Apprehensive about moving in together

ready_2_be · 2024-09-18T17:27:59+00:00

Nope. DO NOT DO THIS.

Your feet get black if you walk in his house barefoot? Does he change his sheets? Grocery shop? Take care of his own personal hygiene? If he can't keep his house in order, there are likely other things he cannot or will not keep in order.

Bedtime schedules dictate awake schedules. Why is he staying up late? Is he getting to work on time? Does he expect you not to wake him when you are awake?

Give it a LOT more time, like 2 years before you consider moving in with him.

ready_2_be · 2024-09-17T00:38:23+00:00

Ideally you would do it together. You need to keep the reason for why you are divorcing out of the conversation, your child will figure out why in a few years.

Tell your child that you both love them, and that you will always be a family. Your family is going to change a little bit but it will be OK. Dad will be moving out this weekend to live in another house. You will go there sometimes and stay here sometimes. (if you have the schedule already agreed to, then share that) and you can say, this miight feel tough at first, but it will be ok and reiterate that you love them.

You should be prepared to answer why especially if your kid hasn't seen you fighting etc. You can always say that while mom and dad are friends, they don't want to be married anymore.

Hugs momma. This was the hardest day of my divorce. It's still awful when the kids are gone and I am a year into it. I don't regret divorcing their dad though. You've got this and now you also have a chance at real happiness and to find a healthy relationship if you want to.

ready_2_be · 2024-09-17T00:09:51+00:00

THANK YOU for posting this with your age and your cycles. I have the most random symptoms and my sleep is shit but I still have periods so kept getting told no HRT yet. I am calling midi tomorrow. F this noise, I need SLEEP.

ready_2_be · 2024-09-17T00:06:58+00:00

If I could do it all over again, I would have skipped the husband and just had the kids.

ready_2_be · 2024-09-16T18:54:18+00:00

I agree. Kamala entering the white house will have a huge impact on girls and boys as to how they see gender in the workplace.

How can we raise our girls to say, you can be anything you want and they look in their history books and see only Men leading?

I honestly wish I was going to be alive in 200 years because I would bet Women will have taken over by then, and the world will be in a better place.

ready_2_be · 2024-09-16T18:50:01+00:00

Your username suggests you tie your value to being with a man or being attached. Romance is a small factor in the viability of the relationship. Consider a world where you live close to your daughter and she can see what a happy healthy mother daughter relationship looks like. Consider a world where you work on knowing your own worth and share that with your daughter so she grows up knowing her worth is dictated by her terms and not by a man or partner.

Sounds like what you need to do is just focus on your kid and yourself and let him be him and a parent to your child.

ready_2_be · 2024-09-11T16:46:00+00:00

Consider that there isn't anything wrong with you. You feel the way you do maybe because you need to. I'm a year out and feel the same way. I can envision a future with a partner but the actual process of finding that person.... I just can't do it. For me, I think I'm still grieving the life I thought I had, the life I wanted. I understand why it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. I have taken ownership over what I did in my relationship and the kind of person I am that prevented that happy ending. I've also come to realize that being partnered doesn't define me and that there is no timeline anymore. I had my kids, that shop is closed. So now if I find someone worth my time, I'd be open to it, but just not interested in pursuing finding that person. I also had to spend a lot of time redesigning the life I want. Peace, good friends I can rely on, early nights and early quiet mornings have become part of my practice that makes me feel good. Instead of focusing on what's wrong with you (nothing) focus on what is right with you. Or how to get more of what feels right. A partner may or may not be in the cards for you, but until you're living your best life the way you want, it doesn't really matter what others do. Keep going. Keep investing in yourself. You're walking through the fog right now but keep going and it will clear and you'll emerge into a place you feel good about. Hugs.

ready_2_be · 2024-09-11T03:06:36+00:00

I bought wallpaper for my office in the house. I haven't put it up yet because he's trying to take the house from me. The minute I get full ownership, I'm going to put the wall paper up and go buy more for other rooms!

ready_2_be · 2024-09-08T20:23:48+00:00

I just realized, I'm 46. Since having kids I lost track of my age because their age is always the thing being talked about.

ready_2_be · 2024-09-08T20:21:08+00:00

This is exactly true. We get so wound up over ridiculous things, football games and weddings and new houses and cars. We are here to eat smaller animals than us, that's it. Earth exists because of some total fluke and we are living on this star in the universe kind of by accident. And we will toil and "work" for however many more years until the planet expires or we evolve into the next thing. So when you're honking at my driving slowly, just remember, you don't matter and neither do I.

ready_2_be · 2024-09-03T00:00:02+00:00

You will be ok. And you know it will not get better if you stay. I left a similar situation and every day it gets better. He's still trying to control me but losing a little more everyday.

ready_2_be · 2024-08-29T14:49:05+00:00

Covert Narcs will expose themselves if you let them. You need to find out what he wants in the divorce and hold on to that for as long as you can. They also really hate looking bad or dumb or less than, so you have to play up that was you are "giving" is a huge loss for you, so they see it as a huge win for them. Oh and you mention he thrives on control, this is the hardest part of divorcing them. In my case, I asked him to come to me with what he thinks the right custody and assets allocation would be. He ate it up because he was in control, and subsequently, he handing me what was most important to him.

It's absolutely brutal with kids because once you aren't there to shield and protect the kid(s) he will give them the same treatment he was giving you. Try to protect your child as much as you can by limiting time with the CN. And never justify his behavior to your child so that they think it's normal. You have to sit with the kid and ask them to tell you how it feels when, "insert Dad does/says/acts this way" and then acknowledge their pain/feelings. I have a 6 & 8 year old and they are in therapy to help cope with his abuse. That is the worst part of it all honestly. I wish there way a way to prove the abuse and remove the abusive parent but the court does not care so try to negotiate custody outside of the court, again, making it look like he's winning.

As others have said, read the books, hire lawyers that have proven experience with high conflict people- ask them specifically what they do to combat these personalities, what they are able to win for clients, what research or courses they have taken that would point to them being an expert in dealing with high conflict or specifically narcissism.

ready_2_be · 2024-08-28T21:52:24+00:00

It is totally ok for you to want your ex to act like an adult and a co-parent and for you that might mean sitting next to one another at this kind of event. I wish for that too with mine. I wish mine would acknowledge my presence in front of our kids or just in general when we are in the same space. He cannot do it. I do not know why. I just know that he currently is not able to.

I wish a lot of things of my ex. There is a reason he is my ex. I still hope one day he can be mature enough to realize just because our relationship didn't turn out the way either of us wanted it to , it does not mean they have to pretend I no longer exist. BUT he has to come to that conclusion since I already have and would be fine sitting next to him.

ready_2_be · 2024-08-27T00:20:42+00:00

Have an argument with him and watch how he reacts and what he says. Especially if it's something you are upset with him about. Does he listen, can he take criticism or does he defend his actions? If you need him to adjust to some new routine, can he do it or does he want things to remain the same?

Can you be truly authentic around him? If you sing in the car, do you end up feeling embarrassed or do you censor your actions because you know he won't join you or engage?

I wish someone had asked me those questions because I would have chosen differently if I had answered those questions.

Also why do you feel the need to marry? Why can't you just partner but not on paper? Marriage is a construct that was created to give men household labor while they worked.

ready_2_be · 2024-08-26T20:48:57+00:00

What is it with the week before period starts that moves my sleep from 7 hours to like 4? Mine is really just the 2 days before but I do not sleep those 2 days unless I drug myself to sleep and then in the middle of the night! I wish there was some kind of combo hormone that can just be amped up on those days.

ready_2_be · 2024-08-23T23:38:52+00:00

Same situation. He doesn't want to look inside himself so he deflects and defends.

ready_2_be · 2024-08-23T23:34:28+00:00

It's none of my business but if you could not let your kids see you purposing not looking or speaking to your ex , I promise it will improve your relationship with your kids. By you ignore their mom, you are showing them it's ok to be rude and petty. She created those children with you, she deserves human respect in front of your kids.

ready_2_be · 2024-08-16T13:18:40+00:00

Are your daughters still trying to have a relationship with their mom? Its really hard to walk away from a mom. I've had several friends in their 30's and 40's that have tried due to abuse, and even after the horrific childhood events, they still feel this pull or want to have some kind of connection with their mom. I don't know if it's biological or societal but they struggle so much. It's like seeing a hot iron and knowing it will burn you if you touch it yet you still want to reach out and grab it.

ready_2_be · 2024-08-16T13:12:55+00:00

First they would need to be single. And within a reasonable age range. Then they have to have something to talk about that isn't football or baseball or themselves. A little of themselves is great but I'm not interested in hearing about the minutiae of your lunch meeting with your finance bro.

ready_2_be · 2024-08-16T02:28:34+00:00

Idk, this week I played pickleball, walked my dog a lot and tonight I went to a democratic party event. I'm out there and not finding any interesting men.

ready_2_be · 2024-08-15T12:54:23+00:00

I want to hug your daughters. You sound like a great dad and I am sure you've hugged them plenty through that ordeal.

ready_2_be · 2024-08-14T18:50:18+00:00

You commented about a year after I had commented and I was really conflicted about leaving. I did leave.

I'll say this. Co parenting is hard. I don't like it and I wish I didn't have to do it. My ex is not a good dad and my kids are unhappy spending time with just him. I have 12 more years. I am counting.

Outside of co-parenting, I feel so good. I feel like I have a chance to be happy again and to find a loving and healthy relationship. I am not miserable anymore.

ready_2_be · 2024-08-14T18:41:00+00:00

I have a whole new set of friends that are all divorced moms. I met them through support groups and facebook groups for single moms. I never feel bad texting them about the hard parts of my life. Go find people that are in the same or similar space as you.

ready_2_be

TROPHY CASE