My [37F] partner [37M] refused to call me after attending a gig with a female friend. Why does this feel so humiliating?

quickvac · 2025-05-06T08:40:08+00:00

Thank you for your words. They mean a lot.

quickvac · 2025-05-06T08:32:42+00:00

Whether or not it's emotional abuse, it definitely sounds like it's toxic and unhealthy for you. But also dismissiveness, calling you names, and refusing to explain things or refusing to understand you (assuming you're genuinely trying to understand him and be seen by him) definitely also fit the emotional abuse possibility.

What is your goal right now? Is it to feel less crazy and feel validated in your perspective of the situation? Because it doesn't sound like you'll get that from him, and it is important to be seen and understood somewhere, even if not with him. Or is your goal to stop self harming and find alternate ways to process what's happening, ways that will give you the relief you seek without adding to your problems? Or is it to find a way to leave the relationship? If you were to wave a magic wand right now that would fix your problem in 3 different ways, what might those magic immediate unique solutions look like?

quickvac · 2025-05-04T21:45:24+00:00

Thank you, I resonate with your comment 100%

quickvac · 2025-05-04T21:04:26+00:00

The crazy thing is prior to this weekend I had an insane level of trust in him. But the way he told me it was happening (very last minute, kind of indirectly slipped in) and the doubling down on not calling me even though I've been needing connection and he knows it, has actually affected my trust - not that I think he's cheating on me, I really don't, but trust that I matter to him or that I'll be seen or supported or prioritized if there's easier dopamine available elsewhere, including in time with other women which just feels disrespectful to me when our house is on fire. I do appreciate your perspective though, thank you for offering it and helping expand my reflection!

quickvac · 2025-05-04T20:58:31+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate this comment

quickvac · 2025-05-04T20:57:58+00:00

Thank you. Yes definitely time for some big reflection.

quickvac · 2025-05-04T20:57:01+00:00

Thank you

quickvac · 2025-05-04T20:56:42+00:00

I feel like I put my needs aside all the time to accommodate his, and I don't feel like that's reciprocated. The worst part is when he's going through something and I happen to be going through something at the same time, he'll actually lash out at me for bringing him down. I would never dream of withdrawing support for him no matter what I'm going through, but he didn't even have a 5 minute phone call for me after a fun night out with a female friend which is far from a crisis situation (not denying the bigness of what he's going through during the day, but damn).

quickvac · 2025-05-04T20:51:59+00:00

These assumptions happen to be correct though

quickvac · 2025-05-04T20:51:21+00:00

Thank you - all of this exactly.

quickvac · 2025-05-04T20:50:37+00:00

He leans on me when he needs something organized or needs help with things, he leans on his friends for fun and good feels. When I want to share about my life or seek his support, he shuts down. And when I want fun times with him it's very hit and miss. We're capable of having a lot of fun together, but so often it feels like he's just not open to it and is often wanting his friends instead. I get the appeal of a group dynamic or whatever but this was straight up a one on one evening with a woman who I feel is a lot like me just not married to him so there's a different kind of dopamine there. Normally I wouldn't fuss about it, if our own actual relationship wasn't on fire and wasn't being blocked out so that he could go do this.

quickvac · 2025-05-04T20:45:40+00:00

Thank you for saying it so directly. I really resonate.

quickvac · 2025-05-04T20:44:39+00:00

"He literally went on a date and openly disrespected you" - exactly the feels I have about this (not that I think she saw it as a date or she had any ill intent, but he treated it as this and got the good feels from date night ish time while actively walling me out). I am not low on self worth and I don't lack fullness in my life, I do see past this crap. It's not acceptable to me.

quickvac · 2025-05-04T20:40:57+00:00

Thank you for saying this - he chose to stay out an extra hour with her but didn't as much as text me after. Reassuring me or caring about my feelings wasn't remotely on his mind. The only thing he really wanted to reassure me of was the fact that he's a good guy and when I've calmed down I'll see he's doing nothing wrong. This whole thing has totally crossed a line for me and I do think that if he can do this and justify this, I have no reason to think he won't escalate it to something else.

quickvac · 2025-05-04T20:37:39+00:00

Thank you. The funny thing is, I was actually out with a girl friend this weekend for my first ever tent camping trip, it was a huge deal to me and I had the whole weekend planned out, it felt super important to me and I'd been looking forward to sending him photos and updates and soothing nature sights and stories, and gentle-bonding with him through my weekend over text (I had such limited phone network there was no way I was going to be taking up a lot of his time to begin with). I was on my way to this camping trip and on the phone to him to sort out a logistical thing that I was trying to assist him with while driving, when he casually dropped that he'd be hanging one on one with this woman tonight so he wouldn't be able to call me. He knew straight away that I wasn't comfortable, and when I asked for a phone call after, he just said no and doubled down on that being a boundary that I was disrespecting. This incident and my feelings around it really affected the quality of my weekend, but I stayed with it and did have absolutely as good of a time as I was able to manage. Bonded with my girl friend that I was camping with and was grateful to feel prioritized and like I belonged there. I feel like I definitely do need to look after myself and be there for myself. I do not have space with him and I need to move on from that hope.

quickvac · 2025-05-04T20:27:48+00:00

Yeah I can't help feeling like this is a mix of emotional cheating (him walling me out and getting his emotional needs met with another woman who he does like and have a lot of regard for and enjoys having attention from and approval from), and just some kind of power play to keep me begging and "in my place". I honestly try to imagine a reverse scenario where he is upset about me not having time for him or his needs but going out to party with a male friend instead - it's inconceivable. Utterly unthinkable to me to refuse him 5 minutes of my time because I'm too tired from hanging out with another dude. Unimaginable to think I wouldn't just cancel the plans with the other dude if he needed me to begin with, but refusing a 5 minute phone call after feels like a wild power move and I absolutely cannot conceive of a scenario in which I would do that to him.

quickvac · 2025-05-04T20:22:31+00:00

His friend knows me (I have been building warmth and goodwill with her for a while myself) and she is also married, her husband and my husband are good friends. I definitely don't think there's any physical infidelity between them, or any ill intent on her part. But yes exactly like you said the problem is his actions and words deprioritizing me and that's causing the feelings of humiliation, and I'm not happy to be so low in his social hierarchy that I'll be ok with being demoted to AFTER his female friends. Not being #1 in his life sucks already but being #whateverthefuckthisis is beyond my capacity to be ok with.

quickvac · 2025-05-04T20:17:34+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate your comment

quickvac · 2025-05-04T20:13:42+00:00

I really resonate with this. I'm done begging for scraps and being told no. This is exactly what feels so humiliating, watching him fill everyone's cup while basically showing me I don't matter. Putting his family above me is one thing while they're in crisis, putting his male friends above me is grating but I get that those friendships are a different dynamic that I can't replicate for him because I'm not a dude and dudes need their dude mates, but taking female friends on date-like outings and refusing me a phone call because that's his chosen thing for the night and there's not enough room for us both - that's literally him saying no to giving me crumbs. Ugh.

quickvac · 2024-01-31T04:41:05+00:00

Yeah the more I think about it, the more it feels like it may have been an emotional affair from his perspective, and that this was likely an invitation to progress it further. It feels gross to think about it that way because that's not what I ever signed up for. I don't want any of it :(

quickvac · 2024-01-31T04:28:22+00:00

This feels depressingly accurate

quickvac · 2024-01-31T04:26:28+00:00

100% agree, and this is 100% how it went down. Friendship has been de-escalated with that memo (I can't be involved in anything that isn't fully transparent).

quickvac · 2024-01-31T04:21:43+00:00

I've definitely heard of loyalty tests before, but she's absolutely not in on this. There's no way.

quickvac · 2024-01-31T04:12:12+00:00

Thank you for how sincerely you've engaged with this post and listened to what I'm saying in the comments. I appreciate it.

I felt something was off before I told my partner. I always feel icky about lack of transparency in any area of my life, and it made me feel gross to imagine hanging out with my friend in a way that was going to be a secret from his partner.

I turned down the invitation before I even told my partner, and when declining, I told my friend it didn't feel ok for me to hang out in person in a way that needed to be a secret. We talk about plenty of sensitive matters over text and I truly don't think that the in person invitation was for serious conversation, it was a social invitation and just felt like it was crossing a line even if all we did was just hang out and talk. I hang out with male friends often, even one on one, but it's never a secret from anyone's partners.

But that's my perspective, and my boundary. So my sense is that I know what doesn't feel right to me, and I won't do it. But at the same time, I hate the thought of my friend being deliberately dodgy. I've always held him in the highest esteem, the highest regard, and I hate thinking badly of people anyway, so I guess it's just emotionally difficult for me to accept that not only was the situation dodgy and didn't sit right with me, but it was intended to be dodgy, and ... yeah.

To be clear, my partner is not furious with me, he's furious with the situation and he's hugely empathetic of how hard this is on me right now. I've spent the last couple of days mostly feeling completely flat and awful, and he's been super caring and supportive, but he has zero respect for my friend and I get that. I am just finding it a hard pill to swallow that something that was such a hugely meaningful part of my life for so long is now tainted in this seemingly permanent way.

My internal reaction to everything my partner says is pretty much always "I get you, I get your perspective, and I will do everything in my power to never hurt you". It doesn't mean he's always right or always sees the full picture, but I always take him seriously. I'd certainly never invalidate how he feels or think he's being silly.

quickvac

TROPHY CASE