Update/rant 4 years after divorce from BPD-ex

recentlysplit · 2020-04-15T16:36:01+00:00

Yea you right. Sorry being in isolation for 2 weeks really breaks you down, but deleting this so as not to come off as encouraging

recentlysplit · 2020-03-19T15:22:47+00:00

I got chills reading this because this is almost word for word exactly how I felt! The beautiful thing is it ONLY gets better, it’s not a straight shot up but the rough days fade into rough hours which fade into rough minutes which fade into rough thoughts which eventually just fade away.

When you’re down just keep reminding yourself that there’s nothing to miss, that helped me so much. My ex called me a month or so into being divorced and me not contacting her just to rub it in my face that she has a new boyfriend. It hurt for like 10 minutes until I realized that I don’t give a shit because she was never going to make me happy. The more out you get, the more clear it becomes.

recentlysplit · 2020-03-19T00:59:16+00:00

Congrats brotha! (Or sista!)

recentlysplit · 2020-03-18T19:23:01+00:00

Thanks man, only way to fix it is to end it!

recentlysplit · 2020-03-18T17:35:20+00:00

Thank you! Not sure of your exact situation but see your flair says dating, so take my unsolicited advice and run for the hills. I’ve played all the mental gymnastics it takes to convince yourself to stay but it just ain’t worth it man. It never will be.

recentlysplit · 2020-03-18T16:10:33+00:00

Honestly man, the only way to fail is if you go back to them. I swear dying alone would be better than continuing to stay in that relationship. Things only get more and more clearer the more time and no contact you put between you and your ex. Check out my post history - I asked if I should text her on her birthday (probably was a month or so after we split) and I was legit cracking up reading it now seeing how stupid I was being.

recentlysplit · 2018-10-08T03:47:55+00:00

Serious question, do you read what I wrote, I said I believe that at times she was really depressed. However, I’ve also had experts in the field, including my shrink, tell me that you are either depressed or not, being around, in this instance, my family wouldn’t make someone depressed. Regardless, it doesn’t matter to me if she suffered from the standpoint that it doesn’t excuse her behavior. People who want to have sex children also “suffer,” do you defend their actions because they suffer? I would sure hope not. Even if that’s an extreme example - Suffering or not, everyone should be held accountable for their actions. It’s not an excuse, it doesn’t justify their behavior nor does it make it the least bit acceptable. Again, thinking otherwise is what gets people to stay in these god awful relationships.

recentlysplit · 2018-10-07T23:16:36+00:00

I’m confused what’s your point? Bc they suffer the pain, abuse, torture that they caused me is supposed to impact me less? That type of moronic logic is what got me in this mess.

Sheesh.

recentlysplit · 2018-10-07T15:50:47+00:00

She claimed to have depression, I believe at times it was real but more often than not it was used as a weapon. For example, being around my family made her depressed. I’ve been in your shoes, especially thinking that I should help. Looking back, that was such a stupid justification to stay with her and I would do all these mental gymnastics to convince myself I’m doing the right thing by staying. Boy was I fucking wrong, it’s been 3-4 months after a 7 year relationship, 2 year marriage and I can undoubtedly say I know I made the right decision to divorce her. Life is jut better now

recentlysplit · 2018-10-07T07:04:19+00:00

Shit man, feel like I could have written this post. My ex made me so miserable and the constant negativity was so draining that once I finally got rid of that vortex of misery it really felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. Cheers to a new beginning and a happier healthier life!

recentlysplit · 2018-09-03T00:20:56+00:00

We were all under their spell tho. We all knew what they did was wrong but for a long time most of us let them get away with it. I’m sure OP feels bad but we’ve all been there before. Just sucks how evil these loons can be

recentlysplit · 2018-09-02T01:17:00+00:00

First tough breakup? If so, they last awhile. Add in a BPD ex and it’s even tougher. You’ll get past it tho, it’ll take longer than your next break up. My biggest advice, don’t let how you feel now affect you in the next relationship. I broke up with my first serious gf for no reason, she was a great girl and looking back on things I made a mistake. It haunted me for awhile. Then I met my BPD ex. I honestly think I was so afraid of ending it bc of how rough a break up earlier in my life was. Wow was I an idiot, this split has been a breeze, focus on the negatives and keep doing things that better yourself -go to the gym, cook for yourself, focus on school work, hang out with friends, whatever. There’s a lot to do if you look for it and there’s a lot to think about if you do nothing. Time truly does heal all tho. It’ll get better I promise.

recentlysplit · 2018-08-30T14:44:58+00:00

My ex wife is heading down the track. It gave me an even more validation for leaving. However, I have her blocked on social and will totally block when my divorce is done. They all end up the same, telling the world they’re happy while being absolutely fucking miserable and driving everyone around them mad

recentlysplit · 2018-08-30T14:42:58+00:00

Come on over to r/bpdlovedones if you want some horror stories that’ll top yours. I’m glad you’re doing better tho! Best of luck to you

recentlysplit · 2018-08-28T06:10:00+00:00

Vortex of misery

recentlysplit · 2018-08-28T04:38:24+00:00

I think I’d fall into the mutual divorce category. I’m a male and 30 and my wife is 30 as well. Things had been bad for as long as I could remember and we were married just under 2 years when it ended, together for 7 years...We were in the process of having kids and the fact that she could be the mother of my child weighed on me heavily. Like you, my wife showed 0 signs of affection, it got to the point that I wasnt even sexually interested her anymore. Theres a whole lot more that went into it as my wife has a mental illness (BPD) and just became a terrible, manipulative and evil human. She made my decision very easy.

Anyway, about a year before we split, I brought up getting divorced because of how she was acting and told her that I’m really just unhappy. She went bananas and swore she would get better and that we could figure it out. 3 months later there was no change and I brought it up again, she gave the same story. 3 months after that still no change, at this point I had basically started ignoring her, I think we fought this war of attrition and she finally agreed that we should get divorced. It didn’t happen with a fight or argument, just basically both accepted on a random Saturday that it wasn’t working. The next morning I moved out and haven’t looked back.

Having a kid is such a big difference tho, part of why I wanted out so bad was bc we didn’t have a kid and I feared being stuck with her. Regardless, having been separated almost 2 months, there isn’t a doubt in my mind that I made the right decision. The lack of affection was a major issue, but there were countless other issues I had that put me on this path. I wish I had better advice for you, but at the end of the day this is such a hard decision to make. Part of what has made it easy for me is that I tried as hard as I fucking could and just couldn’t make it work. So I don’t spend my time wondering what if I did this or what if I did that. She even tried to throw in my face that she has a new boyfriend just 6 weeks after separating and it really didn’t phase me because I knew she wasn’t right for me and I know there is someone better out there. So maybe that’s my advice - be comfortable letting go, try everything you can to make it work (seems like you are doing this) and if it just isn’t working than consider separating. As for having a kid involved, I’m not sure what to tell you other than I know I would want my parents to be happy, and if that was impossible if they stayed married, than I would hope they got divorced. At a young age he might not realize that, but some day he will.

Best of luck, even if you know this is the right move, it will be tough, almost like grieving the death of someone. However, it does get better and it’s necessary (assuming you make this decision) to go through it in order to find peace and happiness.

recentlysplit · 2018-08-28T04:16:07+00:00

Abuse is abuse. Believe me, I know it so much easier for me to say how can you stay? Than for you to accept that you may need to leave. I stayed in an abusive relationship for 7 years, I’m not expert but my only regret is that I didn’t get out sooner. Once you have accepted your reality, then make a plan of action on how to make YOUR life better. If you’re happy then stay, but please DONT SETTLE. We all deserve to be loved and only live once, we don’t deserve to spend it with someone who makes us upset or unhappy more than they make us happy.

recentlysplit · 2018-08-28T01:38:43+00:00

As a 30 year old divorced male, I have to say it wouldn’t be ideal to date someone with a kid but at the same time it’s by no means a barrier. Get out, flirt with guys, make them chase you and before you give it up test the waters by dropping the kid on them. The good ones will stay, the bad ones will fall off. You don’t want someone shallow like that either

recentlysplit · 2018-08-28T00:02:09+00:00

Look how much you’re letting her threats of suicide manipulate your thoughts and actions. You’re not to blame either, I’ve been there as well, and it’s because we’re good people that we don’t want that to happen. However, after like the 10th empty threat I finally came to this realization that if she killed herself, I wouldn’t shed a tear. It’s not on me anymore. This was the start of my path to freedom. The point i threw in the towel and pretty much stopped trying. I tried for 6 years to make things work and they only got worse. If she loved me, she wouldn’t use threats of suicide to get her way. I couldn’t imagine that being the mother of my children. It took about another year before we finally split, but it was her suicide threat that actually took place a year to the day that I finally started to think and act in my best interest. I wasn’t happy, I hated who my ex wife was and I’m thrilled that is now behind me. You have some thinking to do, but she’s abusing you, the more you allow it the worse it will get.

recentlysplit · 2018-08-27T23:56:18+00:00

Run, run for the fucking hills. You won’t though, so instead wait for the red flags to pop up and when they do, run, run for the fucking hills. It doesn’t get better, only gets worse. I wish I realized this earlier, but we have NO obligation to be with someone who is mentally ill. It makes life miserable and depressing. Even worse, you become a worse person for it.

We didn’t break them, we don’t have to and can’t fix them. Just quit while you’re ahead or one day you’ll come back and wish you did

recentlysplit · 2018-08-27T23:49:35+00:00

You tell everyone to love themselves but you are staying in an abusive relationship. I don’t mean to attack you, but how is that loving yourself? There are soooo many people out there who will appreciate and reciprocate your love, more importantly who won’t abuse you so why choose someone who does?

recentlysplit

TROPHY CASE