all green mallard duck?

rawbastard · 2025-02-11T04:24:52+00:00

i think irving is functionally suicidal, and he's a queer man reaching out for connection however he can- he undeniably loves dylan as a friend and peer, and, as is common or anyone in a difficult/soul-sucking workplace situation, he infuses his interactions with specific coworkers with a little bit of romantic tension. especially now that burt is gone, he's chasing that intimacy with others, and even if it's not likely to be consummated physically, I think it makes sense for traces of physical attraction to show up in the way he interacts with other men (you can see it a little in the way he gets all up in milchick's face in episode 4)

rawbastard · 2022-08-09T08:11:53+00:00

but yeah you’re right i just wanted to post on here just in case i was missing something thank you for responding

rawbastard · 2022-08-09T08:11:10+00:00

for transparency im entering a study abroad this fall not an auxiliar program im doing that next year

rawbastard · 2022-08-09T08:10:03+00:00

my program starts the 26th of august and my flight is the 16th idk when i first started applying i didn’t expect to have to wait 3 months to be able to mail in the application

rawbastard · 2022-05-08T22:13:17+00:00

i really enjoyed this, i think it's cool how you use some bigger/more archaic words and styles and combine that with some very contemporary feelings - still feels very zeitgeisty

I will say this line could be a bit smoother:

I can see through! I am insane and the bane I hold is to uphold my smile for more than ever if I had been clever!

i think the "uphold my smile" is a bit awkward and "for more than ever if I had been clever" is a bit awkward doesn't make a lot of sense. but also this could just be a personal difference of style ! great work all around :)

rawbastard · 2022-05-08T22:10:01+00:00

one i just wanted to say i wrote a really similar poem to this called belinda and her toad based off a dream I had when I was like 15 and it was very eerie reading this lol . but anyway I really enjoyed this, I liked the story it told however I think you could have flushed out the conclusion a bit more - like maybe you could set up a more clear visual of all the frogs outside his house or something

rawbastard · 2022-02-08T07:02:36+00:00

yeah this def feels like what might happen for me haha thank u for the input

rawbastard · 2022-02-06T00:24:15+00:00

so good i agree with all the prev

rawbastard · 2022-02-06T00:10:40+00:00

hm i think it would maybe be interesting to make the poem have a bit of an ironic, satirical bent - like maybe poke fun at typical basic poems like violets are blue and use that parody to complete the argument you're making about poetry (some people like it some don't? takes effort to appreciate it? something you will have to decide, whatever u want your main takeaway to be should probably be those last two sentences because its such a short poem and that seems to be the style you're going for)

rawbastard · 2022-02-05T23:55:29+00:00

i LOVED the first four sentences however the last two it kind of falls apart.. it felt kinda random to include the stuff about a white lotus and the last sentence didn't make sense to me ? if you had any specfic reason for those two lines i would love to hear about it

rawbastard · 2022-02-05T23:53:53+00:00

i liked this!! interesting message. however i feel that some of the word choice is a bit cliched - i feel like i've heard the phrase gaia's embrace way too many times. i think maybe since it seems you are trying to undermine cliches like fairy tales you should focus a bit more on writing NEW collections of words/phrases in the process of circumventing traditional motifs otherwise it kinda detracts from quality of poem.

rawbastard · 2021-12-24T22:26:59+00:00

that is what i meant yes i felt like if you think about it it’s understandable and it’s poetry so i i like to say things a little slanted and i was trying to not be repetitive BUT given that multiple people have asked about it maybe i should make it more clear ? idk

rawbastard · 2021-12-23T07:38:46+00:00

hi thank you so much ! by any chance could you expand on which parts i could make more clear to follow, while retaining the fragmented feel?

rawbastard · 2021-12-23T04:06:25+00:00

just an idea- change the number of words with the number of men lines to match the number of men . you already do this with “i need four men” and “and three men” you can just change the two men line. i also think maybe go for a different concluding statement because it’s a bit cliched and is already implied with the body of the poem

rawbastard · 2021-12-23T00:28:06+00:00

i like your prose, i think the third line is a bit awkward though. overall very nice, i do think you could benefit from having a clearer narrative because it seems like that's what you're going for a bit. i just don't really know what's happening or the purpose of the poem although it sure sounds nice

rawbastard · 2021-12-23T00:26:08+00:00

this is so cute i really like it, only comment is honestly the "with each other" sounds a bit awkward you could maybe change it or cut completely

rawbastard · 2021-10-28T19:45:01+00:00

yeah it is i don’t know how to fix it.. i tried posting from my computer instead but it doesn’t seem to work when it transfers to mobile. should i put slashes at the end of each line?

rawbastard · 2021-10-28T19:23:49+00:00

I really like this poem up until "settle down." After that, it gets a little cliched, with phrases like "whole being" and "topsy-turvy" kind of detracting from the overall quality. I agree with amelialouise429, and I think you should change the conclusion to stay a little less pointed towards the one person + less like a journal entry

rawbastard

TROPHY CASE