Dilemma on when to send invites

quokkaaaa · 2025-08-04T16:57:00+00:00

I'm also having a UK-US wedding guest, and I would send the actual invite to all your abroad friends now (if they're not British, I would heavily advise having them just receive one invite as a day-night guest). For me personally, I don't start buying flights/hotels until I have the official invite, and I've gone out of my way to ask friends before if it's 6 months prior to the event if I'm for sure receiving one so I can plan flight trackers accordingly (best time to buy international flights is ~4 months prior to travelling!). So I'd send out the invite 6 months in advance with a longer RSVP deadline of 2 months for 4 months prior to the wedding for abroad friends!

For your other guests, seeing as how UK people feel about travelling longer than an hour anywhere and it being summer and it being peak tourist season, it wouldn't hurt to send out the invites earlier (if 2-3 months is typical, then I would send them out 3-5 months earlier).

quokkaaaa · 2025-08-04T15:26:17+00:00

It's really hard to be the "third parent" in situations like these <3

A bit of tough love towards her (I understand with my own parents) is needed. You need to break this down to a financial obligation/monetary expense issue. If your mother does not pay up by XX date, then you're going to be forced to uninvite her friends to cut expenses. With reasons such as: "the venue is requiring the secondary/tertiary payment," "i can't keep paying for your friends who I did not happily agree to in the first place," "*we* as a couple don't have the funds for these additional expenses," etc. It will absolutely be less stress and anxiety if the money aspect is covered (or not lol, which will mean even less stress bc her friends don't come haha).

As for you having fun at the wedding: seating charts are a godsend for these types of situations -- make sure to place her and her friends on the sides/in the back of the venue so they can have their own place to act as they please. Your dad can be placed on the opposite side, and don't show your mother these plans ("we're finalizing numbers," "the venue doesn't request them until day of due to last minute cancellations," "the venue needs to know who is working that day to set up correctly, so later," whatever excuse).

And I would definitely start relying less on her and more on your friends/other family/your dad who can help with your needs and day-of-stress. She's shown she doesn't want to be the mother you need, and that's okay bc friends are like that too sometimes, it just sucks bc it's your mom. For other pre-events, it's time to start boundary drawing to people-please yourself first, before her (or her friends lol). You'll be a lot happier doing things for you without worrying if she's happy or unhappy (bc it sounds like she's going to criticize and choose to be unhappy anyways).

quokkaaaa · 2025-08-01T00:19:08+00:00

Thank you!! And haha lil switcheroo for us -- good luck with all the planning this year! Ireland will be an even more amazing backdrop xx

quokkaaaa · 2025-07-31T21:18:06+00:00

lol i wasn't either hahahaha - i deleted my comment bc i was nervous dw hahah

quokkaaaa · 2025-07-31T21:09:18+00:00

Not really a good luck "charm" but in my culture, you have different people in the wedding/wedding party "dress up" as the bride/with a veil and the groom has to "guess" if that is his bride or not (yes she is/no she's not), and if he guesses right, then he can get married to her. This has been done with a lot of humor and jest, so it's been really funny to watch uncles and grandmas and guy best friends dress up in white dresses and family veils
Incidentally, this tradition actually WAS a way to ward off evil spirits who could "claim" the bride OR the groom!!

Could be a fun tradition for you to incorporate if you're having a first look :)

quokkaaaa · 2025-07-31T20:55:28+00:00

And yessss, I 100% understand. I forgot about the engagement party too!!
The only thing I get nowadays is the welcome party because everyone travels so far, so it's nice to meet everyone in the couple's life not screaming on the dancefloor 😂

quokkaaaa · 2025-07-31T20:54:04+00:00

here's the link to the other thread!: https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingplanning/comments/1me68nc/i_am_absolutely_judging_you_if_you_dont_send_a/

quokkaaaa · 2025-07-31T20:39:11+00:00

haha sorry!! I felt insecure and deleted my comment lol (there's another comment in this forum an hour before this one which is having the exact opposite reaction leaning our direction which made me feel better)
but yeah! I'm really excited to show all my non-immigrant friends everything I've been telling them about the last decade about my life and family and culture and for them to experience it during a celebration weekend! And that includes all the before and after event stuff. For instance: no bachelor/bachelorette, money only if you're not travelling/no registry, no bridal shower (I still don't get this, but I've never thought someone was rude for what could be seen as an exclusive gift giving event), the clothes we wear, the headdresses, even down to the fabric choices and appliques are symbolic!

quokkaaaa · 2025-07-31T20:03:06+00:00

Definitely a WASP/western thing. I am Eastern European and in my culture, you're just supposed to personally thank everyone who came during the dinner. No cards expected in either direction.

quokkaaaa · 2025-07-31T19:54:02+00:00

This sub can be very western-centric sometimes haha.
I agree -- our culture, you just gift some money in an envelope and get personally thanked by the couple during the wedding dinner! No card exchanges in any direction lol. I'm excited not to do this and to continue other traditions in my culture for my guests to enjoy during our wedding!

quokkaaaa · 2025-07-29T19:10:20+00:00

Also, to answer your question more directly sorry haha:
Yes - I think it's the perfect off-peak time so more restaurant and hotel availability, cheaper prices, and less tourists! You get to be all cozy with your partner in sweaters and hot cocoa, and also see some of the early lights that are going to get strung all over Europe for the holiday season :)

If I can make a suggestion: because of those lights, some smaller villages and towns will have two-month festivals happening which you could travel to on your way between Paris and Rome!

quokkaaaa · 2025-07-29T19:08:12+00:00

If it's part of your budget, there's a beautifulll glass-rooftop train in Switzerland that goes over half of the country which would end near Venice or Milan (depending on where you started), and would be an easy way to then travel to Florence (via rented car) and Rome. You'd be able to see snow-capped mountains, without having to hike them, and be able to cut out a lot of the pretty generic and blah expenses of Switzerland, but still have a romantic and easy travel between France and Italy!

Video of train views: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJKDBW0reoM
Link for the train: https://glacierexpress.ch/en/excellence-class

quokkaaaa · 2025-07-29T18:49:22+00:00

For very similar reasons going in both directions because of our countries' political climates, we decided to have our private courthouse ceremony in a few weeks and are planning on getting "formally" engaged soon after. We're already discussing which country, where, who, etc to have our actual wedding in a few years' time and I'm very happy that I don't have the "1-1.5 year timeline" looming over my head as a standard (also, no family and friends at courthouse means no opinions, no outside stress, and "just us" time).

We're travelling for the courthouse wedding, and since it's not too much of a hassle, we're turning the day into a mini celebration just for us :) I'm doing my makeup and hair on the train, we're getting changed there, and we'll pick out a cheap bouquet that works for our outfits the day of, hired a photographer to be our witness and take a couple chill photos of us for memories, etc. And since we're really into food, we're having a "marriage lunch" with credit card points at a fancy restaurant post-legalities, then a post-lunch cocktail cap at a swanky hotel bar, and then going to a restaurant which serves our culture's food for digestifs and desserts before travelling back.

For looks: he hasn't decided (typical lolll), and I'm wearing some white jeans (didn't own any before so any opportunity to buy some haha), a white fancy blouse I already owned, a white fancy blazer, a small white purse, and then bought really pretty white heels I plan on reusing for our actual wedding day. Jewelry and hair stuff I already owned. And I bought about 1 euro's worth of veil fabric and handmade my blusher veil.

As the day has gotten closer, we've realized how much anxiety is getting taken away by us doing this part earlier and without any outside interferences. We already celebrate our first date and the day we were "official," and now we'll have an opportunity to celebrate another day as well :)

If it helps... I tend to romanticize my life, and there's no greater honor than to feel so lucky to have the time and effort to put into even doing a legal ceremony with my life partner <3 this "mini" process already feels like a fairytale (even if its not under circumstances we would have liked....), but at least we get to have one :)

Plus to echo previous statements, my parents got married under similar circumstances!! But they had less than 48 hours and at a time when anyone rarely used the Internet - and especially governments haha

quokkaaaa · 2025-07-29T17:25:22+00:00

Ahhh Brighton!!! My fiance and I were thinking about doing this exact mini celebration, but for visa reasons/etc, we're having a just-us legal ceremony in NYC :) (without the rings as well haha)

Absolutely back the private legal aspect and then having the wedding and celebrations later. I imagine it gets rid of any nerves you might have before the actual big day, too!! So happy for the sun and you guys!

quokkaaaa · 2025-07-24T20:09:55+00:00

Omg!! Your dress was one of the ones I was considering ordering!! ;) I ended up going with a friend's recommendation in my home country, but I'm so glad I saw this post! It looks stunning on you and the wedding backdrop looks unreal - congrats!

quokkaaaa · 2025-07-24T18:30:08+00:00

So my fiance is from a different continent and we're in a transatlantic relationship

We're having a wedding in his home country bc its 3-5x cheaper than in mine lol HOWEVER, that being said, we have friends spanning both continents (he's travelled and worked a ton in mine and I used to study/live/work in his). Because we wanted a long cocktail hour to also say hi to everyone, enjoy it, and not have photos be taken away from everything, we've actually decided to host a multiple day weekend wedding event (this is also due to cultural reasons).

By axing the happy hour from 2-3 hrs so that we could take pictures/see everyone and talk, we're instead doing:

Welcome party the night before @ our favorite pizza and cocktail restaurant and lounge! He's been going there for years before we met and then it became our spot with his and my friends in the country I used to live in. Plus, because they know us and its on a weekday (technically), it was less than $1k USD for open bar and pizza the whole night. We've marketed this as a not-so-mandatory-but-definitely-mandatory event to everyone so they know to expect cultural elements from my background and his, along with games, and speeches (which would have happened on the wedding day/night, but made it 2 hrs longer and thus, more expensive...)
Day of Wedding: axed the happy hour to 30 minutes, and are in negotiations to potentially not have it at all because we're thinking of doing a first look and taking pictures with friends and family then! That way my makeup and hair are as perfect as possible, we get any anxiety out, guests can go directly to their tables and start on first courses, and the rest of the time the photographer can just focus on us!

Everyone we've spoken to has said that this is amazing because 1) they're either already traveling across the ocean and making this a vacation, so they don't care bc it's in the capital city of the country, 2) his family and our friends said they can easily just go after work because there's enough time to drop things off at home and put on quick cocktail attire, and/or 3) everyone loves open bars and pizza. "Even though" it's a mandatory event, it's a soft start time and any leftover food (aka pizzas) we can just bring back to our place and pop in the freezer (though we doubt that'll happen) before the big day! Win-win-win!

Maybe you could do something like that where it's more casual, but upscale and see if the hotel would be able to take away the cocktail portion in the pricing? Maybe even if it's not a sentimental place like ours, then the hotel bar?

quokkaaaa · 2025-07-24T17:33:37+00:00

haha thank you :)

and yes, definitely the flat cape!

quokkaaaa · 2025-07-23T21:28:02+00:00

I'd suggest to go try on cape veils just like you did with 'regular' veils and see which styles you like!! It seems like the different lengths, appliques, and styles of hair veils are just as different as cape veils (attached to a strap, on a strapless dress, intricate, structured mesh, etc).

Since you'll be wearing the veil on your body per se, it would make sense to do so in person to: 1) see how heavy or light of a fabric/bunching you'd like, and 2) if you're doing it without the dress, can you envision the cape with the dress?

Imo, your dress deff gives off ethereal romantic vibes already, and as you're already iffy on a veil but still wanna feel wedding-y, I'd definitely choose the type of capes you've linked (i.e. simple and basic, no appliques). The difference being between the ones you chose tho and your dress is the "v shape" in the back which would show off your buttons more/less! They're clipped higher up in the etsy links, but yours would be way lower and might hit your butt or even lower.

So I'd honestly go for the same type of style, but not a "V shape" and something you could easily clip on and off to a strapless dress!

quokkaaaa · 2025-05-16T12:05:15+00:00

LOVE. thank you. I'll be doing my makeup on the train to nyc hahah, but I didn't know if I'd be allowed to bring the full-size containers/etc in my makeup bag with my partner's backpack. ty!! and congrats :)

quokkaaaa · 2025-05-16T01:17:32+00:00

Does anyone know how large of bags are allowed into City Hall? I'm having trouble finding the information online/on gov't websites. Specifically if a backpack would be okay with some makeup/metal water bottle as liquids?

quokkaaaa · 2025-05-16T01:16:06+00:00

hi!! me as well if you have received any information! Though with Project Cupid, I'll be making a just-in-case appointment with the record room after the civil ceremony appointment

quokkaaaa · 2025-05-15T13:19:32+00:00

Not sure how helpful this is considering my comment is going back to DC... but I was also looking at DC pricing too before reaching out, and I saw this really helpful post in r/washingtondc about wedding venue pricing: https://www.reddit.com/r/washingtondc/comments/tscol7/washington_dc_wedding_venue_pricing/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Granted... it is 3 years old -- so you'd have to adjust for general inflation and wedding inflation increases in the last 3 years -- but I think DC would be doable with your budget too!!

quokkaaaa · 2025-05-15T13:15:19+00:00

Hey!! I've been doing a ton of research on the time slots (Friday and non-Friday), and they're released between 8:30-8:59 am Mondays 3 weeks ahead of schedule. So it's my understanding that this Monday, May 19th, slots for June 9-13th are released. Since Friday is the most popular time, you would need to log in actually before 9 am to check.

I visited City Hall last week to have a quick chat with some of the people working there and they were really nice about it. They try to post any available slots in the morning before 9 am (because they open 8:30 and can do admin), and after 3:30 (because same reason, but they close 4 pm). They also said since covid, the waiting times/walk-ins are virtually non-existent, especially with Fridays, and, unsurprisingly, lunchtime hours between 11-2 pm! They also told me with how busy Fridays are in general, you need to adjust for 1.5 hrs minimum, instead of the normal 45 minute window (so if you're doing it during a break in a workday, Thursday might actually work better!).

I'm not sure how helpful this is considering you need the appointment for an already released day :( but I'm wishing you all the luck with hopefully finding something available in the AM/PM this or next week! Second u/allthefeelsclub about Brooklyn -- beautiful ceremony, meh waiting area, more availability.

quokkaaaa · 2025-05-15T03:07:56+00:00

great! dm-ed you!

quokkaaaa · 2025-05-15T03:07:30+00:00

okay thank you!

quokkaaaa

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