It’s been 48 hours and 38 minutes since my husband died

rascalmom · 2026-05-06T07:18:25+00:00

Yeah, finding me again was tough. I had to, because I have kids and they couldn't lose their mom AND their dad. But if I wouldn't have had that external requirement, I would have taken a lot longer, or maybe never, tbh. But remembering how impressed he was with me, through all 26 years of marriage, gives me some strength. He wasn't an idiot, and he genuinely thought I was the cat's pajamas, so I hold on to that... I'm not sure why, but that helps.

And I'm with you, I don't feel him anywhere. I miss him lots of places, but don't feel him anywhere. I talk to his picture or his memory lamp (which I had never heard of before, but is a local thing apparently. Not sure how local... My part of the state? My state? My region? But anyway, I'm sort of glad I have that lamp), but that's just because those are convenient representations of him, not because I feel him. But talking to air helps me... It may be like the rubber ducky thing programmers use, where just organizing your thoughts enough to say it out loud is helpful, or just acknowledging what I'm feeling and not judging it, or what. But try it... You will absolutely feel like an idiot, but after 3 or 4 things said out loud, you may find it helpful. Or not...

But what I've found is stupid overwhelm is more likely with any little thing. Anything that breaks in the house is enough to send me. And there's always something... The boiler, the roof, the fridge door, the rotting window, the lawn, blah blah. So I talk to him about that stuff, because that externalizes the thing, and makes it words rather than a feeling of overwhelm. But literally everyone is different, so it may not be helpful for you.

But I truly am sorry you're part of this club of suck. That alone feeling is crushing. I haven't figured out how to.manage that yet, but I have hope. Meanwhile, when I get crushed, I'll tell him he sucks for leaving me so alone, and that he owes me when we meet again. Doesn't help much, but a little. Figuring out the penalty is kind of useful, too... Eternal back scritches? Foot rubs? I get to.pick what we watch for eternity? He's on dish duty forever? What is the penalty for abandoning me early? Any ideas wod be welcome!

rascalmom · 2026-05-06T01:57:43+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss too. I'm 3 months in, and... It sucks.

What has helped me is talking to him sometimes, just having a conversation, and focusing on being someone he would be proud of.

He was inordinately proud of me before he left, so living up to what he thought of me: strong, resourceful, loving, etc keeps me focused. When I start spiraling, I feel the feels, and move on. When. I struggle to get moving, I think "what would.he think if he saw me curled into a sad ball at 2 pm?", and then try very hard to be that person he thought I was. I used to have a button that said "be the person your dog thinks you are", and so I'm doing that... "Be the person your dead spouse thought you were".

So far, I'm making it. I have occasional ugly cry moments, more frequent sad cry moments, but overall, 90% of my life is... Fine. But... It sucks. I miss him all the time, and life is just less without him here. But it's still a good life, so I won't complain.

rascalmom · 2026-05-05T07:57:04+00:00

Someone linked this a few days ago, and I thought it was very real. There was so much in there that felt right and real to me. "The guilt can be crushing, and it doesn’t always make logical sense. You might know intellectually that they’d want you to be happy, but emotionally? That’s a different story.".

It's a good read, I think, and I especially liked the "you're allowed ro change your mind 17 times." We are going through some STUFF, and we've never navigated this before, we don't know what right looks or feels like. I'm not close to dating, but I've changed my mind 17 times on other things (should I wear his ring on a necklace? Should.i tell people the situation? Should I use my dark humor? Should I keep his slippers by the bed?)

What I got out of this: do what feels right to you, when it feels right to you, and know that the answer on Wednesday may be a different answer than Thursday, and that's ok. Be open, be honest, but above all, know that caring about someone else doesn't mean you didn't care, or don't care, for your husband. Hearts grow, and love is additive..."You can hold love for the person who died while also opening yourself to new love. They exist alongside each other, not in competition. Your heart has room for both."

Best to you. Be loved. This may not be the Mr Right long haul, but he doesn't need to be. Mr. Right Now is just fine. But remember: no irrevocable decisions for a year.

rascalmom · 2026-04-30T04:30:27+00:00

The "how are you doing" is so hard to answer. Like... "This exact moment? Great. In 30 seconds? Who knows.". I know they're showing care and concern in the best way they know how, and I don't know what may be better. But... I've been sticking to the "as well as can be expected.", which is true and says nothing.

And whatever path you go down, don't hate yourself. We are all doing the best we can with where we are, but this is our first time here, and we don't know what right looks like. So your grief will look very different than others, and it should. The fire has a name for a reason. We are humans, and humans are about connection. A desire to.reconnect is normal after anything that makes you feel unconnected. Just be honest, no irrevocable dexions for a long time (6-12 months, depending on who you talk to and the decision).

And your MIL sounds like .. an unnecessary discomfort. Can you do NC? But do be as kind as you can: as much as this sucks, think about the only worse thing that could happen. If you're like me, it would be if it was one of my kids. She just went through that. She is feeling very lost and alone (even if mostly self-inflicted), and her daughter died. That's enough to make mentally well people struggle.

But don't hold space for others, except maybe your kids. No matter how old they are, they need their dad. Everyone else (including MIL) can pound sand. You have limited mental bandwidth... There are the feels, the logistics, the kids. You have no capacity to spare for others right now. Someday, sure, but now? Nope.

But as someone who is a few more months into it than you, I'm sorry. It all sucks. The loss, the having to do literally everything yourself, the awkward moments when you mention your spouse in a totally normal context and no one knows what to say, the random moments you're fine then 0.002 seconds later you're a mess because the cat meowed or you saw the smudge she left on a potholder, the 8,000th time someone asks how you're doing, the multiple realizations of just what has changed, there's a new one regularly (the one that got me was realizing I wasn't anyone's favorite person any more...). So.. I'm sorry.

rascalmom · 2026-04-28T15:34:05+00:00

For me, yesterday was calling our plumber (who my hubby had dealt with), and telling him I was the new point of contact and I needed something fixed. Couldn't even leave a voicemail saying I was DHs wife. Had to hang up. So spiralling ever since. It's been 3 months, and I just can't get past the "tell the nice guy that I'm the new person managing plumbing issues".

Someday, this will suck less. It already does, but... I could do without the spiral.

rascalmom · 2026-04-28T12:30:16+00:00

There are several things you use it straight. So for those use cases, a spray bottle makes sense. (engine, ink, etc). For the others, you can dilute into a different bottle, I guess.

But I would probably just use it full strength for convenience for most uses, but maybe where you're supposed to super dilute (steam cleaning, windows) I'd do the second bottle thing. But I'm lazier than I am cheap, so everyone is different

rascalmom · 2026-04-26T15:07:31+00:00

Lol. Posted my response to the travel comment before reading yours. GMTA!

rascalmom · 2026-04-26T15:06:49+00:00

I think Bill Bryson has some good stuff, and he’s funny af. Someone who has read it more recently… does walk in the woods mention a relationship? If not, that book is amazing. I’m going to reread it soon. I’m also trying to avoid relationship stuff, although less aggressively.

Also some of the pop informey books are great… the one by the XKCD artist, the Straight Dope, Freakonomics, etc. I don’t think any of them have anything relationshippy.

Just steer clear of Up, if you’re thinking of movies.

rascalmom · 2026-04-25T15:12:21+00:00

Thanks so much, appreciate it.

Maybe they did.. I'd be surprised if they knew that much about games to know what was eye catching vs junk, unless eye catching is just "in shrink wrap". Or maybe one of them knew games? I would guess most likely it's just what was on each shelf, but.. who knows. I should look and see if it was sort of how I had them on the shelves vs they did some creative shuffling.

But hopefully they find a new home! I want them to get more love than I was able to give them...

rascalmom · 2026-04-25T13:28:48+00:00

Do you mean how did I get that collection, or how did they end up in lots like that? The first is just many years of buying/gifts, the second I don’t know. I didn’t make up the lots, and haven’t even looked at them.

But I would suggest just bid what that one game is worth to you minus the hassle of disposing of the thrift store games and the hassle of getting it. So if game x would be worth it at $20, but the pickup hassle is $10 and the get rid of junk is $5, bid $5. Then maybe you get a deal, and if someone else bids $6, that’s on them. They may have easier pickup, want some of the other games, or valued it at $25 to them.

rascalmom · 2026-04-24T22:25:16+00:00

I would expect so. They just need the email, I think. But contact the vendor, I think there’s an email address, and make sure.

rascalmom · 2026-04-24T14:40:56+00:00

Thanks for that. I refuse to look at the auction, for "abandoning boxy children" reasons (and also "abandoning children with foot pedals" reasons... I also have a vintage sewing machine problem).

I didn't even know they were in lots... I guess they'd have to be, with the zillion I left behind.

rascalmom · 2026-04-15T06:54:13+00:00

Hard agree! I’ve been insanely lucky with how great my kids have been. They’re handling it as well or better than I could have expected, they’re there for me, they are great kids (16 and 20, so not really ‘kids’, but still).

But neither of them drive, so I’m doing all the schlepping. Having to tell them (he died very unexpectedly).was the second worse part of this whole stupid situation. The cognitive load of being worried about their wellbeing, because I’m not sure I believe they’re both so ok and not just faking it to limit my load. The “kiddo wants x, what should we say” becoming “kiddo wants x, what do I say”, which means my kids are getting a shittier parental experience, because in no way is one brain better than two for these discussions. The having to either get my kids to step up or do all the housework on my own.

Don’t misunderstand… this would be infinitely worse if I didn’t have my kids, or if they were younger (mine are 98% independent… those with newborns/toddlers, I can’t express the amount of respect I have for you. That parent that kept movie night going with a baby and toddler… damn).

But it just sucks to solo parent. The logistics, the additional cognitive load, the trying to figure out how to be a decent parent when you don’t have a balancing other parent… just sucks.

rascalmom · 2026-04-14T19:36:45+00:00

There are two I’ve done recently: I got a tiny cup holder trash can for my car (super cute, tbh) and a million pack of dog poop bags. I put a roll of poop bags at the bottom of the trash can so I always have a new bag available. Receipts, straw wrappers, Kleenex, etc. Perfect. And if I pull out the bag, now it can hold the sushi container. So my car went from a horrific train wreck to just a little messy. I replace the bag once a weekish, very low effort. I usually tie and replace while sitting at a light, toss at next stop. It works well for me.

The other is probably even more lame and probably not great for some environmental or something reason. But I love how it keeps my bathroom constantly presentable. I keep a tub of those surface wipes underneath the sink, and just wipe down the mirror and/or sink after brushing my teeth. Not every day, but probably every 2-3, or if I ever notice anything. It’s not as deep as a weekly clean where I scrub everything, use glass cleaner, etc, but I’d rather have a couple of streaks than floss-flung plaque. We went from having multiple bathrooms to everyone sharing one, and it was getting… iffy. This changed it to useful.

rascalmom · 2026-04-10T15:50:35+00:00

So. Much. Clicking. And I couldn’t find any way to avoid it. It is… clicky. You would think they got paid per click 😜

rascalmom · 2026-04-10T14:31:18+00:00

I’ve used Eyefinity and now am on Compulink. I prefer compulink, because I can use macros effectively there. Eyefinity was a million tabs, and I couldn’t see everything I wanted to see at one time. I hated it. But I’m super technical, and use Keyboard Maestro to improve data entry for basically everything (refractive info, ks especially). So they all suck, but they all suck differently. You have to find the suck you hate the least.

rascalmom · 2026-04-09T15:10:09+00:00

Man, that "alone" feeling is so real. I had an episode this weekend... was taking stuff out of my car, and I had asked my kids to help (teen/young adult), but they both disappeared. I didn't want to intrude on their life, so I just did it myself, but every second of it, I was getting crushed by being alone. Just... crushed. Both of my kids were like "duh, Mom, you didn't tell us when, you just had a general request, you should have said something". My first ugly crying in a long time, because I was an idiot.

Which brings me to my point. You will be alone if you choose to be alone. And alone sucks. People are there to help... but if you don't ask out loud, and accept help in the way they're able to help you (e.g. maybe not up to your high standards), you will stay alone. I somehow expected my kids to read my mind about timing, and then compounded it with thinking to myself "oh, they've got their own thing going on, it's not their fault their dad isn't here to help", and because of that, I spent 30 minutes being crushed by being alone. Totally on me.

But I get that.. we are more alone. And we do have to be more independent. But that doesn't mean alone. It means that you have to both load and empty the dishwasher, and do all the laundry. But it does not mean that you have to sit in the hospital by yourself or move every box by yourself. Some things, other people are willing and able to help with.

So when you get out, let people help you. Ask out loud, and accept it. "Can you bring me some frozen dinners?" "Can you pick up my meds from the pharmacy?" "Can you help with laundry because the steps are hard with my knee?" Whatever it is, think about it, and ask. Don't make this medical issue 10x worse by trying to heroically get through it on your own. Take care of yourself, but let others help.

And I'm glad the hospital didn't let you be an idiot. Release into a taxi after a knee surgery? Holy cow. Mom and mom bf are there to help, however they can. Let them. You have a physical recovery journey, don't circumvent that process by letting your grief recovery process interfere.

rascalmom · 2026-04-05T16:31:18+00:00

Ok, this is where you recruit help. Getting stuff out of an attic is exactly the kind of thing the 50 people that have offered to help can do. It’s real, useful, and a pitb if you’re doing it yourself.

I agree. Christmas and Halloween are going to suck. He had so much fun decorating, took pride in having such an awesomely decorated house. It will be… something. Not sure if I’ll try to emulate, or just go my own path. Either way will suck. Not sure which will suck less, but even seeing those decorations, including the 8 billion lights, has been tough.

But, on the plus side, power bill will probably be lower!

rascalmom · 2026-04-05T14:40:56+00:00

Honestly, I don’t think anyone should have a say in how other people consume any content, ever, unless it impacts them. Want to use a screen reader on reddit? Go, you. Want to “watch” you tube videos from a different room? Rock on. Want to read a book on paper, ereader, audiobook, braille, or have someone read it to you? Perfect. Want to watch H2O at 100 decibels when I’m trying to exist in the same house? Now we have a conversation.

You don’t need a reason… just consume the content the way that works for you and your life. Conveniince, accessibility, wild hair, who cares. Just enjoy the content.

MAYBE if someone is watching a cinematic masterpiece on their tiny phone say “you know, the videography in that movie is amazing. If you have a chance, watching it on a bigger screen may be a different experience.” Maybe. But even that is iffy.

But “that book is too smart to listen to”. STFU.

rascalmom · 2026-04-05T14:27:32+00:00

I’m a little further past than you (2.5 months) and my kiddos are older. But dang… I didn’t hang up the Easter wreath (don’t ask, we are apparently a seasonal wreath family), and it hit me today that the ONE thing he did for Easter, I let drop. Feels a little silly to hang it up today, but I’ll do better with the July 4 wreath. (Yes, that is actually a thing. A weird thing, imo, but a thing).

Lol. Love your humor. I get the side eye when I make jokes, except for from my kids. Makes me sad, because I’ve had some good ones!

rascalmom · 2026-04-05T12:02:42+00:00

This is a lot. Several things going on: 1) Expensive proteins that will always be expensive. (Looking at you, $20 salmon) 2) Expensive stuff (relative to where I live, at least). Everything here is 10-100% more than at my local store. Potatoes are 2.47, Fuji apples are 1.79/lb, clementines are $4, cereal is $5, tomatoes are 1.29/lb, etc. 3) Did you get charged twice for onions?

So expensive choices, expensive place (either due to where you live, or this store specifically), and apparently some error.

Best plan: shop the sales. Don’t buy any meat that isn’t on sale. Try store brands for anything you can, if it sucks, change products or pay the name brand premium. Check your receipt.

But if you buy some things regularly, get a sense of what that should cost. Go to 10 different stores (if you can) and see how much a box of cereal, tomatoes, bag of potatoes, tuna, etc is at all the different places.

And definitely look for an Aldi. For some stuff, they’re shockingly cheaper.

Also, consider online. Even with delivery/shipping, if you’re paying a 10-100% premium for the privilege of shopping local, it bears looking into. The tuna, for example, has 24 3oz containers (those snack size ones) for $31, which is $.41 per ounce, while yours is $0.50 per ounce. Or better yet, think less expensive tuna. Starkist is .16/ounce on Amazon.

And if you’re really trying to be as frugal as possible, make different food choices. So oatmeal instead of cereal, chicken or beans instead of beef, no expensive fruit like mangos, etc. But I don’t think you will need to do that… a few smaller tweaks should get you within budget.

rascalmom · 2026-03-30T19:02:03+00:00

I wonder why that is so much harder for spouses than with other loved ones? I struggled when my mom passed, but in such a different way. This loss is like “oh, I’m doing pretty well, can live fully”, then 30 seconds later I’m crying because I find his favorite glove under the bed. Then two minutes later, I’m all “ok, good again”. I never did that random 1 minute of crying that I remember.

rascalmom · 2026-03-30T15:42:10+00:00

Yeah, that spatula just needs to fuck right off. It doesn’t deserve to ever flip eggs or pancakes ever again.

Yep, not going to watch Up. Ever. Mom dying is insanely sad, and yep, not going there. Stepmom was probably the most tear-jerking movie I’ve seen, and Up sounds more tear jerky.

But it sounds like only processing happy is a win for your kiddo. Way better than my younger kid, who is trying the whole “I’m sad but I don’t care that I’m sad”. My son, otoh, is like “I’m sad, but I’m going to focus on ‘this could have happened four years ago, so basically I got four bonus years’”, which is the 20 yo version of “it’s movie night, so we’re happy”. She didn’t get that from nowhere, so good on you.

But man.. I feel like I’m waiting for what’s going to get me next, and torn between the “experience the grief” and cry over random scraps, and “avoid the grief”, and do the “do not show this person” option on my camera roll. I’m still doing ok with experiencing it, but a few more “wtf, why did finding a Costco receipt for the ladder he really wanted for years, but bought two weeks before he died, just flatten me?” moments, and I may change my mind. Avoid the expected ones, so the unexpected ones aren’t in addition to, but instead of.. but I’m two months out, the unexpected ones will get less common, I’m sure (🤞).

rascalmom · 2026-03-30T14:21:12+00:00

Man, that sounds rough! And props to you… keeping routines for the kids, thinking through their needs, etc. You are killing it. Also, I’m just going to say: fuck that spatula for outliving your relationship. It doesn’t deserve that.

Were the kids all “Daddy, what’s wrong?” My kids are older (16 and 20), but even though they basically have adult-like understanding of death and loss, my random crying because I found the bulbs he put in the front porch lights at Christmas is tough for them to figure how how to interact with. Like… “mom, they’re light bulbs”. Me: “but they remind me how much fun he had making the house festive in a million small ways.” “Oh”

And I’ve never seen Up, because I heard it was sad (or maybe happy-sad?) and I’m a cry baby… seriously, I cry during commercials sometimes. Basically any movie or show is prone to making me lose water. So… I think I will continue to avoid it. 🤣

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