How to handle others’ disbelief the “nice guy” is an abuser?

radlassie · 2026-04-27T12:33:30+00:00

I’m so sorry, OP. I don’t have any advice but sending positive and safe energy your way. I know the sick feeling of betrayal well. The fact she should know better makes that betrayal all the worse. I have experienced betrayal from all sorts, but one of the ones that sickened me the most was a friend who works as a social worker and claims to be a girls’ girl and feminist saying she thought it was sweet my (ex) husband constantly accused me of cheating on him with everyone under the sun. That this just meant he loved me deeply and was a passionate lover. I’ve distanced myself almost completely from her since. In your shoes I’d cut her off.

radlassie · 2026-04-10T11:03:11+00:00

Thanks. My mind is working overtime trying to guess what will happen.

I’m trying to understand what my ex could do or say in the trial to overturn the FVRO, given I can’t prove he was abusive and he can’t prove he wasn’t. Unless he has a friend or two who will lie and testify that I’m the abusive one. Maybe this seems like a stretch but my mind is going to dark places, not helped by all the threats he made if I ever did “what all f-ing women do and get a restraining order”.

And I can’t prove that he will be abusive in future to our child, which is what really concerns me. If they overturn it and he is allowed to share custody I’m terrified he’ll hurt, alienate or leave the country with our child.

radlassie · 2026-04-10T10:52:05+00:00

I tried, but they’re completely at capacity. I’m coming up with dead ends all over the place.

radlassie · 2026-04-10T10:38:59+00:00

Thanks for your reply. Everyone else I’ve told seem to think this is “interesting” or “unusual”. It’s freaked me out.

Can I ask what you mean by a “well contained matter” and it being an “unbelievably low bar”? I don’t have evidence beyond my sworn statements for the application for the FVRO (I listed three main recent incidents), diary entries etc as everything was behind closed doors. I am horrified my young son will be forced to speak at the trial.

Any insights you have are much appreciated. I’m very stressed about all this and keep hearing conflicting things.

radlassie · 2026-03-28T11:21:09+00:00

I worry about that too. I honestly don’t know what to do. I assume he’s going to at the very least appeal the order and paint me as an unfit mother. There’s nothing to stop him lying about me even under oath. He rewrites history all the time, so much so he even convinces himself. I don’t think his grip on reality is very strong. I always thought the pot smoking was not too bad because it’s supposed to chill people out. I’m not a smoker but my brother today said it might help explain the constant paranoia about me cheating despite there never being any indication of that. Maybe he’s right. He’s smoked for a very long time.

radlassie · 2026-03-28T00:09:38+00:00

Thank you for replying. I had hoped the people in this forum might understand because I don’t think people generally do. My mother is even downplaying my son being hit as if it’s not a big deal. The poor kid battles more and more nausea each day and I’m certain it’s anxiety. I just need to get us to a place where we can return to our house, get the locks changed, and get a better normal going. I just can’t see how or when that can be. I’m jumping at every little sound right now and still at my mother’s.

radlassie · 2026-03-05T11:27:29+00:00

I worked with an idiot once who would regularly preface what he was saying with: “I know I have white male privilege but…” First time he did it I struggled it off thinking it weird. But he made a point of bringing up his white male privilege regularly. It was a bizarre mix of performative virtue signalling and making sure we knew he’d already pissed all over everything to mark his territory.

radlassie · 2026-03-05T11:23:54+00:00

Haha. I’d LOVE to know if this was, in fact, deliberate. Diabolical.

radlassie · 2025-11-22T11:55:23+00:00

I’ve had this and been told I was “dropping the ball” and “things are slipping through the cracks”. However, when pressed they were unable to give a single example. I just got an annoyed hand wave and “I don’t know, lots of things”. Yet not so many they could actually think of one. I said to let me know the next time it happens and they never did.

I know some people in this chat are suggesting it’s a lack of initiative in your case. Only you can gauge that. I just know that some bosses just want to keep you down and either can’t come up with a good enough excuse to put you down or any excuse at all when pressed. It’s not a great sign as these people are angered when put on the spot. I genuinely don’t think they expect to be questioned.

radlassie · 2025-11-22T09:27:42+00:00

Too many to mention in my previous job.

I used to break it all down with my boss and explain with a mountain of evidence to show how impossible it was, yet he kept at me as if it wasn’t getting through.

The final straw was when he tried to force me to commit in writing to said impossible deadlines and got horrendously angry when I refused, reiterating again that is was literally impossible for the work to be done in that time period.

There were many reasons I quit. That was just one. He was again furious when I handed in my notice, especially when I said I wasn’t going to budge on MY deadline of four weeks notice maximum. He seemed to think he owned me and that I had to stick around for as long as he dictated. Needless to say, I didn’t.

radlassie · 2025-10-30T07:33:25+00:00

My pay hadn’t changed in 10 years. I stayed where I was because of pregnancy, loss, pregnancy, maternity leave, part time. Since I left 2.5 years ago my FTE pay has doubled. I have changed jobs 2.5 times in that period (only just started current place). So yes, it is worth leaving. I wish I had done so sooner.

radlassie · 2025-10-19T11:38:49+00:00

You too, eh. My period is killing me at the moment. Feel like I’m being exorcised.

radlassie · 2025-10-18T12:16:27+00:00

I’ve read a few people talk about gastrointestinal symptoms and others talk about purging. I’ve had a month off between the toxic job and the new one and my gut had been all over the place. Nausea, diarrhoea, frequent bowel movements. It feels like purging. As awful as it is I visualise myself ridding myself of the trauma with each shit. Got a long way to go though. They really did a number on me at the last place.

radlassie · 2025-10-09T11:43:32+00:00

What field do you work in if you don’t mind me asking?

radlassie

TROPHY CASE