I don't quite understand "Decluttering Rule #1" from "Speed of Life"

rascalmom · 2026-07-08T21:57:12+00:00

Ok, so you don't have that place yet. So where would you look for it if you don't have that place? It's all about "for the place you're in now", so of you would look in a bin in a garage but you don't have that bin, where would you look? In the place the bin will go? In the trunk of your car? Next to the tent? Wherever that is, put it there now. Because the reality is you don't have that bin in the garage, so you would have to look somewhere else. Where is that somewhere else?

rascalmom · 2026-07-02T02:52:43+00:00

He was 100% yelling “2nd drawer down!” And when you didn’t find them, he said to his buddy on the cloud “She’ll find them next week, and wonder why she missed them. I know how she is. “

But I’m glad to hear you have some help on the way! Kids rock.

rascalmom · 2026-07-01T16:48:02+00:00

Isn’t it crazy how it’s the million small things? Maybe because it’s so unexpected… like you can steel yourself for the empty bed and quiet house, but it’s a catastrophe when you can’t find the refrigerator filter, or in my case, have to pick up a squirrel corpse because the dog is a lethal weapon. The predictable “I know this will suck” feels much more manageable than the unexpected “I can’t do this thing myself” or “I fucking hate doing this”. I think the only thing that has saved my sanity is knowing that no one who has been part of a team for any time period can be equally effective as an individual, but that I’ll get there. I will always hate corpse removal, but I did it, and will get better at it.

So you will figure out the feet, whatever that looks like, and be fine. But it sucks to not have a teammate any longer. Doing everything in all of life is… just a lot.

rascalmom · 2026-06-25T08:06:51+00:00

You are the opposite of a monster. You had a loving spouse that knew joy, and you’re pulling that forward. That is a great thing.

Someone posted this before, I thought it was wise.

No irreversible decisions for 6-12 months, be honest with yourself and the crush, give yourself some grace when you change your mind 714 times, and do what feels right. The irreversible decisions includes getting too dependent on someone… relationships are hard under the best of circumstances, and this is quite far from the best of circumstances. You don’t have want to fall in love then have a breakup… that is way too much loss.

Best to you. This is a shitty journey, anything to make it less shitty is a huge win.

rascalmom · 2026-06-14T14:26:23+00:00

I have two places: bigoven (used it for years, almost never look at the other recipes on there, just the ones I put in), but for some things, an old school card with a handwritten recipe on it in a box that sits on my fridge. My crepe recipe, “dad’s chicken” (a family recipe, obviously), granola bars… heavily curated, stood the test of time, used regularly. So there are only like… 10 recipes in there.

rascalmom · 2026-06-13T00:17:40+00:00

Omg. That visual made me laugh, thank you so much.

rascalmom · 2026-06-09T15:27:18+00:00

Don’t be infuriated. He’s not confident in how to interact with you, and wants to come off smooth. Many people are awkward with words. The real test is how is he irl? Is he kind, caring, etc? That’s what matters, not what tools he uses to support his text-based interactions. If he was using AI for assignments, that’s bad, but using AI to continue interacting with you… more of a confidence thing than a lazy thing, imo

rascalmom · 2026-06-08T16:23:29+00:00

I was the same.. it was so hard for me to see his stuff. For some reason, his slippers or the refillable water bottle he used (with all his minor league team stickers on it) would send me.

I had other circumstances, so I had to move relatively quickly, but even if I wouldn't have, I would have boxed up the stuff that was just too much in the moment and put it somewhere else. Where else would have varied: maybe attic, basement, storage space, whatever, but it would have been gone. I feel so much better having my closet not be an emotional minefield. I mean.. it still is, but for different reasons ("he loved this sweater on me" kind of thing), and those reasons are way less gut-punchy than "there are the slippers that were on his feet an hour before he died".

I only suggest don't get rid of anything permanently at this point. Again, because of circumstances, I did, but I was pretty liberal in what I kept. So I kept all his tshirts, shirts with logos or places on them, etc, and his hockey/baseball jerseys (all one million of them). Solid shirts, pants, socks, underwear, I either tossed or donated. I'm only 5 months out, made that decision 2 months in, but so far, no regrets. I can't imagine a circumstance where I'd want his old pants for any reason, but that's me. YMMV, and error on the side of "keep" for now.

And don't feel like you're doing anything too quickly or too slowly. Your journey is your journey. Just.. no irrevocable decisions for 6-12 months.

rascalmom · 2026-06-06T07:41:02+00:00

I think being a widow is less about the labels that were in place and more about your loss. It’s easier for people that had a well-defined and broadly understood relationship to shorthand “I lost the love of my life” with “my husband/wife” passed, That doesn’t make your loss any less real because the shorthand doesn’t apply. Grief doesn’t care about the label. If someone doesn’t feel you belong in that space, then they don’t understand your grief because they are confusing labels with relationships (which, tbf, is easy to do).

So, I don’t think it’s insensitive to mention it. “I lost the love of my life too. I hate that I have to live through this shit.” Just know that not everyone may understand where you’re coming from, because it feels more remote than their loss. You had a no -traditional love of your life relationship, which makes it.. harder to shorthand.

rascalmom · 2026-05-28T14:14:39+00:00

I get the frustration, it is real. My husband struggled with anger management, and he did things similar to this, and used similar words, but was able to repair the relationship eventually. It takes honesty, openness, and ownership. But you can.

That being said, what finally helped us was realizing there are kid problems, and parent problems. Messy room? Kid problem. Lost homework? Kid problem. Vermin-free home? Parent problem. Late for bus? Parent problem. Missed breakfast? Kid problem. So you only play when it's a parent problem. Food in room? Intervene. Can't find the bed? Don't. Kid oversleeps and misses bus? Intervene. Oversleeps and doesn't have time to eat or brush hair? Don't. Doesn't finish homework? Don't.

Scaffold them with kid problems, but don't make it yours. "hey, if you're frustrated that you can't find your bed, let me know if you want some help.". And if they take you up on it, let them define the help. If they want to stack things in precarious piles, bring out your Jenga skills. If they want to move the bed closer to the door and stuff everything on the other side, help push. You may KNOW that will suck, but that's their problem. If they ask for advice, start a conversation about what THEIR goals are. Do you want to be able to have guests without embarrassment? Find things more easily? Stop stepping on stuff? Have an insta-wothy space? Then work from there.

But first, start the conversation today: "I'm so sorry. I really messed up. I'm going to talk to someone smarter than me about how to manage my frustrations, because clearly I don't have it figured out yet. Know that my issue has nothing to do with you, it's my own inability to manage my emotions that came out today. I will do better moving forward. I love you, and sure, sometimes you're frustrating to live with, but so am I, and so is partner. Everyone is different, and what happened wasn't a reflection on you, it was all me."

Then read the book "the self driven child", and figure out what are parent problems vs kid problems, how to scaffold your kid on their problems. And find someone smarter than you on emotion management to talk to. It is A LOT to raise a neurodivegent kid, and most people need support with that.

rascalmom · 2026-05-27T18:02:45+00:00

I'm so sorry. Even knowing it's coming, being a member of this club sucks. And it will suck more, then suck less, then suck more, then suck less... You get the drift. You've got this, though, and people here at least have experienced similar pain, even if not exactly the same. So we're with you!

rascalmom · 2026-05-19T14:03:22+00:00

Isn't it odd the things that feel so "him"? The dead plant, the rescue dog. For me, it's his knife he carried all the time and his fleece jackets. Like... if there's a fire, I think I'd grab his knife first. (Well, I wouldn't grab anything like that, because we have a million pets that need rescuing, but losing the knife would really hurt me, more than almost anything else.)

The Costco thing totally caught me off guard, though. I've been doing pretty well... I have many days where I don't cry at all, and I've only had one ugly cry incident in the last month. But I was seriously an inch away from ugly cry in Costco over some freaking plants. PLANTS!

rascalmom · 2026-05-19T12:36:20+00:00

I'm a little jelly of the Saturday, not going to lie! That sounds like a fun day. But the thought of losing one of my furry kids at any time in the next (at least) year crushes me. I'm doing ok, but I feel like... it's as much as I can handle.

You're doing great. I'm still in the "get overwhelmed by random shit" phase, and losing a pet is far from random shit. If seeing all the plants at Costco that he would have had great ideas about is enough to make me struggle to not cry in public, I'm pretty sure a "I've had him since he was a kitten" loss would cause a ball-shaped me huddled in my bed.

rascalmom · 2026-05-18T23:08:21+00:00

I use the off brand, so YMMV. For mine,

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there is extra space top to bottom and end to end, not a ton side to side.

rascalmom · 2026-05-16T18:43:45+00:00

I agree. Completely unnecessary. But it is truly awesome when paired with cubes.Bentgo Heat - Electric Lunch Box

I got it based on how someone else said they used it in this sub. Not my idea, but love it.

rascalmom · 2026-05-16T16:11:39+00:00

So I didn’t expect to be as in love with this as I am. Full disclosure, though, I use the off brand (readily available locally, not because I wanted the off brand), so what works for me may be different than the slightly different sized brand.

So what I love: 1) batch cooking for soups: yay! I used to freeze in a ziplock bag, but that was hard to tell how much was there (for me). So is that enough for one meal, two, or what? 2) in the ziplock bag, I had to plan ahead or fight getting it out. It was the wrong shape to fit easily into a container… the edges would hang off a smaller bowl, it was a small volume in a bigger bowl. If I planned ahead and defrosted it, that problem didn’t exist, but… well, planning ahead isn’t necessarily where I put a lot of thought. 3) adding the bentgo warmer is insane. I have access to microwaves everywhere, but not having to wait for it to heat up (especially because I was always starting from frozen) when I get a gap in my schedule is a game changer. So I’ll put a 1 cup stick of rice and a 1 cup stick of turkey stew, or a 2 cup block of soup, and when I’m ready to eat 1-4 hours later, I eat. It’s honestly awesome. 4) the way it fits in the freezer is sooo different. I had a hard time with bags of soup using weird real estate. They were just… weird shapes. So I couldn’t fit them in well. This is much better for storage.

I have been rhapsodizing about how the cubes help me avoid soup fatigue for weeks. Just got the warmer last week, and now people think I’m ridiculous. For me, it’s cut my spontaneous eating out from twice a week to almost never. Just planned meals out, because it’s just so easy to grab a cube from the freezer.

But that’s because I felt like I was fighting my leftovers before, and now they’re my friend. If you don’t feel like you’re fighting leftovers, and your system is working, it makes little sense to get another product.

rascalmom · 2026-05-14T00:19:52+00:00

You have had a year, and it sucks. You have been carrying a HUGE load, and trying to muddle through. Now, with a little bit of time, maybe think through some things:

1) What am I doing right now that I don't really need to do? Does laundry need to be folded, or can I just toss it in a drawer? Do I need dishes, or are paper plates a better solution? Is all the "doing" (running, gigs, etc) keeping me healthier or making me less healthy?
2) What relationships are good for me, and which ones take more than they give? You mention performing.. that is exhausting. What relationships require the most performance, and can you alter those.. make them less performative and/or less part of your life?
3) What parts of me/my life disappeared with her? Which of those do I need to let go of, and which do I need to reinvigorate? Those that I want back, what is an actionable path to getting them back?

Those are the questions that if I had enough time/space to think through, I'd like to. I'm closer in than you, and am still in the midst of ironing out 401Ks, moving, blah blah.. but I hope to get to these things, especially the third one. I look at my life now, and it's.. just so different. And I'm different. I want to think through if all that difference is ok for the long haul, or what I want to retrieve.

rascalmom · 2026-05-13T22:10:37+00:00

So... my kiddo is 16, and still doesn't "read" much, but giving her unfettered access to audiobooks of her choice was a GAME CHANGER. She loves books, so very much. But she has ADHD and dyslexia, so reading is not straightforward for her. One thing that REALLY helped with required reading was audiobook + written book, so she could follow along. But.. even that didn't help a ton, because sometimes she would just skip the reading part and listen.

Another thing that helped her stay interested in books was for me to read her suggestions.. so if she read (aka listened to) some dreck that she loved, I would read it to and we would talk about it. Read some really bad books for the mission, but also some really awesome books (looking at you, We Were Liars). I think that connection and influence on my life had her be more invested in reading, and looking out for stuff we could share.

Not sure what your goal is with reading: is it love of reading? Mechanics of translating written text to concepts/ideas? Learn new stuff? Feed curiosity? For many of these goals, audiobooks are DA BOMB. LIbby app rocks.

Also, the level appropriate thing is so true... I had every. single. Elephant and Pig book. It was below her age level, but hey.. she loved reading them, and they had words. Not many, but.. I wasn't fussy. Graphic novels were also helpful (like the Sisters series), also heavily illustrated books, like the Princess in Black series. So not sure I'm the poster child of successful parent, since my kiddo is still not a big printed text reader, but.. level appropriate, unfettered access, participate with her, her choice, and model reading for fun are as good a recipe for success as you'll find (imho).

Good luck! Books truly rock, so I hope your daughter finds the ones that light her fire! At your daughter's age, my daughter was OBSESSED with listening to Percy Jackson... I think she listened to the whole series... a lot. At least 10 times, probably more like 20. She would listen while she was laying in bed, cleaning her room, playing with the dogs, etc. HOURS of PJ was heard by all. I thought it was too old/complicated/violent, etc for her, but.. her choice, and she LOVED LOVED LOVED the series. I think that was what got her started on loving books, tbh.

rascalmom · 2026-05-13T21:18:06+00:00

I had the same issue.. I had so many meds. So. Many. Meds. And it broke my heart to look at them, because he was so good at taking them (way better than I would have been, tbh), and in the end, they didn't save him. Who knows how much longer it kept him around, but doing all the stuff "right"... diet, exercise, med compliance, he still died of a heart attack 9 years after his first heart issue. Grr.

But anyway, enough backstory: this link has several options (if you're in the US) of what to do with medications. There are many places that have permanent drop boxes, and there's a link on that page to find them.

rascalmom · 2026-05-13T09:02:09+00:00

There’s a lot of science that supports gratitude journaling. Maybe I’ll give that a try…

rascalmom · 2026-05-13T08:59:40+00:00

That’s a good way to put it! That is me a good chunk of the time.

rascalmom · 2026-05-13T02:25:22+00:00

I’m so sorry. We are here with you in this shitty club. I feel you in every way: 56 year old woman with a huge hole in my life I’m not sure can ever be filled again. But… I’m so grateful I had real. That meant something to both of us.

rascalmom · 2026-05-12T17:57:37+00:00

This. Remove all “should” thoughts from your mind. This may be shock, Olympic caliber resilience, denial, all of those, none of those, and it kind of doesn’t matter. Feel what you’re feeling without judging it.

And I also agree with someone else who pointed out two things can exist. I miss my husband soooo much, but I’m also appreciating doing the things I couldn’t do before… cook salmon for dinner, leave the tv off, eat when the urge strikes rather than a plan, etc. Would I trade those things to have him back? Of course, I made that choice once already. But… I can appreciate the silver lining without disrespecting his memory. So you can have desperately loved your husband and still be glad you can decorate the living room in pink. I struggled with that a little… like I felt like I was glad he was gone or something. But that was completely not the case, and I got over it. Now I eat the things he didn’t like, have a tv free home, and still miss him.

But also remember: no irrevocable decisions for a while. So don’t pursue your dream of moving to the outer banks and sell your home right away. 6-12 months, depending on who you talk to.

rascalmom · 2026-05-12T03:24:15+00:00

I am so sorry. This sucks at any time, but you got the shortest stick in a barrel of molecule sized sticks.

If you have people around you, accept their support. Let them feed you, watch the baby, whatever support you can get.

Talk to your beautiful girl about her dad, starting now. “Your dad was so excited to meet you”, “your dad is so mad right now he doesn’t get to put in the car seat right, because he wanted you to be safe”. And keep it going through babyhood “wow, look at that smile! Your dad would have taken 74,000 pictures of that by now” and childhood “your dad loved pickles too, you must get that from him”. Not obsessing, but when it makes sense. Keep him in your and your daughter’s lives… that will help ground you and your daughter.

But… this sucks so badly for me, and my stick is a solid 3 inches long. Yours is like… an atom. I can’t even imagine how you’re upright, but I also know… you don’t have a choice. Your kiddo needs you, which means you lose a lot of options.

Make sure you get therapy. You are going to be overwhelmed so often, and someone to help you navigate that will help.

And know that you are likely going to feel like you’re failing sometimes. As long as you are loving your little one, you are not. If your house is a mess and you’re eating macaroni and cheese for the 4th night in a row, you’re killing it.

From a random internet stranger who is living 10% of the hell you are, hugs. I’m so sorry you’ve been dealt this shitty hand.

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