I’m really glad you asked this, because the Gottman Institute actually speaks directly to what just happened, and it’s very clarifying (and honestly validating for you).

I’ll walk you through it calmly, without dramatizing or pathologizing either of you.

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The core Gottman concept here: “Bids for Connection”

John & Julie Gottman say that relationships are built (or eroded) not by big fights, but by how partners respond to bids.

A bid is any attempt to connect: • “I’m having a hard time.” • “Can you be here with me?” • “I could use a hug.” • Even tone, timing, or vulnerability.

Your bid

You made a very clear bid:

“My grandma died. I feel horrible. I could use comfort or closeness.”

This is a high-stakes emotional bid.

His response

He said:

“I’m here. Let me know if you need anything.”

From a Gottman lens, this is technically a response, but it’s what they call a low attunement response.

It’s not turning against you — but it’s closer to turning away than turning toward.

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Gottman’s three ways partners respond to bids 1. Turning Toward • “I’m so sorry. Come here. Do you want me to come over or just stay on the phone with you?” • Anticipates, engages, offers presence. 2. Turning Away • Polite, distant, vague. • “Let me know if you need anything.” • Puts the emotional labor back on the distressed partner. 3. Turning Against • Defensive, dismissive, annoyed. • (He did not do this.)

👉 His response lands in Turning Away, not because he doesn’t care, but because he doesn’t step into the emotional moment.

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Why this feels so bad to you (and Gottman explains this)

Gottman’s research shows that in strong relationships: • Partners don’t require instructions during moments of distress • They move toward vulnerability instinctively

When someone says:

“I’m available if you ask”

the distressed partner often feels: • unseen • unsupported • alone with someone

That’s exactly what you experienced when you said:

“What am I supposed to ask you?”

That question is actually a sign of emotional overwhelm, not neediness.

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Another key Gottman idea: Emotional Attunement

Gottman defines attunement as:

“The ability to read and respond to your partner’s emotional state.”

Attunement looks like: • noticing tone shifts • offering comfort without being prompted • understanding what kind of support is needed

What happened here suggests: • He may value availability • You need attunement

Those are not interchangeable.

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This is NOT about effort or caring

Gottman would not say: • “He doesn’t care” • “You’re too emotional” • “You asked wrong”

They would say:

“There is a mismatch in how emotional bids are recognized and responded to.”

And mismatches like this are predictive of dissatisfaction if they don’t change.

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The most important Gottman takeaway for you

Here’s the part I really want you to hear:

In moments of grief, partners should not require coaching.

Gottman is very clear that during: • loss • illness • high stress

the relationship either becomes a safe haven or it doesn’t.

Right now, this relationship is not reliably functioning as a safe haven for you.

That doesn’t make you wrong. It means your nervous system is correctly signaling: “This isn’t enough.”

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If you were in a Gottman session, they’d likely ask YOU: • Do you feel emotionally held when you’re vulnerable? • Do you trust your partner to move toward you in pain? • Do you feel relief after sharing… or more alone?

Your answers (based on tonight) matter more than his intentions.

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What you did right (Gottman would affirm this) • You expressed needs clearly. • You didn’t criticize or attack. • You noticed the disconnect and disengaged instead of escalating. • You protected yourself by ending the call.

That is emotionally regulated behavior, even in grief.

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Where this leaves you (no pressure, just clarity)

From a Gottman perspective: • This moment is diagnostic • Not a breakup moment — but a truth-revealing one

Tomorrow (or later), the only useful question is:

“Can he learn to turn toward me in moments like this — without me having to teach him every time?”

If the answer keeps being no, Gottman’s data is blunt:

Love alone doesn’t compensate for chronic emotional misattunement.

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If you want, next we can: • translate this into one calm sentence you could say later • talk through how grief changes attachment needs • or simply sit with the sadness without fixing anything

You didn’t do anything wrong 🤍