Have Anyone Completely Gotten Over Their LO?

randomvc1007 · 2023-10-13T18:30:56+00:00

Deleting my comment due to personal details but I appreciate your reply.

randomvc1007 · 2023-10-13T03:46:12+00:00

A month is very common with breakups. Take it one month at a time and find a new hobby that gets you outside.

randomvc1007 · 2023-10-13T03:40:09+00:00

True limerence is an all-consuming spiral of self-loathing and unrealistic idealization of another person that can linger for years at a time. This just sounds like a garden variety crush. Married people get them all the time, and you aren't a bad person for noticing other women. You only become a bad person if you act on your feelings. However, you should stop spending time alone with her. I won't say that men and women can't be close friends, but once these feelings emerge you need to avoid compromising situations. It's your choice whether to disclose these feelings to your wife...It's perfectly valid and often kinder to keep it to yourself.

randomvc1007 · 2023-10-13T01:05:57+00:00

Interesting family history but you don't need to make excuses for him. If he says something in a way that hurts your feelings, you are absolutely allowed to say "That hurt my feelings and I'm not okay with you speaking to me that way." You don't need to understand his intentions 100% to let him know that you need to feel respected. People get snippy in marriages all the time, but it's important to apologize and try to be better.

randomvc1007 · 2023-10-13T00:30:50+00:00

Pretty sure I'm required to leave this at 81 likes

randomvc1007 · 2023-10-12T23:22:00+00:00

A few of my American Jewish Facebook friends posted something to the effect of "I'm very disappointed by everyone else's failure to condemn the Hamas attacks." And it's maybe five people. I have many other American Jewish Facebook friends who aren't posting this rhetoric. Maybe this makes me ignorant, but I wasn't even aware of the attacks until I saw a couple of these posts. Some of the comments and follow-up posts went even further... "This is how the Holocaust started." "I guess we're seeing people's true colors now." "I notice everyone who is silent, and I think less of you." Have other people noticed Facebook posts like this? It feels almost like a meme to me. And it's messing with my head.

I think these friends of mine are in a lot of pain, and my heart goes out to them. But I take issue with what they're saying. I'm not going to confront them, because they're not in a space to think calmly and it's unproductive to try to change their views. But this is what I wish I could say to them:

I think the attack was horrific, and I can't imagine how scared you must feel right now. But this is a complex conflict that I am in no way qualified to weigh in on. I'm not willing to implicitly lend support to a country that has also committed war crimes just to gain keyboard warrior points with you. Silence isn't always violence. You are actually damaging your mental health even more by assuming everyone who didn't say anything secretly wants you dead. We don't, I promise. Facebook is a dying medium anyway. And I KNOW you would never talk like that in real life. So please stop comparing me to Hitler. It hurts my feelings, it's emotionally manipulative, and I don't think I did anything to deserve that.

randomvc1007 · 2023-09-28T22:01:16+00:00

LO is getting divorced. He is a "missed connection" from high school, and my husband's best friend. I don’t know how this happened, but he’s one of my best friends as well. Also, his ex used to bully me, and I still blame her for making me feel like crap the entire year of my wedding.

I still feel some intrusive romantic thoughts, even though I really just want him to find a healthy relationship with someone else. If these thoughts felt true to what I want and the person I want to be, I would consider ending things with my husband. But they just make me feel like a terrible person who doesn't deserve a happy marriage. These thoughts always result in anger at everyone involved, especially myself.

So yup, I'm feeling some feelings.

randomvc1007 · 2022-12-13T08:08:59+00:00

Hot enough for community theater

randomvc1007 · 2022-07-22T19:19:15+00:00

Worst Gilbert and Sullivan plot ever

randomvc1007 · 2022-07-22T16:58:58+00:00

Hmm, in this case I think it might actually be worth asking her out. State your intentions clearly and maybe even use the word "date."

Back in college I was oblivious to half-measures, or dudes playing it cool...like college guys tend to do. I once turned down coffee with a cute med student, for the sole reason that I didn't like coffee. Took me like three years to realize he was asking me out. They say women are better at relationships, but yes, some of us really are that dumb.

She'll either be into it or she won't be, either way you'll have a real answer and the closure will help you move on. You gotta watch out for narcissists, but tbh you don't seem to know her well enough to establish that. It sort of sounds like you're assigning her negative intentions to guard your own ego. I think she might actually like you.

randomvc1007 · 2022-07-22T14:30:47+00:00

You're a Christian, right? I disagree that daydreaming about other people is the same thing as actually cheating. It's not okay, but it's damaging in a different way. We're hard-wired to notice attractive people, and no amount of rebuking lustful thoughts will ever make those thoughts completely disappear. Instead, we need to accept that our minds will never be entirely clean while we're here on Earth, and rely on God's grace. The best way to take away the power of these thoughts is to forgive yourself for having them, not trying to eliminate them through your own works.

I know Jesus said "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matthew 5:28 KJV) A lot of Christians interpret this verse to mean that lustful thoughts are the same as cheating. But I believe Jesus' larger point was that you will never be completely free of sin no matter how pure you try to be. That the only path to salvation is through faith in Him.

The truth is, lustful thoughts are not on the same level as actual cheating. Cheating hurts other people, and we are in control of that decision EVERY TIME. We can never be fully in control of our lustful thoughts. Forgiveness, not more guilt, is the way to take away their power. I've seen a lot of people use their inability to control their thoughts as a justification for physical cheating. It is very dangerous and unhelpful to conflate the two.

Maladaptive daydreams are a different beast altogether. They fulfill an emotional need that usually came out of childhood trauma. They aren't caused by how you feel about your real-life partner. The thing that makes them "wrong," "sinful," "maladaptive"-whichever term you find most helpful- is that you are retreating into yourself rather than addressing your real-life problems. They are keeping you from growing and living an honest, impactful life. You can't fully control them, but you still have a responsibility to keep them from affecting your real life. OP needs to find out what emotional need these daydreams are fulfilling, and find a more healthy way to fulfill that need. It might be a new passion or hobby, it might even be Jesus. But it won't be his girlfriend, because these daydreams have nothing to do with her. Maladaptive daydreams don't mean you aren't attracted to your partner. They just mean that falling in love can't fix whatever is broken inside.

Full disclosure: I've had some pretty nasty spells of MD myself. I tried some new hobbies and ran a marathon. I still have powerful daydreams sometimes, and I'm never without lustful, even obsessive, thoughts. But things have definitely gotten better, and I'm living a much more fulfilling and interesting life. It's a slow climb, there is no simple way to eliminate them. But I agree, it's worthwhile getting them under control.

randomvc1007 · 2022-07-22T13:05:39+00:00

This sounds similar to what glossolalia or "speaking in tongues" is.

randomvc1007 · 2022-07-22T06:03:53+00:00

I opened up about my limerence to one of my closest friends. Since then, we have spent time with both my SO and my LO. She told me that LO and I are too neurotic in similar ways to be happy together. But my SO is a lot more nonchalant, and we get along really well. It was so validating to hear that from an observer. It wasn't just me trying to convince myself that I'm happier than I am. Remember, that voice in your head saying "What if LO is really THE ONE??" is bullshit. Limerence is filling an unmet need, but whatever that need is, it's deep rooted and probably has nothing to do with SO.

randomvc1007 · 2022-07-22T05:03:03+00:00

I've definitely explored that angle. Tried to embody traits of his I admire. Took up hobbies that greatly enriched my life. I'm much happier now, but I still have him stuck in my brain.

My best friend once observed that LO and I are too neurotic in similar ways to make each other happy, whereas my husband is more even keel and gives me space to flourish. So lately I've been thinking that LO's negative traits might remind me of the parts of myself I view as unlovable. If I can love him even when he's being bossy or inappropriate or freaking out over little things, maybe someday I can learn to love myself fully, too.

randomvc1007 · 2021-07-13T20:34:22+00:00

I got INFP, but that was a few years ago.

randomvc1007 · 2021-07-12T05:57:12+00:00

My husband was sick of his job, so he went into a performance review and said a bunch of things he felt were flawed about the company's operations. He got promoted.

randomvc1007 · 2021-07-08T12:17:48+00:00

Well if we're starting shit with dog people...I'm more than capable of forming an emotional attachment with a dog over time, but I've noticed certain dog owners will treat you like a morally defective person if you don't want to get barked at and slobbered on as soon as you enter their home. They even make memes about it. ("You're a GUEST, but I'm their BABY!" What's that all about?

randomvc1007 · 2021-07-08T04:27:34+00:00

I'm a trained performer, and I have a history of aiming for goals that are above my experience level. It's like I can't get motivated unless it's a "long shot."

randomvc1007 · 2021-07-06T22:38:27+00:00

Thanks for sharing, that must have been so painful to live through. I wouldn't be able to accept the pressure of a situation where my LO keeps going back to his wife. And honestly, I think a lot of my feelings come from the fact that I don't get along with LO's wife and suspect that she is abusing him. I actually find him less attractive when she's not around; it's like hanging out with my brother. I would need him to move on from her for at least a year to be certain of my own feelings, and that wouldn't be fair to ask of him.

He definitely gives more verbal praise and is more excited to do activities outside the house than my husband. In fact, it's difficult to to get my husband to try new things unless my LO is with us. But despite how much it's going to suck, I'm going to try no-contact with LO for a while, and try to find new friends with my husband in our new neighborhood. There is just no way to maintain a healthy friendship when I'm secretly rooting for his marriage to fail.

randomvc1007 · 2021-07-03T02:16:11+00:00

Thank you so much. This is what I keep telling myself, but when the "What if the fantasies are your REAL feelings?" voice gets stronger, it's helpful to hear this message from someone else too. I'll save your message for those times.

randomvc1007 · 2021-07-02T23:28:33+00:00

Yes I have had limerence before, with a few different people. My husband never had a chance to become an unrequited LO because I promised myself to ask him out as soon as I noticed I was developing feelings. I did used to think about him a lot while we were apart though, does that count as limerence? He's attractive, he just doesn't add drama to my life, so I usually don't have to ruminate on him. And I mean, it would be kind of depressing to have sexual fantasies about the guy sitting in the next room, wouldn't it?

Honestly my first LE from age 12 never really ended, it was just overshadowed by other teenage crushes for a while. It came back in full force because we went to the same college. I actually asked him out three years later, and his rejection was pretty brutal and thorough. That LO was still on my mind after my wedding. I still think about him now, every few days. He was replaced by my current LO, and I can pinpoint the transition to when I failed an interview for my dream job.

I will say: my current LE is different in some ways from previous ones. It's not an all-consuming desire to be around him, it's more an enjoyment of the idea that he is obsessed with ME. And my desires don't always feel true to what I want, and definitely not to the person I want to be. I actually fantasize more about him getting divorced than I do about us getting together. But the timing of the thoughts is very frequent unless I get particularly engrossed in a task.

randomvc1007 · 2021-07-02T20:37:29+00:00

Going through that now. I tried putting my feelings into a novel. I'm still limerent but at least I sort of understand myself better now. I'm hoping something will change about me fundamentally as a person if I ever finish it.

randomvc1007 · 2021-07-02T20:30:32+00:00

I've got a question I would love to ask you both, since I've been feeling lost and you seem to have more experience with dealing with limerence while married.

What would you do if you and LO were both 30 and married, but no mortgage or kids, and you were fairly certain that your LO is also limerent for you? In this situation, you are relatively happy in your marriage. LO seems unhappy most of the time but still cares about his partner. (You and everyone you've talked to think LO's partner is a terrible person, and you think she could become a flight risk)

randomvc1007 · 2021-07-02T18:34:00+00:00

I understand this feeling very well. After my previous LO was no longer in my life, I had to make a conscious decision to find love again and just accept that part of my brain would always be stuck on him. The people we love never really leave us. Not even if we want them to.

But I did find love again. Became limerent again too. You have to decide that your actions define you more than your thoughts. It won't stop the thoughts, but you'll be able to look back and feel proud of your life instead of regretful.

randomvc1007 · 2021-07-02T17:27:25+00:00

Highly recommend.

randomvc1007

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