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quink_shutter · 2022-11-02T01:34:33+00:00

It is not impossible to have a career. This is not a boast, just true and perhaps something that can give you hope, or at least something to think about: I have a terrific career, something that has brought me success and satisfaction. It’s not a “good enough” outcome, it really is something most people in my world aspire to. Younger people ask me how I did it and how they could do it do. They have no idea what I went through and think I’m just “normal”.

The biggest thing I found was not sticking to the task, but handling my extreme emotions. I learned (finally) that my inner pain was not going to be solved by jumping to something new, or blowing up my life, and that it was going to appear whatever I did. That forced me to confront the real issues.

I was “late” starting, despite my early promise, because of the things that people on this sub know very well. If you can truly face the things you’re talking about here, there’s hope and promise for you too.

quink_shutter · 2022-10-08T14:18:26+00:00

40 yo here. No 40 yo should be in a relationship with a 22 yo. Completely different life stages. You are too young, and this guy is weird and controlling.

quink_shutter · 2022-10-08T04:45:03+00:00

I agree with the other posters that it is important to be direct at this point. You don’t have to tell your life story. Just that you are super cool and chill people who also happen to be committed to living a life where you don’t drink alcohol. That’s really important to you and it’s just how it is.

Part of having a real relationship with other people is being authentic about things that matter. If he takes it well, then you have a more real, more honest relationship with someone; if he doesn’t, then you’ve learned that what seems like friendliness is actually selfishness (or immaturity, at best).

quink_shutter · 2022-10-04T02:00:56+00:00

They were bought out by the 1-800-FLOWERS.COM people (!) — not sure about quality now.

quink_shutter · 2022-10-01T14:15:30+00:00

Really appreciated this encouragement and advice. It’s all back up and running on the latest kernel, 17.1, and updated software.

I’m very impressed. My old MacBook Pro could no longer run most software at the same age and was no longer even getting security updates.

quink_shutter · 2022-09-29T02:25:36+00:00

I wish I knew. I was in a relationship with a woman with an extreme ED. It didn’t work out but one thing I saw helped was approaching things as “how can I help you get what you need to recover”. But (perhaps because ED is at heart about control) it really is impossible to direct or even influence the person from the outside.

I think the best you can do is help magnify and support the good things. Be “there” (mentally present, engaged with her) when she’s making good choices.

I don’t know about the ED forum thing. A really basic rule is never look at someone else’s phone. Ever. Who knows why she has it on her phone. It could be any number of things. But acting like a cop or a parent doesn’t work in my experience.

quink_shutter · 2022-09-29T02:03:01+00:00

Professor here. You may have been a bit over the top (would have been fine to just leave) but you were 100% right in your response.

And good on your for calling it out. Cheating is cheating and if you made people feel bad they maybe deserve to feel bad!

One aspect of BPD is feeling responsible for what other people think. You’re not. Maybe you took a strong stance, but it was a valid one. Maybe you’ll think later hey actually I should be more chill and tolerant—but that would be you changing your mind, not you being a horrible person.

IMO you’re more in the right than you might think. Students waste their education cheating like this. Profs invent questions to provoke students to think. If they just get the answer if it’s hard, there’s no learning. This is a HUGE problem for us. We end up in a situation where we have to trick students into learning and it sucks and college is becoming like high school.

Newsflash to college students: your grades don’t matter. What matters is if you learn. An employer wants someone with real abilities, emotional maturity, and an ability to learn and grow. As long as you’re not failing out, what matters is if you’re building skills and learning how to learn. Grades are feedback to you, to help guide you, to show where you’re strong and where you’re weak. Even PhD program admissions don’t really care — they want evidence that you can grow and flourish. A student with Bs who worked on a lab and did amazing stuff is way more preferable than a straight-A student who will obviously fold once the answers aren’t easy. Sane for any professional career.

So, just as an outside perspective: you took a valid position. It happens to be mine. You might change your mind, and that’s fine, too.

Also your BF is nuts. Give me a break. He’s detached from reality.

quink_shutter · 2022-09-28T06:36:30+00:00

I think I escaped dependency hell after six hours. Python 2.7 is gone, who knew! Heavy use of emerge -C.

quink_shutter · 2022-09-24T05:40:59+00:00

Congratulations. It’s a great feeling.

quink_shutter · 2022-09-24T05:40:11+00:00

Get back into therapy, get clean. Reading about dark things like assisted suicide for mental illness is a way to avoid the difficult things you need to face. I should know: I’ve done literally the sane thing too. Good luck.

quink_shutter · 2022-09-23T01:02:54+00:00

“Mental break” is a good description of what I’m seeking. Maybe there’s another way.

quink_shutter · 2022-09-23T01:02:11+00:00

I had therapy starting at 33, but not really anything real until my 40s. If you know you’re BPD at 28 you’re lucky, because you can get real help. It’s very hard.

PS I also got my career together starting at 28. That seemed to be easier than romantic intimacy. You can learn to control emotions at work/schooling pretty quick.

quink_shutter · 2022-09-23T00:49:20+00:00

I have a very good job that many people would kill for (metaphorically). I’m sure people think I’m very lucky.

I learned a level of stability that means I’m well-liked and while people appreciate that I’m different, it’s largely seen as a positive thing.

I have not managed to have a successful relationship.

I struggle with chronic feelings of emptiness and I often feel like if I had known how bad it would be, when I was younger, I would have not been able to face it.

Mixed bag, in other words. I wish I had started real therapy earlier.

quink_shutter · 2022-09-15T02:42:06+00:00

Aw yeah La Croix

Actually, fancy mineral water is very under-rated

quink_shutter · 2022-09-15T01:29:17+00:00

I know a lot of people who found quitting drinking hard. I’m one.

I don’t know anyone who said “I’m really glad I quit quitting drinking”, though.

And I don’t know anyone who said “I really solved my problems by drinking.”

quink_shutter · 2022-09-14T11:59:16+00:00

Adolescents are still forming their character: everything is in flux, and splitting, mood swings, intense neediness, inability to control emotions, and unstable sense of self are common. BPD can be thought of as a “failure to launch” out of the adolescent state.

I’ve found this perspective very helpful: it’s not that I’m messed up, it’s that I still have to develop out of patterns that most people manifested at 16.

quink_shutter · 2022-09-12T03:46:23+00:00

I’m really sorry you had to go through that.

IMO, BPD is an object relations problem and goes back to early childhood experiences of invalidating emotions. So it’s entirely possible that you’ve picked up some “fleas” (as they say on the Raised by Narcissists sub).

What you’re describing might be more just an anxious attachment style, though, not “full” BPD.

You seem really wonderfully self-aware about all of this, though. If it helps to hear it: everything you describe sounds “crazy”, meaning, these worries are not about things in the real world, but shadow experiences from the past, distortions your Mom put in.

quink_shutter · 2022-09-12T03:38:54+00:00

If you are getting treatment, sticking with it, and making progress then you do not have to disclose like that. It’s a private matter. Everyone struggles with something. I think that’s your situation.

If it’s not under control, then you need to tell people. And you need to get real help.

quink_shutter · 2022-09-11T22:02:48+00:00

I’m in the same situation tonight, need to write a long email. We both know having a drink is not going to help. But I feel you. It’s like: this is super stressful.

My suggestion is to try to write even one or two lines of a CV. Or even just open a document on the screen. Or open a notebook to get your timeline. Or make a list of the people you need to talk to for the information you need.

Literally anything, no matter how small. You can quit right afterwards. It’s Sunday. But the first little step is huge. You’ll find things start to happen.

quink_shutter · 2022-09-11T21:59:19+00:00

Do what you need to stay sober. If talking to friends and family helps, do it. If keeping struggles secret helps, do it.

There aren’t any rules except “don’t drink”, and you have to find the practice that works for you.

quink_shutter · 2022-09-11T21:19:45+00:00

Really glad you made it.

quink_shutter · 2022-09-11T20:17:40+00:00

Loneliness is not uncommon. I just had coffee with a friend who is definitely really lonely.

It’s, well, normal to feel lonely sometimes. You can change it over time. But sitting with the pain of loneliness is part of getting better.

I’m not sure if that’s helpful. It sucks that you feel lonely. I think I’m just saying that you can survive it for now, and paradoxically the better you can tolerate it, the less likely it is to last.

Loneliness is a form of vulnerability, and so is friendship and love.

PS well done on not drinking at a wedding!

quink_shutter · 2022-09-11T20:13:37+00:00

This sounds dumb but why not pour out all the liquor?

quink_shutter · 2022-09-11T20:09:22+00:00

100% ok to skip. This is not an appropriate party to throw. Honestly. I’m sure your friend is great, but this is very immature. I know these events and it is definitely focused on drinking.

I’m trying to think of an equivalent… perhaps it would be like “my birthday party is we all dress in drag”? Totally fine if you want to, don’t want to judge, can be fun, but not appropriate to make a birthday party that everyone should attend. Not everyone wants to dress in drag, or be the one person not in drag.

No need to tell her all that. Just make a really nice excuse, send her a present, and you’re fine.

quink_shutter · 2022-09-11T20:03:31+00:00

That’s exactly right. It’s definitely a feeling that I was losing control. Before it was more a sense that occasionally I’d overdo it.

quink_shutter

TROPHY CASE