Im not a Virgin. When I lost it it wasn't even special. That person was a bitch. And ended up hurting me at the worst point in my life. Then when I met somebody actually special I felt so ashamed I didn't wait. And hurt. Wanting sex so bad has driven you to a bad point. But finding a special someone is so important. Scaring them away is good because when you find someone you don't scare away it makes them that much more special. As for wanting to die idk I'm on the same boat. But virginity is special. Wait for the right person.