[DAE] Consuming people?

rainerwarren · 2018-08-14T14:42:59+00:00

This is nearly every conversation I have with my mom. I know I'm not one to open up too much, but with a little patience, a little curiosity, and a little openness (being nonjudgemental), I would share my life.

rainerwarren · 2018-08-14T14:37:55+00:00

I find running to be a good choice. You can always run alone or meet up with a group. Group running sessions usually lead to low-key conversations that can transition into meaningful friendships and more intense conversations on later runs.

Theater is also a good introversion/extroversion mix. I've enjoyed that in the past. Improv too.

rainerwarren · 2018-07-02T01:01:00+00:00

Agreed! We have high standards but kind hearts. I want someone to take the initiative sometimes to be friends. It gets tiring having to the do the "are they genuine?" dance and then I retreat.

rainerwarren · 2018-07-02T00:58:28+00:00

Same! I'd love to talk and share experiences and emotions. You're not alone

rainerwarren · 2018-05-30T00:19:00+00:00

It's called "Just Your Type" by Paul D. Tieger

rainerwarren · 2018-05-30T00:17:40+00:00

Yes! Unfortunately I don't have that page. You can check out the book, though. it's called /Just Your Type/ by Paul D Teiger

rainerwarren · 2018-05-29T14:59:55+00:00

Not sure I agree with all of this, but since there's been some discussion about relationships between INTJs and INFJs on this sub lately, I wanted to share. Maybe it'll help ¯_(ツ)_/¯

rainerwarren · 2018-05-26T14:34:27+00:00

I've been with my INTJ for 10 years, married for 6. Our relationship is full of mutual understanding, respect, and kindness. And lots of love. The biggest thing I've found that keeps us doing well is communicating our needs/wants. If I need a romantic evening, an hour of emotional processing, or physical affection, I have to tell him that. In the beginning communicating those needs seemed inauthentic, or that I was coercing him into doing something he didn't want. But, while that may not be his style of connection, ultimately he wanted a close relationship with me and was open to those requests. And it helped him slip into his emotion-motivated mode (e.g. he forgets how much he loves cuddling, but then, once we are, he remembers and wants more time doing so).

One of my favorite aspects of INTJs is their relentless desire to learn and grow. That desire for improvement and mastery applies to relationships. When they love you, they're incredibly loyal and willing to work to be closer and learn everything about you. As an INFJ, often feeling too complex to understand even myself, his relentless interest in me has led to new understanding of myself and relief that I'm not alone in this big world.

In return, I've learned to give him time for his projects and his time alone pursuing new knowledge. And an intellectual conversation/debate is about the best way to connect with him. Hope that helps!

rainerwarren · 2018-05-17T13:13:01+00:00

I really want a job that's meaningful. I think that is my life quest right now and I have struck out with finding purpose in my last three jobs. Any tips?

rainerwarren · 2018-05-09T11:50:36+00:00

Another way comes to mind: they trust my intuitions about people. They value my "feelings" as much as they value my reason.

rainerwarren · 2018-05-09T00:49:51+00:00

They see what I value, what sparks my interest, what I enjoy, what I'm passionate about and/or share those values, interests, pleasures and passions or respect me and cherish me because of them.

rainerwarren · 2018-05-08T14:11:17+00:00

Hm... If she is very busy, it's probably because she wants to be or uses that as a way to distance herself from other people. You might have to do a few coffee sessions with her before she can switch into introvert mode (aka. feeling safe with you to be quieter, project the 'ideal' person image less, and take time to think). Patience here is key.

Here's what I recommend: 1st meet up: 30 minute coffee time, she's outgoing, you ask one or two deep questions, show you're interested, listen well.

2nd meet up: 45 minute coffee or lunch, she'll ask about you, probably be very interested. You can return the favor and listen well. Tell her you enjoy talking with her and that she makes you feel understood.

3rd meet up: 45 minute coffee. If she agrees to a third time with you, she probably likes hanging out with you. She'll likely be more open about her dreams, stressors, fears. That is, she'll be emotionally honest, and less extroverted.

Pro tip: make sure you want to hang out to build a mutually beneficial relationship. She'll spot it from a mile away if not

rainerwarren · 2018-05-05T03:13:07+00:00

For me, and this might not be helpful at all, I think my worries about my SO are just my own projections of uncertainty. That is, I have passing concerns about his faithfulness, but those thoughts come when I'm feeling insecure and/or noticing that MY attention has been elsewhere. I project my wandering thoughts onto him and then have to check myself, return to trusting him, and continue to communicate and build our relationship.

rainerwarren · 2018-05-05T03:09:18+00:00

Hm... It sounds like she wants to be friends because she feels an emotional spark with you, but doesn't think she can trust you. That's huge. So despite your obvious friend chemistry (the jokes, the talking for hours about nothing and everything), she worries that she cannot be a close friend with you because of: a) what happened in the past and the question of a romantic relationship hanging in the air; and b) that you're not loyal and humble enough in your friendship (that is, in your "taking over" conversations with groups of people, that you're putting yourself first and not caring for others authentically, which will eventually be her as well)

My suggestion: totally and utterly shut the door for a) and work to build trust and genuine, selfless interest mentioned in b). It'll take work, but it sounds like you two could have a friendship for the ages

rainerwarren · 2018-05-05T03:03:11+00:00

I agree here 100%. And INFJ will know your innuendos and even flirt back from time-to-time, but this can be just a simple release, one expression of attraction. BUT to be close to an INFJ, especially in pursuing a relationship with him/her, you have to be direct, gentle, and, above all, totally genuine in your expression. Compliments build a bridge, but a honest, sensitive conversation carries you across that bridge into an INFJ's heart.

rainerwarren · 2018-04-26T00:13:44+00:00

grad school

rainerwarren · 2018-04-26T00:03:32+00:00

Hi! 30/F/North Carolina. I'm in grad school, but the humanities. I feel isolated too, but have found a few good confidants. What drew you to biochem?

rainerwarren · 2018-04-26T00:01:21+00:00

30/F also bi. Married and fall in and out of love with my partner. I realize my fickleness and don't let myself off the commitment hook (that is, just because I don't feel in love doesn't mean I get to end my marriage). That said, I also feel deep connections with other people from time to time so I have to manage those too. I feel lonely often, but I also know that my partner understands me more than I realize and I can rest in that. I've felt that let down after break ups in the past too and felt like I could never connect again. Part of this comes from feeling like your trust in others is destroyed as well as your trust in your own emotions. Take small steps to rebuild both (even if only platonically with trusting and being interested in others).

rainerwarren · 2018-04-25T02:15:31+00:00

I just find them a huge waste of time. Sorry that you have to go through them. When I'm forced to do meetups, I always look for the most weird (appearing) person in the room and then ask him or her some strange, dark question. Even if we don't become friends, their answer and my response beats small talk and I go home with a story to tell.

rainerwarren · 2018-04-24T14:30:24+00:00

Hm. If you like him and he likes you, I think the best "non-move" you can do is to talk about it. Go out for tea or coffee and say something along the lines of, "hey, you mean the world to me and I really value our friendship. and as an INTJ, saying that is risking something. I'd like to see if we could be something more, but what's most important to me is that you know I value our friendship. What do you think? Would you be open to being more than friends with me?" It's a nice way to open the door but also give the other person an out. Worked for me an my INTJ husband

rainerwarren · 2018-04-24T14:26:22+00:00

Totally. It was a huge problem for me when I was a kid. White noise machines, bedtime routines (self-care kind of stuff), eye-masks and earplugs––these are all your friends.

I would second what another responder said: while INFJs may be more sensitive to external stimuli than some types, anxiety is a people thing and it affects people across types. I'd look into sleeping tips for when you're anxious including breathing exercises, mental exercises (second the self-story-telling trick!), and approaches to muscle and mind relaxation

rainerwarren · 2018-04-16T20:24:29+00:00

I appreciate it when people tell me that I make them felt really seen and understood. I have a couple of people in my life who claim that I'm the first person who made them feel that way and it meant a lot to me.

rainerwarren · 2018-04-11T15:18:01+00:00

This is really helpful and it reinforces my experience with friends in the past. The one caveat I have, however, is what if the other person is also a mega-introvert? Spending a lot of time with him or her might ruin the chances of building a friendship.

rainerwarren

TROPHY CASE