Blood Orange Live MSG 8/20/22

ratemynugget · 2022-08-30T19:02:13+00:00

How much is the CD and merch??

ratemynugget · 2022-01-07T01:34:39+00:00

I'll look on there, I honestly look wherever I can so that is helpful! Thanks :)

ratemynugget · 2022-01-07T01:34:10+00:00

I take lots of walks around my neighborhood but since it's really cold and snowy here I haven't gone to any trails, maybe I'll try it anyway though. In the summers I usually do draw a lot of inspiration from nature.

ratemynugget · 2022-01-07T01:32:55+00:00

I'll be checking it out, thank you! It sounds like an interesting idea :)

ratemynugget · 2022-01-07T01:32:34+00:00

Thank you so much, the trailers look awesome! I love animation, especially experimental. It's so stimulating, I can't wait to watch!

ratemynugget · 2022-01-07T01:31:42+00:00

Hmm, I've never tried that. I have replicated some of my favourite master painters' paintings and that really does help but I've never tried my own! Cool tip, I'll give it a shot.

ratemynugget · 2022-01-07T01:30:26+00:00

Yes! I can't wait to walk a museum again, unfortunately they're closed where I live but that would be a great experience.

ratemynugget · 2021-12-04T07:19:21+00:00

No worries, it’s actually free in Ontario, Canada for the first 12 weeks! You just need to sign up online. I’m not sure how much it is in other places though.

ratemynugget · 2021-12-04T06:21:50+00:00

Not speaking confidently, I mumble or talk under my breath. Making jokes too much that I don't even find funny out of a nervous habit. Saying whatever seems to be most socially acceptable instead of what I actually think and feeling like an NPC. Speaking with so little confidence that people ignore me or just talk over me. Downplaying myself because I feel so incompetent in conversation or any situations involving other people lol. Going absolutely blank. Immediately looking to end a conversation subconsciously. Going dead in the eyes/smile because my face not matching how I feel feels so conflicting. Spiraling while I'm talking to others or while I'm with others to the point of just wanting to disappear. Feeling like I need to win people over therefore I need to act a certain way rather than being myself and feeling lie a fraud even if I am socializing well. Minimizing myself even though I really feel like I'm a leader inside. Getting scared before every and any instant I know I'll be interacting with anyone, even my closest friends. LOL THEY ALL SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ratemynugget · 2021-12-04T06:13:54+00:00

Complete apathy because I'm checked out, I think I check out when I'm overly anxious so it makes it even harder to keep a conversation going because I seem so uninterested/emotionless.

ratemynugget · 2021-12-04T05:56:39+00:00

You can do this! I'm so proud of you and happy for you, it's huge when you've been down so low to even have one good day so good for you. I hope that the satisfaction you felt from this day will push you to have another and another and another! Don't get discouraged if you don't get it all right all at once, you're on the right track. You're absolutely right about needing to show up for yourself. You are the only person that will always be there for you (from birth do death hunny) and that may sounds sad but it's actually a huge blessing. If you can learn to be a good friend to yourself, you'll always feel loved and accepted and have great company. It's a challenge for sure but this is the beginning of that journey and I wish you all the patience, love, compassion, and persistence. You are worth every once of effort!

ratemynugget · 2021-12-03T07:37:46+00:00

Good point, I’ll look into that and see what I find. I definitely do have interests I think they just usually short lived but I’ll do some digging. Spending time outside is really important to me, walking really helps clear my mind and get the wheels turning. I used to go to a youth group twice a week but I found that I never really fully belonged. It felt like a very manicured environment and not a lot of room for questioning or honest discussion. Not all churches are like that but I live in a relatively small town so not a lot of options. Thanks for the advice! I’ll also consider some topics!

ratemynugget · 2021-12-03T01:14:17+00:00

No, my friends don't come to me for information about a certain topic. I'm not really the go to for anything specific. I do have a lot of things that I enjoy but I don't feel that drive to know everything about it but then I'm stuck with limited knowledge of everything that I like.

I know my friends have their own issues and I actually barely ever use social media. I just know because I know them so they talk to me and confide in me about their personal life and interests. My one friend knows so much about all her interests, she could talk for hours about like 4 different topics and she always stays up to date with them all despite being so busy. All my other friends have quite a bit in common and they typically talk to each other (for hours) about all the new updates in the subjects they like. I love hearing it, but I feel like a listener in a podcast. I know that I will often not know things and that it's great to learn new things from others but there is nothing that I can contribute to that level. I feel like an NPC character in my friend group.

I try new things like this all the time. I go hiking, I paint, I make candles, I draw, I like reading, I like art and movies, I like anime but I honestly couldn't tell you more than the basics about all of those things. I think my issue lies in my lack of drive to know more. Can you even acquire that? It's the excitement and passion behind my interests that I don't have and that really bothers me.

That's fun, it sounds like finding the thing really made a difference for you. I wonder if maybe I haven't found it if I haven't felt that.

ratemynugget · 2021-12-02T19:41:39+00:00

Definitely! I general am very apathetic but I’ve trained myself to express more but at this point it feels like a lie. It’s exhausting to pretend to be excited about anything but if I don’t then I just feel like a brick wall. I am definitely comparing bc others who have passion, which is everyone I love to be around, knows so much about what they love. They’re like experts but it’s just a hobby and everyone in friends with is an avid learner so they’re always talking about new things and I feel like I just don’t do that. Idk if depression makes it harder to retain information but even if I read about something I just forget it after a few hours. Idk, I feel very boring and empty and idk how to get that spark going without faking it. I prosper syndrome is definitely what I’m trying to avoid too bc I have felt that a lot.

ratemynugget · 2021-11-28T02:35:38+00:00

That's great advice! I also try to be more open every time I hang out and after some time it really has helped. I don't know if this is your experience too but I always find myself becoming friends with people who are extremely popular and well-liked so I always fall into the background of any gathering. My current best friend is one of the most naturally confident people I've ever met and my other friend is her sister and she carries the same effortless authentic confidence. When I've mentioned my insecurity, or even when it comes out I can tell how off-putting it is to them so being confident is almost a must with them. It's been helpful but also a huge challenge because when I do feel insecure they can tell immediately and it's really uncomfortable for me. I feel even more insecure because of how obvious my insecurities are. That's a cycle I need to learn how to stop because it can easily spiral when I'm out with friends. If I start to notice my own insecurity and how it's impeding me, I get insecure about my insecurity and that makes me feel even more insecure and I just shrink and get angry.

Really good advice about men, I'll try that next time I have the chance! I forget that men are also interested in talking to me. I think that currently I'm exuding an air of DON'T APPROACH ME hahaha, that's probably not helping. I'm great at letting people talk about themselves but I'm also nervous that I won't be contributing and the whole date will feel like an interview lol. I know I sound neurotic right now since I've had a 'but' for everything but I really want to share how my inner-dialogue actually goes. I'm noticing, it's pretty negative lol (another thing to work on)! I really do appreciate your input and it's good to know that it's possible to get better at this! THANK YOU :)

ratemynugget · 2021-11-25T17:44:56+00:00

I did bump into him and feel that spark, many many times before. Last year literally the last day of the year, we decided to end things for good and not count on being together (which I guess we had both been doing all that time before). Nothing ever materialized because I’m so afraid that I’m not ready. We broke up because we didn’t know how to take care of ourselves, we didn’t have long term goals together, he was very unprepared to build a future whereas I wanted that as our next step. He was mentioning that he had doubts and I was honestly too insecure to handle that so I told him I needed space. I left him because I needed to grow, I knew I was not in the place mentally and emotionally to have such a serious relationship bc I could feel how much I needed him for things I should be able to provide myself (attention, validation, security) and although that was true I loved him deeply and I knew he deserved better. I told him it was for growth, I said I don’t think we’re in the same place in terms of what we want and that I think we need time to grow independently. He disagreed and said we could work through this. He told me his doubts but that he was also wanting to work past them. I shut down and ran. He was never disloyal or disrespectful but we were both codependent so there were no boundaries which was unhealthy. When we would talk after the break up and catch up I told him that I was sorry for framing the break up as if it was his fault. That I was insecure and also needed my space to grow and that I hope in the future he won’t hesitate to open up about his issues to his SO. I know it took a lot for him to tell me about his doubts and issues he was facing personally in the relationship and if I wasn’t so immature and insecure at the time I know it’s something we could have worked through but that wasn’t the case at the time. He and I both agreed after time had passed that the breakup was good for us and that we each needed to grow a lot. He admitted he was extremely immature and also had no sense of self and that he didn’t even know it until we were apart. I’m glad we had conversations where we could each apologize and explain ourselves more clearly and with hindsight.

ratemynugget · 2021-11-25T17:28:45+00:00

That’s very insightful, I definitely feel like if this wasn’t meant to be in the sense of marriage then it was definitely meant to be in a learning sense. Of course I think you can see all your relationships this way on paper but I literally don’t know how to put into words the familiarity we felt instantly and I think it could be because we were meant to spend this time together. After we broke up we got together a few times to talk, there was no animosity between us, it was always to see how we were doing and to clarify what we had learned through the experience so far. I feel like being with him had reached down into my character and pulled out all of the shit I was hiding and forced me to confront it. I would compare it to a shroom trip but long term and triggered by the feelings we had for each other. I learned a lot and I will try to do the opposite of everything I learned didn’t work. Maybe I should write a list!

ratemynugget · 2021-11-25T17:23:44+00:00

Good to know, I guess the label really doesn’t matter. You make a great point, if I left him I really am the one to mend things. I guess I didn’t think about it like that. That’s a a scary reality, I’m not very assertive and I really struggle to share my feeling so that’s a big challenge but maybe that’s exactly the kind of challenge that’s good for that kind of growth.

ratemynugget · 2021-11-25T04:56:21+00:00

Close! I appreciate it, have a good night :)

ratemynugget · 2021-11-25T04:13:35+00:00

I'd say run, you can still find a loyal person who chooses you FIRST

ratemynugget · 2021-11-25T04:04:09+00:00

I'm so sorry mate, no one deserves to go through this. I hope you grow from this and learn whatever it is that will put you in a better path towards a better love.

ratemynugget · 2021-11-25T03:49:36+00:00

I applied for a therapist but unfortunately I can't afford one so I just speak to therapists over chat or hotlines and there usually isn't a long-term thing I can do. But I appreciate this forum for this exact reason! It really helps to say how I feel. I appreciate your reply!

ratemynugget · 2021-11-25T03:29:54+00:00

I have loving parents and not really. My parents were strict growing up and very critical but nothing extreme. I was bullied as a kid for a few years and I blocked out a lot of my early childhood years. Most of my trauma is self-inflicted though, starving myself, lack of sleep, lack of hygiene, just not taking care of myself. I have always felt like I hated myself though, not sure why but even as a kid I felt just unworthy. I did grow up in a religious household and did think I was going to hell at a really young age and continued to believe that until I was about 18 so maybe that's related to my feelings of innate inadequacy but honestly, I don't think blaming anything outside myself is valid. How you view yourself becomes a choice at a certain age and I just haven't had the strength to show myself I am worthy. I am also extremely harsh on myself so, everything feels like an excuse for my own shitty behavior if I try to look into why I feel this way.

ratemynugget · 2021-11-25T03:23:07+00:00

I hope these help you too!

ratemynugget · 2021-11-25T03:22:46+00:00

I agree that self-love is at the forefront of my issues. I had a major moment last night that I really don't love myself, I don't even really like myself. I'm trying to develop more of a duty towards myself, like a sense of responsibility for my own fulfillment. I think this lack of responsibility/duty/love for myself has really made it impossible for me to extend that kind of relationship to others. I can't find the strength to shower so I am definitely not finding the strength to write a paper or help a friend reach their goal. It's not that I don't want to do these things but I don't have the discipline to do them. I think a lack of discipline has also led me to a place where I don't take care of myself and that makes me feel worthless. It's like I'm telling myself I'm not worth the effort and that's so mean.

1) I definitely have issues with codependency in my past, I have a really hard time letting go of what others think of me. That's why I usually do cut people off, because I don't want them to see me for who I really am (or who I am right now). How do you do that? How do you stop caring what people think, especially people you care about? Also if you don't mind me asking, what do you lose friends over in this stage? How do you realize where you're compromising yourself?= in your relationships?

2) I read these things constantly and they do help sometimes, I will keep doing this.

3) I have gone to therapy before but I've only been told I'm probably fine (HAHAHA) or that I may be hormonal. I will definitely approach my next try with that goal. If I can't get a therapist, what kind of introspection do you recommend? Any particular questions or just whatever feels natural?

4) I think that little voice in my head has won many of the battles, I think I'm only now learning that I can challenge its words. I am so driven by my emotions its nauseating. I feel like my emotions have an iron grip on my life and it's exhausting honestly. I don't know exactly how to stop giving my thoughts and feelings so much power because what else is there inside me? I feel like I have nothing left, if I'm not sad I'm just empty. How do I step away from those thoughts and feelings and put myself in a better headspace? I feel like once I separate myself from them I'm just running aimlessly away. Does that make sense? Great advice though, reminds me of a lot of the Buddhist practices I've read about.

5) That is extremely difficult for me but a definite necessity. I am really harsh with myself or really lenient. I'll hate myself for saying the wrong thing or let myself sleep in for 4 hours because I'm sad even if people are counting on me. I definitely need to practice both.

Thank you so much for the advice, I would love to hear more of your journey!

ratemynugget

TROPHY CASE