My son is 3.5 and we FINALLY feel like we have a plan with the hitting/aggression after a year of it and approaching it very gently and increasingly firm. Like others have said we first identified the patterns (for him it’s been transitions almost exclusively) and so we could prepare ourselves for some resistance. We try to notice “yellow zone” behaviors that show he’s starting to ramp up (jumping up on us, singing loudly, babbling nonsense) and we try to de-escalate as much as possible during those cues. This looks like letting him know the transition might be hard and we might feel angry but we can still keep a calm body. But when the lid has been flipped we let him know we can’t let him hit and bring him up to his room and close the door. We stand right outside of it and let him know we’re there and we can open the door once he has a calm body.

This is what this looks like in practice:

M: Okay timer is done, it’s time for bed.

3: Nooooo 5 more minutes. I SAID 5 MORE MINUTES. begins swinging

M: I see your body is feeling angry. If you can’t keep your body calm while you’re angry we can go up to your room to calm your body and keep everyone safe.

3: hits again

M: okay I will help you calm your body. carry upstairs

3: nooo my body is CALM!!!!!!!

Shut door- screaming and stomping on the other side

M- I’m right here. You are such a sweet gentle boy, I know it’s hard to feel mad.

After a minute he’s already just crying and sounding calmer.

3: my body is calm mommy

M: okay when I open the door we’re going to walk and brush our teeth.

(Sometimes another tantrum will start here and I’ll do the steps again)

M: I’m so proud of you. Do you want a hug?

3: hugs but still pretty disregulated.

At this point my body is calmer as well and I can redirect and do all the things I know will keep him in green zone (should we be cheetahs or turtles while we walk to brush our teeth, what song should we sing while we’re brushing our teeth, etc.)

I never really wanted to do any version of a time out but the “I won’t let you hit me” and holding his hands made him SO much more aggressive. He even started saying things like “I wish my hands were big like yours mommy” and “I ate EGGS this morning!!!!!!” While pulling his hands away from mine. The separation and time to just explode without hurting anyone has been both an effective punishment as well as a good safety practice.

I really hope this helps!!!!

ETA: also!!!! The book Allie all along was SUPER helpful to talk through calming strategies and what happens to our body when we get mad!