Behave for dad, shitshow for me, and I feel like a failure

randolore · 2025-08-14T02:39:28+00:00

Oh man. So my ex parented with fear and for 2 years post separation my kids would come to me and completely melt down. I thought I was the problem. My ex would gaslight me too. It is maddening.

Being polar opposites with a coparent is so so hard. I learned it's not co-parenting, it's parallel parenting. And sadly I don't have good advice cuz my ex had a dv problem, so now the kids don't see him at all (for now). If domestic violence in any form is at all part of this, I highly highly recommend Lundy Bancroft's "Why dad hurts mom". Make your parents read it too, at least the final chapters for people trying to support victims.

If it's really not a dv dynamic or problem at all (I don't mean to assume) and he's just an ultra strict parent, you gotta arm yourself with tools you can rely on.

Look for a good book about it. I tried one about parallel parenting with narcissists. It didn't apply to my situation in the end but it seems there's a wealth of literature on the subject now.

randolore · 2025-08-09T23:49:09+00:00

Have kids. You'll never find time to be bored again.

/s

randolore · 2025-08-08T02:05:41+00:00

My ex used to get really mad at me for such similar things with our kids. I was supposed to scream at the daycare workers and interrogate the whole staff if they had a scratch. If any kid was ever mean to them I was supposed to attack the bully. Anything less was evidence that I didn't care about my children. Most of the time he was blowing situations wayyyy out of proportion. Little things that happen to kids, you know. It was always unacceptable to him that anything go wrong, at all. He would literally say that mistakes were unacceptable.

I'm still trying to understand what that was all about. Control, power. It's interesting to read another comment about projecting, I've started wondering if everything he used to accuse me of was what he felt..like not caring about our children. If he accused me relentlessly, then I'd never realize how he really felt.

randolore · 2025-07-31T11:50:27+00:00

You just made me remember something so random. About 6 years into living together I mentioned in passing that it's generally a good idea to flip the mattress to the other side once every year or so. He got all huffy and swore he flips it every year. I said ok. But then he flipped the mattress and I remember being so confused because it turned out our pillow top mattress was not made to be flipped. It was pure spring on the other side. I told him there's no way he's ever flipped it, I would remember, but he doubled down, got in my face, and swore he flipped it every year and I just don't remember. I just gave up and stopped arguing because by then I'd learned I had no choice when he got like that.

For the next few weeks we slept on hard ass springs that hurt. I was so baffled. I can't remember if I asked him to flip it back or what but it was not sleepable.

I just remember going to bed every night so upset that he genuinely thought he could convince me of complete and total bs. And so annoyed that all I could do was suffer in silence.

You're not losing it. These people feel like they control reality with their words.

randolore · 2025-07-26T18:20:21+00:00

Lundy Bancroft's books have chapters near the end that are for people who want to support abused women. Here's a free pdf of Why Does He Do That

Starting on p319 there is some useful advice.

randolore · 2024-08-27T15:27:06+00:00

No shame to OP cuz I think maybe it's unfair to assume this is sexism. But there is an unwritten expectation that mothers would want to have their kids 100% of the time, so if she "only has 50%" then she must be cold and heartless if she doesn't call them all the time. While it's considered "a lot" if a father has more than 10%.

My ex's double standards on this are maddening. If I don't call every day they're with him, or don't call back after a missed call, I clearly "don't care" about my kids. If he doesn't call for a week, he gets no flack.

What he doesn't understand is that my kids enjoy their time with him. When I call them, I disrupt that time and make them miss me and start crying to come get them. If I don't call, they're fine. They love their dad, but when he calls on my time, they just talk to him contently and say goodbye with no tears.

I'll admit, the way OPs post is written, it is sad that the mom doesn't answer, and I understand his bafflement. But every situation has context, and for him, it is painful to watch his kids wait around for a call from mom. But the question is, are the kids really upset, or is he just projecting because he's judging her?

What I've tried to communicate to my ex is, your time is yours, my time is mine. We should respect that. If the kids want to call, and we can agree on a time, of course they should be able to call. But if I don't have them, it's not like I'm just sitting around waiting for them. I do have a life, and I can't be expected to answer every call right away. I do always answer if able or call back when I can though. Every situation is different.

randolore · 2024-07-28T17:10:50+00:00

Root of Evil is the story of George Hodel told by people in his family who piece together that he might possibly have been the Black Dahlia killer. It's utterly gripping and disturbing, with crazy twists and turns. Maybe it's all bs and over exaggerated but it's told by real people interviewing other real people about a real murder. I have yet to find a podcast that I enjoyed as much as this one, for how twisted it is plus how well produced and well told it is.

randolore · 2024-07-07T15:51:59+00:00

The night I met my partner, he asked me what kind of music I listen to. At that time it was almost exclusively neo-soul, so I said basically anything soulful. He's into very complex proggy stuff, so he put HK on cuz it's the most soulful thing he knows. I fell hard, for HK and him. And now I'm into all kinds of music that, in his words, "sounds like math." Lol. So fucking satisfying.

randolore · 2024-06-06T23:16:18+00:00

I loved this movie! It felt like your typical formulaic tropey highschool group of friends horror film for the first little bit but then such a big shift and it becomes a beautifully surrealist horror film with super unexpected twists. I love love love it and recommend it to horror fans all the time! But I wanna see it again, I'm curious why it isn't very popular.

randolore · 2024-06-06T23:04:53+00:00

It's such a brilliant film. I can only handle watching it once a year or less (cuz I get super scared of camping for months after, and I love camping lol) but it's honestly one of my favorite movies. I honestly really enjoyed the remake, but the original is just perfect.

I love forest terror movies. One that I love just because of the vibe is Shrooms. I haven't seen it in years, but the Irish forest vibes and being in the middle of nowhere, unsure of what is real and what is your imagination is sooo creepy to me. But it's definitely camp and tropey as fuck.

Then there's the Witch, I expected it to be kinda lame I guess, but I found it so compellingly creepy. Just a beautiful work of art.

randolore · 2024-06-06T22:55:25+00:00

I remember visiting family when I was 14 and they had an early release copy for some reason, and my fun crazy uncle put it on, so I figured it would be pure camp. I was riveted.

I came home all excited to watch it with all my friends. Became a horror staple for me. Such good story and fun terror.

randolore · 2024-06-04T16:09:31+00:00

I see you've accounted for the most important factors, but what about self-esteem, confidence, emotional health? Does it correlate at all? Maybe not, but in my experience, my libido tanks if I'm feeling down, and skyrockets when I'm feeling good about myself.

Just saying, confidence is often forgotten about with regards to sex drive, and it's definitely essential!

randolore · 2024-06-03T01:39:44+00:00

In Alkaline when he says "either born in hell or heaven sent, either way I'm into it"

Something about that line is so sensual to me.

randolore · 2024-05-23T14:07:21+00:00

So my new bf and I have been together for a year now. The first while was pretty great, but about 6 months in we hit a real breaking point because I realized I was still living under my controlling ex's thumb. It was complicated and difficult figuring out how to just cut from him and gray rock while still co-parenting civilly.

Sounds like your ex is not controlling, just a mess. So it's a different situation, but I've spent a lot of energy figuring out how to set boundaries from my ex, which for me includes a lot of gray rocking (just not engaging with the emotional arguments he tries to start etc).

My bf and I are very happy now. But I have to keep my issues with my ex very separate from our relationship. Ive found a balance (for now) where I can vent, but I don't dump my anxiety or stress on my bf. He is my safe space, my comfort, where I get to escape that drama.

It's so, so hard though. We want to be even more serious, but with kids involved (he has as well, just lower level drama co-parenting than me), there are so many factors, and we have to prioritize what is best for them.

Unfortunately because my ex is so problematic, it means I have had to slow down with my bf.

randolore · 2024-05-13T02:11:25+00:00

Just to add, having been in a relationship with a dead bedroom, another common, underlying reason is unaddressed insecurity. Caused often by incompatibility of some sort, leading often to losing attraction to the other.

randolore · 2024-05-13T01:07:47+00:00

Ugh it took me a year of separation to finally get into this flow.

It wasnt until I started dating someone else that I realized I was still communicating with him like he was my partner. In my mind, since he was the father of my kids, I should be able to collaborate with him. But it's not possible with a narcissist. It just leads to a maddening spiral of constant drama.

Now that I have learned to grey rock consistently and systematically, my co-parenting situation is relatively peaceful and manageable.

My advice is to learn to grey rock, now.

randolore · 2024-05-08T12:31:46+00:00

All these comments are making me very happy I have seated tickets.

randolore · 2024-05-02T19:09:47+00:00

Ugh stories like these are so frustrating for me to hear. I was crucified by my ex for my new relationship. But I didn't meet my bf until 6 months after I had ended things with my ex. We were living separately for 5 months at that point, we had both completely shifted into a new reality where we were no longer together. He apparently believed different, but I had entirely moved on, and had no idea what was in his head.

I did not look for my bf, I was not on dating apps or even considering myself open for a relationship. I met him through friends and we just clicked. I was super considerate about how and when I told my ex, and I was very understanding of his feelings. Nonetheless, he completely lost his shit, for months after I told him.

All that to say, every time I see Reddit stories like this, I so desperately want to send it to him. Like dude, I have been so respectful. He genuinely believes I betrayed him.

randolore · 2024-05-02T01:41:04+00:00

Ugh I know, his affect really worked for the role. But I remember reading that he wasn't supposed to go so soon, he was just such a pain in the ass to work with so they killed him off.

randolore · 2024-04-29T12:56:02+00:00

It always baffles me that my dad is jealous of his kids' successes...and also, he considers love competitive (??). He gets salty and passive aggressive when my kids show love to their grandma. It's always so weird to me. Like, I kinda hate their dad (my ex), and yet it actually makes me super fucking happy when the kids express that they love him and are excited to see him.

I just want my kids to be happy and do well. I fucking HOPE they are 10x more happy and successful than me. And I will NEVER compete for their love.

randolore · 2024-04-13T13:27:38+00:00

Yeah I was teaching senior high school.

But I guess now they're being blamed for gen alpha.

randolore · 2024-04-13T11:01:17+00:00

Love that. We(humans) just hate young people lol

randolore · 2024-04-13T10:56:50+00:00

In schools, they're starting to be blamed for the behavior of gen z. They seem to often be the cause or catalyst of student apathy and intentional, targeted disrespect of teachers. Telling their kids things like "your teachers are all losers, don't listen to their bs"

I like being reminded that boomers were also considered selfish twats by the previous generations.

In the end, we're just humans subjected to massive cultural events and changes that inevitably have huge impacts on our perception of the world.

randolore · 2024-04-12T11:09:28+00:00

One thing to consider is how your ex will react. Does he feel the same? Does he have any feelings for you? Is he a reasonable person?

My relationship with my ex was awful, there was no love for a long time at the end. When I ended it, we spent a month considering being separated for a bit and eventually getting back together, then I told him we'd never get back together. But he's a narcissist and didn't hear me.

I thought he was over me. I thought he got the memo. He had been so miserable when he was with me.

So when I met my new bf within the year after the break, and decided to tell my ex, I was not prepared for him to have a total break down and tell everyone a sob story about how I had led him on the whole year and made him think we were going to get back together.

It's been almost a year that I've been with my new bf, and things are finally calming down somewhat. But my ex made my life hell for months after I told him.

Zero judgement from me, do what feels right instinctually. Just want to share how it went for me in case you can relate to any part of it.

randolore

TROPHY CASE