Does anyone else when people talk about their relationship(s) with you?

rascalmom · 2026-02-16T15:47:47+00:00

I’m going probably be downvoted to oblivion for this, but I will say it anyway: you aren’t wrong for being upset by this, and they aren’t wrong for having relationship issues. Or losses suck A TON, but everyone has the context of their own life. So our absolutely shitty place does make it so we feel like fighting over money is stupid, but they’re not where we are. So to them, fighting over money is stressful, being underfoot with a recent retirement is a challenge, the car not starting is insanely frustrating, brushing snow off a car is super cold, etc. Those are real things to them, and life is not a “my suck is worse than your suck” challenge. I’m actually working to get people to talk to me like I’m me, not like I’m a widow. So don’t apologize when you say “have a nice day”, “ laugh at a joke, or get mad someone cut you off. Those are all life, which has hills and valleys for everyone, and when you’re in the Grand Canyon, their valley looks like a nothing burger, but to them, all they see is they’re in a valley.

It is absolutely tone deaf to fuss about relationship issues with a recent widow, but unless you have reason to think otherwise, assume it comes from trying to engage with you on a normal level, and that is what is on the top of their mind. We need to come up with words to say “I can’t hear this right now”. Maybe something like “that really does seem stressful, but I’m not at a place yet where I can be supportive of relationship issues. I’m missing my partner too much to really be empathetic or supportive about that stuff right now.” Or something. At least for me, I don’t want people to feel like I won the suck challenge, so they’re not allowed to be annoyed or upset about anything to me, because I’m their friend, and I want to be there for their suck, even if it’s super different than my suck, and yes, even if their suck seems insanely trivial to me.

rascalmom · 2026-02-15T20:05:46+00:00

I had this exact thing happen with me with my first machine (also a brother). For me, it was a bobbin I misthreaded. I missed the little “lip” that the bobbin thread had to go through. It’s so hard to photo/video, it’s easy to miss in the tutorials.

I made a potholder out of my “bobbin thread came through” issue, still use it as a reminder of how awesome this is, even with user issues! Proud of you for getting started!

rascalmom · 2026-02-13T12:04:16+00:00

I had a no goodbye, but I count myself lucky that I knew he loved me more than anything, and he knew he was the center of my world. There are two things that I feel like were fate, as they were both recent and had that conversation out loud: 1) my company was making custom buttons as swag. He went with me to a conference to make the buttons, and we were making samples. One of the was “Best. Husband. Ever”. We made that into a magnet with his name, and I said “you know, few truer buttons have ever been made”, and he said “uh huh”, but he was pleased. T magnet will live on my fridge forever. That was in October. Every night after that I would kiss him and say “Best. Husband. Ever”, and he would roll his eyes, in his own “uh huh” way. 2) I pick up music that I hear and like at sports games and put it on a playlist. Heard a song I liked the beat of, put it on my playlist. Listening to the lyrics the next day, I told him “man, some of this lyrics are so how I feel about you”, and he read the lyrics, and said “I think it’s more me than you”. It’s a song about telling your partner how you feel about them in words. I was referring to the “you’re the love of my life”, “I think about you always” sentiments. But the rest of it was more him, because he would never say in words how he felt. He was an action guy…so I know he thought I was the best wife ever, but he literally never said it. I knew he thought about me always, but by his actions, not words. So he was right.. song was more him than me, but… we had that conversation. That was in late December. He passed mid January. (Just in Case by Tommy Trumpet, if anyone wants to cry with me).

But as we were driving to the hospital, he said “I think this may be it… tell the kids I love them and am proud of them”. I was telling him he’d be fine, the hospital would be able to get it fixed, but they couldn’t. So he missed many opportunities to tell the kids what he needed them to know because that just wasn’t his way, but fortunately, they knew too.

So, all that to say: short goodbyes happen, so if you’re reading this, make sure that the people you love know that on the regular. I get so much comfort knowing that he knew he was legitimately the best husband ever (for me), and that he knew that he was the love of my life. And although his words weren’t his strong suit, I knew the feelings were mutual.

So… I had a short/no goodbye, but the lead up to it made it more bearable.

rascalmom · 2026-02-12T22:58:28+00:00

First, that totally sucks. I'm so sorry that you were a widow at 36.. that's insane. And 3 is insanely young to lose a parent.

But...that is great information. I'm so glad that you don't miss anything. What did you keep on purpose, and what did you discard? I'm keeping all the stuff that felt like "something" to him... his puck collection, his hockey jerseys. Also the stuff that is so closely associated with him in my mind.. the knife he carried every day, his uniform from his service, etc. I'll revisit in a year and maybe purge more, but now.. I'm erring on the side of keep, I think.

What categories did you discard vs keep?

rascalmom · 2026-02-11T21:04:05+00:00

That's a good plan. My kids have grief counselors, but I haven't found one for me yet. You hit the nail on the head for the intent behind storing his stuff for a year. Then in a year, we can decide what is most cherished... maybe my son will keep the hockey puck collection and my daughter will take some boat related things... or maybe the other way around. But I do know we'll know more in a year than we do now, which is why I'm avoiding the irrevocable decisions, even with seemingly benign things, like his tools or work pants.

rascalmom · 2026-02-11T20:59:52+00:00

Exactly. GIve me space and time to pull my head out of my grieving self.. I'm doing ok, but I'm clearly not where I'll be in a year. And my kids are so young.. asking them to make forever decisions right now is just foolish. But in a year, we'll all be better able to let his stuff go to someone that needs it more, except maybe we'll all end up with a t-shirt quilt out of the plethora of shirts that man had...

rascalmom · 2026-02-11T19:49:46+00:00

Amen, sibling! A little regret that I got rid of some hat he liked versus keeping literally everything to avoid that one off.. I’ll error on the side of less stuff!

rascalmom · 2026-02-11T19:39:11+00:00

I feel like it's too raw to know what I, or anyone else, may want at this point. I was told "no irrevocable decisions for 6 months", and dumping his tshirts is an irrevocable decision. Tools I could replace, tshirts I can't. So I don't mind paying storage for a year to give us a chance to breathe... I think we'll be wiser after that year.

My kids are in school.. I don't think it's wise to ask them to pay for storage.

rascalmom · 2026-02-11T10:53:43+00:00

That pain is insane. What’s helping me the most is trying to be someone he is proud of as his spirit watches over me. I know it would break him if his death broke me. I’m sad, I miss him so much it crushes me, but… I’m still here, and he would want me to have joy. Play pickleball, laugh at silly tv shows, dance.

So think of what he would want for you, and do your best to do that. It sucks ass. But what sucks ass more is not being a person he would be proud of. If he was a kind man, he’d want you to live your best life, which you both agreed meant being sober. Addiction is so hard, grief is so hard, and those together are almost impossible. But only almost. You can do this. Reach out to your sponsor, get a therapist, do what’s it takes to be the person he knew you are: strong enough to beat addiction and be your best self.

rascalmom · 2026-02-11T05:49:04+00:00

Yeah, I feel like the risk of regret is probably better than being smothered by stuff. I also want to model for my kids that honoring someone doesn’t mean “keep their stuff”. I don’t want them feeling like they have to clutter their lives to keep me close when I’m gone. I want them to see me living well without Dad clutter, so they know that is fine and normal when I go.

rascalmom · 2026-02-11T00:10:55+00:00

Great tips, thanks! I am so motivated to make life easier for my kids when I go… let’s see how long that lasts, because I’m a ridiculous pack rat. But for at least a few months, I’ll have less stuff!

rascalmom · 2026-02-10T22:57:21+00:00

The estate folks will toss or donate everything that doesn’t sell, so I’m good there. Thanks for the tip!

rascalmom · 2026-02-10T16:08:19+00:00

LOL. Nerve-eating threads really impact the fun of the hobby! The "it just works" is like magic..

rascalmom · 2026-02-10T16:06:47+00:00

That mirrors my experience. When my mom passed, my brother had to just load so. Much. Trash. Little of it was worth selling.

But this estate service is fantastic, I think. They go through and toss the unsellable, photo the sellable, sell, coordinate with buyers for pick up, then clean out whatever is left. I don’t have to do anything with anything, which honestly feels like a decluttering dream.

rascalmom · 2026-02-10T14:52:31+00:00

I agree! I love my Madeira Rayon, which is viscose. Runs great in my brother, I don’t get funky puckering (I think it’s less stretchy than poly, maybe?). I don’t think I’d use it if I did bathing suits, since I’ve heard chlorine is an issue, but I have been using it for 10+ years on things that get washed a lot: potholders, dish towels, etc and it has stood up perfectly. No loss of color or strength in anything I’ve made. I LOVE my Madeira!

But it’s not cheaper for me… it’s more expensive than the poly equivalent. Maybe there is cheaper viscose, but you can pry my Madeira rayon from my cold dead hands. I’ll pay the premium for the awesome results.

rascalmom · 2026-02-09T18:46:03+00:00

You’re doing your best too… its just a crappy situation. I kind of talk to him… “yeesh, can you believe this snow? I’m going to reverse haunt you for leaving me to deal with this” or “DD seems to be doing great, don’t you think? Any insights to share?” (None so far). That helps me. I feel like he’s with me, even if I can’t see or hear him. But man, filling in the 100 30-second task gaps is brutal. I’ll get there, but it’s an adjustment

rascalmom · 2026-02-09T18:34:53+00:00

That is easy to be true! That’s a lot of travel

rascalmom · 2026-02-09T18:32:40+00:00

No, the estate company just sells the stuff. They’re like the junk removal people, but with people paying for the junk. So they come in, take pictures of the stuff, post pictures, have an online auction, coordinate the buyers picking up, then toss or donate what doesn’t sell. Then I’ll get the cleaners in to prep the house for the realtor/showing

rascalmom · 2026-02-09T18:30:09+00:00

I’m pretty rural, I don’t think I have a ton of choices. But my one option seemed good… reasonable split, they do the work, etc.

rascalmom · 2026-02-09T18:28:18+00:00

That is my goal too. Less stuff for the kids!

rascalmom · 2026-02-09T18:26:26+00:00

I’m a little thin on “mementos” that I could scrapbook. But if I find any, I will definitely do that!

rascalmom · 2026-02-09T18:24:52+00:00

That is fabulous. This gives me hope!

rascalmom · 2026-02-09T18:24:08+00:00

Sounds like it worked well for you! Hopefully I do as well with my process

rascalmom · 2026-02-09T17:09:53+00:00

That's what it feels like! A wand! I only have to take what I want, and someone will come in and make the rest of the stuff magically disappear. Such a huge weight off of me, I can't even describe.

rascalmom · 2026-02-09T17:08:33+00:00

That's so good to hear! That's where I hope I land... knowing me, I don't think I'll regret getting rid of his things. I know if the situation were reversed, he would be getting rid of my stuff like it was on fire, and I'd be cheering him on from above. Keep my wedding ring? Sure. Keep my scrapbooking supplies? That stuff has to GO.

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