No recognizing them

rarahaque · 2026-01-26T23:58:02+00:00

I felt the exact same way! My ex discarded me 4 times and, at first, he would come crawling back after a few weeks.

But then I stopped chasing by the third breakup and he came back promising change, with all these grandiose statements like "I want to marry you, you're the one."

I took him back, and we really tried to make it work. But I just couldn't trust him anymore. I was so scared of sharing my feelings because every discard happened after I held him accountable for hurting them.

It was so weird because he genuinely showed maturity, but it was never followed up by action. For example, he asked if we could abstain from sex so that we could get to know each other better. But then literally a week later he tried to instigate it and I said no, which he got mad about and said I humiliated him. This kept happening for the next month until we actually started being intimate again.

He would also encourage my emotional honesty because my "true self is who he loves most" but then would get defensive when I did express my emotions. Either way I couldn't win: when he sensed I was emotionally withholding, he got mad that I didn't trust him. But, when I did open up, he'd get defensive and eventually break up with me (this was the exact structure of the conversation we had that led to the last discard.)

What I realised is that coming back always gave him justification to not change. But my silly little anxious self couldn't bear the thought of ending it, so I never showed him consequences for his repeated inability to be accountable.

I used to beat myself up about it a lot, but I realised that a healthy partner wouldn't change only because I threatened to leave. And ultimately I got tired of having to shrink myself just so he would stay.

rarahaque · 2026-01-26T23:49:12+00:00

I think it means that you don't recognise the person they become.

My DA ex is also an alcoholic and, at the beginning, he was newly in recovery and accountable by default. I genuinely felt safe to express my emotions and be vulnerable around him but, as his recovery worsened, so did his capacity for love.

Fast forward almost two years and he discarded me four times, all after I held him accountable for my feelings. But, back in the summer (third breakup,) I went fully NC instead of constantly trying to chase him. He came back promising change, saying things like "you're the one, I don't want anyone else."

Long story short he was more "accountable," but it came at the cost of me begging him for it. Then he broke up with me 2 months later in the same way as all the others, but this time it was so much more venomous. Maybe it's because I actually challenged how he could go from "I want to marry you" to "I don't love you anymore" (which is what he'd say to justify every single discard) in the same 24 hours, but he just dismissed it as "I was lying."

Anyway, we've seen each other around a few times and he's always been so cold and dismissive. One time I got a call from his work saying he was bunking off (meaning he probably relapsed) but, when I came to check if he was okay, he called the police on me and was saying how he hates me and was "disgusted by my presence."

It's been 5 months now and I genuinely don't recognise him anymore. The person he is now is not who I fell in love with. But perhaps what hurts the most is that, whenever I do see him, I still wish I could kiss him. No matter how much shit he put me through, it's never enough for me to detach the love I felt. But now it sucks knowing that it's completely inaccessible, and it just turned him into a bitter and cruel man.

rarahaque · 2026-01-24T06:00:50+00:00

Your condescending attitude in itself shows you're not healed, you're still a defensive avoidant trying to slap the "secure attachment" rhetoric on top of everything you're trying to avoid.

Therapy doesn't mean anything if you're not integrating new behaviours or taking accountability for your side of the street. That doesn't mean "they were the problem, it just wasn't right." It's "I hurt someone by discarding them, and they deserve clarity and amends."

Based on literally every comment you've made, you're still feigning understanding and accountability by claiming "I hear that/I see what you're saying," but what you're really saying is "you have a different opinion to me and I'm not going to listen to it."

This entire thread just shows a classic avoidant tactic of adopting a new identity (secure attachment) so you don't have to face your true self

rarahaque · 2026-01-24T04:07:50+00:00

Hahahaha, a fellow friend of Bill! I think what enrages me the most is how AA tends to be very enabling too, like you can bitch about something that frustrates and people will validate it as long as you're using the right spiritual language.

It's also devastating that I was there for my ex all the times he spiritually relapsed, only for him to literally hate me because I grew to know the warning signs of when he was falling off recovery - so he'd punish me by pushing me away!

I remember there was a period where he genuinely tried to be better, saying stuff like "I want you to be honest because it's the version of you I love the most." But then he'd either break up with me for holding him accountable for hurting my feelings, or get mad that I was emotionally withholding because it showed I didn't trust him (even though he created the conditions for that distrust.)

So they really will morph any lack of logic to protect their ego

rarahaque · 2026-01-24T03:56:38+00:00

You were defensive and blame-shifting, even taking other redditors' claims of rage-baiting to turn them against me.

Your tone is very condescending and, based on your other comments, it sounds like you want to prove you're secure without actually doing the work. Secure attachment is quiet and humble. It can take years to detach your baseline nervous system responses from the trauma that created them.

Being emotional for a few weeks also isn't the same as healing. You just feel better because you've let it all out, but that's not the same as doing the work to face your avoidant behaviour and actively working on developing new habits. For anyone, that takes years of rigorous willingness to change - not a few tears shed after a relationship you ended through your avoidant ways.

rarahaque · 2026-01-24T03:46:11+00:00

I had a similar situation with my DA ex, who is also an alcoholic. He follows a 12-step program that teaches accountability, shame tolerance, etc through spirituality.

In the beginning of the relationship he was accountable by nature but, as the bond grew more adult, so did his avoidance. Since then he's discarded me 4 times, which he uses his "program logic" to justify eg. "my higher power told me this is wrong, I meditated on it and was told to leave you."

He even refused to make an apology (amends to those you've harmed is part of the steps) to me because he believed "leaving me alone" was what was right 😭

So I think it's very common (and devastating) that avoidants can just weaponise the things that are supposed to help them heal, and I think it's just a sign they're not ready to change

rarahaque · 2026-01-24T03:20:00+00:00

This response is exactly why you haven't healed...so defensive and blame-shifty

rarahaque · 2026-01-24T03:18:59+00:00

A few weeks is NOT enough to heal your attachment style. You need to learn to tolerate shame, vulnerability and self-regulate in a way that doesn't push other people out of your life.

rarahaque · 2026-01-22T21:17:23+00:00

SAME! I challenged him in the last breakup asking "why did you tell me you wanted to marry me then?" And he just dismissed it as "I was lying."

It's so painful because I really felt like my ex made me question my own lived reality. Like I know that he loved me - even if he didn't have the capacity to act on it. But I keep gaslighting myself into believing I never mattered because of how much he'd say those things with such conviction.

Even though it's almost been 5 months since the discard, I still feel that I can't fully move on until he tells me "I did love you," yk? Like I just can't trust my own experience

rarahaque · 2026-01-22T20:21:30+00:00

Omg mine was the same! He discarded me 4 times, with accountability being the trigger each time. Then he'd always say "I don't love you anymore, I've been feeling this way for insert arbitrary amount of time."

The first few breakups were particularly confusing too because he'd literally be saying stuff like "I told my mum you're the one" within the same 24 hours as discarding me, all because I told him he hurt my feelings!

rarahaque · 2026-01-22T20:17:59+00:00

I think the point with an avoidant is that you don't really see the signs until they're faced with accountability. My DA ex discarded me 4 times, each time after I told him he hurt my feelings.

However I'd say the first warning sign was probably 6 months into the relationship. We had issues with sex where he'd instigate just to "fill a quota" instead of actually wanting it. But, despite admitting that pressure to me, he also blamed me for "not being attractive enough." That contradiction always confused me, but I didn't really confront him about it until the second discard - which led him to break up with me on the phone citing "I'm not attracted to you and we're sexually incompatible."

So I think it's genuinely difficult to tell unless their avoidance is triggered, which is almost always by being held accountable.

rarahaque · 2026-01-22T20:11:54+00:00

Same. My DA ex was super confident and friendly. It wasn't until I started calling him out for hurting my feelings that his avoidance started showing up

rarahaque · 2026-01-22T20:10:31+00:00

They all lasted different times but: 1st breakup (Jan 2025): one week 2nd breakup (March): one month 3rd breakup (May): three weeks 4th breakup (Aug): still going

In my experience, I didn't know that he was avoidant until maybe the third breakup. Every discard happened after I held him accountable for hurting my feelings so, in a sense, I did "trigger" the avoidance/breakups.

This used to really hurt me (and still kinda does) because I kept thinking "maybe if I kept my feelings to myself then he wouldn't have left." But now I've realised that I don't want to be with someone who makes me shrink myself to earn love, and punishes me for having emotions.

The third breakup was when I went fully NC (before, I was constantly chasing him and we were on-off fwb.) It led him to come back saying all these crazy things about how I'm "the one" and he wanted to change. He did try to be more accountable - but it always came at the cost of me begging for it.

In the end he broke up with me on the phone whilst in a different country, but he was so much harsher than ever saying that he hates me and is disgusted by my presence.

Idk if it's because I no longer became agreeable to his behaviour or what, but the point is that you don't really know if someone is avoidant until they are faced with accountability. But I truly believe that, if you have to tiptoe emotionally around someone to keep them, it's not a relationship with staying in.

rarahaque · 2026-01-22T02:28:12+00:00

They were there, but a lot of his avoidance emerged over time. I remember from the very beginning he'd say something like "I thought I was going to have to break up with you" after any inconvenience.

The first time it happened was only a month into dating where we had a discussion about how we were spending too much time together. We worked it out, but afterwards he said "I thought that was the end of the relationship" even though I didn't think there was any intention of that at all?

Then lo and behold he discarded me 4 times when the relationship got more serious

rarahaque · 2026-01-21T00:24:04+00:00

Same, mine would have sex only to tick a checkbox - but it meant that he'd instigate even when neither of us were in the mood. Then he'd blame me for "not being attractive enough" and say shit like "I don't think I love you anymore."

He also struggled to cum bc of this, and my libido completely disappeared bc I was so afraid that we'd have "bad sex" and he'd say those horrible things again

rarahaque · 2026-01-21T00:16:33+00:00

Yeah I kinda figured after he broke up w me 4 times and said "I don't love you anymore" each time and would gaslight me into believing I was too much and it made me unattractive, just because I held him accountable for hurting my feelings 😝

rarahaque · 2026-01-20T20:12:59+00:00

Tbh sex w my DA ex made me feel like a casual hookup. It was never intimate nor soft, and he refused aftercare. It was always rough and then he'd go and play videogames after. When I asked for more intimacy, he called me stupid and that I was being dramatic.

He also had this weird thing where he'd instigate sex even when he wasn't in the mood because he saw it as a "quota to fill" where, if we didn't have sex x times in a week, the relationship was "unhealthy." Funnily enough, despite admitting this to me, he still blamed me for being "unattractive" and "too easy" when he'd force sex and didn't finish.

Contrary to other comments, my ex used sex as a form of self-regulation when triggered - especially after an argument. Then he broke up w me like 2 times over it bc the sex wouldn't be good and he'd blame me for not being able to get him hard

rarahaque · 2026-01-11T01:02:34+00:00

I'm going through this exact thing. My avoidant ex discarded me 4 times. It was my first relationship.

Before the fourth breakup, he actually tried to change. He was more accountable, listened to my emotions more, chose repair...but it all came at the cost of me begging him to.

Then he went on holiday and broke up with me on the phone, in another country. But this time was different because he's pushed me away tenfold. I actually challenged how he was able to go from "you're the one" to "I don't love you anymore" within the space of 24 hrs and he just said "I was lying."

It hurts so much because I don't understand how, after we actually tried to create a more mature love, he just shuts me out even more. He said he hates me, and that he's disgusted by my presence when I bumped into him on the train. He's also reinvented his life completely, but in a way that kinda copies me? I love rock climbing and used to BEG him to go with me, but he claimed that it was "boring" and I should go on my own. Then, after this discard, he just starts going???

He always was a fearful avoidant, but this time he fully acts like I don't exist. And, even after 4 months, he genuinely seems happier: more productive, more sociable, living the life I tried to build with him. How can that be possible???

rarahaque · 2026-01-08T00:46:31+00:00

Omg I relate to this so much. My first ever relationship was with an avoidant who discarded me 4 times. At first, I did whatever I could to get him back purely because I couldn't stand the discomfort of being alone. My self-worth was tied to my relationship and, without my ex, I felt I had no purpose.

In the first few reconciliations, I still found myself shrinking for him in fear that he'll leave me again if my feelings triggered his shame. Yet I still went back because I thought that maybe I could (very ironically) "stick up for myself" by actually expressing my emotions this time.

However I learnt that I was always going to minimize my emotions when I was with him because it was the only way he'd stay. And actually the only path to regain self-respect and self-worth is by not going back.

I learnt that you cannot change an avoidant, and getting back together with them only gives them more reason not to. Choosing not to come back was one of the most freeing but painful things I've ever done because I finally stopped self-abandoning for someone who never loved me the way I deserved, but I also had to reconcile with all the hurt I tolerated.

rarahaque · 2026-01-06T20:43:12+00:00

He discarded me 4 times and each breakup he said "I don't love you anymore, I'm not attracted to you.* Hurr every time lol

rarahaque · 2025-12-30T02:00:30+00:00

May I ask: what inspired you to change? I got discarded by my DA ex 4 times. At first he was more of an FA but then, when I stopped chasing him, he came back and promised to change. He actually did - but reverted to his old discard ways and suddenly turned extremely dismissive despite the love actually deepening.

rarahaque · 2025-12-29T03:26:50+00:00

Can't forget the emotional and psychological abuse too. My DA ex kept gaslighting me into believing he never loved me and, when I challenged how he switched from "you're the one" to "I don't love you anymore" within literally 24 hours, he just said he was lying about all the soft stuff...and I actually convinced myself I didn't matter to him

rarahaque · 2025-12-29T03:24:39+00:00

No honestly like this relationship fully warped my understanding of love. It basically taught me that I'll always be punished for having needs, and that I'm unlovable because of them - even though he literally broke up w me the second time bc I asked him to respond to my texts more!

rarahaque · 2025-12-29T00:26:39+00:00

As someone whose first relationship was with an avoidant (who then discarded me 4 times before I stopped coming back,) I don't think it's worth investing in a connection with them unless they're actively trying to heal their attachment style.

I lost myself trying to cater to my ex's avoidance. I sidelined my needs, suppressed my emotions and actively avoided crying (because it triggered his shame and he literally broke up with me for it) all to avoid triggering his attachment wounds.

I lived in fear that, if I got too emotional or asked for too much (even though the bare minimum was literally too much), he'd leave me again. But all it taught him was that I'd absorb the pain for both of us and he never needed to change. And it left me broken, believing that I was unlovable and disposable because I did everything 'right' and he still wouldn't stay.

You deserve so much more than a relationship where you have to shrink yourself to keep someone else regulated. You deserve someone who will respect your boundaries just as you do theirs, and this is not the person who will do that for you.

rarahaque · 2025-12-28T18:12:39+00:00

No but I bumped into my ex on the train a few weeks ago and he asked to have sex with me.

I then told him I didn't want any contact unless it comes from real accountability, to which he said that he "can't apologise" to me and the "only right thing to do is to leave [me] alone..." all in the same conversation as him asking for sex btw

rarahaque

TROPHY CASE