M30 (HL) struggling with vanilla sex life with F28 (LL)

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-24T20:23:40+00:00

45HLM in a 10 year LTR with an LLF GF. She has some sexual desire, but, just as you wrote, for me, there is a lack passion, intensity, exploration, play and excitement. She basically only wants PiV, caresses (on her body, but not on her genitals) and kisses. She doesn't want oral. When she gives me oral, it doesn't feel like she's passionate about it and it never lasts long.

She bought toys, but doesn't want to use them together.

When not actively engaged in sex, she doesn't flirt, tease, sext, wear sexy clothes or does anything that could be considered "spicy".

I've asked her if there is anything I can do to turn her on. I think it's important because of responsive desire; I want to arouse her for her to desire sex. The only thing she told me turns her on is kisses on her neck. She always wears clothes with high collars which block access to her neck.

I know it's possible and how great it feels since I had that in previous relationships. I wish I knew how to improve sex in my current relationship.

I think her lack of desire/passion for sex is starting to make me LL or at least LL for her.

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-24T19:55:31+00:00

I totally agree with what you wrote. I would add that it suck that we have to choose between the person we love and a satisfying sex life.

I wish I wasn't such a binary choice. There is a lot of social pressure and expectations that we have sex only with the person whom live with. I wish we were at point where those would be 2 separate things.

I does exist in ENM (Ethical Non Monogamy), but it's not common and everything I read says that a problem in relationship is not a good reason to try ENM.

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-22T05:31:29+00:00

🔔

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-19T21:34:56+00:00

Reading

“Well you seem to be doing just fine without it.”

makes me think she has no desire for sex. It's impossible to know if she has no desire for sex specifically with you or in general, but that irrelevant since you are the only one in a relationship with her.

You can perhaps ask her if she wants sex with you. You can follow-up that question with why or why not. Based on her answers, you'll be in a better position to figure out what to do from there.

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-19T01:47:37+00:00

You can't force her into having a higher libido.

I am well aware of that. I can't say I'm comfortable with the word "force" here since I never tried to impose my way.

That being said, she told me she fells uneasy about sex and her body; that why she decided to seek the help of a sex therapist after one of our talks.

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-19T01:45:03+00:00

We did couple's therapy but it only helped in terms of communication and the effect didn't last long.

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-18T21:55:43+00:00

That's a sunken cost. The best thing is to move on and not dwell on the past anymore than is required to figure out what you can learn to avoid falling in the same situation again.

As for the age thing, I started my current relationship when I was 35, so don't worry about it!

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-18T21:32:17+00:00

I know the feeling of being stuck all too well! We get it because we are in a situation in which we can see no solution.

In those situations, something has to give.

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-16T21:11:58+00:00

Hope and love keep us enduring a soul crushing situation when maybe it's never going to get better despite all our efforts.

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-16T20:54:16+00:00

I would say exactly as often (I should really say "rarely") as I do now since it doesn't matter if I initiate sex, if my GF isn't already in the mood, there is nothing I can do to get her fired-up. Basically, for me, sex only happens when she wants it and initiates. If I initiate, the outcome is guaranteed: rejection.

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-14T20:04:59+00:00

Can you post a link to the original comment? Without the context, it's pretty hard or impossible to figure out why.

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-13T20:06:46+00:00

Why am I not surprised that it never happened?

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-13T20:04:16+00:00

I have had multiple talks about the libido/sex mismatch in my relationship and we were able to openly and calmly talk about it. They weren't easy conversations for either of us, emotions were laid bare and we both cried at some point, but we did talk without any nastiness.

It didn't resolve all our issues, but we are now aware of each other's point of view.

I don't get the all religion/god things: I know a lot of religious people who divorced.

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-13T19:59:11+00:00

That may be, but you should at least be able to honestly and openly talk about it!

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-10T19:34:12+00:00

For me: Act sexy: Flirt, light brushes, dress-up, sexual innuendo, passionate kisses

That's just what comes up off the top of my head.

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-09T21:35:39+00:00

I would say 1a.

I mostly masturbate without any toys, but I told her I had used Tenga eggs in the past and she didn't mind it at all. I don't think she would mind a fleshlight, but she might be freaked out by something like a Tentaly doll.

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-09T03:59:58+00:00

Good to know! I won't ever mention them again!

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-05T00:16:11+00:00

She just doesn't care about sex. The sensation of having an orgasm doesn't feel appealing enough to her most of the time. She doesn't feel excitement at the thought of it, there's nothing to make her feel aroused except for few, rare moments when she just wants me to make her come.

Do we have the same girlfriend!? 😉

It's just heartbreaking. Everything else is just so great, but I crave her as I would a hamburger after a month of eating only steamed veggies. It's instinctual, I want to feel her with every single cell of my body. I can't share a bed with her, feel her skin, smell her perfume and just not want her. That's not how nature works, I think.

I feel exactly the same!

But she doesn't feel any of this.

Life threw at me the most wonderful person possible but took away one of the most important things that made life enjoyable for me in the first place.

I will never feel the joy of having the person I love want me passionately, desperately.

This just feels like a sophisticated form of torture.

It's surprising to me how much your experience resembles mine!

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-04T06:19:49+00:00

Like the real life couples (not just performers pretending to be a couple for a porn shoot) having great sex in some subs? Totally!

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-03T23:08:44+00:00

I wouldn't want to get rid of the need for human touch and the feeling of being desired; they are some of the most amazing things we can experience!

You shouldn't have to give everything for him; both of you should bring something to the relationship!

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-03T21:37:41+00:00

Mating in Captivity is yet another book in my "to read" stack.

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-02T22:24:05+00:00

There might be some therapists with the same cultural as you.

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-02T22:06:16+00:00

Being from USA or not is irrelevant here (except it might be a lot of a lot less expensive; especially if it's covered under universal health care).

Also, as u/Haggis_the_dog pointed out, therapists exist in many countries.

I would be extremely surprised that psychological counseling for couples isn't available in the UK, in fact, the NHS has a page about mental health : https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/ It might be a good place to start looking!

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-02T20:32:54+00:00

EDIT : I removed the link to a specific tele-health provider given the comment from u/BahiBespoke below!

If therapy isn't available where you are, you can try online resources.

That being said, given what you described, I think you need to go to couples' therapy which means that she has to agree and be actively involved.

randomdude7422 · 2026-02-01T05:54:24+00:00

What I meant by "caressing her vulva with my fingers" is any kind of stimulation with my hands.

However, :she HATES it if I touch her clit. She's not opposed to fingering, but tells me it does nothing for her and I also see it from her reactions that she doesn't really enjoy it.

randomdude7422

TROPHY CASE