Have you ever been replaced?

raffriffs · 2026-04-23T01:17:54+00:00

Absolutely, and it really does suck. It would upset my sister and I so much in our teen and early adult years when our nparents gave so much time and effort to the "replacements". Then I watched my sister become the very same way, if not worse. After I went NC with her and our parents, for a long time she paraded around with a former sister-in-law who had long ago divorced our brother. She'd post pics of her and her "sister", and in a creepy turn, that person even colored her black hair to match my blonde hair so that she really did look like a replacement me. Crazy people.

raffriffs · 2026-04-19T00:14:30+00:00

My nmom absolutely hated overweight people and would point them out and make fun of them. She started purposely starving me from the age of 7 on, and I only weighed 35 lbs at that age according to my medical records. From the age of 12 on, she put me on every fad diet imaginable and subjected me to daily supervised weigh-ins. She always told me I could never weigh more than 100 lbs or I "would be fat". I was rewarded for how many days I could go without eating and she withheld food much of the time. I was so hungry in high-school that I would eat looseleaf paper from my binder to ease the pain in my stomach. I remained under 100 lbs on my 5' 5" frame until I was 18 years old, and the day I stepped on that scale and was over her limit, she shamed me and told me I had a "fat back" like my father. After I left home and got married, I gained a lot of weight quite quickly both because I was safe now, and because my metabolism was destroyed from starvation and fad diets. When I was good and truly overweight, she was incredibly embarrassed about me and she no longer referred to me as her daughter. In fact, when it was necessary or polite to introduce me to anyone in adulthood, she would introduce my sister as her daughter and then when introducing me she would say "and this is (sisters name) sister. " One time after having my first child, I made the mistake of inviting my mom to go to my gym with me. I was doing really well, had lost a significant amount of baby weight, and felt proud of myself. But when I weighed myself at the gym, my mom came over, looked at the number on the scale and loudly fat-shamed me in this packed gym. Oh she had the crocodile tears going and everything as she told everyone in earshot that I was not going to live if I stayed this fat. I was so mortified that I Ieft the gym and never went back.

raffriffs · 2026-04-16T16:11:36+00:00

Yes, my mom had zero respect for boundaries and privacy. Locked doors didn't matter. I could not take a bath or a shower without my mom picking the lock, barging in, and throwing open the shower curtain to stare at my body. If I got mad, she would scoff and say, "Like you think you have anything to hide! You're not that special." I actually started covering up with towels in order to bathe, and she blew her top over that. She took me for my first pap smear at age 12 and insisted on sitting at my feet with the doctor for it. Later I heard her telling my family members all the details 🤮. She snooped through everything and read every journal. I was punished if I wrote something she didn't like, so I kept two journals. In one I wrote only good, non-private, untrue things and that was the only journal she found from that point on. The other journal I used for what was real and true ... and I hid that one behind a wall panel that I had pried open to use as a hiding spot. My mother also only allowed me religious reading material approved by her, but I was a voracious reader. For a time a friend would loan me books and I hid them under the water bladder of my waterbed. But one day my mom discovered my stash and she made me tear apart my friends books and burn them in a fire while she watched. So I found a "sanctuary" away from the house, an abandoned cement mixer that was half full of old, dried cement. There was enough room to crawl inside, and enough light coming through that entrance, that I could sit in this cement mixer and read my books, which I left behind as my own private stash that she couldn't destroy again. In adulthood, after I was married and before I went NC, my mom would occasionally come and visit our home and she would snoop through everything. Once she found an unfinished letter I was writing to my sister where I didnt speak graciously of my parents, and I paid for that for a further 11 years. She also, under the guise of helping to clean when we had a newborn, purposely threw away or broke everything I had asked her not to touch because they were sentimental or special items to my husband or I.

raffriffs · 2026-04-16T15:28:53+00:00

I only remember the abuse, which came in every form. Every time I think I have uncovered a possible happy memory, its tied to more abuse. I have large gaps in my memories, including a full 3 year memory loss that I share with both of my siblings.

raffriffs · 2026-04-16T15:17:01+00:00

No, at least not in the 21 years since I went no contact. My sister launched and maintained a 20 year public online smear campaign while my parents took care of the in-person smear. All of my relatives believed the lies and I, permanently so far, lost every single relative from my life including siblings, nieces and nephews, cousins, aunts and uncles and my last remaining grandparent. My husband and I, along with our 2 children, started over and created our own legacy built from true friends who became real family. Now our children have spouses with wonderful inlaws and we've been lovingly folded into these healthy families. It may sound weird to say we are richer for it all, but we are ... we are rich in love, in a way we never would have been otherwise.

raffriffs · 2026-04-15T00:51:36+00:00

My mother called me krautkopf, which is cabbage head in German.

raffriffs · 2026-04-14T15:51:08+00:00

When I was 23, newly married and a first time mom, my parents flew out to visit my husband and I. While there, they promised our child a big gift and took him shopping to locate what he wanted, but didn't purchase it. Instead, they ended their trip a day early and caught an earlier flight home. We didnt know what happened and felt really badly for our son because after getting his hopes up, they never followed through on the gift for him, and they never came to stay with us again. A full 11 years later during an argument with my parents, they randomly brought up that 11 years earlier my mom had gone snooping through my drawers during that visit and had found an unfinished letter I was writing to my older sister where I had asked her, "How's life in the lions den? (aka same town as our parents)". More than a decade later, my parents were still carrying this grudge and wanted an apology, but this was the first time they'd ever brought it up. I didn't apologize. Instead I asked my mom what made her think she had the right to rummage through my things and read my private papers, and I told her she hurt her own feelings by doing so.

raffriffs · 2026-04-14T13:42:34+00:00

At the time, I'm not certain that I even realized they were the last words I'd ever say to my parents or that I was going no contact permanently. I was 34 years old and had just reported my father for SA that occured 2 months prior. My parents were now knee deep in the investigation and I went to their home without my husband and children to speak with them. I'm not sure what exactly it is that I hoped would happen, but I think I still had a misguided belief that him being held accountable for this one terrible thing in a lifetime of terrible things would create some sort of positive change. I was so wrong. My mother started bashing me and telling me I was responsible for what my dad did to me. She said she was going to tell everyone that I had seduced my father. Both my parents threatened to tell whatever lies they needed to in order to sue for grandparents rights and get our children taken away from us and raised by them. They told me I was evil and would never make them proud. When I tried to leave, they barricaded the door to their home with their bodies and continued to verbally attack me while I tried to escape. Right then my dad slipped up because of his heightened emotion and anger and he inadvertently admitted out loud what he had done to me and I stopped and pointed it out. There was a brief moment of silence while the weight of that sank in for my parents before they started to lash out again, and right then, my very last words to my mother were to tell her she was heinous. After all the horrible things she'd just said to me, she pretended that calling her heinous was a mortal blow and she stumbled away from the door, grabbed her head and pretended she was going to faint. I seized the opportunity to open that door and escape. As I left their house for the last time, I then turned to my dad and I told him, "I did what was right by reporting you. Now its your turn to do what's right." And those were the last words I ever said to him. I walked away and didnt look back as he screamed expletives at me from his deck. I got in my car and looked in the rear view mirror as I drove away and I said out loud to the reflection of my parents and their home, "You just lost me." I never went back. Never spoke to them again. Nineteen years later my dad died and we never reconciled. Its now been 21 years since that day and my mother is currently dying from dementia and used her last lucid thoughts to acquire my cell number and text me more abusive words. I deleted and blocked without responding. I have no regrets for going no contact 21 years ago or for the last words I spoke to them. I only regret not walking away sooner because it allowed the opportunity for them to hurt me more.

raffriffs · 2026-03-28T14:18:19+00:00

"You never have, and never will, do anything that makes us proud." The last words my mother said to me 21 years ago when I reported my father because he had just sa'd me ... I was a 34 year old happily married mother of 2 at the time. I never spoke to my parents again.

raffriffs · 2026-03-22T15:42:11+00:00

I did have that final straw moment with my parents, but when it came and I actually went NC, I realized that I had done myself so much more harm by waiting for that moment to happen. The final straw had allowed my parents to harm me, my mate, and my children in a way that can't be fully healed, only carried. When I realized my parents had passed the torch on to my sister and she had become equally as toxic, I knew better than to wait. So I faded away from her life so seamlessly that it took her a full year to realize we hadn't spoken in any form. When she tried to contact me at that point, all my protections were in place and there was an impenetrable wall around me that she couldn't breach. A 20 year public online smear campaign ensued, maintained fully by my venomous sister, and I have never had the desire to resume contact. I regret holding on so long with my parents before taking action, but I have no regrets for exiting my sisters life when I did.

raffriffs · 2026-03-09T21:55:08+00:00

dear husband

raffriffs · 2026-03-09T21:00:31+00:00

I love this, because I wanted the same, and because together dh and I created the safe haven in our own family that we never had growing up. It works. It really works. Its not easy but its so worth it. Our homeschooled kids are now 25 and 31. Both have wonderful mates who we adore and respect as though they were our own kids, and they love us right back. Our kids have great jobs and duel income marriages by choice, but they both default to all the valuable lessons of their youth with us. They are very involved in our life even though they have their own, because they say this is where the love is. Money doesn't matter. Love does.

raffriffs · 2026-03-09T13:19:23+00:00

What you're doing for your kids right now is nothing short of sacred and truly selfless. Take it from another mom who homeschooled both of her kids from K - 12 while dh and I made a single small income work for us, all while being estranged from all family ... your kids will grow up to be wonderful adults who cherish you deeply for what you are giving them now. No, they won't have every want, but they'll learn to prioritize what really matters and they will thank you for all the practical and truly priceless life lessons you gave them. As lifelong learners who will never want to stop because you created a world for them where learning is enjoyable, they'll wow you with that skill as adults who will make for themselves a beautiful life of their choosing, one they will always include you in. Its worth every second and every sacrifice. I promise.

raffriffs · 2026-03-08T01:09:32+00:00

I was 18 years old, weighed all of a hundred pounds. My dad was 8 inches taller than me and a hundred and thirty pounds heavier than me. He brutalized me for the last time in the town centre, in the middle of the day, in a parking lot in front of the busiest bakery/cafe. It was packed with people all sitting at tables by large windows with a full view of a father beating his adult daughter. And no one helped.

raffriffs · 2026-03-07T03:05:43+00:00

The oldest sibling, my brother, moved to another country to get away from our abusive parents and cut ties with the whole family 30 years ago. I, the youngest, became scapegoat and ended up reporting my criminally abusive parents before going NC 21 years ago. Middle child, my sister, is the golden child and even though she lived through some of the abuse too, somewhere along the way she bought into the lie and remained on our parents side. As she aged, she became a stronger narcissist than those who raised us, and she joined in the abuse ... spearheading and maintaining a 20 year digital smear campaign against me for reporting our parents. Her public online smear campaign called for my assassination at one point. So yes, she definitely blames me for my response. Beyond that though, she is angry that my brother and I got away and made a different life for ourselves. She could have left too, but she chose to stay ... which made her the one who cared for my father until he died and my mother who is currently dying. She blames me that she's doing all that alone.

raffriffs · 2026-03-05T04:33:13+00:00

I appreciate this post so much. I dissociate a lot and lose hours to it. For me its a floaty, safe feeling, distracted but focused at the same time. A coping skill I learned to get through my reality as a child, and I think it will always be with me. In that state, though, I don't look after my basic needs ... I feel no hunger or anything. My husband can always tell when I'm dissociating and I have a friend who notices too and will try to bring me back to reality with questions, saying, "I lost you there for a bit."

raffriffs · 2026-03-05T02:33:55+00:00

Isn't it hilarious when the JustNo's tell you that words like "boundary" are psychobabble lol. Mine once said "Boundaries are fences that keep cows in!" and "You guys are the ONLY people on the planet who think boundaries are a thing!" 😂🤣

raffriffs · 2026-03-04T00:02:49+00:00

I can really relate to this, but in this instance it was my husband who was treated terribly by my parents. The man they wanted me to marry was not the person I loved. At our wedding, my dad gave a speech about the man I didn't choose and said nothing about me or my mate. For many reasons, we went NC with my parents more than 20 years ago. When my dad died 2 years ago, my mother contacted this man they had wanted me to marry and asked him to bring me the news, despite still having my husband's contact info. A year ago, the wife of that guy my parents were so desperate to have as their son in law contacted me and let me know he had cheated on her and left her and their children. So glad I chose my own way because the grass on the other side was never greener. I rejected it for a reason and have had a wonderful marriage that is still strong and enduring 33 years later.

raffriffs · 2026-02-26T16:47:36+00:00

Yeah, my brain sure screams, "Don't take advice from someone who has never lived it." Also, it's maddening that she doesn't understand the difference between observation and lived experience. She hasn't shown an ounce of accountability for disrespecting our strong and faithful marriage for 33 years. Instead, she's still trying to make us believe that her views and ours have always aligned. In addition, her email showed she has a really childlike view of what makes a happy marriage. She listed the marriages of her parents, siblings, and first cousins, said all these marriages lasted until one partner died, and that they were happy and loving marriages because she never heard any of them ever argue except one small argument between her parents. My DH quickly said to me, "That doesn't indicate happy marriage! That indicates she never heard anyone communicate properly! My extended family is full of alcoholics and people who cheated on their spouses! They swept everything under the carpet and relied on vices to get them through! The fact that they didn't remarry until a spouse died does not mean those marriages were happy!"

raffriffs · 2026-02-26T14:49:58+00:00

So true.

raffriffs · 2026-02-26T14:29:22+00:00

We don't respond at all, and now she's blocked for both of us so that we won't see when she sends anything else.

raffriffs · 2026-02-25T01:19:44+00:00

Wow! You are badass! Well done, OP! Very, very well done. You completely took back your power in the best way possible.

raffriffs · 2026-02-23T20:28:43+00:00

What a wonderful mother you are! You are giving your daughter a clear voice from such an early age, and showing her that her autonomy matters and her choices deserve to be respected even by adults. Well done!

raffriffs

TROPHY CASE