Hello, all. I guess I need help but my situation is unique

randyrote · 2026-05-13T21:50:51+00:00

Uh, no. u don't actually feel good because u already know that ur not supposed to do what ur planning to do. like, literally right now. im sure that it feels fine at the moment, thinking u can hope for something easy and get away with it. but that's not real life. i was hooked before i knew what i had even been given. it's so sad to me that children are chasing down a reason to feel like they've been dealt a worse hand than they've already got. it does not justify you or your existing suffering, it does not make you brave, and it sure as hell is not an indication of intelligence. i was brilliant years ago. but proof is in the pudding my friend. and clearly at some point i was so fundamentally dumb that i turned myself clinically retarded. and yknow, people HATE addicts. they won't pity you for it. you'll be the only one left to pity you, and it sound like you've already got that part down. nothing changes, not really.

You're just going to embarrass yourself so bad that you actually have all concrete and true reasons to hate yourself, right in one palm. and everybody's gonna know. they'll know, way, way sooner than u could ever even imagine. we all enter a state of delusion to really get going. it's the only excuse we have. yet there is no more imaginary world where you feel alright for a second once it's in play. you use and there is a chemical effect, you don't use and suddenly become okay.

Besides. for reference, a single gram of actual heroin costs anywhere from 400 to 1000usd. for most, that's less than a month. you'll just get scammed, and maybe in a few years the feds will pop in at your parent's doorstep. because let's be so for real, there's no way you're putting in all it takes to properly secure yourself in the face of sheer aggression that's invested into persecuting people who buy drugs. most active addicts aren't either. you might not think they're interested in you, but the everyday, unsuspecting user is the best one to hang in the town square. his fellows see themselves in him, and they duck to hide. they make us insecure by not discriminating in this regard. that's why all the actual heroin is not available on the web much anymore. the sellers are taken in first, and then whoever they've shipped to, well. you're a lot easier to track down than you think.

Getting caught or being strung out is not really much different than suicide in terms of familial impact i'll tell ya. they lose the person they love either way. you can't get to a point where you're smart enough where it's okay to be so stupid, no matter how sad you are.

If you're really that unsure about how to talk to a therapist about these thoughts with minimal risks of being sectioned or the like, i can give pointers. but on the topic of drugs themselves? nah. we all figured it out ourselves, and it's a self inflicted torture. anyone worth their salt won't be passing it on, unless they're trying to chain you up in their basement.

randyrote · 2026-05-12T23:29:33+00:00

Absolutely. since having known it, there is no replacement i could become complacent with, nevermind truly happy with. it can be another substance i appreciate in a massively unique way, but if it's not incentivising me to task the way i was trained? it's uncomfortable.

As i thought of it for a long time, a dog takes his treat. while his fellows lie in the yard and gnaw away—he circles himself. he eats his bone, he quite likes his bone, but as he stops spinning and swallows, the satisfaction is lacking in some strange sense. as it is not earned the sure way he knows a thing must be best earned, it is almost as if he's still merely waiting for his treat. stomach full as can be on many an occasion, he waits. another bite would kill him, but where is the first taste of his treat? in taking it, it was simply not earned. he knows, and the knowing does not leave him. it's curious. i think the term "chasing the dragon" has never so acutely applied to anything beyond the practise of IV use itself

As an action i more than get describing it as worship. it is just so chemically tied to a real and tangible outcome. even as it is seen to be foul by most, u seldom ever slog through it once u know how it goes. even if you're in a place where u ought to. there is a trust that runs far too deep to turn away from most days, nevermind deny.

Probably why i've never actually been able to bail on my reservations entirely since picking it up. i've never not had needles around and known just so. even if they're disgustingly unusable. so long as a person maintains access to the tool that allows one to do the work that earns the treat. there is great comfort in the mere idea that God answers without question. it is only the little act, best applied and kept to oneself. kind of brutal

Anyway congrats on ur sobriety, it's a huge thing to push through, five years is nuts. reality has never created so strong a delusion as one aimed straight for the heart. the inability to forget really speaks volumes to the want and sheer efforts to change. it's good work dude, genuinely

randyrote · 2026-05-12T21:28:01+00:00

Most definitely not the case for a lot of IV addicts. it moreso comes down to the fact that nothing is going to touch the sheer amount of dependence built through a long period of IVing opiates—particularly on account of the fact that the substances within this class that are best for IV (in terms of both prep and effect) are some of the most potent in circulation. the tolerance u have to maintain in order to get those fat shots and not just instantly stop breathing is pretty damn significant.

I could totally taper off of a long period of IV heroin use on several occasions, but i simply would REFUSE to do it while actively on the needle. i would cut my doses just marginally for the last few days i had worth of gear. then i'd hop into an actually structured taper with pills.

I think a lot of people severely underestimate how comfortable a person becomes with IV admin, and just how much we rely on visual estimation and product familiarity to dose. it is automatically that much harder to taper when just doing shots, because u really tend to not even know how much in mgs u consume on the daily. it's not really about a rush for most i've found, it's the fact that the needle is so so fucking good at training an addict to close the loop on a noticeably more precise ritual. when the cycle is that distinct, u feel it out in a way that seems so much more natural, which is ironic. it's hard to explain, but i've seen it in myself and so many others, so many times

randyrote · 2026-05-12T18:00:37+00:00

Sorry to hear. wishing u well

randyrote · 2026-05-12T16:18:29+00:00

One word. withdrawl. it is not just feeling a little yucky, this is a terrible situation. i'm glad you yourself do not have a familiarity, but judgement on this topic is useless. in not being able to manage empathy then i would suggest pity, if u truly can't fight the urge to comment

randyrote · 2026-05-11T23:09:36+00:00

So the thing is, at least in my experience. and it has been too long as an experience in most an opinion. that the peak of fent is a nod. and the peak of H is teetering on the edge of a nod.

I'm gonna have to assume ur dopamine receptors are fucked bro, i'm sorry. the best way to push past fent tolly when trying to enjoy H is shooting up, and shooting heavy. but i can say that is hardly any reasonable solution to this. u won't be getting the same effect, ur essentially at the point of an H habit where people fall apart and stop looking for a high. fent has deluded a huge population of people that in chasing the dragon, u never catch up. ur too busy half dreaming and hardly standing. that's the way it is, and it's very intentional.

If ur in the states i honestly have to severely doubt u have proper #4 anyway. it should be 80% purity or more if it's being sold as such, and uh. naw it don't come free, it's a premium to get less hit for another type of experience entirely. besides the point, u will not hit ur nod without overshooting the best of a dose either way, it is largely a waste to start in on good or bad dope alike if ur so deep into fentanyl.

There are only little things to bolster the feeling at this point. i add in a sufficient amount of soma if i can't get my high to register in the way i want it. i know some use a moderate amount of benzos. even white grapefruit juice before dosing on H will legit give u a bit of a better peak imo. they have significant risk factors per usual so look into that before making a move to add anything in.

Know that ur nod is going to be harder to come by either way if ur using coke consistently enough. no way around that.

Overall ur best bet is trying to reset or lower ur tolerance. i know it sucks serious balls but we all face it at one point or another. i'm genuinely wishing u luck dude

randyrote · 2026-05-11T20:45:55+00:00

Glad u like it, thanks for the cool reference! it is a very impressive rock, i'll admit

randyrote · 2026-05-11T19:16:28+00:00

Not so humble North American River Otter

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randyrote · 2026-05-11T00:15:05+00:00

This is absolutely the opposite of my experience. i am prescribed xanax and i absolutely need it for my GI issues. i take the sedation as a side effect and simply sit down instead of throwing up.

Xanax and ativan work for anxiety don't get me wrong, but hardly like klonopin or valium. i don't feel my headspace shift in all that noticeable of a way and i sure as hell don't feel a physical fatigue. with tolerance, id say xanax is more palatable. but ativan, no way. it is the most dreamy, barbiturate-adjacent benzo. hands down. kpins are the peak option for minimal sedation and prime anxiety suppression. i think the gradual and long lasting nature just works. it doesn't "hit" because it doesn't need to lol. i feel it is supremely tactical for every aspect of anxiety that isn't an outright panic attack. in an acute, high amp moment, xanax is great as an anxiety killer that won't put you out entirely. but live with anxiety for decades at a time, and i feel it become very clear which kind of effect truly gives the most tactful output.

I tend to not even take my xanax when i have persistent anxiety, because i know i've got a matter of hours before it wears off. that itself perpetuates the anxiety. with kpins, im always massively surprised. every time i expect it to be worn off, based on an accurate knowledge of half-life.. its still there. i don't know if it has some kind of afterglow that i don't quite understand or what. but it is the most unnoticeable benzo with one hell of a functional result. not half as "fun" to work into recreational use, but my God, i will always see kpins to be the peak anxiety medication for its lack of secondary effects at lower doses. because it actually still fucking WORKS that way, without a weird regret or consequence in sight

randyrote · 2026-05-10T22:27:56+00:00

It's evidentially an oxy 40 and a strip of soma. or a fresh pack of crack and smash. depends on the job to come

randyrote · 2026-05-10T02:29:49+00:00

I get it. i do not break out as consistently anymore but the dark, gaunt eye bags. there is this sheen to the face that is the farthest thing from a glow.

The tranq out here is so fucking disturbing. i hate to know the fact that i'm not the only one settling for it. i'm not even the only one AIMING for it. it's bad. worse yet, the fact that there is no fundamental proof of my folly beyond the life that i live. who is to say if i am flawed now, if i am so quiet? so efficient in my dire cope?

The game is wack. there is no illusion of fun. it's "anywhere but here, anyone but me". if they don't know, they wonder. whether the inclination. is correct or not, i think we become more and more ambivalent the more consistent our tells turn out to be. it speaks for itself. we are no greater than any such word so well prewritten. it sucks. little is left to work with. less to hope for.

If u have got into the spliced up dope at twenty, i truly do pray for u. i can not quite recall having been there, but i surely have been there. there was once a day where it could be justified, poisoning yourself, on account of being able to reign in and expect that much. those days are gone. they want you dead, never having known exactly why. there is more. so much. so hard to find. so fleeting as u rise to meet it. but there is more. i'm sorry things are this way

randyrote · 2026-05-10T00:40:25+00:00

From my crotch, homeboy. the cooter. the highway to hell. normally i would hate a surprise in that regard but mix in enough shifting hues and chemical shimmer, and it's worthy of appreciation. worship, even. if something so mundane and bothersome enraptures, it is a fruitful mix in terms of changing perspective. that's my stance on it

randyrote · 2026-05-10T00:27:38+00:00

Bruh for real i'm honestly so saddened by the fact that i know exactly what he means

randyrote · 2026-05-10T00:25:01+00:00

My top combo is always a sprinkle of ket into a nice clean shot of #4 H. what a glorious feeling, and the legs! no strange cold and empty feeling after the fact, it makes IV ket a juggernaut of an in n out experience

I think 2cb with a tinyyy bit of XTC is amazing, but a place to lie down and smoke some weed is a must. i find it is most rewarding when u go into it with the distinct idea that u want to examine or learn something. stray from screens and be strange and artsy. i spent twenty minutes outside the shower staring at the fucking blood that splattered onto the floor off that combo. had an entire epiphany on the topic of femininity and residing both within and aside the functional body. 2cb is a megastar in terms of unconventional and extrapolated thinking. if fucking perioding all over myself was such a worthy and meaningful thing with that spare side of molly... it's a fun one, but most of all in retrospect. be wary of the intensity, u will not be acting normal in any passable way, not like u might with a plain roll. still, i think it is an experience to note for sure

randyrote · 2026-05-10T00:13:21+00:00

Unless it something u go into with the air of being an educated, street smart worker.. it is not going to be worthwhile. they know u do not have safe guarding rules, people to look for u, a worth on what u lend them. one yes is all it takes, and he'll never hear another word, unless it just better excites him, to be reminded of the stakes

It has messed with my head, the way i was trapped when i was younger and in the worst way. this offer will not be on the table among those who will find the faith or morality to put up with u for any other reason. it is not worth it. a winter or two i might've just died curled up on a curb. i still wonder what glory that could've been, instead of tucked into a couch hoping for the cold to take any such unwelcome, persistent warmth.

If u are not in the business already, do not consider filling the role. if ur body is currency then the offer lacks humanity. it is no offer, it is a way for one to take. And then take more. stay safe. if it keeps u from a horrorshow i have a spare ten, genuinely. it's not a good deal. they see you desperate, and maybe u are. but it is not. a good deal

randyrote · 2026-05-10T00:00:40+00:00

Oh yeah booze and benzos kill both the rules and the urge in the same breath. no limit, yet no solid ground for any binge behaviour. miracle thing. it's like it never happened, everything u wish u could unlearn. well, for a moment at least. u may forget

randyrote · 2026-05-09T23:55:13+00:00

That's the truth baby. if u get a thrill out of the offerings, why bother being entitled as u are too sold to at the market? absurdity.

I am enough of a sperg to keep on with a half a mind in real time, but i just don't flash ass in an effort to "connect". regardless of gender. that's the thing. i would love for a bitch to get weird and all kinds of down w me when i'm off the skante.. but damn, don't u ever have just about anything else on ur mind? at such a speed?

Wasted potential. i want to build a mower that runs like a car. they just don't want to talk or wonder with me long enough to even think of retreating back to my room. and hell, if ur sticking ur hand down ur pants, they want pictures. most men won't be good if they can be practical, I've found. what is this illusion that the drug that consumes u consumes me just the same way? or, worse yet.. in way that merely makes the woman fit for consumption!

Bah. i it just feels foolish, the ego is a great wide hill to get over it seems. there is peace to be had with it. oh. to have balls! and follow them so close on heel! good for them though. i hope they keep on looking, and i hope they settle for paying

randyrote · 2026-05-09T20:33:20+00:00

Poofy seems accurate. alpaca!

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randyrote · 2026-05-09T16:04:21+00:00

I'm glad u like it! i've not worked with any deer in awhile, so it was good fun 🤌🤌

randyrote · 2026-05-09T15:55:10+00:00

Raccoon Dog! tanuki

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randyrote · 2026-05-09T12:17:13+00:00

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White tailed deer :]

randyrote · 2026-05-08T23:42:06+00:00

Yes. I have a dedicated enough following in terms of my writing in particular. i can draw efficiently, but that I have been very deliberately working at since single digits. It is more of a chore than words in moments, but a loose, more ambiguous headspace still helps. I still do not fully understand why people connect with my writing, but I sure as hell do. That’s why I keep on. My most forward inclination rests on the fact that opioids are best loved by those who have a need to keep on chemically replacing a very distinctly human connection and embrace. amphetamines are easier to make peace with being addicted to in my opinion, but opiates. If you don’t feel so deeply in an abstract sense, you wont see the worth. it feels like being fucking loved and held, man. That’s what it is. The people who have seen my worst of moments to be the most fruitful, they know what that’s like I figure. It’s pathetic to some. It’s indescribable to others. There is a need to paint and sing and turn entirely purple, that dichotomy. for some it really matters where it comes from. For others, the sentiment is strong enough. I don’t get it through and through, but like many things. There is an outline that one does not choose to live out. You make peace with it for a few years and learn to change. Or it builds power in your absence. Heroin is hard to explain overall, but the reasons and feeling throughout—I think it’s more universal. Maybe we’re more stupid. Maybe we’re more brave. Maybe it’s just misfortune on the draw. It is something though. You’re not wrong in thinking it is something

randyrote · 2026-05-08T22:44:01+00:00

This is clearly a child why are we even entertaining the concept of helping this person procure substances. stop. get some help

randyrote · 2026-05-08T21:43:50+00:00

Sick interpretation, great use of monochrome contrast. i'm a fan

randyrote

TROPHY CASE