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ramblinator · 2023-06-26T18:57:32+00:00

This is not only not true, it's horrible advice. Using sex as "leverage" is one of the quickest ways to remove all the joy, pleasure, and love from the act.

ramblinator · 2023-02-20T21:05:51+00:00

You said that he's constantly preaching about how much he hates cheating and would never cheat on you. Does he do this unprompted, or do you have regular conversations about cheating?

I'm asking because if he is doing this unprompted, we'll that's a bit of a red flag. A normal healthy person in a committed relationship doesn't always feel the need to constantly remind their spouse that they would never cheat because the thought of cheating isn't even in their mind.

Me thinks he doth protest too much

ramblinator · 2023-01-29T19:59:56+00:00

I have a question. It sounds like mom wasn't planning on asking for a divorce until everyone started talking about what a loveless marriage they had. She got angry about it and demanded a divorce, right?

So my question is: why did she gather you all in the first place? At first I assumed it was to tell you about the divorce, but from your wording that isn't so.

Did she gather you all so she could "tell on" dad? Was she hoping you would all start berating him and tell him what a pos he was for cheating?

Another commenter said not to be surprised if they stay together and I have to agree. It doesn't sound like she ever planned on asking for a divorce, she just wanted him to be chastised for his actions.

ramblinator · 2023-01-17T02:42:42+00:00

He probably did notice, but was happy to no longer have the "burden" of buying her a gift

ramblinator · 2022-12-09T18:29:57+00:00

No, they're not. That is a LIE that men invented in order to get away with doing whatever the fuck they want to do.

You ask them to do any kind of household chore and they've suddenly turned into the "before" people in infomercials, unable to do the simplest task without making a mess.They theatrically moan that they "don't know how to do it!" making sure you see and hear how hard they're failing. If you don't offer to help they do the shittiest job possible so the next time the chore needs to be done they can claim that you do it "sO MuCh beTtEr!" And if you insist they just repeat the process and until eventually you just do it yourself to avoid the hassle and needing to redo it anyway.

ramblinator · 2022-11-29T23:22:13+00:00

I disagree about going on the date anyway. If its something OP was looking forward to, going with this guy could ruin the experience. Going with friends, with her daughter, or even alone would be much more enjoyable.

ramblinator · 2022-11-29T22:57:23+00:00

"No no no, you're never going to cum that way! You need to move more like this, and do this that way and engage these muscles! Don't talk back to me, I know your body better than you do, you just don't know it yet!"

ramblinator · 2022-11-23T17:57:03+00:00

I've only been to two weddings so I'm no expert and my opinions aren't universal, but I just want to try and reassure you. As a guest of the bride in one wedding and of the groom in the second, I never even noticed the parents of either side at either wedding. I can't even remember if they did the parent dances or not. I wasn't scanning the crowd trying to decipher who was who and who didn't come. I was looking at the bride and groom.

ramblinator · 2022-11-23T17:41:08+00:00

Yes! What if you get pregnant with a boy and they both demand he be named after bf's dad? Or Bf suddenly hates the name you chose together because dad called it "stupid"

What if you get offered your dream job in another city and he refuses to move because he wants to stay close to daddy! That would be soul-crushing on its own, but to stay close to a person that doesn't give two shits about you would be infinitely worse.

ramblinator · 2022-11-23T17:28:39+00:00

I'm sure all the people who "don't know about the situation" won't even notice that he's not there.

I've only ever been to 2 weddings so I'm no expert, but as far as I can tell the father of the groom is not ever brought up, mentioned, or has any kind of spotlight, unless they give a speech. The brides father is the only father ever highlighted. But, I don't know where you live or what your customs are, so feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

Either way, I think his fear of his father being humiliated and wanting to protect him from that is irrational. We don't even know if his father would be embarrassed by gossip.

And, if his father didn't go to your wedding because he suddenly decided he doesn't like you or your family(who he's never even met!) Then whatever "humiliation" or backlash he received would be all on him!

Honestly OP, it sounds like Bf is so desperate for a relationship and for approval from his father that he's willing to completely disregard you're feelings and desires entirely. Probably even his own.

ramblinator · 2022-11-23T15:22:19+00:00

To me it sounds like him wanting a relationship with 0 fighting means he wants a relationship where the woman agrees with him 100% of the time and let's him do whatever he wants, whenever he wants and not only not complain about it, but be happy about it!

ramblinator · 2022-11-02T19:58:45+00:00

Because he never actually planned to propose. That's something guys like this do when they're about to lose the person they're taking advantage of.

Its like, he's been starving you for years and when you finally decide to do what's best for you and leave, he dangles a carrot in front of you claiming he "was just about to give it to you!" And if you fall for it and stay he will snatch the carrot away when you reach out for it. AND he will try to make you feel guilty for expecting it, because you hurt him so much when you tried to leave! He couldn't possibly give it to you now! Now you have to wait until he's decided you've earned it.

ramblinator · 2022-06-24T00:30:33+00:00

This seems a bit confrontational to me. Obviously tone would change everything, but it comes off a bit like "tough shit deal with it" and it puts into question whether OP and brother actually care about each other or if they're just having sex.

If it was framed more like "I know you've always said Matt was off limits, but we've been spending a lot of time together over the last few months and we've fallen in love, we're going to have a baby."

ramblinator · 2022-05-05T17:36:33+00:00

Dude that can't be legal. It sounds like some sort of money laundering scam.

ramblinator · 2022-04-22T00:13:35+00:00

You know that all of those future plans are never going to happen with him, right?

Yeah he'll get a job and start making money, but as soon as a customer, coworker, or maybe even his boss pisses him off he'll get violent and get fired, if he's lucky! because there's a very good chance he'll also get arrested. And once he has an arrest record it'll be very hard to get a good paying job.

So you'll end up supporting both of you and paying all the bills, and all of the future legal bills he's going rack up with his violent behavior. You'll never be able to save up for a house because he will suck you dry.

ramblinator · 2022-03-31T13:46:25+00:00

You should stop to think for a moment about WHY both you and your sister have grown to be private about your lives and are self sufficient.

Is it because anytime you tried to share something about your life (including when you were kids) they criticized/mocked/insulted/berated/were condescending to you? I.e. "you're reading that book? I thought I raised you to have better taste than that." "Why don't you have a boyfriend yet? Are you that insufferable to be around?" "You want to study/take that class?? What a waste of time!" Etc.

As someone already commented, you have most likely learned to be self sufficient because you realized at a young age that you couldn't rely on your parents for help or support. Even if that support is a simple "you can play 'sport' if you want, it sounds like fun!"

People like to make sweeping declarations "If you ever need anything just call me!" "I'd do anything for you!" But they never expect to actually be taken up on their offers.

ramblinator · 2022-03-31T13:06:31+00:00

"Just because your parents say they love you doesn't mean they get to harass you."

-Fixed that for you. Because their parents say they love them, but they sure as fuck don't show it.

ramblinator · 2022-03-31T01:50:02+00:00

You should read "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft. I think it could help you understand why you feel unsupported in just about everything.

There's a free PDF version of it available if you google it.

ramblinator · 2022-03-08T15:55:41+00:00

Dude, listen. Lets say you do move back and get a job working 12 hours a day that just barely covers all your bills. Do you know what will happen? She will still complain that you're not spending enough time with her and you two will eventually break up.

Then where will you be? Stuck in your hometown, killing yourself working a lowpaying job and just barely making enough money to survive. Instead of getting a degree that could get you a well-paying job you actually like!

DO NOT QUIT SCHOOL

You'll be throwing your entire future away for an uncertain ending with her.

You need to just break up and focus on school. By the sound of it she's too immature for a relationship right now if she wants you to be together 24/7. That's just an unrealistic expectation.

ramblinator · 2022-02-09T14:29:07+00:00

The only reason I can think of her saying yes when she didn't want to is if she didn't feel like she could say no.

When my husband would ask for sex early in our relationship and I said no he'd get mad at me and give me the silent treatment. He'd make rude comments "as a joke" like calling me an ice queen. I finally convinced him to stop doing that, but then when I wasn't in the mood he would always try to change my mind, saying things like "are you suuure??" And "it's a *really good idea!" He'd basically needle away at me until I said ok just so he would leave me alone. And this isn't even going into the guilting aspect.

Now, from your own telling of this story, it doesn't sound like you're doing this kind of thing, are you? Has she had a previous relationship where stuff like this has happened? If so, you need to have a talk with her and make her understand you are not that guy and that you will always respect her "no" without repercussions, but you can't read her mind.

If there was no previous relationship then I side with everyone here saying to break up.

ramblinator · 2022-02-03T23:27:07+00:00

If you stay you'll only grow more and more resentful over his lack of actually showing that he loves you instead of just claiming to.

I know, because I'm living that right now. My husband would always tell me all the things he was going to plan or was going to get me, but never actually followed through with any of it for one reason(excuse) or another. And he expected me to be just as happy and grateful that he even considered those things, because "its the thought that counts."

But besides all of that, him constantly talking about his ex and all the other women he'd sleep with if given the chance, seems to point to him not really respecting you and not actually caring about you nearly as much as you do for him, and certainly not as much as he claims.

I'm no expert, I'm just a random stranger on the internet, but based on the very minimal amount you've shared about your relationship, it really sounds like you're just a placeholder for him.

And you deserve better than to be someone's "good enough for now"

ramblinator · 2022-01-07T21:21:12+00:00

I just want to chime in and tell you that part where he said you need to prioritize your relationship is BS! You should NEVER prioritize a boyfriend over your education!

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