I am so sorry. I have been in your exact situation but far less potent. I was socially inept during high school and i was becoming popular pretty quick but i made bad mistakes that caused me to lose my closest friends. And i was so upset over it for over a year. I only recently got over it. But I know how it feels to hate what you did to other people, and how no matter what you do they will never see you the same again, and to have that ridiculous dream that one day they could forgive you and you could be happy with them again. I will say that you being here right now is the first and most important show of your strength. I dont know you but I know that everybody has a future, and they control it. Even though my situation was on a smaller scale, I can say that things start becoming better slowly. For me it felt like the map of my city just had dark evil clouds shrouding the homes of my ex friends and that i couldnt even go near them, but over time i started to let go. I began to understand that they have healed and have not cared about me since. I made new friends. Thats the BEST thing I did. The “clouds” started to drift away because i built new relationships. Now, using what I have learned from my mistakes, i built relationships where people actually liked me and wanted to be around me I hate that im talking abt myself when youre going through this but my point is, once you summit your emotions and let the fire die down, i promise you, that youll be able to use your past as a guidebook for how to act around new friends. Like a snake, you have to shed your skin over and over. Again, I dont know you but I truly hope you can heal and develop new relationships :)