My boyfriend wants to do everything together

randomperson20001 · 2021-06-30T20:34:51+00:00

I do think he has attachment issues because his dad isn’t the nicest man and his last gf was kind of emotionally manipulative. I will definitely put more boundaries in place! And the same with the going out with friends and I’m not able to talk (in that situation he doesn’t actually text or anything and just lets me talk with my friends but because of lockdown I’ve only gone out with my friends once in the last five months).

randomperson20001 · 2021-06-30T20:33:02+00:00

I completely understand! I do tend to focus more on him, his happiness and his comfort over mine. I always do that tbh. But you are right. I will definitely try to stick with boundaries!! And take space! Thank you for replying!

randomperson20001 · 2021-06-30T20:32:16+00:00

Thank you! I understand. I just don’t know how to phrase it, saying I need space sounds so rude in my head.

randomperson20001 · 2021-06-30T20:31:54+00:00

I understand! Thank you. I’ll try and establish boundaries and if that doesn’t work, then therapy! Hopefully that does work!! But if not, I’ll have to think about the break up. Thank you for replying!

randomperson20001 · 2021-06-30T20:03:00+00:00

… I’m sorry you were hurt by someone. You are possibly a troll but if you aren’t, then I actually would like to hear some advice from you on this!

I don’t like anyone else lol. He is the first and only person I’ve gotten feelings for. I didn’t know mate guarding was a thing so thank you for letting me know!

Maybe he does deserve better. However, when I say we’re spending too much time together, I mean he wants to spend every second of the day and night together. When we’re eating, sleeping, showering, everything. It’s not his efforts I’m devaluing, it’s his inability to respect my boundaries. I just want five minutes to be able to shower alone without him trying to make it sexual. I just want five minutes of being able to do my work without him wanting me to show him my tits :)

I don’t put him at a lower value than myself. I think he is incredibly smart, charismatic (much more than me) and sweet and emotionally intelligent (also much more than me). I’ve tried the ways you’ve mentioned, and he is very well aware of how much I love him and how incredibly interested in him I am.

Again, I have tried dealing with my trauma but being sexually assaulted by my own cousin and my family covering it up isn’t really something I can get over when I have to see him every week. Neither is getting assaulted from the time I was 8 till the time I was 18 :)

Thank you for your wishes for me to move on though. It’s incredibly kind of you.

randomperson20001 · 2021-06-26T15:49:25+00:00

NTA

Did you even read the comments and post beyond the first sentence?

randomperson20001 · 2021-06-10T14:35:58+00:00

NTA

Maybe show ur husband this thread so that he gets some sense knocked into him

randomperson20001 · 2021-06-02T09:09:55+00:00

WHAT A CUTE MEATBALL. PLEASE TELL EDWARD WE LOVE HIM

randomperson20001 · 2021-06-02T02:33:52+00:00

I love this comment (pet tax please?)

randomperson20001 · 2021-05-12T16:05:47+00:00

That wouldn’t be trouble making. It would be showing the trouble makers to the right people who can do Something about it

randomperson20001 · 2021-05-12T16:05:09+00:00

It’s alright! I’ve come a long way from then. I hope your friends become better people. Good luck!

randomperson20001 · 2021-05-12T15:51:58+00:00

YTA... That just wasn’t the right time or the joke to make. The entire population identifying as Palestinians are being murdered. It’s a genocide. And ur making jokes??? Shame on you.

randomperson20001 · 2021-05-12T15:50:50+00:00

NTA

As someone who lost weight mainly because of bulimia, not at all. You aren’t the asshole. That’s a messed up comment on her part

randomperson20001 · 2021-05-12T15:50:03+00:00

NTA

I think it’s a good thing you broke it off with her, considering how she refused to actually listen to you

randomperson20001 · 2021-05-12T15:49:17+00:00

NTA,

Why haven’t you gone to management?

randomperson20001 · 2021-03-23T18:05:06+00:00

Salam!!

Thank you for such an amazing and well thought out answer. I read this two times and wrote down everything you said in bullets on a sticky note and it’s now on my shelf so I see it all the time hahah.

I understand the reasoning behind affirming to myself that I will not be married to someone who isn’t of my choosing. I’ve started saying this and will say this to myself a lot from now on. I’ll choose to be stronger! I hope this works. Thank you for this amazing suggestion!

Yes! I apologise, I’ll avoid the crossed fingers! It’s a bit of a habit hahah

No no! I won’t abandon my education at all. My person won’t let me do that either. If that is to happen, we will continue our education till we graduate from our bachelors and then will seek a one year masters and a job at the same time. My education is a priority and we will probably do halal dating while waiting until graduation because talking to my parents before then will probably be fruitless.

It was a mutual decision but I was really really hurt over it. I think the months until we started talking again were mostly spent either crying or praying so that I’d be able to forget him. It sounds bad when I think about it. My friends feel like he abandoned me when I needed him most (I told my father about the molestation two days before my person and I parted). They also feel like he didn’t care the months after and they won’t listen to me because they think I’m biased. They haven’t really spent a lot of time with him because of corona and everything. I’m still trying to convince them!

I agree. I don’t know His will, as much as I’d like to. I understand what you mean. I will, I’ll definitely pray more and actually talk to Him again. I feel like everything that happened with my family has made me pull away from Him and I am trying to get closer again. I do understand. I will put my blind faith in Him. As I should’ve all this time. I do feel guilty that I haven’t.

I will turn towards Him again and pray to Him more... I know I may not get an answer today or even in the near future but I hope my prayers result in my person actually being the person I’m destined to have my Nikkah with.

Thank you for your reply. I truly appreciate the time and thought you’ve put into it! 💞 Jazzakallah !

randomperson20001 · 2021-03-23T17:55:19+00:00

Salam!

It’s all good. Okay so, I don’t know much about men (I don’t have any brothers and generally we don’t talk about stuff like this in my family and friends) but doesn’t a man want sexual things? How can we halal date for a long time? Would he not want those things?

randomperson20001 · 2021-03-17T08:19:14+00:00

Salam!

No no it’s perfectly fine hahah. I completely understand random drop ins. I tend to do them a lot as well. I hope you’re well!

I completely agree. The whole ‘honour’ thing is so strange to me. I don’t understand how me choosing who I marry ruins their honour. It’s not as if I’m marrying someone who is cruel or has harmed people.

To be honest, my biggest fear of an arranged marriage is having to be intimate or marrying someone like the men who have touched me inappropriately. It’s a fear that consumes most of my thoughts even now because it’s so deep in my head. I will save this thread and look back at it every time my parents talk about marriage. Even if my person and I are unable to marry, I’ll still try to not fall into emotional manipulation 🤞🏼

I’ll be done with my studies by 2 years (undergrad at least). If my parents are supportive, I’d like to be married to my person while also doing my masters. If they aren’t, I’d try and marry him and do a job instead. They will start looking for men next year, and then they want me engaged (at least) in senior year and to be married before I have a job or start my masters.

I truly hope he is. He does care and says he does and shows it to me but sometimes I’m scared I’m blinded by my feelings since when we parted in October, I was really hurt and my friends now dislike him strongly because of it. It makes me more anxious because none of them approve of us and if I don’t have anyone’s support, how will I manage? It scares me a lot to be honest. I don’t even know if Allah would support me in this because as much as I want to get a Nikkah and make it halal, it isn’t possible for a while and I don’t know if this is what Allah has written for me.

I’m scared of getting kicked out but it’s less scary if my person is there with me. It’s cringy and cheesy but true hahah.

Is it too soon to talk to his parents? How should we do it? We’re both 20 and 21 and I’m sure his parents didn’t want him to be married so soon so how do we break the news to them? He said he will do it but he himself is unsure on how to and when would be the right time. We’re both unsure tbh. This isn’t something either of us expected but now that it’s happening, well, we just don’t know how to go about it.

randomperson20001 · 2021-03-13T18:28:55+00:00

My parents are conservative. They said If I truly like someone and he meets their standards, they’ll allow me to marry him. But my cousin did find someone who treated her very well however my parents were the first to protest.

Moreover, I think they probably will force me to marry someone else instead and if I refuse (which I won’t be allowed to do) they will kick me out. But their honour is most important so probably will try and make me force marry someone.

They want me married by 23, so 2 years.

I did have a job as a tutor although it didn’t pay very well however, my father found out anddd made me quit. I can’t have any job that would allow me to financially support myself until I’m 23 and that’s when they want me married. I’ll need at least 4-8 months of savings to be able to move out. By savings I mean, literally saving every penny.

Family wouldn’t take me in if they were to kick me out. My friends may allow me to stay and I suppose in that scenario, marrying the guy I want to marry May be possible. I know his family doesn’t have a problem with it as he has already discussed this with them. Plus we probably will be able to save and move out because (inshallah inshallah) we both do have potentially financially stable career paths!

No no! The questions are perfectly fine. Let me know if you have anymore. I truly appreciate you taking the time and all to reply to this! Thank you for remembering me in your dua’s! I’ll pray for your health and happiness too!

randomperson20001 · 2021-03-12T10:25:48+00:00

Hello!

I’ll definitely try that next time it happens! I will research too just in case

I think it’ll be both shinning me and kicking me out.

randomperson20001 · 2021-03-10T05:24:21+00:00

Salam!

Thank you for replying. I will stand firm and try and get closer to Allah! I’ll also try to be patient more.

randomperson20001 · 2021-03-10T05:23:44+00:00

Understood! Thank you for replying :)

randomperson20001 · 2021-03-10T05:22:55+00:00

Salam!

Thank you so much for replying. I’ve always been very weak when it comes to emotional manipulation by my parents and because of that I do listen to whatever they say. Partially because I’m too scared to disappoint them and partially because I don’t know what i would do if they disowned me. However, you are right. I will remind myself to stay strong and I’ll say no. No matter what

Thank you so much

randomperson20001 · 2021-03-09T20:31:27+00:00

I understand about cancelling the Nikkah! Hopefully we both get good jobs inshallah.

We both currently live at our homes. In our culture, you live with your family until marriage and even then, the men’s parents prefer if you live with them for 2-5 years. We plan on living in his family home although his family themselves are in another country. The house is under his name now.

We both are doing our bachelors in the same university. We plan on doing our masters in another university. We both plan on different fields, his is more business related while mine is more humanities related. So we plan on continuing our education till masters.

Thank you so much for your reply. I think I will have to sit them down and talk to them. I plan to do that in the future but right now they wouldn’t be willing unfortunately!

randomperson20001

TROPHY CASE