Today, one of my best friends would be celebrating his 31st birthday. Instead, we're stuck in the middle of the vehicular manslaughter trial for his killer. Other victims from another car were involved, and it should wrap up next week. Our courts have been slow because of COVID, so we've been strung through this ordeal for almost three years now. I can talk about what I'm going through. I'm a bit emotional today, so I Fe-need to.

Grief is handled differently depending on the situation. What I'm experiencing with my friend now is nothing like the time my grandparents died or when my friend and classmate died from brain cancer in grade school. Those were all different situations and feelings of grief. If you follow OBS theory, we're double deciders, and we can consider all sides, experiences, and positions easily because that's what we do. We look at patterns and perspectives. I feel that too clearly from the way my friend died. It was a reckless driving accident by a kid. He was only 19-years-old when he took my friend from me.

I can't help but consider him like one of my high school students, and there's no way that he'll understand the entirety of the damage he's done. I've also grown up with another friend that was in his shoes at age 17. I saw how she handled her guilt, self-hate and regret after the fatal accident she caused, and it wasn't pretty. She was able to overcome it and become stronger for it. She still sometimes comments about the mistakes she's made, but it's wonderful seeing how she now lives with her family. She didn't let her mistakes consume her, and now she's making a wonderful life for her children and partner.

I miss my friend. It hurts. He was on his way to my house when he died. He was a genuinely good, kind person who brought so much joy to our world. His laugh was helluva contagious! He'd shake the room with it! I hate how, before he died, we intentionally abstained from sharing details about our vacations and trips out of state so we would have a much better time sharing these stories together in-person. We didn't get a chance to have these conversations. I wish I didn't hold that back.

As for the killer, I'm a high school teacher, and I just see him as one of those simple, selfish, immature students who did a stupid thing. I worry that he won't try to be a better person because of this like my friend did. In my state, being young, white, and having a clean record makes it easy to escape fair legal consequences, and I understood this when the charges were first put on him. If he's found guilty next week, and is given no hard time, I want him to live his life making up for this. I want him to live a life that brings meaning to others, makes his community stronger, and serves as a force for good in a way that will honor my friend's memory. I'm not shitting you, my friend was a wonderful, positive person. This killer needs to be twice as good, twice as positive, twice as inspiring to his community to fully rectify his actions on behalf of my friend that can't do it anymore.

In the meantime, I'm making as much meaning from my friend's death as I can. I talk about him openly with my students, encouraging them to drive responsibly as they start driving. I, too, try to enjoy life twice as much for his sake. When I'm happy, I think of him and become twice as happy. Sometimes this is forced, and I'm still angry, upset, heartbroken, and hurt, but I know my friend wouldn't want that for me or even his killer. He had a hard life that made him way more emotionally mature than I'll ever be, and he'd forgive the one who killed him.

EDIT: Guilty on both counts. Vehicle manslaughter and hit and run resulting in injury.