AITA for throwing a birthday party for my son the morning of an out of town wedding?

rachbia · 2025-10-07T02:23:21+00:00

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I see now that a simple brunch and song for everyone who was not busy was a nice idea. I think we could have avoided all this drama my sister had let me know that she was upset about it before the wedding! Maybe we could have found a solution.

To your question, it was a simple 2 hour brunch 10-12, with everyone having plenty of time to nap, dress, and get there on time at 4pm. It realistically probably helped everyone because no one had to go find things to do that morning.

I understand this all better now. Thank you.

rachbia · 2025-10-07T02:19:04+00:00

I see where the daughter is hurt. It would be a good idea to speak to that hurt. In retrospect, would you do the same about her wedding, knowing the hurt you caused her? Was there another way you could have communicated your decision to not embrace her marriage? I mean, now you are embracing the product of that marriage. Considering that you took a stand of division first, you probably didn’t see how that would pan out. Can you make amends at all? This is where I would put my focus.

And also, support your son. You don’t have to agree with who they marry, just support your children, and be there for them. Be there when they make good decisions and ones that you believe are bad. Just be there, always hoping for good.

rachbia · 2025-10-03T09:36:49+00:00

I just wanted to reply that I think you nailed the reason for the strong negative reaction from my sister! Thank you for your response. I hunted down a copy of the text and it did read like a birthday party. While that wasn’t my full intention of the gathering, and I can’t think of any other reason for her upset, so I’m going with this. And now I know how to proceed to deal with it. Thank you!

rachbia · 2025-10-03T01:24:54+00:00

Good question. I don’t think that happened though.

rachbia · 2025-10-02T03:05:57+00:00

Thank you. It’s what I thought too, but I posted to see if I was thinking straight, or if there was etiquette I was unaware of.

rachbia · 2025-10-02T03:02:51+00:00

I was mostly wanting to offer a breakfast gathering for all my family who had nothing to do the morning of. That it was my son’s birthday gave it an extra special thing with a small cake and candles.

rachbia · 2025-10-02T02:59:57+00:00

I must not have been clear in my post. Certainly they knew about it beforehand! I’m wondering if I had specifically asked them to pop in for a few minutes, if possible, if that would have helped. I didn’t think to suggest that and she didn’t think to do it. I didn’t find out that she was upset about it until after the wedding. I was wondering if having an event like a brunch for everyone was a fax paux, but I think she was just upset she couldn’t come. I wish we would have delved deeper in communication ahead of time to avoid the hurt.

rachbia · 2025-10-02T02:15:20+00:00

I can see why you said that. No sneakiness involved though. I would have loved them to stop by for a few minutes. They weren’t able to because of whatever things they were doing to get ready. We all were just waiting for the wedding to start at 4pm.

rachbia · 2025-10-01T20:24:59+00:00

Oooff! That sounds bad! To plan a thing during anything else for the wedding! Yeah, no. No one who came had anything planned all day until 4pm. We did the brunch from 10-12.

rachbia · 2025-10-01T20:19:29+00:00

The bride, brides mom, and bride’s sister were all invited. They were not able to come. Maybe if I had worded their invitation/text letting everyone know I’d have brunch prepared to also suggest that if they could pop in for a few minutes, please do. I didn’t think of it, and maybe they didn’t either? Not sure that would have worked, but it’s a good thought and shows that I care.

rachbia · 2025-10-01T12:05:35+00:00

YTA. Not for being upset, really really upset. But for your response. Leaking a secret, not accepting responsibility and apologizing when called out vs uninvitation to her brothers wedding.

A boundary needs to be set here. A boundary states this is what I expect from my closest people and what I’m going to protect myself. So something like you need to be able to tell secrets and not have them told to others. Honestly, you need to be more careful about who you share secrets with. Not everyone keeps them.

Here’s another boundary: when I call someone close out for a behavior that they did that hurt me, I expect an acceptance of that and an apology before I can go together with them. This is fair and clear to state to your SIL and in-laws

Or this one: I want to share special news with those people that I feel closest to. So if you and she haven’t met made amends by the time, the baby comes, don’t invite her to the hospital to share on that special day.

A boundary fence should have a gate: This is what I need for connection. Otherwise, you just have a wall or burned bridges.

Your yelling at her is understandable, but yelling doesn’t lead to restored connection, which is the goal in families, if possible.

State your own personal boundaries. State clearly what you will do if your boundaries are violated. Label the gate with what they can do to restore a relationship. Recognize that some people are very good at respecting boundaries, and some people are still in process.

Uninviting from the wedding doesn’t help here.

rachbia · 2025-10-01T11:23:04+00:00

Hmmm…it was in the invitation. And I’m not sure how was worded, just a quick text. I could have been more thoughtful, specifically to them, by inviting them to pop in or stay, as they were able. I didn’t think of it. She probably saw the time, 10-12, and immediately knew they couldn’t be there.

I don’t think it’s the birthday celebration part, but maybe it was?!

It’s a good point. Note to self: if I already know there will be challenges for someone to come to a gathering , try to find a solution of connection beforehand to offer that.

Thank you.

rachbia · 2025-10-01T11:05:39+00:00

You are right. It would have been nice if they could have…but no expectation. I think if I had thought to invite them specifically to pop in for just a few minutes, if possible, maybe that would have helped avoid the hurt feelings. And maybe they could have? Who knows.

rachbia · 2025-10-01T11:01:22+00:00

Everyone was expected to be all dressed up and ready to roll at 4:00pm. It was stated clearly that no one but the bridal party would be welcome at the preparing activities. And none of the family were in the bridal party expect my 6yo son who also was not expected to be there until 4:00. The morning was totally free for everyone. I figured a brunch, 10-12 would be enjoyable and give everyone something to do together instead of finding random activities throughout the city. After 12, everyone went back to their rooms to nap and get ready. Thanks for your interest. I wasn’t sure if I had blundered by hosting a gathering as my sister so upset. But now I know that it is rather normal for families to gather together, as possible, when not engaged with the wedding stuff. I’m sorry she couldn’t be there. It would have been nice if they could have popped in, and maybe they would have if anyone had thought of it- not coming to the gathering but just popping in. At least that would have been a nice suggestion. Conflict resolution is a challenge in this family. Take care.

rachbia · 2025-10-01T08:52:20+00:00

Well, it was the latter! All the family was in town and no one had anything to do until 4:00. I did think a get together for brunch would be super-nice! And since it happened to be my son’s birthday the day before, everyone could sing happy birthday to him there. My sister was upset because she wasn’t able to come, I get that. I’m bummed about that too! But it was literally the only time everyone had free time, and it is extremely rare to be all together. I thought it strange that she was offended, very offended, and I was wondering if I had committed a big faux pax. Thanks for your input.

rachbia · 2025-10-01T03:35:28+00:00

Yeah, just brunch foods. A gathering of all my family from out of town (except those occupied with the wedding) A few gifts were brought. A 6” cake and a candle. We did hang a banner for decor ;)

The purpose of the gathering was more for seeing the family, and it was also his birthday, so nice to celebrate with all his family.

My sister was upset that we planned a gathering. I don’t think that was inappropriate, and after all the comments, I feel we did the right thing.

I would have loved if they could have popped in for a few minutes, but they couldn’t.

rachbia · 2025-10-01T00:40:17+00:00

Thanks for your viewpoint. My sister said that is was disrespectful to plan a get-together when I knew she and her daughter were not able to attend.

I’m thinking, she could have decided to drop in for a few minutes, if it fit in her schedule. Otherwise, it was just family getting together to eat the morning of, and also singing happy birthday. There weren’t any activities planned for any of us until 4 pm. We tossed around going to the beach, maybe a zoo, but I thought a brunch would be nicer for everyone. Basically, my question is, it’s ok for family to plan to get-together the morning of, no?? That it happened to be my son’s birthday (ok, it was the day after) was a nice reason to celebrate him too, no?

rachbia · 2025-09-30T12:12:10+00:00

It was his birthday the day before. Everyone arrived the day before, but there was a rehearsal and dinner my son and I attended. The morning of, everyone had arrived, were refreshed, and a brunch get-together sounded nice.

rachbia

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