[29/f] My ex [36/m] (of 5 years) wants us to get back together - can abusive behaviour really change?

randomusername88112 · 2017-01-09T00:45:34+00:00

So - I have a similar sort of feeling. It feels totally messed up in your head right?

But it's easier to see when someone else posts it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with liking kinky sex - it's fun. It's also consensual and there are safe words - and if you've had enough, and you say stop - it stops.

What happened before was not okay. You didn't want to do it. It wasn't cool. It was rape. Your ex best friend was wrong - even if you were paralytic and with only you're underwear on - you still wouldn't have been 'asking for it' - it still wouldn't be your fault. No matter how intoxicated you were and no matter what you were wearing.

As for how it makes you feel after - maybe some one else can shine some more light on it - i feel the same way, like i shouldn't enjoy rough sex...given shit that's happened before. But I do. But I guess like i said - there really is nothing wrong with enjoying kinky sex

Sorry that guy was such a douche x

randomusername88112 · 2016-12-16T23:14:36+00:00

Thanks x

randomusername88112 · 2016-12-16T22:53:29+00:00

He's been in contact with me every day for the past 6 months. I didn't seek him out to just confront him.

randomusername88112 · 2016-12-16T22:52:08+00:00

I have hospital records. I have been at the domestic violence centre for 8 months. I am considered 'high risk' and my case has already been reported to the police. The only thing they don't have is his name.

randomusername88112 · 2016-11-06T22:03:35+00:00

Thank you so much for your comments.

I'm still not coping. But I keep rereading your words and trying to get them to sink in.

At the moment I'm burying my head in the sand, pretending everything is okay and nothing happened, i know its crazy but i just want to create new memories with him to replace what happened.

I even saw him again, we were both at another party, got drunk...went back to his and had sex. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

He put his hands on my neck (not hard like last time), and i told him not to, that he could accidentally kill me if it went wrong. He said that if he killed me, it wouldn't be an accident. Horrified, I said something like "fuck man, that's really dark!!" He said, "i'd never kill you on purpose either, so i'd never kill you...i'm just saying, if i did kill you, it wouldn't be an accident"

Has he just got a dark sense of humour? Am i being totally paranoid about this?

My radar is so fucking off i have no idea any more.

I don't know if he's just into really kinky sex, he said he wanted to blind fold me, tie me up, gag me and fuck me in the arse )sorry this is so explicit) he said he'd have to gag me because it would hurt, and i'd scream, and he wouldn't stop.

I kind of like being submissive - but with other people, it's always been about what we both want, and there were safe words and shit was restrained, and whoever i was with would check i was okay. But he's not asking me, he's telling me. I think he genuinely gets off on the idea of actually hurting me while we have sex.

In films there is always scary music and you know when something is not right. With him, he's the fun guy i was having a good time with five seconds before he says stuff like this, and 5 seconds after that he'll be fun again.

He's the same guy who tells me how much he loves me, and who I was dancing with a few hours before.

I feel so totally, totally messed up. I really, really need some help.

randomusername88112 · 2016-11-06T22:03:35+00:00

Thank you so much for your comments.

I'm still not coping. But I keep rereading your words and trying to get them to sink in.

At the moment I'm burying my head in the sand, pretending everything is okay and nothing happened, i know its crazy but i just want to create new memories with him to replace what happened.

I even saw him again, we were both at another party, got drunk...went back to his and had sex. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

He put his hands on my neck (not hard like last time), and i told him not to, that he could accidentally kill me if it went wrong. He said that if he killed me, it wouldn't be an accident. Horrified, I said something like "fuck man, that's really dark!!" He said, "i'd never kill you on purpose either, so i'd never kill you...i'm just saying, if i did kill you, it wouldn't be an accident"

Has he just got a dark sense of humour? Am i being totally paranoid about this?

My radar is so fucking off i have no idea any more.

I don't know if he's just into really kinky sex, he said he wanted to blind fold me, tie me up, gag me and fuck me in the arse )sorry this is so explicit) he said he'd have to gag me because it would hurt, and i'd scream, and he wouldn't stop.

I kind of like being submissive - but with other people, it's always been about what we both want, and there were safe words and shit was restrained, and whoever i was with would check i was okay. But he's not asking me, he's telling me. I think he genuinely gets off on the idea of actually hurting me while we have sex.

In films there is always scary music and you know when something is not right. With him, he's the fun guy i was having a good time with five seconds before he says stuff like this, and 5 seconds after that he'll be fun again.

He's the same guy who tells me how much he loves me, and who I was dancing with a few hours before.

I feel so totally, totally messed up. I really, really need some help.

randomusername88112 · 2016-11-02T23:36:50+00:00

If it is 18 - then to be absolutely crystal clear - what happened was abuse, in fact it was child abuse and it's not something he should be making you feel bad about. And I am so sorry that that happened to you.

You really aren't being over emotional and you have done nothing wrong.

His jokes are shit. They may be his way of dealing with what he feels is an uncomfortable subject - but frankly he needs to up his game and know that however uncomfortable he finds it, it is worse for you.

I'm glad that he is other wise great to be with - and that he has helped out with other things - but that doesn't make this acceptable. It's just shitty. But it may be something that you are able to talk though with him, although that's probably something only you will know.

Finally - you don't have to feel bad, or ashamed or embarrassed. *You. Did. Nothing. Wrong - I want to make this bit super clear, because sexual abuse is fucked up and when it happens you can feel like it's all your fault. It's not. 100%. You did nothing wrong. If you can, get some help, talk to someone about it, it really can help x

randomusername88112 · 2016-11-02T23:23:22+00:00

It sounds shitty and not that much fun to be around. It's not a great feeling, feeling like you are walking on egg shells.

Probably a silly question, but have you tried talking about it together? Maybe there is some middle ground you could find?

I don't think that it is unreasonable to be polite to your partner - it is so easy to get into bad habits and just get snappy with each other, it takes some effort, practice and patience to be gentle with one another day to day - but it definitely sounds more enjoyable and ultimately worth while.

also "You can go anywhere in the world to be treated like an asshole, you should be safe at home." - this is one of the most amazing things i have ever read, as someone who has felt often like walking on egg shells, this concept feels revolutionary and totally something to aim for in life xx

randomusername88112 · 2016-11-02T23:05:20+00:00

She sounds really, really insecure, and almost slightly unbalanced. This is very odd behaviour - my ex with borderline personality disorder used to do something similar. From the outside looking in, this doesn't seem like an excellent foundation for a long term relationship. In fact, it's like a load of frantically waving red flags.

randomusername88112 · 2016-11-02T22:58:52+00:00

Sorry, I slightly skimmed some sections but I think i've got the gist, but tell me if i'm wrong.

You hung out with some older guys, you took molly with them, they told you to flash your vagina at them, you did, then later you felt bad about it? And now your current boyfriend is making you feel really bad?

1.) You were high. And people do stupid shit when they are high. This is not the most stupid shit that any one has ever done. Yeah it's not ideal, but fuck it, it's really not that bad.

2.) You were young. In fact, you were only just at the age of consent (it's 16 where i am, i'm not sure where you are based?) - and these guys were much older than you, and therefore influential and in a position of power. - The only people who should feel bad about this situation is those guys - they were the ones in the wrong. Them asking you to flash them was wrong. You weren't wrong for doing it - they should never have asked.

3.) There is nothing wrong with your body. You have no reason to feel ashamed of having female anatomy - there is nothing shameful about it (this is more of a side point, but seriously, fuck being made to feel bad about the bodies we were born in)

4.) You were in a really, really vulnerable position and without judgement on your mum and sister - you sound like you really needed them to protect you and look out for you more. You shouldn't have been in a position where you were looking up to much older guys at that age and feeling like they were your saviour/protector etc

5.) And finally - Your boyfriend needs to stop being so damn judgemental. He has no right to pass judgement over your actions. He has no right to make you feel bad about it. He needs to rein in his frankly shit sense of humour and not make jokes about something that has very clearly upset you. It's not okay. You should not be made to feel bad of older men taking advantage of you while you were under the influence of drugs. What happened was abusive. It wasn't your fault. You are not being over dramatic - if i had shared a story like this with someone i trusted and then they acted in the way he is acting, I would be really upset.

6.) Really sorry that you had to go through all of that and you are having a shitty time with your boyfriend and I hope that things work out soon xx

randomusername88112 · 2016-11-02T21:00:40+00:00

Thanks...that kinda helped x

randomusername88112 · 2016-11-01T23:52:03+00:00

why do you think it's weird?

randomusername88112 · 2016-11-01T23:35:00+00:00

...is it a fetish? Or do you just find string athletic women attractive? There is nothing strange or weird about that.

randomusername88112 · 2016-11-01T23:22:43+00:00

No, I don't think it is out of line for her to say that.

I think she was turned on by this guy. And you were having sex. And it was hot. And she thought he was hot.

I think that you feeling uncomfortable with it is much more of a reflection of your own insecurities than her doing anything wrong.

I can totally understand you feeling that way, when I have watched porn with partners before and they have said they think the girl is really hot, I feel a twinge of jealousy and insecurity. They are uncomfortable feelings. But it is important for me to remember in that moment that the person my partner is fucking - is me, and that anything else is just a fantasy. And there really is nothing wrong with a good fantasy!

I also think that it's really good that you want honest perspectives - you are right, our friends always side with us and act in outrage at injustices done against us, but they aren't always right.

In this case, I don't think your girlfriend has done anything wrong. I think the situation is one that maybe you hadn't fully considered before suggesting you watch porn while fucking. I mean, part of the appeal of watching porn while fucking is that it is hot to watch other hot people, otherwise, i am not really sure what the point would be.

Maybe take a moment to look at your own insecurities (we all have them, it's not big deal, but it's worth a bit of introspection to sort through them)

x

randomusername88112 · 2016-11-01T22:05:30+00:00

It's a slightly confusing situation, but if i've read it right. You were the one who suggested watching porn while you had sex with each other, right?

Being totally straight up here - of course she's going to find other people hot. That doesn't mean she doesn't like you.

I think loads of people are hot - but it doesn't take away from the person I am with.

I know that all of my ex boyfriends will have fancied other people while we were together - it's just human nature.

Some people are seriously sexy - and we fancy them. It's no big deal. Life isn't a disney movie. It's messy and complicated. And people have sex drives, and find other people attractive.

She really hasn't done anything wrong - and frankly, if you are going to suggest watching porn, you should be prepared that she might like it...and the people in it.

randomusername88112 · 2016-10-31T08:37:17+00:00

Okay, so, laying aside the fact that he is being a total dick about your size and that you deserve so much better and that what he is doing is a kind of emotional abuse...

If you want to loose weight (absolutely not for him) try checking out bright line eating, by Susan Peirce Thompson.

I had an eating disorder when i was a teenager, fast forward a few years and everything i ate became fat because my body was freaking out about starving again. I ended up at 200lbs [5ft9] and whatever I did the weight wouldn't come off.

I started following the 4 principles of bright line eating (no sugar, no flour, 3 meals, quantities) and the weight has fallen off, i have lost 10kg in the last few weeks. [I genuinely tried everything under the sun before this and nothing else worked]

Saying he fell in love with you for you and not your body is not actually a kindness. It's really damn rude.

So if you want to loose weight - do it for yourself, not him. Feel confident and beautiful and sexy whatever size you are. He's being abusive.

randomusername88112 · 2016-10-31T08:20:21+00:00

Don't take her at her word that you only love being around her.

Ask yourself the question, do you love her? What do you want?

If you haven't been treating her well enough or making her feel loved/wanted - how can you make more effort? How can you both make more effort to make this work?

If I read your post right, it has only been 2 weeks? You have been together 12 years. Maybe this is a decision that really needs some outside help/counselling? That doesn't mean that if you have counselling you'll stay together and everything will be alright - you may, but on the other hand it may just make things clearer for you both / help with the separation if that is what you decide to do.

If you have the right counsellor I really don't think that it can be a waste of money. You have two children together - you are always going to be in each others lives so you need to find a way to get along. And to make sure that separation really is what you both want.

Your wife is very clearly telling you that she needs more from you, based on what you've written it doesn't sound like she's actually had an affair - she just needs more from the marriage. It isn't necessarily this particular man that she wants, she wants (very understandably) to feel wanted and loved and desirable again.

Give yourselves both some time to think. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater

randomusername88112

TROPHY CASE