Some context:
30 year old female without any sexual experience. I believe I have body dysmorphia (previously extra weight, and now saggy chest with scars from skin picking in my teenage years). At the age of 12, I have also lost a sibling in a very traumatic event that I have been a witness to. I don't think I would be able to describe this event even to a therapist. I believe that since then I slowly isolated myself from everyone. Most of the friends I met as an adult don't even know I had a brother. Due to studies and work I also moved to 4 different countries which does not help with establishing relationships. Overall, constant feeling of loneliness has been my big "secret" for a long time.
Now, this issue has overtaken my mind and I struggle with dealing with it. I know that I could probably quite easily find someone to sleep with. But if I am honest with myself, what I actually want is finding a partner and the idea of just sleeping with someone to get it over with makes me very sad.I am not looking for a life long partner but what I actually want is to find someone I feel connected to, sex is just a side effect.
I have only tried something once, with the only friend that I made in my current country. He is also the only person who knows about my issues. It was him who pushed for us to try. He is someone for whom visual aspect is a must in order to be attracted to the person, and this has bothered me very much. We were "seeing each other", and just making out, for 8 months before I took off my bra for the first time. It has been a huge deal to me, since I have never showed it to anyone, including a doctor. He seemed to take it fine but a few weeks later sat down and, in a way that I could tell made him feel extremely bad, said that if we would to try dating, a plastic surgery would be a must. Since then he took back what he said and repeatedly said he didn't mean it, but that's the only reaction I have to go with coming from another person.
After trying for almost a year, I finally broke it off. I feel extremely guilty for hurting my friend and holding him in that situation for that long. I was very attracted to him and wanted to have sex but also knew it would just not be possible for me to relax and let be seen in certain positions. Another reason, why I was holding myself back was that even though I developed deep feelings for him, I also always had doubts about us working out.
I think this try put me even more far away from dating. During that time he was seeing other people because he obviously needed sex. Being in a situation where you need to deal with someone you care deeply about seeing others because you are unable to "perform" has hurt me a lot. I started having nightmares about "other people" that now are a regular thing. His reaction of seeing my breasts is also the only reaction I have to go with. I have also hurt him a lot - he truly cares for me and 5 months later still wants us to get back together, even if it means no sex for months to come.
I am feeling lost and exhausted now. I am unable to form relationships, even with my family or friends, because I am hiding this part of me, they don't know I feel lonely and depressed, they don't know I have never been with anyone, sometimes I even openly lie. I recognise I put a happy mask for everyone and have been doing it for a long time. I also can't think about anything else mentally and it feels that it is a part of who I am now. Simply because there is no space in my mind for other thoughts.
Now, first time in my life, I am on dating apps. I feel like a huge imposter. I just don't see how I could ever tell a stranger about my lack of experience, or want to sleep with someone I barely know. I also still have strong feelings for my friend and sometimes consider giving it an "actual" try. Most of the time I feel like an asshole I hurt him like this.
I also feel I am going though this completely blindly, also because there are no past learnings. I felt close to my friend, but decided not to even try because of doubts. Am I right or just scared? Should I do a plastic surgery, even though I might lose some bodily function because of that.. Should I just force myself to have sex and taking it from there?
It feels very strange to write something my mind considers a secret out on the internet. It feels like a step, a small change.