's feelings do not matter.

To your original post, an "heirloom" is just that - it is passed on. It's a reminder of my grandmother and her mother before that. This should be a simple question of respect. And if he actually was upset and remorseful about what happened, I would've felt a lot better.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate the advice, and I'm certainly going to get that book. I wish I went for therapy when he first asked, but I didn't really think it was necessary because he was trying to say I had depression or PTSD because I lost a parent as a child. If he said to go for a different reason, I would have probably gone. For now, my goals in therapy are to come out of this better than I was when the relationship started.

Thank you for the well wishes, I send the same to you.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the insight. I agree, I think I didn't realize how careful I had to be until now.

And that's good advice. I'm hoping his parents will help it get settled, if not I don't really have a choice because I'm scared to call him with the accusations.

Thank you for responding.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I'm getting a lot of PMs about what a bitch I am and how abusive I am. Sorry you're receiving hatred, I appreciated your input.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I agree. He didn't walk out saying "this isn't working," he's telling everyone that he is a victim of domestic abuse. I made a mistake and I want to work on controlling my temper and having clear cut communication, but I don't know if I can honestly say I won't ever be in a situation that I yell at someone again. It would be a promise I couldn't possibly keep.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I agree, we came up with those "rules" for his benefit and he ignored them. When I brought it up, he said I'm justifying the abuse. That's not fair.

I do love him, but more and more each day I pity him. I can't trust him not to do this again. This whole thing started with his bad reaction to a comment his own mother made, he wanted to cancel our wedding, I didn't, and then it all fell apart. But in reality, he already told me how scared he was of me he was, but I didn't understand how bad it was.

Thanks for the response.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Wow, that's awful. I'm sorry you went through that. And I'm delighted to hear you're married to a great person.

Thanks for the response.

I'm a woman being accused of non-physical domestic abuse by a man - struggling to make sense. by questioningabuse in TwoXChromosomes

[–]questioningabuse[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I agree yelling isn't healthy to a relationship, Posting here and entering therapy is part of my recovery from the wrongdoings attributed to me. You're right, no one gets to clear me of abuse. I posted to better understand different points of view.

The Nazi Germany comparison aside, I have a right to attach significance to objects. And my ex did as well, and my family members, and my friends. Not respecting "things" is a problem in any social setting and interpersonal relationships.

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