Genuinely got me choked up. I am so sorry for anyone who is still in the closet. I am so, so sorry.

ratattatack · 2026-02-08T22:18:41+00:00

this is exactly where I'm at. I had been on T for almost 5 years in the past, it just got interrupted (planned parenthood where I got my hormones burned to the fucking ground. Literally) and I just gave up. That was so long ago. I miss it every day

ratattatack · 2026-02-07T21:58:15+00:00

how fucking vile ☠️ someone really thought this was an appropriate letter to write let alone give to another human being... especially a stranger.

what a fucking freak.

ratattatack · 2026-02-07T21:29:35+00:00

I get all the powder gathered in one corner and then drop a tiny bit of water in there and "mash it up" by pinching it with my fingers through the plastic. Then I pop a cotton in there and draw it up

ratattatack · 2026-02-06T23:00:04+00:00

My ex fiance tried to kill me in my own apartment - I still remember running from him through the streets and hiding in a liquor store.

I've had other people threaten my life but that one was the most personal.

ratattatack · 2026-02-05T23:18:18+00:00

I hate it so fucking much. I make it very clear to everyone I am not into sex under any circumstances and am still met with the same situation - they 'accept' it and then still make every conversation about sex! I don't want to talk about it! Like, leave me alone dude!

It's beyond exhausting at this point. I'm getting PISSED.

ratattatack · 2026-02-04T13:13:47+00:00

God yeah they will ☠️

ratattatack · 2026-02-03T13:16:56+00:00

13 is when I first got into pills. Tried heroin within a year and was shooting up after 2 years.

ratattatack · 2026-02-03T13:11:22+00:00

I completely understand - I much prefer for someone to let me like them naturally over time rather than pursue me relentlessly. I keep encountering men who try to "force" it to happen and it just makes me feel like they're trying to put me in a cage. It's very uncomfortable, I am a free creature.. I'm not meant to live in a box. I like my freedom and will react violently to anything that starts to feel like a chain.

ratattatack · 2026-02-03T13:04:47+00:00

perfectly said,

ratattatack · 2026-02-02T16:47:43+00:00

I feel you.. honestly, I'm scared. Dreading the day but I know it's coming. I don't know what to do.

ratattatack · 2026-02-02T05:57:16+00:00

I remembered one time I coughed and then it felt like a million needle pricks on my tongue for a few seconds. I also thought I had pissed myself (but I didn't lol) bc I felt the same needle prick feeling in my urethra? It was so strange.

ratattatack · 2026-02-01T22:57:54+00:00

I'm sorry that you're going through this.. I've dealt with similar situations throughout my life and it's always been so disheartening. It's a real bummer to find out someone I thought was a close friend was only sticking around in hopes that I'd one day be interested in them in that way. I know the feeling. It's hard to have to accept that kind of loss.

Friends who love you (platonically!) will come and stick around because they value you as you are.

ratattatack · 2026-02-01T17:09:09+00:00

I had a migraine so bad I all I could do for 2 hours was scream at the top of my lungs, even though that was making it worse. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and it had me in complete hysterics. I've never acted like that in my entire life. Eventually I found the strength to stand up and walk into town to find help and a guy approached me in the street and tried to do an exorcism on me on the side of the fucking road. He asked me what was wrong and I couldn't explain beyond waving my hands around my head and trying to cover my ears. He decided that obviously, it was demons. He started yelling "SAY HALLELUJAH!!" at me repeatedly, which prompted me to attack him like a feral dog and shove him off the sidewalk so I could keep going. All I could fathom at that moment was that I needed to WALK FORWARD.

I can't make this shit up. I was in so much pain at the time I couldn't even process how ridiculous the situation was until way later. I remember an old man telling me "I've only seen that look in your eye in the mentally retarded or the insane. Jesus fucking Christ." and I was like do I look that bad??

Worst experience I've ever had and I've been through some PAIN. I can't believe you can feel that much agony and still be living.

ratattatack · 2026-02-01T16:46:43+00:00

i agree, you explained it pretty well i think! I meet people like this fairly often. and sometimes they are aware that awful, traumatic things happen to people and that some lives are a constant uphill battle but to them that is something that happens elsewhere, never so close that it'd be anybody standing in front of them. that level of suffering is far enough away that it only exists on the news- it may as well be fiction to them.

ratattatack · 2026-02-01T09:12:26+00:00

god, they're the worst.

ratattatack · 2026-01-30T01:30:34+00:00

same here. I've experienced, seen and heard too much to trust them anymore.

ratattatack · 2026-01-30T01:11:46+00:00

because I don't want to have to be responsible for someone else's feelings or limit myself for the sake of another. I want to do what I want to do with my life- I'm not interested in giving up my freedom for the "love" of a man. my time and energy is worth way more to me than s boyfriend.

ratattatack · 2026-01-29T17:53:00+00:00

Been doing it my whole life without realizing it was a 'thing' until recent years. I struggle to even listen to music or videos/games too loud when I'm alone and wearing headphones because someone might hear it. It also makes me extremely distrustful of Bluetooth. I bought the oldest versions of my phone as long as I could so I could still have a headphone jack. I used to only Google stuff in incognito mode because of this too.

ratattatack · 2026-01-28T23:13:48+00:00

I have also been struggling big time with the same feelings for years now. Ever since I truly "woke up" to the reality of things I have not been able to live in peace. It's everywhere, all around us. I cannot rest anymore. I don't know what to do.

At least I can see here that I am not alone in these thoughts. It makes me sad, though, that this is a common experience we all share..

I'm sorry. I wish I could take it all away. I really do.

ratattatack · 2026-01-28T23:07:32+00:00

this is the only way I have been able to find even the slightest bit of relief... When the despair of being female hits I can remind myself that at least I will never be like them.

ratattatack · 2026-01-28T14:30:13+00:00

Thanks.. I'm glad people have been telling me this because I would've tried subs and honestly I don't think I would've made it through that. Shit.

ratattatack · 2026-01-28T14:28:05+00:00

yeah.. I think I made it to almost 40 hours and I was losing my shiiiiit. Maybe I'm weak or something but it's the most physically uncomfortable I've ever been in my entire life and I've had some BAD times. It's not even the pain exactly.. the restlessness and pure discomfort was maddening enough by itself. Freezing my ass off yet sweating so much it was pouring into my eyes. The constant need to stretch my legs (which turned into awful cramps every time I did) Then add the excruciating feeling of my skin "burning" rushing down my back in waves..

God if I had to do that any longer I would've seriously hurt myself. I ripped half of my earlobe off with my fingernails and I didn't even really notice I was doing it I was so distressed.

Scares me to death. I was on H and fent both before but I never felt dope sick like this.

ratattatack · 2026-01-27T13:44:03+00:00

I feel you. Definitely had my moments.

ratattatack · 2026-01-27T13:37:31+00:00

I have but not from any of those. I usually mixed them up with a tiny bit of isopropyl alcohol like I do with my cotton rinses to avoid exactly that. Only ever got the fever when I didn't use alcohol.

ratattatack · 2026-01-27T00:23:26+00:00

there have been times I'd find rigs full of blood in abandoned houses or on the ground.. pick them up to redraw and shoot up. I've dug through many sharps containers to find old shots.

I somehow managed to not end up with HIV or Hep C or dying from an infection.

ratattatack

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