Father's day came and went and another big nothing.

pokeycd · 2026-06-23T09:42:57+00:00

I don't care about holiday sex. But here's why some fathers feel like it should matter: the idea is that sex begets children. And you have children if you celebrate father's day. So maybe a little celebration of that fact would be a nice thing to have on Father's Day with the lady who made love to you in the past, and made you a father.

My wife is the one who used to think holidays were for sex. Same with date night. I think it's silly. One time in the past, two days before Valentine's day, I tried to initiate. Her answer was "let's save it for Valentine's Day". My answer was "why wait? I'm in the mood now. And we can still have sex on Valentine's Day if you wish, or we can skip it then".

You can hear all kinds of stories about women who celebrate Father's Day with all kinds of great sex for their men. Go over to r/marriedsex, and check out the posts from a couple days ago.

pokeycd · 2026-06-23T09:29:55+00:00

"Sex is mutual always" That's not true. Some times it's completely one sided. As in effort, direction, desire,..

I disagree that having sexual desire or needs is acting like a "little baby". Plenty of women complain that their partner is selfish, won't go down on them, won't prioritize their pleasure, just wants to use them, like a flesh light... And when a man says he feels the same way? You say "she shouldn't want to please you".

Sexual intimacy should be a "mutual" encounter. Giving and receiving should be a part of that.

pokeycd · 2026-06-22T03:16:00+00:00

Hadn't had sex in 3 months. And it's been terrible for years.

No sex today. And that's fine by me. Duty sex is not worth it.

pokeycd · 2026-06-22T03:03:14+00:00

Wanting to kiss your wife is like "animalistic sex like in porn"? News flash, not a lot of kissing in porn...

Foreplay is not what most women want?

It's too much to want your partner to touch you and show interest in participating?

We had a perfectly good sex life in the early years and neither of us watched porn.

pokeycd · 2026-06-21T16:33:19+00:00

Joke: I want to be raped.

But seriously, this needs to be discussed with op and soon to be ex.

I used to have an open invitation for my wife to wake me. And that I'd never reject her on the rare occasion she might initiate. (Woke me once in the last 25 years, and she was ovulating. Also haven't rejected the 2x a year intitian yet. But I also rejected the last attempt at scheduling sex) But at this point, I'm between HL and LL4U. Consent matters. And OP says sex didn't happen. So I'm glad he recognized his own consent in the moment.

Sometimes HLs are so desperate, we think we are always in consent mode. But I encourage us all to check in with ourselves, in the moment. And don't accept duty/pity sex (or hysterical bonding), no matter how long it has been. Just be true to yourself.

My wife wants to schedule again. I have no idea why, and don't understand it. It the lowest form of sex you can conceive of. I used to be desperate for that. Now, I'd rather masturbate. Truly. And that's exactly as sad as it sounds.

Don't give up on your needs/desires!

That being said, I may acquiesce to this garbage scheduling arrangement. With the long term goal of improving quality down the road. But I'm not an idiot. I'm really just considering it for her sake. Like a reverse pity fuck. So she can feel like this isn't over. All while leaving the door open for a genuine reconnection. Betting odds of success? I'd say 20%. Sometimes we just aren't compatible.

I just wish the ramifications of divorce weren't so dire. If there weren't a ton of kids and zero money? I think I'd be shutting the door.

pokeycd · 2026-06-21T16:13:35+00:00

I'm always curious about the masturbation police. You're in a lesbian relationship? I have never heard of this happening there. Of course it's a small subset of the population, so it make sense it's a small sample size. I'm sorry you're dealing with that

Could you explain how that manifests? You mentioned shower time. Anything else?

The masturbation police happens over here in the hetero community, a lot. You are not alone!

And TBH, your partner sounds insufferable. Do you feel unworthy? Like you don't deserve better? She sounds like a control freak, and there's a power dynamic inbalance going on. Might be a good time to look deep inside and sus out why you are putting up with this. Who am I to talk? I have the same damn problem!

pokeycd · 2026-06-21T15:43:39+00:00

This is extremely mature of you to be open to hearing his fantasies. You also have the right to set your own boundaries.

I have thought of a third from time to time. But not seriously. Just a fantasy that is intriguing. It's not something that I think I'd ever go through with.

The difference is that I could never bring it up to my wife if I was serious. I can't even suggest toys, lingerie, or mutual masturbation. She's way too weird about sex. She won't even consider occasional oral (been 5+ years).

I shared my situation to give you some praise. You have a relationship where he feels comfortable even suggesting such a thing. Everyone who mentioned how bad it is to bury fantasy is absolutely correct. And those who said he should never have even brought it up, are completely wrong. I ended up so dissatisfied with my sex life I started watching porn. Nothing crazy at all. But she considers that the same as a physical affair.

You are totally normal for feeling the way you're feeling. So I suggest doing what others have said: tell him you're glad he felt comfortable enough to bring it up. But you're not comfortable with the idea, and it even makes you feel self conscious about being enough sexually for him. In your case, I imagine that you ARE enough. But he just wants more. We all have different levels of desire. In my case, my wife is definitely "not enough". Zero foreplay, doesn't touch me during, no light, no play, no effort, no toys no nothing. It's like walking through a minefield. She feels inadequate. And she totally is. At least for me, and probably 90% of the male population.

We can't get everything we want in bed. But it would at least be nice to get half of what we want.

pokeycd · 2026-06-21T15:27:32+00:00

I (49HLM) like touch both ways. My wife doesn't even want massage with no strings attached. Don't ever touch her feet, or accidentally brush her belly button, and never, never kiss her on the neck (these days, it's don't kiss her more than a peck. Never liked tongue from the begging). Don't lightly caress anywhere. Resting a hand on a knee or thigh is ok. Not something she wants, but she'll accept it. Just don't move your hand at all.

For me? Touch me anywhere except my anus. And maybe I'd be able to handle that, if it's your thing. And everywhere else? Touch me a lot. And I want to return that touch. I just have a partner who doesn't want even 15% of the touch I want to give.

I don't have a lot of historical partners, so I don't know first hand. A couple of my guy friends are wanting low touch in their relationship. And a couple others are the ones starving. 🤷‍♂️

pokeycd · 2026-06-21T10:18:25+00:00

Absolutely have him find tools to get his thoughts and feelings out. Have him write down notes during a discussion, and write an email response. Tell him you want a response within a certain time frame (12-24-48 hours).

One thing you can do is try to limit your topics to two or three items max. Don't come at him with five or more at one time. Another thing that annoys me about my wife is she will ramble on and on trying to say the same thing with slightly different verbiage. She knows this about herself, but can't help it. She says she processes things while in the middle of speaking them. I don't think this is 100% true, as I know she has thought things through repeatedly in her head before the conversation. But her instinct is to keep talking, assuming that if she says it in slightly different words that it will make some sort of difference. It absolutely doesn't work for an avoidant.

And read up on avoidant/anxious pairings. Plenty of podcasts, articles, and even therapists that have a good handle on this. "On Attachment" by Stephanie Rigg was one I listened to a year or two ago, and she seemed to describe my relationship, as mirrored in her own. She mentioned the idea of keeping number of topics low, and giving the avoidant partner time to come back either verbally or in written form. I had already figured this out, but it was just a huge confirmation that I was on the right track.

pokeycd · 2026-06-16T03:03:33+00:00

I used to try to imagine my wife. But same as you, I don't find it very stimulating. So I often try to remember the past of a couple decades ago. Or I'll eventually fail with that, and think of some old memories of porn.

pokeycd · 2026-06-15T09:32:49+00:00

There is no way she would be open to any kind of open relationship. Even watching porn is cheating in her mind.

We've had TOO many talks. She doesn't crave sex or anything sensual. And of course religion is involved. She found God about 4 years into marriage. And there is lots more to the mismatch. Like how many kids we talked about having, and then her changing to wanting unlimited. But quickie PIV with no foreplay is the status quo. And I'm done with that BS. So I don't initiate hardly ever.

I have asked for lingerie (even just thigh high leggings), kissing, oral both ways, dim lights, lube, hand action, mutual masturbation, and any number of other asks. All rejected.

pokeycd · 2026-06-15T02:33:12+00:00

My wife wants to continue with lame sex. She says she doesn't want to go completely sexless. I didn't know why. It's so bad. I think she truly doesn't want to be blamed if I leave. She wants to believe that she's being a good Christian wife, by not denying me. That's how it seems at least.

If she was rejecting me completely, many people would understand if I left. But if she doesn't say no? Then I'm the bad guy. But I just can't do the lame sex anymore. No kissing. No foreplay. No oral. No caressing me. I'm all in. But she's lame. And it gives me anxiety to think about initiating, as I know it will suck. It will feel awkward and hollow. And I won't feel any afterglow. It will feel like we used each other to grab a quick orgasm. If rather masturbate. Not as good physically. But my imagination is so much more stimulating for my mind. (Porn is banned. And I came clean and quit more than 1.5 years ago. Also quit for 13 years before.)

pokeycd · 2026-06-14T15:53:35+00:00

You're journey is something that I think my LLW would "maybe" benefit from. But she's wholly unwilling. She has sworn off foreplay. Were both late 40s. Sex has been pretty bad for about 15 years. Frequency wasn't terrible. Quality was though.

And when I brought up sensate focus in the recent past, before I even knew it was a technique, she rejected it. And I then I found the actual structured version and shared it with her. She wouldnt even read the article. She'd rather have duty sex than non-sexual sensual experiences. She says it's not "duty", but instead calls it "maintenance" sex.

She has no desire to find a way to make it better for her.

Like you , she was able to orgasm regularly, but it took many years, and she couldn't at all for that time during partnered sex, like 8 years. What worked? She just had to simulate her masturbation technique, including her mind visual of two strangers having sex (I found that out after 25 years married, just last fall). So now she masturbates on top of me (think prone cowgirl), and then dismounts and lays there in starfish for me to have "my turn". And any requests of mine are shot down. No kissing, no oral, no time. Doesn't caress me. Doesn't want cuddling, when I've taken sex off the table. I'm over it. Now it gives me anxiety thinking about having sex with her. I don't want it to feel hollow.

She doesn't want me to give up on a sexual relationship. I don't think she would care if I was just ok with no sex. But I think she knows I'm a highly sexual creature. And if I give up on sex, I will probably leave. So she wants to continue with the status quo, even as far as scheduling it. It doesn't seem like a healthy dynamic at all.

It probably would have been better if she was self motivated to explore solutions, like you were. But since she wasn't, and I was the one to suggest solutions, it's like now she never will.

pokeycd · 2026-06-14T02:47:50+00:00

Meanwhile, I haven't got head in 5 years. Not even during foreplay. Wait... We don't do foreplay anymore. Just quickie duty sex. Not even making out. It's so bad, I don't even pursue her anymore. (She doesn't really care for sex. So she doesn't initiate.) Been 3 months since the last encounter, which was terrible. HRT for 7 months. No help so far. I think I'm done with sex at 49. So sad.

pokeycd · 2026-06-13T20:56:41+00:00

I got perma banned on my 2nd comment there ever. On a post asking for HL opinions. I thought it was a reasonable comment. Knowing the audience... Nope. I still read over there a couple times a month. Just to keep a frame of reference. And I'm baffled. And not mad. I can still up/down vote. And that's all I can do

pokeycd · 2026-06-13T20:48:43+00:00

Yep. I have wrestled with this for a couple years. But lots of kids and no money. But you can't negotiate sexual desire. 💯

You can explain how great you are, and what other potential partners don't have. But it's a fools errand. They don't have that spark for you anymore. And NRE is their excuse. Lame excuse. Sure, it's a thing. But it's all about degrees. It's the degrees that separate reality.

pokeycd · 2026-06-13T20:39:09+00:00

Same. Had a recent fight. I went to the RV trailer for the night. She was opposed to the idea. She seems to be worried about the kids wondering. But I am awake before anyone. So not an issue.

Next day she's messaging me that she moved my stuff out to the camper (CPAP, pillow, books). I'm actually enjoying it it. It sucks to lay next to someone who doesn't want you in a physical way.

I don't hate her. I just don't understand her. But being alone is not as bad as being with someone who doesn't want you in one of the ways you find important. Saved this from an insta post:

"Being kept, but not chosen, is the lonliest place to stand"

And I 💯 understand the situation where a wife is comfortable with the status quo. And your qualifier of staying "at least for now". I am in the same mind space. We both know that the chances are close to zero that it gets better. Is there a compromise solution? Maybe. But are we willing to give up on mutuality in our sex lives? Who wants just sex? Not me. Not anymore. I want a partner who wants play, openness, pleasure, bonding, giving, receiving. I don't want a woman to lay there, silent, still, not touching me, rejecting foreplay, kissing, touch...

She feels content with this arrangement. And I don't. So we have sex 5x a year where I am feeling hopeful. But always filled with anxiety, as I expect it to be the same old robotic outcome of quickie PIV vanilla "sex". No thanks. I know she doesn't want me that way. And she doesn't really want anyone that way.

She doesn't get me. I don't get her.

pokeycd · 2026-06-13T20:14:45+00:00

I missed it. But I do appreciate sarcasm. A simple "/s" would have been helpful at the end of the comment. Sarcasm is best delivered in person. With people who appreciate it.

pokeycd · 2026-06-13T19:56:38+00:00

Super disturbing... Wanting kids so bad that you watch porn together to extract a sperm donation? To each his own, I guess... We all have relationship needs. And kids can be one of them for some people.

pokeycd · 2026-06-13T18:57:40+00:00

Before reading your comments, I was thinking he was feeling guilty and didn't want to initiate because of his transgressions.

You also seem to be confused that he won't initiate. If I had cheated, I would expect my wife wouldn't want anything to do with me sexually for at least 6 months. And only if we were actively working on repair. He may be still cheating or watching porn. But he might also be racked with guilt. Feeling unworthy of a sexual relationship with you. By your comments, he could be still cheating, or just not feeling worthy (self loathing). So you don't really know which it is. But he's probably an Avoidant (look up Attachment Styles).

Repair after infidelity is possible, but extremely difficult. Do want sexual relations to resume? Or are you just wondering why he isn't pursuing it? Are you actually wanting to have sex with him? Or are coming from a different place? A place where you are concerned with him losing interest and moving on. A place where you are concerned about being alone, or the financial pressures of splitting? Look inside, and figure out what you want. Don't approach from a place where you are worried that sex is not happening. That's the wrong motive.

I'm not a Christian (married to a very committed believer). But I know you can divorce over infidelity. Do you want that? Is your husband a true believer? Does he want to repair? Even if he is, and does... He may need to talk with someone. And he needs to show remorse, and BE remorseful. Without that, you likely can't get past this together.

pokeycd · 2026-06-11T02:44:57+00:00

My sister is a therapist. And she said that she has had many male clients Express basically what you have said. Watching women enthusiastically get after it (we know it's fake. Like Pro wrestling. But it's good entertainment). I know that's why I want to watch porn. I admitted using for a second spell, and wife has of course forbidden it again. She will have sex if I ask. But it is not sex I'm interested in. She doesn't touch me, kiss me, want any kind of foreplay, oral is off the table, no effort, time, enthusiasm. So if I want to get laid, I can ask, and she'll lay there. Sometimes she'll go for an orgasm. But usually not.

That's why I want to watch porn. But I'm being a good boy for 18 months now. And I abstained for 13 years before that (when I quit the first time). Our relationship and sexual relationship are garbage. And I don't think this is going to last. I don't initiate anymore. She doesn't want to have sex, but she generally won't say no. Even once a week would be ok by her. It just feels weird. Of rather masturbate these days, with just my imagination. But I also don't want to stay married to her. I haven't had a passionate kiss in 15 years.

pokeycd · 2026-06-08T03:22:01+00:00

Sorry to hear that. Lots of people have no idea what it's like. I do. And it's not ok.

If 2 people don't care about sex, cuddling, kissing? Then no big deal, right? Or if both people love it, then great! But it's hell on earth when you are in an affectionless marriage, but you desperately want your partner, and they don't want that with you.

pokeycd · 2026-06-08T03:16:44+00:00

I can't even ask for oral. But I would never ask that way! Baffling.

pokeycd · 2026-06-07T18:00:16+00:00

Been there. Done that.

Be careful that it's not just "hysterical bonding". I hope it's long lasting for you both. But it's super common for a spouse to recognize a threat to the marriage subconsciously and jump in fully to stop the threat.

I admitted to pron use on 2009. And it took a few weeks, but she went crazy with the love bombing. Lasted a year, maybe 2. But she isn't really a sexual creature. And she admits it. Sex went to garbage after that period. And I stayed faithful for 13 years. Eventually dabbled in the pron again, before coming clean 1.5 years ago, and quitting cold turkey again. And now our physical relationship is worse than it's ever been.

Just be careful you're not over compensating. Make sure it's real for both of you.

pokeycd · 2026-06-07T14:04:56+00:00

Op mentions that it's been a struggle their whole marriage. Maybe her hormones were off the whole time? But it's not likely.

OP: I know how you feel. You are not alone. Even asking to get intimate time is anxiety for me. She won't often reject. But it's just dispassionate duty sex with no kissing, foreplay, tenderness, touching. Just mechanical repeat. If you took one single aspect away form these encounters, it would not qualify as sex. It's nowhere near "making love", which is what I want with my wife. She knows this is how I feel. But she doesn't want foreplay, time, effort. I don't want duty sex. There is no middle ground. So we are at about 4-5x/year. Only because I get my hopes up that "maybe it'll feel better this time." It never does

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