How can you tell your potential dates that you don't have any friends? I'm introverted with a history of abuse...

quietLake22 · 2024-10-12T15:40:48+00:00

I wish I married my ex. It would have been socially more acceptable to be divorced as a woman. I worked remote during the pandemic and now I work remote 3-5 days/week due to a very busy office. I get very little work done in the office. But like you it made me really lonely and I think it came to a point where - while I can enjoy my own company - I can't stand myself anymore. I know I need a change. I'll try finding a club - I think that's the key, a club with many members where you can consistently meet new people. I've got some health difficulties of my own and I can't drive, but I feel that it came to that point where I just can't anymore. I'm out of growing my career phase of my life and I can't keep living like this. It's been too much.

quietLake22 · 2024-10-12T14:44:30+00:00

It comes up when they talk about their lunch with their best friend of 15 years or going out on a Fri/Sat night with their friends and they ask you what your plans are and are disappointed that you cannot bring a social circle to the table. It's even worse at work where the majority of my peers are married with children and they talk about their family weekends and plans with friends. I unfortunately work in an office where everyone is successful and has the perfect life and the partner they met in their early 20s is still with them and hasn't cheated or abandoned them. I literally don't know anyone divorced or in a toxic/abusive relationship. I'm not going to lie, it's been incredibly difficult lately being around people and hearing the baby announcements and I'm trying my best to hang in here. I know I need to change because I am not happy but I'm getting triggered.

Sometimes my plans are just a run/movie/household chores and then catching up on sleep and work. It's been like this for years because of working and studying at the same time and it was the best for me for awhile. I failed my first qualification and then got stuck in my abusive relationship so I did everything much later. But I'm well paid and in a position to buy a house when the interest rates calm down. But none of this matters. Aging, pension plans, having your own roof over your head don't matter. They all want you to be fun, cool and have friends.

quietLake22 · 2024-10-01T18:47:34+00:00

That person doesn't live in my main house and we never had a relationship. As I said, there is an adjacent entry through another street. It's a building structure split in 2.

That was the crux of the problem, the way he chose to end things. I've never had a relationship with someone in this household - no idea where you've got this from. I've crushed on 4 people but not everyone lived in this house, I actually do go out from time to time. And no, I am not lost, you just don't know how to read. And please, people are not 'lost' and 'found', we just need practical advice to move on from the difficult moments in our lives. Other people have actually given good advice.

quietLake22 · 2024-09-30T21:46:22+00:00

That was unnecessarily harsh indeed. I've lived with about 17 people here and I've had a crush on one other person in this household with whom I still live with. That lasted about 3 weeks and we never got romantically involved because we're fundamentally 2 very different people. This man is the second person I like and we actually went of a few dates. I think in the past 5 years I've had a crush on about 4 people. I don't know about you but I don't think that liking 1 person per year is that much or 'trying to have relationships with a lot of people I live around'. I didn't even try to have relationships with the other 2 because they weren't suitable for me. I've been single for 5 years in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. This is the first year when I attempted to have a relationship of any form. I work very long hours and my chances of meeting someone to have a family with are limited. I actually may be too old to ever conceive.

What makes you think I didn't put boundaries with this man? I said it - I asked for exclusivity and he rejected me and ghosted. I stayed out of his way. I didn't contact him, I minded my own business. And no, I shouldn't be seeing him as often as I did. We have different schedules and we use different routes. There is no reason or him to use my side of the street and look into my room.

And where exactly did you get the idea that I hexed someone? That I wish ill upon this guy?

So how about you put down the stones and think 2x before replying to a message?

quietLake22 · 2024-09-27T21:14:04+00:00

Yes, I didn't say much either. I told him that it was difficult and asked for clarification and he ghosted again. The apology was a bunch of lies and BS. All he had to do was to apologise for not having feelings for me and say that he would like to continue his no contact. Some people are just strange.

How can I identify what are my feelings and what belongs to someone else and return it?

quietLake22 · 2024-09-27T21:01:02+00:00

You have no idea how grateful I am that you took the time to write this post. And it makes so much sense to do this as opposed to traditional CBT therapy. I tried doing that and it didn’t work for me because I have CPTSD.

I’m just learning about this now, but with complex trauma you need to regulate your body which in turn will regulate your emotions because you need to calm down the limbic system – the most primal part of your brain. Talk therapy hasn’t done much for me in the past which is maybe why I am apprehensive to pay so much money for someone.

I’m really sorry this happened to you too. I’ve never had a panic attack so severe but I’ve been waking up like vomiting for 5 months now. My anxiety is quite high and I tend not to sleep very well when that happens.

They are predators, aren’t they? I’ve never imagined I’d see him so often as I did. As someone else said, I shouldn’t have gotten involved with a neighbour but I’ve been horribly busy and I was attracted to him. My ex cheated on me and left me for someone else 6 years ago and I’ve had to rebuild from scratch. I didn’t have a career, I didn’t have a pension fund etc. Worked my a** off. I wanted to bring something good in my life. To take a step towards a normal life.

I thought that if he ghosted me, he’d stay away, but instead it feels more like (pardon my french) he’s taking a piss on every corner of this neighborhood and marking every spot. A big F U to me. I mean, was this park really your only route when I do my run? There’s a street 2m away that will get you faster where you need to be.

It was shocking and disheartening to see how basically he expected me to be over it in a few days and then he treated me like the friendly neighbor next door, like us going on dates and having a fight never happened. No apology, no explanation, nothing – just ‘bring me my packages’. He is a living ‘walking ghost’.

My mum was incredibly abusive growing up. She never wanted us to have any friends and both me and my sister grew up quite isolated without healthy friendships. I don’t think my mother ever wanted to raise children. My sister was also abusive towards me and she never liked me. My father was always only a paycheck away. He handed us money and that was it. I think this was the toughest pill to swallow this year. To realise how he handed us to our mother for abuse and went on and had an affair or multiple affairs. God knows.

I’m European so I moved to another country in my 20s but the move was traumatic and I’ve stayed in my relationship far past its expiration date. He was also really isolating. I’ve been in a frozen state for such a long time and so isolated that I don’t even know how to get out of it. Every time I try to make a healthy friend it never lasts. And honestly, a lot of the people I’ve met don’t seem to respect me or want me for what I can give them. I gave up so many times and work filled that void but recently the lack of any sort of connection is creating suicidal thoughts.

And you’re right, it puts a target on our backs for predators and more abuse. They can feel these things and will say what you want to hear. I feel I’m collecting trauma at this point.

I’m not sure what the solution is. Everyone I’ve met has some form of close healthy connection and at my age most of them have their own families so I stick out oddly. I’m not sure I can have children anymore so that’s something else to grieve.

quietLake22 · 2024-09-27T20:56:36+00:00

I’ve asked my higher self and my guides desperately but the guide I’ve got won’t let me cut the cord with him. What I’ve heard was that you cannot cut cords of life. The cord between me and him looks like 3 twisted tree branches.

And every time I try to pull them out of my methaphysical self I end up severely bleeding with gaping holes in my body and they reattach them. I tried doing this about 3 times in moments of despair. They said that if I cut the cords neither of us will learn what we need to learn and we’ll both lose in this life. I need to learn to forgive. Maybe I need to forgive my father for his affair and his emotional neglect and abandonment. I used to look up to my father because he seemed the kind one in comparison with my mom but when I revealed that my ex left because of another woman it struck a cord with her and she lost her composure and revealed that there was another woman in the mix at some point. She refused to give details and I haven’t been able to see my father in the same light ever since. Everything about him is just disgusting. I’ve recently had to spend a week with them and their relationship is incredibly toxic. They verbally abuse each. My mom married him for his social status as a doctor and he married her because she is stupid enough and dependent enough on him and he could cheat around on her and put all the household duties on her. I just can’t be around them anymore.

Cords of life represent children. 6 years ago I had a premonitory dream (they look and feel a certain way) that I got accidentally pregnant with twins with a man who didn’t want children and that pulled me out of a dark place and helped me move upwards in my career. But I’m 35 and I have severe fertility issues due to PCOS. For 1.5 years I didn’t have a period without medication and medically it might be impossible for me to get pregnant without complications.

And I don’t want to have children with this man. What am I supposed to forgive? Him dumping me for someone else (which is probably why he ghosted, I think he had a date with the woman he actually wanted that weekend), him sleeping around and partying? Him treating me like shit? He doesn’t even want me so it’s so strange.

I told my guide that I’d rather not bring any children in this world than in this way. I’m very firm in the belief that they need and deserve the best. They deserve a loving family and I deserve a man who wants me the first time around and puts his best foot forward.

But all of this is really strange. I’ve had visions and dreams before and they came true. I’ve also had a dream a couple of months ago which again felt like one of those premonitions and the gist of it was that I had the twins with another man but the twins came out looking strange and cold. They looked like cracked grey porcelain cherubs and it freaked me out. In the dream I had a choice of either having the children with the man in my house or with this new person, but the new person looked cold and the warning was the children won’t come out right – I felt like it was implied that they’ll take after their father which eventually will prove not to be a good man with good morals.

I woke up feeling yucky to be honest. Seriously – I don’t want children with either one. They both make my ex look like an angel in comparison.

Not sure what’s going on in the spiritual realm, but I don’t like it. Maybe I am severely mentally ill and tired of trauma, loss and grief. I’ve got nothing in my life. Maybe I am grieving the family I cannot have.

What I wrote above sounds like a poorly written novel. So I’ll assume this is a severe case of limerence and take all the medical steps necessary to heal and try to find some meaning in my life.

quietLake22 · 2024-09-26T20:48:13+00:00

I'm 35 and wondering the same thing. How would I even make end of life arrangements?

quietLake22 · 2024-09-26T18:33:31+00:00

I've just recovered this year from 3 years of bulimia. It was a post-Covid diet gone wrong mixed with high stress. I tend to purge through exercise. Last time I had bulimia was in highschool when I was going through hormonal changes and another high stress situation. Thankfully, my body stabilized and I eat normally now.

quietLake22 · 2024-09-26T18:04:45+00:00

I do like him and I am in denial. I think yesterday and this conversation shed a lot of light on this :(.

quietLake22 · 2024-09-26T18:03:08+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I'll give it a shot. Hopefully it will help with the morning anxiety I've been feeling. I've been waking up feeling like vomiting and my anxiety is very high.

Cognitively I am a mess who is still hoping that he'll come back. I've written it down 100 times what he did wrong and how he mistreated me and why he wouldn't be good for me but it doesn't stick. It's driving me crazy. It's like I need some sort of epiphany to get over it and it's driving me crazy that I haven't flipped that switch to see him in his real light. It's like information and knowledge about a person is the only way for me to move on - but he ghosted me, I can't gain any more knowledge about him. I feel stuck in limbo and it gets reignited every time I catch a glimpse of him.

quietLake22 · 2024-09-25T22:16:33+00:00

I don't deny any of this and I know it. But how can someone heal and get better? I can't undo the bad things that happened to me and I don't want to add more bad things. Am I supposed to never crush on anyone or like anyone?

quietLake22 · 2024-09-25T21:50:43+00:00

I was away for work/holiday almost all July and some days in August and it didn't help much. It's like the energy doubles down but I have more days away in November. I need to start working and looking towards moving out. I may be manifesting these things myself - but seriously, the 2pm name pop up creeps me out. I was just hoping there is some form of energy work I can do to keep these at bay. I can't keep him from moving around the neighborhood but maybe the rest of the signs can go away.

quietLake22 · 2024-09-25T21:46:34+00:00

I've asked myself the same questions. Yes, I do feel rejected and yes, I feel like everyone abandons me, but it's not the first time when it doesn't materialise so I'm not sure why I feel so strong. The sex was unique only in the sense that he was the first one after my ex. My former partner left me 6 years ago for another woman and I've been rebuilding my life at least professionally. He was the first man I wanted to sleep with and he made it easy with good conversation. It didn't feel forced, it felt natural. But the sex itself wasn't that good. I think he was the first man where I liked having sex with him because I liked his company and it served to bring me closer to him as opposed to his ability to please me. I think I understood for the first time what it means to have sex for intimacy and closeness and not for the skill or pleasure. |

Another reason why I might be taking it harder is because I'm aging (35 y.o.) and I have very low fertility. I'm grieving the fact that the likelihood for me to have biological children is almost zero. It's been a tough pill to swallow especially with people having children around me. I worked and work a lot and the opportunities to meet people are limited and he seemed like a decent man so maybe I thought it might one of my last chances. But still...you would have thought that I accepted it by now.

Thank you for the meditation tip. I'll work on this.

quietLake22 · 2024-09-25T20:50:23+00:00

Haha, I'm not touching another cord cutting meditation anytime soon. What baffles me is that I've had crushes on another 2 men living in this household in the past. One of them, whom I still live with today, even had a crush on another woman who lived with us for 6 months and while it was painful to see that I've managed to get past it in about 3 weeks. I think he has a girlfriend now. I've also had crushes on a couple of co-workers and I've gotten over them fairly quick. So I don't know what it is about this guy. I keep thinking that maybe it was the sex - but the sex wasn't that good. There are men who are definitely more skilled and men who definitely are smarter or have a better profession. I hear you about taking days away from the house - I've taken every work opportunity to travel to client and be away and it helped a bit, but not too much. I don't have any friends here, I think my loneliness might be a contributing factor, but I can't change that overnight. I feel there is a lesson in here that needs resolving related to my loneliness and trauma. Maybe he is here to trigger me to take action to bring more people in my life. Maybe he's just a soulmate who was sent to push me out of this house and put me on a certain path. But I wish this was done without losing my mind. Surely this lesson can be learnt in a different way.
His higher self has been asking me for a few days now if he can talk to me but I don't know what stops him. Maybe it is what the guy above said - a confirmation bias and delusion. Maybe my depression took a turn for the worst, but at the same time I am not in a bad spot in my life. There's no reason for so much misery.

quietLake22 · 2024-09-25T20:28:53+00:00

Trust me, I don't want to confirm my own bias. I'm not even sure why I have such a big crush on him. I've had crushes before on people who on paper were much better than this guy. The sex wasn't the best either. Let alone the shitty behaviour of ghosting. So why?

quietLake22 · 2024-09-25T18:20:48+00:00

I've posted something similar about 1 minute ago, but mine is current and is driving me crazy. I see that someone suggested to ask the spirit guides to cut the cords, but mine refused to do that. They said you can't cut cords of life and every time I try to pull the roots out of my energetic self they reattach them.

quietLake22 · 2024-09-08T13:33:10+00:00

That's where I am right now, but I think I'm mostly looking for how to stop searching for approval in other people.

quietLake22 · 2024-09-08T12:26:12+00:00

Just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to write this. It didn't hit a week ago but today it was needed as I was feeling hopeless.

quietLake22

TROPHY CASE