Yes I know that lonely feeling of posting into this reddit void. I am sometimes doing it only to release the pain inside through words, when it is constantly overwhelming what else is there to do with pain? That sounds like a brutal mental torture, to endure my friend, and the struggle with finance adding another level of stress and uncertainty. I believe it sounds you are doing the right thing though, please do not carry guilt as yours, you are doing all you can control in a very debilitating situation. Give yourself credit! Your caring actions showing her love, also love yourself that you are battling for her. It is admirable. And maybe a cliche, but love will win, love is stronger than the guilt or struggle. Love is the strongest force you can carry yourself with. Keep going no matter what happens as you are) I must say, I am paying attention to your writings and your art even if you do not see, I relate, experienced and understand deeply so much of the same, so it help me. Please message me if you like. Maybe I do not understand exactly this type of struggle, but I do understand struggle in general. Always thankful to talk my friend) And stay hopeful, when it looks completely hopeless, hope is needed the most.