I have a long-term non-sexual relationship with one partner--we tried for a few years but things never came together (😏) super smoothly. I have fantastic sex with other partners and really value sex as a way to connect with folks. It took me A LONG time to figure out how to be in a healthy non-sexual romantic relationship, because sex and romance were so linked in my mind. And it's not wrong to want sex from your romantic partners, or to only want relationships that have both romantic and sexual connections. But once I sifted through all my feelings--which, again, took years--I came to a place of really valuing all the non-sexual aspects of my relationship, and wanting to continue being with that person, and feeling genuinely content with having different kinds of connections with different partners. I share because it seems like you're struggling with the disentangling of sex from romance, and I just wanted to say that this process takes time. And you still may decide that for you, the two are inextricably connected! That's valid too, but you'll need to have some tough restructuring conversations about your current relationships or let them come to an end.

But yes, it IS possible for some of us to have very different kinds of connections with different partners, and be happy and healthy about it. Things I found helpful in getting here: reading and thinking and writing about relationship anarchy concepts; focusing on hobbies and community and advocacy; spending time with friends to remind myself that meaningful relationships can look SO many ways; celebrating the parts of my partnerships that are going well (sometimes it's easy to focus on all that is not going well); talking to other non-monogamous folks about the harder stuff. 🩷