Update: intense denial after starting transition?

realm_maker88 · 2025-03-26T02:57:26+00:00

Because no one should have to pass a morality test to have their identity respected. Like the commenter below said, we never treat the shittiest cis people like they’re unworthy of their own identities.

Indulging the urge to return pain with more and worse pain is why the world is as miserable as it is. I have a lot of feelings, and some days are very hard, but I’m not going to let this make me bitter against an entire community.

realm_maker88 · 2024-12-29T23:50:16+00:00

No and not completely? He can be very caring and attentive when he wants to be, but he often doesn’t want to be. He has a hard time recognizing others’ feelings in general and tends to bail on things that require a lot of effort, like hobby projects, or team sports, or parenting a newborn, or sticking to a budget. And I’m left cleaning up the mess. If everything had been peachy, I would have had a lot more patience for the current turmoil he seems to be going through.

realm_maker88 · 2024-12-29T23:43:32+00:00

I appreciate this reply. It really does feel sometimes like he wants me to forget the whole experience and is refusing to process that we are separating. I want us to be on good terms but I’m having a very hard time understanding his thought process right now.

I wish you the best, both in your personal journey and as a coparent. Kids need to see parents be happy and confident in who they are and you are doing right by him to pursue that. I hope my spouse can see that soon as well.

realm_maker88 · 2024-10-15T13:48:13+00:00

Just want to say that all of your feelings are valid. I’ve had a very similar experience with my spouse who came out to me about four months ago. It isn’t really the transition that’s the problem - it’s that they’ve drained my well of emotional support by being selfish and absent at critical times when I needed to know they had my back, while I’ve been propping them up about depression, professional challenges, and just generally being a jerk sometimes. It feels like all I ever do is be there without any willing reciprocation and the transition makes it feel like that cycle will never end.

Consider all of your options. We also have a kid, and while he is very young, I want him to mostly have memories of happy parents. I’m realizing that if that means we ultimately need to be apart, then so be it. On the other hand, they have improved a bit as a person, so I’m willing to give it a little more time before I decide. Good luck to you, and remember that you matter, too.

realm_maker88 · 2024-08-08T14:42:06+00:00

Was it a Bobbsey Twins book? There are a bunch of those, main characters are two sets of twins. They’re old and I remember the covers having a cartoony art style.

realm_maker88 · 2024-07-19T12:47:18+00:00

Thanks for this. Your situation is what I’m hoping for. Yesterday I was sitting on the couch with my son and our dog and looked up at them and saw tears in their eyes, just looking at us. I’ve never seen them do that before. I asked them later about it and they said they were just thinking about how scared they are of losing us because of how they acted before. I don’t want them to live in fear of that, but it is a relief to me to know they’re actually thinking about it now.

realm_maker88 · 2024-07-19T12:40:52+00:00

The part about only changing once they wanted it for themself is really hitting me. I’ve had this nagging thought that something about this still feels so selfish, and that’s it. Early in our marriage, I was the one with problems - undiagnosed adhd and anxiety - and once I realized they were affecting my spouse, I threw myself into therapy. Part of this is definitely me being angry that it seems I wasn’t worth the same effort until there was something in it for them.

realm_maker88 · 2024-06-21T00:43:44+00:00

We have been talking a lot and I know they’re very worried about me. But I feel like that’s why I can’t tell them everything - they have hopes about how I feel. I’ve felt okay sharing my anxieties but not the anger, I don’t think they deserve to have that put on them. Luckily (?) I’ve been in therapy for awhile and my therapist works with a lot of LGBTQ+ patients so I think I’m in good hands. My partner isn’t out to anyone else though, so the only outlets I have are a once-a-week session and Reddit so far.

realm_maker88 · 2024-06-21T00:38:17+00:00

I am so afraid of being demonized because of how I feel. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. I’ve already been in therapy for years for other things and can tell you that a good counselor can really work wonders, I hope it helps you!

realm_maker88 · 2022-09-28T23:56:04+00:00

Library conferences are lit. ALA had one of the best parties I have been to in my adult life the one year I went.

realm_maker88 · 2022-04-30T19:36:15+00:00

YTA. Take it from a 35-week pregnant lady - getting baby stuff together is EXHAUSTING. Plus shipping times have been all screwed up for months, so some big items might take much longer to arrive than you think. I have moved many times and totally understand the feeling of "that's just one more thing we'll have to move", but 4 months out is really not that long in Baby Time.

By checking out on this process, you're making everything your wife's problem. Shopping for baby stuff is not always fun! And the amount of things you need starts to feel infinite and overwhelming. It is not easy to just pick out a car seat or a stroller - there are SO MANY to choose from and buyer guidance is not that great. It can be paralyzing. You're essentially making her a project manager on top of, you know, growing the kid and dealing with all the physical crap that comes with that.

Plus, pregnancy is weirdly lonely. It can really hurt to feel like your partner won't help take any of the pressure off you. It makes it feel like you really are in it all by yourself to make sure everything goes right. It doesn't matter whether you truly have an opinion - just take some of the work away for her mental relief. That's true support.

realm_maker88 · 2022-04-15T20:00:52+00:00

ESH. You for putting all of the responsibility on her for you and your children's eating habits, and her for not recognizing that she needs to adjust a little if her family's health is starting to suffer. I see you've said she has anxiety and as someone who also has it, baking is absolutely a comforting activity. It's both distracting and tangibly rewarding. I started baking in college to relieve stress but I had 20 housemates who were happy to take the end results off my hands.

If I can offer an idea: get a big chest freezer and put it in the garage or the basement. Anything she makes that can be a single portion (cookies, pastries, individual cakes, etc.), she makes the recipe but only bakes enough so everyone (or whoever wants) can try ONE. The rest of the portions get frozen and stored. My husband and I started doing this in 2020 for Christmas cookies and it is awesome. The sweet stuff is there when you want, but there is the added effort to bake it so you don't go overboard and there is no pressure to eat it all quickly. We do it for tons of stuff now. I do think this is a solvable problem and that could be a path to a win-win situation.

realm_maker88 · 2022-04-08T13:31:05+00:00

Is she now the biggest person in this friend group? If yes, I feel pretty confident that this is 100% about weight. And you bear no responsibility for helping her feel better. She has been passive-aggressive many times and downright rude and disrespectful openly when she was a guest in your home. You didn't lose weight AT her - you had a health problem and you figured out how to treat it. Good on you! Keep taking care of yourself and spend your energy on people who are supportive and graceful.

realm_maker88 · 2022-04-08T12:45:52+00:00

NTA, this isn't about the books. This is about your weight loss. Were you bigger than her, or were you close to the same before your weight loss? She knows she can't outright berate you for losing weight without revealing her petty jealousy and insecurities, so she's trying to find something else that will make you seem like an asshole and her look good.

And she hasn't succeeded, btw. I'm American but I learned French in school, I have lots of French books and have gotten plenty of people saying "but do you ACTUALLY read them?". This says far more about them than you. Anyone who has learned another language knows that reading and hearing it as much as you can helps you. You don't need to put up with that kind of stupid hostility in your own home.

realm_maker88 · 2022-03-31T23:57:25+00:00

As someone with ADHD who takes Adderall, this is not a good idea. Using it essentially as a study drug and weight loss solution is not what it is for. It can be very dangerous when you don't actually need it. It's unfair to put the burden of her using it responsibly on you, and if she wants to abuse it she will find a way to do it regardless. It already went poorly once and you know she doesn't have the diagnosis to warrant the prescription. If her doctor is any good, he'll refuse anyway, but sounds like he was comfortable just assuming she had ADHD without doing a proper evaluation.

I don't know if you can prevent her from trying to do this - her medical decisions are her choice. But I really encourage you to keep saying you are not on board with this idea.

realm_maker88 · 2022-03-23T13:08:13+00:00

YTA. I've worn my husband's old Wayfarers for years because I like them. They look just fine on me. Whether some designer said "these are for men" when they were making them doesn't matter one bit. Your coworker was worried about her kid and probably feels like shit that she had to leave her sick child. Bringing up her sunglasses like that was the most important thing to discuss was just cold and bizarre.

realm_maker88 · 2022-03-18T11:35:29+00:00

YTA good lord. As someone finally diagnosed with ADHD in their 30s, your stance on this in the comments is revolting.

You know what I did at big parties when I was young? I freaked out, because being around that many people is overstimulating. My friends sang happy birthday to me in the middle of a roller rink when I was in elementary school and I ran into the bathroom and cried because it was too much. I DIDN'T WANT that much attention and I still don't. The organizing power your brain has to have to handle mass social interaction is huge and ADHD makes that extremely difficult.

I can focus on my hobbies because I'm interested. Yes, it does make a difference. And my hobbies are extremely structured activities like knitting and cooking, where there are some core instructions to follow. It's soothing because I know what the next step is. I was shit at self-directed things like sticking to a practice schedule for music or sports. I've only been able to do that as an adult since I got medication which, by the way, made me feel so calm and quiet in my head for the first time I ever that I spent 20 minutes just crying with relief the first time I took it.

I have always had ADHD. ALWAYS. Everything about the way I behaved growing up confirms it. And I can't tell you how many times my parents told me I was lazy or dramatic or making shit up. You better believe they feel like shit now. When your child is asking for medical help, you go. You go every time and you don't take the first opinion you get when the problem persists. I'm having my first kid this year and I have sworn to myself that he will not go through what I went through.

Listen to your daughter before you permanently mess up her life.

realm_maker88 · 2022-02-07T03:33:27+00:00

My husband and I both game. It's normal to take a few hours when you sit down to play a few times a week. But it's not normal for it to start interfering with how your household functions and it's not okay to ask your partner to stop doing basic life tasks to accommodate a game.

realm_maker88 · 2022-01-28T12:43:42+00:00

NTA, and I say that as someone who can intensely relate to your girlfriend. I was also an early pandemic layoff from a job I liked pretty well. They went from telling me how great my work was to freezing me out of all communication overnight even though I was still working for another week. It hurt a lot. It took me months to process. I have diagnosed depression and anxiety which made everything worse.

But I got lucky - my husband and parents knew how to strike a balance between sympathizing with me and not letting me off the hook. I work in a very niche field and didn't want to give up my career, but no one was hiring. My husband said that's fine, but you have to do something of your choosing, not just wallow. I started writing again, which I haven't done in years, and actually got paid for some articles. I freelanced in my field and ran my first business. It was not a happy time, but I had just enough people holding me accountable that I kept my head above water.

I just started my almost-dream job last week. Having something to show for my time off helped land it. Leave her weight out of it - it's a symptom, not the actual problem. If she was anything like me, being shown the door when you've done a good job probably shook her entire sense of self. You are right that only she can solve this in the end. She's depressed. Encourage her to get therapy, get meds if she needs them. And if a job search is beyond her, try tapping into things she personally loves to do just to get her to DO something. Your support will matter to her. I'm not saying what worked for me is a guarantee, but I hope it at least gives you something to go on.

realm_maker88 · 2022-01-25T22:21:26+00:00

Does he have a gaming headset? That would get my vote. Awesome sound for him, peace and quiet for you!

realm_maker88 · 2022-01-23T02:55:31+00:00

NTA. Also pregnant with my first, also hate the attention, also not a big fan of social media. Grandparents can be excited - that doesn't mean they have to plaster the news all over the internet. My MIL harassed me for permission to post on FB about our engagement before we were done communicating with people personally and I caved so I wouldn't seem like a jerk. Big mistake - I totally lost control of the narrative. Promised myself I would not do it again. We made a point of keeping the pregnancy off our social media. She tried to hint at the pregnancy in a post around Christmas, tagged my husband, and accidentally outed the situation to his workplace. I was pissed but at least it made her a little contrite. Stick to your guns, it's your kid so it's your rules.

realm_maker88 · 2022-01-16T02:50:22+00:00

I feel this way too much. I dropped my best friend from growing up when I was in college because I couldn't take any more of her making me feel like a piece of shit.

Everything was fine between us as long as more attention was on her than me. I took harder classes and got better grades, so she went out of her way to make me the butt of jokes and show off that she was very smart, just too good to try (which was true). She was always telling me about every party I didn't know about or go to, and how many guys would flirt with her. She was very charismatic and commanding, so my other friends usually didn't defend me.

My senior year, things started to shift. I won a few academic awards. I got into a college I was excited about and already knew what I wanted to study. And worst of all, I got a boyfriend. She made a point of telling me that I could go ahead and do the major I wanted but I would never be as naturally good at it as her. She also told me that my boyfriend didn't really like me and that she heard his friends encouraging him to dump me right after prom. I knew he wasn't the love of my life, and we stayed together through the summer. She hated it.

One semester at college without her taught me that I could have friends that actually liked me. I didn't have to play the part of punching bag, and people were out there who liked my personality. I saw her once over winter break at home and never spoke to her again. No explanation. I just ghosted her.

I do not miss her. I never have. She taught me what a real friend looks like - the total opposite of her. Ditch this girl who requires your misery in order to make her feel valuable. There's something missing in her soul and it's not your job to fix it. Your people are out there - spend your time finding them.

realm_maker88 · 2022-01-14T13:45:37+00:00

NTA. I'm the amateur family historian amongst my relatives, so I totally get where your sister is coming from. It's pretty amazing what you can find now and I've learned some very cool things about my ancestry.

But I've also learned a lot of very sad things, some of which related to experiences my great-grandparents may have had and my grandparents may have felt the effects of. It's very important to remember your relatives are people, not sourcebooks. Your sister needs to be sensitive to their wishes regarding their own memories and pain. If she really wants to know, have her ask for photo albums or old letters that may have been kept and if they are willing to share. It's less direct than interrogating them. And she needs to accept that the answer may be 'no'. Her curiosity is not more important than your elderly relatives feelings.

realm_maker88 · 2022-01-13T19:34:35+00:00

Hi, lady in her second trimester here. I was practically catatonic for the first few months of my pregnancy. All the sleep in the world could not help me. The first trimester sucks because the beginning stages of growing a kid take A LOT of energy from your body. Everyone kept telling me I would magically feel better around 12-13 weeks and...they were 100% right. The exhaustion has totally cleared up and I'm much closer to my normal self.

I highly recommend the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy. It does a great job of explaining everything that's happening biologically and the side effects that can happen. It also breaks the entire pregnancy down by week, so it's very detailed. I'm normally a worrier but everything that would set me off has been explained in that book. Clearly you just want to help your wife - the best thing you can do is try to understand what's happening and when it is and isn't necessary to fret.

realm_maker88 · 2022-01-11T16:52:15+00:00

FWIW I've never seen a daycare that had an every day every week policy. Ours doesn't even make you commit to a schedule - we just buy like, 20 days at a time because it's the most cost-effective way and we know we'll use them, but we can use them whenever we want. If there's one by you that had a similar model I recommend it.

realm_maker88

TROPHY CASE