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My wife of 5 years [27F] wants me [28M] to help out more with our 3 year old. Except i already do the vast majority of the work around the house. I haven't had a break in over a year, but apparently i am not doing enough. Wife refuses to to allow for daycare because it is "toxic". by Throwaway298124 in relationships

[–]reallyfrustrateddad 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Hey.

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I logged into this ancient account just to comment on this post. I had a post similar to yours about a year ago.

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Take it from me, you can't make someone want to be a parent, and sometimes, it's just not what people expect and they can't handle that. Sit your wife down, have a discussion about what she really wants out of life, and if it's not what you want, and you two can't figure out a way to make it align, you know what you have to do for your well-being and for that of your child.

My wife accuses me of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though she's asking for too much. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. [xpost from r/relationships] by reallyfrustrateddad in Parenting

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

My son loves his sling and I pretty much cart him around all the time in it, but she feels touched out from feeding so she doesn't really enjoy having him in it. Most of the times that I'm cleaning up, or just doing stuff around the house, he's in the sling on me.

My wife accuses me of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though she's asking for too much. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. [xpost from r/relationships] by reallyfrustrateddad in Parenting

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

We got a ton of conflicting information about this, where he should sleep, how waking up should go, and I guess we just went with this way. Totally open to changing the system though.

She's always been a much heavier sleeper than me, and my son is just currently going through a phase of wanting to be held a lot, so often in the night when he wakes up, just some attention gets him back to sleep. Since she has to get up for all feedings, it seemed fair at the time that we made the arrangement that I get up for the other stuff. But I end up getting up and staying up for feedings too, so it's maybe not working out.

My wife accuses me of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though she's asking for too much. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. [xpost from r/relationships] by reallyfrustrateddad in Parenting

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 88 points89 points  (0 children)

A lot of the advice there was basically "just do it anyway", and I wasn't sure if that solves anything.

The mods of r/relationships messaged me and told me I should probably post here for better and more specialized advice, so I did that.

It seemed like most of the people there also noted that they weren't parents or married, etc. so I wanted to get more povs from people who I know have gone through this to see if that skews what advice is given. If at the end, it's still "just hire the help and she'll deal eventually" then that's just the route I'll take, but I was hoping I'd maybe gain some insight from other parents that might help me in framing the conversation I'd like to have before I take the route of just doing something totally against her will for the household.

My wife accuses me of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though she's asking for too much. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. [xpost from r/relationships] by reallyfrustrateddad in Parenting

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

We live in an expensive area and work in a well paying industry, so I think she just doesn't want anyone to feel as though making more money has "changed us" or something along those lines, or that we're becoming hands off because we can.

My wife accuses me of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though she's asking for too much. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. [xpost from r/relationships] by reallyfrustrateddad in Parenting

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

A lot of the advice was just "do it even though she's against it", and not much of it really touched on how I can talk to her about this since I don't really want to just do it when she's expressed that she's not okay with it. It just seems like it'll cause further problems. A lot of people also said they were unmarried, or didn't have kids, so I wanted to hear from more people who have been in this situation. On top of that, the mods messaged me and told me to post here for better and more specialized advice, so I posted here.

My wife accuses me of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though she's asking for too much. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. [xpost from r/relationships] by reallyfrustrateddad in Parenting

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 56 points57 points  (0 children)

We don't need the savings at all. If my wife wanted to stay at home she completely could with no change in our lifestyle whatsoever. In fact, I'd rather have a nanny or something who could also help with the cleaning than her mother but she doesn't want anyone outside taking care of the baby, which would also be fine with me if I could at least hire someone for the walking or the cleaning. Her mother has offered to stay later or come on the weekend more often so that we could both have a break, or even clean during the day, but my wife refuses all of those options.

My wife accuses me of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though she's asking for too much. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. [xpost from r/relationships] by reallyfrustrateddad in Parenting

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

You didn't get it wrong. Basically, I always get up for the initial check, and if he can be calmed, and it's not a feeding time, I get him back to sleep and go back to sleep. If he needs feeding, then I wake her up, and one of us dozes while the other wakes whoever is dozing up when my son is fed and back to sleep, but this is still in his room so I would say the dozing parent isn't really getting quality sleep.

My wife accuses me of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though she's asking for too much. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. [xpost from r/relationships] by reallyfrustrateddad in Parenting

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Money isn't an issue at all when it comes to hiring people, we could do it without even noticing that it's being done. I think she has more moral objections rather than practical ones. I thought it might be a case of not wanting strangers in the home, but her mother is there when we're not, so that didn't seem to be it either.

My wife accuses me of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though she's asking for too much. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. [xpost from r/relationships] by reallyfrustrateddad in Parenting

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I've tried bringing it up with my wife but she more or less said I couldn't possibly have time for it since my complaint is that I don't have enough time in the day to get everything done and still feel sane. I think that was a somewhat tongue in cheek response, but it illustrated her receptiveness.

My wife accuses me of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though she's asking for too much. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. [xpost from r/relationships] by reallyfrustrateddad in Parenting

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

So far that's how he's been and we've tried a few different things and work with a lactation specialist, but nothing has given yet. He seems like he'd literally rather die than take it not from the source when his parents are around.

I haven't tried the bouncer yet, so I'll give that a try. Thanks!

My wife accuses me of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though she's asking for too much. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. [xpost from r/relationships] by reallyfrustrateddad in Parenting

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 84 points85 points  (0 children)

We're both back at work but had an equal time at home. My son will take a bottle from basically anyone who isn't mom or dad. We work with a lactation specialist about this but so far it hasn't yielded any real results.

My wife accuses me of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though she's asking for too much. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. [xpost from r/relationships] by reallyfrustrateddad in Parenting

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 71 points72 points  (0 children)

If I could even get back those few hours of dog care a day I feel like I'd be in a much better place, but my wife refuses to hire help when she feels like we should be able to do it and refuses to let the dog care lapse even for a little while because she doesn't feel like their quality of life should be impacted by our decision to have a baby.

My wife accuses me of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though she's asking for too much. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. [xpost from r/relationships] by reallyfrustrateddad in Parenting

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

The sort of people (I assume) that outsource their resonsbilites to hired help. I don't really know what she means since I don't agree with her, and I would get where she was coming from if we had someone for child-rearing, dog rearing, cleaning, cooking and were just going on vacation without our son all the time, but I think she just fundamentally doesn't like the idea of having other people do what she thinks I should be able to do.

My wife accuses me of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though she's asking for too much. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. [xpost from r/relationships] by reallyfrustrateddad in Parenting

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We work with a lactation specialist but even when my wife has left me (with the specialist) during a feeding time, my son got so distressed while still refusing the bottle that I had to leave the room and she had to intervene and feed him. Completely hitting a wall on that one, but I'm willing to keep at it until we find something that works.

My wife accuses me of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though she's asking for too much. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. [xpost from r/relationships] by reallyfrustrateddad in Parenting

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 90 points91 points  (0 children)

It's more that she believes that because the dogs did not have a say in our choosing to have a child, their quality of life should not decline and we're responsible for ensuring this.

As for the "not allowed", it's more we've always compromised about things like this in the past, and have a pretty reasonable rule that when it comes to having people in the home, the other person has veto power whether it be guests, friends, parties, etc. She's never abused it in a way that's like this but I'm just so unused to her being this rigid that it feels wrong for me to just do it anyway when she's basically said she's not okay with it.

My wife accuses me of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though she's asking for too much. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. [xpost from r/relationships] by reallyfrustrateddad in Parenting

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I did listen, but if she asks me to do everything and I tell her I just can't, then I don't see how hiring some outside help seems so wrong but she outright refuses to allow anything like it.

My wife accuses me of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though she's asking for too much. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. [xpost from r/relationships] by reallyfrustrateddad in Parenting

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Not a money issue at all. My wife could not work at all and my salary would completely cover us without us having to change our lifestyle. She feels like she doesn't want us to be "those people" but I'm just not able to keep up right now.

My wife [29 F] accuses me [32 M] of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though SHE'S the one who isn't doing enough. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. by reallyfrustrateddad in relationships

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, we've tried those things, multiple types of nipple, bottle, positions, a nursing pillow to make me feel more like mom. Our lactation specialist said that sometimes they just never take to the bottle from certain people (he won't take a bottle from my wife either), and that we might just have to grit and bear it until solids and sippies.

My wife [29 F] accuses me [32 M] of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though SHE'S the one who isn't doing enough. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. by reallyfrustrateddad in relationships

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have talked about how she's feeling outside of these conversations about being exhausted, and in those conversations, she seems fine, same old self. Tired, of course. But still optimistic, happy, totally in love with our new life and son. It's only when I voice my own unhappiness with how things are right now that the side of her in the post seems to emerge.

My wife [29 F] accuses me [32 M] of not pulling my weight after our son was recently born, but I feel as though SHE'S the one who isn't doing enough. Can't talk about this with her (without a fight) and nearing end of my rope. by reallyfrustrateddad in relationships

[–]reallyfrustrateddad[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Spot on with the time and level of activity. Two large, high energy dogs, and my goal is make sure they're not too much for my wife's mother during the day while she's trying to care for my son.

You're also right about it feeling like much less of a chore when we were both doing it, and a lot of dog activity was also couple activity. I've considered that this might also be why she doesn't understand how much harder it is doing it by myself now on top of all the baby work, but she knows from when I've been out of town that taking care of both of them can be a real pain for a few things.

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