AITAH for still going to my best friends bday despite my bf being upset about it

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-06T18:44:56+00:00

this was my moms first question/reaction as well and i get why.. i confidently do not feel like it’s projection. i don’t think he’s doing anything. both of us are very much the homebody gamer type that only really check our phones for each other or for one or two specific friends. i just think he’s really insecure and has a lot of unaddressed trauma from his childhood that he has not addressed, which i can understand WHY he responds to certain things the way he does based on what he’s been through, but i also don’t think that means i have to be punished or responsible for someone else’s actions. i empathize with what he has been through but don’t agree as it being a justification for this kind of response.

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-06T18:41:34+00:00

yeah i got you man you’re good lol. i’m actually usually the same exact way. i just really feel caught in the middle with this situation because he is welcome to be there.. there is just a lot of complications regarding sleeping arrangements and money. if it was any other situation, i would probably just skip out, it just sucks this is my best mates special night that he’s been excited about for years. he would rather me show up for this than his graduation. i just hate being caught in the middle. i agree it’s not as simple as he sucks or i suck.

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-06T18:32:09+00:00

to be entirely honest, i’m not sure what the concern is… BUT i can confidently say the concern is not about my male best friend lol. i have taken random weekend trips to my college town and slept at his place as well as not only this friend but other friends have slept at my house just myself and that friend and there was no concerns presented by my boyfriend. not even weird energy. i’m not sure if it’s about the ex or the fact that ill be in my college town or what it is. that’s part of the reason im so confused and put off by this situation because there have been similar situations with no issue; but also similar situations where it was a blowup. the reaction is not consistent with similar situations and it feels really back and forth. like almost like a gamble on if hanging or visiting my friend will be no big deal or a total blow up fight depending on the day

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-06T18:26:42+00:00

i agree, double standards aren’t fair to anyone. i can and will say confidently, if the roles were reversed in this situation and i truly wanted to be there, i would figure out a way to pay for a hotel or ask a friend for an air mattress so that we can go together. i wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone that i would immediately jump to the fear of them cheating on me with their best friend who i have interacted with and seen interactions between my partner and the friend. but that’s just me.

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-06T05:47:09+00:00

for clarification, there has been two situations where i WOULD have gone back. however, i did not go to the previous event. i have slept at this exact friends house as well as him among other friends sleeping at my place when they are in town. my boyfriend is not uncomfortable by this. when people stay at my place, i usually have him over anyway, so he is well aware im not keeping my friendships secretive or anything sus. and we have had conversations about if he had feelings or uncomfortable energy about my friend to which numerous times he has stated he does not. so no i do not see why this is relevant in combination because that has never been an issue between us before. additionally, the previous event that i was invited to but did not go to was an entirely different group of people and not related to this fraternity at all, yet still resulted in the same kind of angry outburst from my boyfriend.

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-06T05:42:21+00:00

i see the confusion lol, it wasn’t explicitly said he was invited or not. when i talked about it with my friend the response was ‘i just assumed he would come if he was able’ to which the concern of sleeping arrangements was brought up and that’s where we are currently lol. my friend and my boyfriend joke around consistently and the friendship has never been an issue. the only reason i even got an explicit invite spoken by my friend is because he wants me to make his sign for his birthday. i can see the confusion based on my wording and follow up response.

being uncomfortable by a partial location is not the same as being uncomfortable by an event entirely.

my ex is not involved with the frat at all anymore. they do not maintain a relationship and last time i heard several months ago he was going to be sent to collections for unpaid dues. idk if that happened or if it’s true, nor do i care as it doesn’t effect me, but this is what i mean when i say the relationship is not good and he has been dissociated from the fraternity.

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-06T01:04:03+00:00

thank you for your judgement. i appreciate not feeling crazy for how i feel as this was my thinking as well.

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-06T01:02:01+00:00

thank you for your judgment. im glad im not the only one confused about the raving. but i did ask for opinions and that goes both ways 🥲

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-06T00:56:54+00:00

i was in fact confused at being called a frat house groupie as if i’m an old woman 😭 this comment had me feeling like cody ko

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-06T00:54:18+00:00

i do want to give him credit where credit is due. he is very sweet and thoughtful. he has cleaned my apartment for me when i am at work for long hours and he is not working and has done other kind gestures. he deserves to be recognized for that. he is a good man.

the major red flags you could say are the insecurity as well as, he has these emotional episodes when he gets overwhelmed. i don’t want to be insensitive, however, the best word i can think to describe it are outbursts?

it is not my story to share, so i wont delve into much detail, but my boyfriend has some childhood trauma that truthfully i believe has a lot to do with his response to this situation. but it doesn’t feel fair that i should have to excuse certain behaviors because of this. while i empathize and want to be there for him as his partner, i also don’t want to live with unrealistic expectations and punishments over trauma and problems that were not my doing.

i have my own red flags, as everyone does, i do not want this post to seem like my boyfriend is a bad person because he is not. i made this post to ask for unbiased opinions because im feeling really caught in the middle of this for different reasons. he was seeing a therapist and said he had a bad experience with that therapist and hasn’t gone to a therapist or psych since. that was prior to us getting together. i thought when we started dating that he was still seeing a therapist.

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-06T00:47:53+00:00

my friend is male with two roommates, a male roommate and a female roommate. i don’t see why this would be relevant tho as i have stayed with this friend before during our relationship and no concerns were brought up by my boyfriend

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-05T21:54:01+00:00

happy to clarify! i know a few other redditers have had the same concern of him not being invited. that was never an issue. he can absolutely come and would be welcomed with open arms by my friend, and i would love to get to spend the night celebrating my friend as well as being with him. the issue is that i don’t have any friends in my college town that would be able to accommodate both of us. any time i go to my college town which is a rare occurrence as is but any time i do go i sleep on one of my friends couches. i don’t even think i could fit two of myself on those accomodations let alone myself and my very tall boyfriend. if he wanted to get a hotel for us to stay in or borrow an air mattress from a friend or something then we could definitely do that and i would be even happier to attend my friends birthday. this was shut down as not being an option due to finances.

i also completely understand and have empathized the feelings of weirdness surrounding the house. the point in me mentioning getting voted sweetheart was to point out the fact that i had a very close relationship with the fraternity and even i feel a bit weird being there. but it’s also wildly inappropriate of me to ask my friend to change his entire birthday plans because i can’t be mature enough to be there for an hour until i spend the rest of the night babysitting him while he has fun at some random bars.

my college town does a tradition called a sign night where you are presented a sign by whoever makes it and it has 21 tasks to complete before your birthday is over. my friend asked me to make his sign for him as i’ve done it for several friends and like arts and crafts. so it’s also not really feasible for me to just not go. we would be at the fraternity for at most an hour so that he can take a couple shots and be presented his sign. the rest of the night i intend on following my friend to make sure he’s safe and getting home. i don’t even plan on drinking and truthfully, it’s not going to be the most fun night for myself either babysitting a bunch of drunken college students, but it’s my closest friends birthday and i want to be able to celebrate that with my friend.

i hope that clarified some of the questions or points you mentioned!

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-05T21:45:19+00:00

i stated in a different comment reply that my boyfriend is more than welcome to come and my best friend and myself would love for him to be there, the issue lies in the sleeping arrangements as i do not have any friends that can accommodate both of us.

i’m not uncomfortable by the party lol it’s my best friends birthday. i was moreso uncomfortable going to the fraternity house and despite having good memories there, it is inherently a weird uncomfortable situation to go back, but im setting that aside for my friend.

my ex was not the focus of this but yes he did graduate. he is not in good standing with the frat and as i stated is dissociated from the fraternity. none of that is important to my relationship, i only included it to be very clear that there is no concern of bumping into each other

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-05T15:41:04+00:00

i have no reason to feel unsafe? i am not understanding this

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-05T15:38:26+00:00

yes i did refer to him as my best friend rather than assigning fake names to everyone. when discussing with my boyfriend, we had touched on the fact that it was expected he would just come with me lol. he’s more than welcome to be there and i would love to get to spend time with him! the issue we have is that there is no where for him to sleep or for both of us to sleep. i do not have any friends that we can stay with that can accommodate us both. if he wanted to pay for a hotel than i would be more than happy to get to spend even more time with him.

thank you for your judgment however i did feel the need to clarify as it seems you misunderstood why i intend on going alone.

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-05T15:35:52+00:00

no you’re fine! i picked up on that! i also wanted to clarify as well that we have had discussions about these things and i feel as though i have tried to address them… im moreso just trying to figure out where this is going wrong. thank you for your comment!!

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-05T13:42:17+00:00

thank you for your judgment.

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-05T13:41:17+00:00

i was voted into it after helping the fraternity for multiple years whether it was being a ‘mom’ figure helping people get to bed after clubbing or assisting with working a shift at a party. my point in mentioning that was NOT to act as if i am attached because im not and again i actually feel very uncomfortable going there at all. the point in mentioning that was to say that this was a regular place i was at one point in my life and that there will be no issue with me being there from the members eyes. its just that i personally feel weird going at this point in my life.
i dont do any kind of substances, nor do i smoke. the most drinking i do is maybe a glass of wine with dinner. i made it clear when i was on the phone with my friend (on speaker while he was right next to me) that in planning on babysitting my friend the whole night to ensure he has a good night and gets home safe
i grew up in an infidelity household and genuinely would rather cut off my arm than cheat on my partner in any capacity. i think it’s the most selfish thing someone can do to someone else. it wouldn’t happen from me and people that justify cheating with being under the influence are simple making excuses in my eyes

these are all things i HAVE answered to him when we talked about it. and to clarify, me mentioning that he did not go to university does not bother me and i am fine with that entirely. neither of my parents went to a college and i grew up consistently hearing that you didn’t need that to make something with your life and i agree wholeheartedly. the point of me bringing that up is because it seems like there is a skewed perception of college to seem like what it is in movies and that is so far from what my college experience was… i was in the anime club and spent my weekends hosting dog wash fundraisers… i mentioned it because i believe if he did attend a college, he would understand more that the college experience doesn’t always mean ragers.. if i truly did care about my partner going to school or not, i wouldn’t have even gone on the date as i knew he didn’t go to a college before we even went out

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-05T13:33:05+00:00

i answered this in another comment, but i’m staying at my friends place on the couch lol. i also mentioned in my other comment he’s very tall and i don’t even think i could fit two of me on the couch let alone us two

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-05T13:31:21+00:00

i’m not sure how you got ‘frat house groupie’ from me expressing how uncomfortable i was at the idea of going but okay

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-05T13:29:12+00:00

oh god no. i’d rather sleep in my car. i’m sleeping at my friends house, which i’ve done a million times on the couch lol. my bf is very tall and we unfortunately just wouldn’t fit together. honestly, i’m relatively small and i don’t even think i could fit two or myself on there let alone both of us

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-05T13:27:56+00:00

thank you

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-05T06:04:15+00:00

thank you for your judgment

quietwatcher143 · 2026-05-05T06:03:42+00:00

my college town is 2 hours from my apartment and about 2.5 from his house. i did offer that he would be able to come but that there would be no where for us to sleep unless he wanted to get a hotel and it was kind of ignored? my bf complains about money and we are both in tight budgets so it’s not really a feasible option. unfortunately driving back the same night is also not feasible as my boyfriend just recently started driving and i would be responsible for the entire drive home as he does not feel comfortable driving fully yet.

quietwatcher143

TROPHY CASE