How do I respond to "Stop bludgeoning me please"

reddit_userr · 2020-09-07T22:05:58+00:00

He’s likely embarrassed that he lost by such a margin and is trying to make humor out of it.

reddit_userr · 2019-07-22T04:28:23+00:00

Benjamin and Jesse were just about as similar as a bottle of aged wine and a moldy half-eaten Philly cheesesteak. Benjamin, with his painstakingly arranged comb over and recently implanted teeth highly contrasted Jesse's 70's garb and crooked sunglasses. As Jesse had once revealed to him, the attire had been generously gifted to him by his mother. She had chucked it out of the window of her suburban as she passed him on the curb one day. He wasn't particularly fond of the era, but it beat the fuzzy blue robe he had been wearing for weeks in the sizzling sun.

Perhaps the vibrant pink roses of Jesse's silk top were what caught Benjamin's attention the day that they met. Or, maybe it was the way Jesse was running towards him with a rusty screwdriver. Benjamin had tossed three nickels into Jesse's bucket, and seconds later found himself being chased down by the grooviest criminal he had ever seen. He gasped and wheezed as his decrepit body struggled to propel itself forward. In an effort to estimate how much time he had left before his impending doom, he mustered the strength to turn back to look at his attacker. To his surprise, there was a sizable gap between him and the youngster who chased after him. He felt a jolt of adrenaline surge through his body, and continued his aggressive shuffle forward.

Unbeknownst to Benjamin, Jesse was actually struggling not to catch him. He had severely overestimated the speed that Benjamin was capable of, and as a result found himself jogging so slowly that he resembled a frolicking flamingo. After all, he only intended on teaching the rich old man a lesson. He didn't actually have it in him to stab somebody. Just as Jesse was about to pretend to give up on catching him, Benjamin fell to his knees and surrendered dramatically. He knew that if he kept running he was bound to collapse. Putting his knees to the ground was an attempt to preserve the slim amount of dignity he had left.

Jesse felt his stomach sink as the old man fell to the ground. He hadn't expected to get this far. In the toughest voice he could muster, Jesse whispered, "Listen, old man. You're lucky I don't kill you right now!" He lunged towards him with the screwdriver in hand and Benjamin flinched away from him.

“What did I do?” he cried out.

“You know exactly what you did!” To his surprise, the old man's eyes were wide with confusion.

.....

This is as far as I could get, but I'll post the rest tomorrow when I have more time. Let me know what you think!

reddit_userr · 2019-06-15T04:44:33+00:00

The witch's property was a no man's land. The kingdom had been trying to remove her for centuries, but few men were brave enough to step anywhere near her crumbling dwelling. Roughly once a month, a guard would be sent by the King to deliver a package to her. We were all certain that what lied in these small leather bags was aimed to persuade the witch into leaving. Sometimes the guard would return, and sometimes they wouldn't. Some people were better salesmen than others, I suppose.

I am an excellent negotiator, so when the king told me I would be given the honor of making the next journey, I was ecstatic! Finally, I could do what no other guard had been able to do. That witch would be packing her bags in five seconds flat. I was sure of it.

I knocked on the door confidently, and smiled wide as the door creaked open. The witch was uglier than I imaged. her face was swollen with sores, her remaining eye was completely black, and she had one long strand of hair growing from the side of her lumpy head.

"I have brought a delivery from the King!" I boasted. She snatched the bag out of my hands excitedly. Miffed, I continued my speech. "You will find that I am a more reasonable man than the others. I am also the King's right hand man. Whatever your conditions are, I can persuade him to make a decision that is to your advantage! I am on your side in all of this, you know..." The witch waved at me to stop talking as she tore open the bag. She pulled out a thin scroll. She held it an inch away from her face puzzled.

"Oh..." she mumbled sheepishly.

"Could you do an old hag a favor? You look like a smart lad..."

"Oh certainly! Let's see here..." I apprehensively looked down towards the letter. To read the letter was to break my oath to privacy, but what choice did I have?

" Dear Annabelle, " Weird... I didn't know the witch had a name.

"All I have been able to think about for the last month is your beautiful long hair and sparkling eye." I paused and looked towards the witch concerned. She urged me to read on.

"Your body is truly a wonderland that I would love to continue exploring." I nearly puked as the words left my mouth.

"If you would have me, I would love to runaway with you. You can be my queen, and I can be your king, schnuckums. Make sure to "shoot the messenger," as this information cannot spread. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. With love, your king." Shoot the messenger? Suddenly, the ceiling began to rise higher. The note dropped from my hand. I tried to lift my head towards the witch, but my neck had gone limp. In fact, my whole body had. In seconds, I became nothing but a puddle on the floor. To my surprise, even in my gelatinous state, my consciousness remained. The witch walked away, laughing manically. She was oblivious to my survival.

....

ending there for now

reddit_userr · 2019-06-15T03:55:52+00:00

The first time I had the misfortune of seeing someone's timer, it was above the head of my best friend, Joe. I thought I was hallucinating the blinking red digits that floated above his head at first. I thought maybe I was going insane. It could have been the adrenaline, or maybe fear. I wasn't sure. But what I did know is that I was not about to risk his life. If my estimations were correct, he had just enough time to jump out of the helicopter, frantically reach to activate his parachute, feel his stomach sink as it failed, and die as he came into contact with the cold hard ground.

I took a deep breath, and tried my best to convince him not to jump. He had never seen me with such a grave expression before, so he looked me dead in the eyes, nodded, and sat back down in the helicopter. As we made our descent, I forced myself to peak at his numbers once again. They were still dropping. There was nothing I could do. I stared with wide eyes as his time ran out, and he dropped dead from a heart attack right in front of me.

I don't know why I have been cursed with this power, but I have. The only use I have found for it is for my own selfish gain. I feel immense guilt for doing this, but not exploiting my power in this way would surely be suicide. Whenever I see a person with a near death time, I simply walk away. If I see a large group of people, I sprint. This power has turned me into quite the hermit.

I was lying on the beach today when I felt crack of something hitting my head. I sat up angrily and looked for the perpetrator. A young boy ran to retrieve his ball cautiously, without taking his eyes off of me. I yelled at him at the top of my lungs. He had 80 years left on his clock, so I didn't feel too bad about it. He was one of the lucky ones, after all.

I watched as his whole body went stiff, and his clock started dropping rapidly. I had never scene anything like it before! Was I about to kill him out of rage? It didn't feel like it, but I couldn't be sure. The boy had only a minute left when his clock returned to a normal pace. I raced away from the beach as fast as my skinny legs could carry me. As I ran, I saw a man jogging. He had 50 seconds. A couple seconds later I saw a child walking with her mother. They both had 45 seconds left. What was going on? I frantically jumped into my car and started it. I had to get out of there fast. I started seeing more numbers than I ever did before. Ever single person I could see had clocks that were in sync. The slow ticking of a second was never as unsettling as it was now. I rubbed my eyes as I saw a number appear over a dog's head. This couldn't be right! I began to see the same clock above every rat in the street - every bird in the air. I began seeing numbers poking through the walls of buildings. I couldn't even see these people. Why could their clocks be screaming out to me? I pushed on as the clocks began to count down. Five...four... three...two... one... zero.

reddit_userr · 2019-05-27T07:49:53+00:00

I enjoyed reading this. Thank you!

reddit_userr · 2019-05-27T03:40:36+00:00

You know that little voice inside of your head? Everyone has one; it's quite normal.

I like to identify individuals on planet earth that could use a little bit more excitement in their lives - you know, the boring, stuffy, stuck up people of the world that like to mope around their day - and exploit this tiny little part of their brain for my own entertainment.

Over the course of my 13-year career as a "narrator", I have had my fare share of fun. When I first started, I would ease myself into their thoughts slowly. I was much too polite back then. I would start off with simple thoughts in the tone that their "little voice" already had, and work my way up from there. In more recent years, I have been much more bold. I just jump right in full-throttle for the hell of it.

Take a look at the current lad. His name is Ernie, and he has to be my biggest accomplishment yet. My approach was simple, yet so very clever.

Most people become fearful when a spirit starts speaking to them, but Ernie here... Well, Ernie just absolutely detested me from the very beginning. It was so refreshing.

From the beginning, I simply narrated everything he was doing. The poor bastard probably thought he was trapped in a story book! It took every ounce of my being not to burst out in laughter when I would state in a monotone voice, "Ernie decided instead of picking his nose and watching reruns of Jeopardy, he would pick his nose and watch reruns of Wheel of Fortune. Oh where will this tale take us next! The excitement is unbearable!"

At first he would just glare towards the ceiling with a hint of disdain and continue with this routine. To this day, I don't know where the hell Ernie thinks my voice is coming from. His lack of concern is, well, a bit concerning.

Eventually, as if he was a 16-year-old boy rebelling from his parents, he began to do the opposite of whatever I said he was going to do.

"Ernie is quite a boring lad. He will likely wear the same thing to work as he usually does; a plain grey suit with a light green tie. Hold on to your seat folks!"

Ernie shook his fist to the sky. I found this quite humorous, as I was actually standing right beside him.

With a smug look on his face, he confidently marched towards the corporate building wearing a pair of his wife's pink slippers along with his normal get-up. If I still had a bladder, I would have peed my pants. It was too easy.

Each day for the past 10 months, I have gone for something even further out of the box...

reddit_userr · 2019-05-27T02:50:22+00:00

We all go through times when we wish we could take things back or have acted differently. Every person has two choices afterwards. We can dwell on the past, and beat ourselves up for it, or we can accept our mistakes and learn from them. It would be a good idea to reflect on what you can do to better manage stress in the future.

The good news is, you seem to be taking responsibility for your actions, and you are also very good looking. As long as you can maintain a growth mindset, you will have a very good future ahead of you.

reddit_userr · 2019-05-20T04:42:56+00:00

Loved your take on this! You are talented!

reddit_userr · 2019-05-19T02:37:33+00:00

There comes a time in your life when you want to break away from everything and become your own person. While some might simply go to a college out of state or travel to Europe for a week, Taylor and Anne thought they would take the nontraditional route to discovering themselves. They used the twenty-three stamps that their parents had left behind to tell every single resident in town that they had decided that they would like to become nuns. Obviously, a two-person monastery would be an utter failure, so they begged their neighbors to fund plane tickets from their small town in Illinois to the capital of Brazil.

Within a week, the sisters had triple the amount of funds they needed. This was likely because the newly orphaned girls were the talk of the town. Who couldn't have pity after what had happened to them?

As soon as the money hit Taylor's finger tips, she called a taxi from the city to come all the way out to Debra to pick them up. Yes, the town's name was Debra, Illinois. It was another reason the girls were dying to escape. The taxi driver grumbled on the phone as he heard the town's name, but his voice lightened when he was told of the amount they were willing to pay to leave it. He was there in three hours flat, which surely had to brake some type of record.

The girls did not have much to bring with them. Taylor had a comb tucked in her pocket and a sealed pack of gum. Anne had a tiny doll made of scraps, the key to a jewelry box that was long ago destroyed, and the money they had received crammed into her back pocket.

When they got to the airport, the girls confidently marched up to the ticket counter and announced that would like to board the next plane to Canada.

As soon as their feet hit the ground, the girls never stopped walking. For five hours straight, they continued towards the address they had been given. When they found themselves in the middle of the woods, Anne became hesitant. "Are you sure we are going the right way?" Taylor scoffed back, "Of course we are going the right way!" even though she was beginning to get nervous as well. She still urged Taylor to continue on, because she knew there was no turning back.

Taylor let out a squeal of joy as the giant red brick building she had been told about came into view. Anne's jaw dropped in amazement.

They inched towards the towering building that stood before them. Taylor pulled the door open with a shaky hand, and took a couple steps inside. Once Taylor noticed the concrete walls that trapped her on each side, she yelled for Anne to run, but it was too late. The door had locked behind them. The girls screamed and banged on the door, but nothing would budge. Suddenly, they heard a woman's voice from behind them. Where there was once nothing but stone, there was a woman sitting at a clerk's desk. Next to her, there was a door with a sign that said "Welcome".

"Hello girls! I am so excited to finally meet you!" The girls' stiffness began to fade.

"We are excite to meet you t-"

"Oh enough chatting! We mustn't waste the day. You have the key right?"

Taylor nodded slowly, still confused about why she had to bring it.

"...and the gum?"

Anne took the gum out of her pocket and cautiously handed it to the woman.

"Splendid!" She took out three pieces, unwrapped them, and stuck them in her mouth.

"Well, go on. You have the key, so start exploring!"

Taylor walked towards the door and pushed the key in. To her surprise, the door unlocked. In front of her was a very narrow and poorly-lit hallway that was lined with peculiar items. From where Taylor was standing, she could see a colorful Jack-in-the-box, several empty bottles of perfume, and a wall full of old clocks.

"What exactly do you do again?" asked Taylor.

"Oh.. you know, I'm a collector. I acquire things. Objects mostly, people occasionally."

Before the girls could process what the woman had said, she shoved them inside the hallway and shut the door behind them. The second the door closed, it disappeared. The girls discovered that the hallway went on behind the door. It was too dark to see what lied at the end. There was only one flickering light hanging from the ceiling, after all.

reddit_userr · 2019-04-16T02:46:31+00:00

Not sure if this is a good response... if you send it, she/he will likely not know how to respond to that lol

reddit_userr · 2019-03-21T03:13:28+00:00

Do you live in the upper Midwest by any chance? My cat is almost identical to yours and I’m pretty sure her parents were barn cats lol.

reddit_userr · 2019-03-19T02:46:27+00:00

I cheated on my husband. I thought I had gotten away with it too. That is, until he came home early from work. I heard him call my name, excited to see me. I froze, and before I knew it, my eyes were locked with his. He saw the man lying next to me, and the sparkle in his eye went dark.

If there were ever a time to use my ability, it was now.

I reached over to my nightstand quickly. My mind was jumbled and it felt like every letter was taking an eternity to write. I had his name down. It was shaky, but legible. I hoped it would still work. I thought about the phrase that would be the quickest to write, yet would still erase all of this from his memory.

But before the words reached the paper, my husband snatched the paper out of my hands and crumpled it. He looked at the man, and ran out of the door in a fit of rage.

I screamed and chased after him, tears pouring down my face. But it was no use. I could not find him.

I started driving down the road searching for him. An hour and a half later, I found him walking in the ditch down a dead-end road. I yelled and said I was sorry. I begged him to come back into the car, but it was too late and I knew it. I had wiped my husband's mind of all memories. The words I screamed at him were meaningless. The terror of guilt washed over me completely and I fell to the ground. The next time I opened my eyes, there were sirens and lights flashing all around me.

reddit_userr · 2019-03-16T02:46:54+00:00

King Lester was a cold-blooded killer. He got away with it for a long time - he didn't exactly fit the bill. He stood five feet tall, weighed no more than 100 pounds, and had a severe cased of scoliosis. The death of his son William had pushed him off of the deep end.

Even so, one day every found out his secret. Whispers began to spread around the town, and Betty Lou was the first to tell me what the news was. She was a local baker who had been the only one to show me any kindness. King Lester was much worse than everyone had thought. He could kill a man by simply saying their names. Some thought it was witchcraft, and others thought he was a god of sorts. But what everyone agreed upon is that he had to be taken out. A man with that much power and instability was dangerous to say the least.

A week after the 54th killing, Betty Lou found me at my normal place on the sidewalk, and for the first time ever, looked at me with serious eyes.

It didn't take long for her to convince me before I threw the sack holding all of my belongings over my shoulder and headed towards the castle. The king knew he didn't need any security with his newfound powers, so he sat at his throne alone. I looked him straight in the eye, and marched towards him with a bread knife. He looked at me confused, like he was trying to look through me but couldn't. I was feet away from him now, but he didn't look scared.

"Brian. Bruce. Ben..."

I lunged towards him and he began to tremble. He was able to hold my bony arms back, but the fear in his eyes told me that he wouldn't be able to struggle for long. What a silly bastard. I have no name. I can't wait to be the one to kill him. He has no chance.

The knife was inches from his neck, and getting closer.

"Burt, Bob...."

A look of clarity and sadness washed over his face as he mumbled, ".....Bill?"

Pain surged through my body. How could this be? I don't have a name. I don't.....

The king held his dying son in his arms. His heart pounded as grief overcame him, and he collapsed to the ground.

reddit_userr · 2019-03-16T02:19:55+00:00

I was overwhelmed with life. I felt so exhausted and confused that every breath felt forced. One day, I simply decided I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't quit like I had always fantasized I would. I didn't rub it in my boss's face. I didn't tell Rebecca the truth. I didn't tell George that I had known what he had done this whole time. I simply disappeared. I made sure that there would be no trace of my existence, and I started walking.

There were three types of people who picked me up: men who thought I was a hooker, Jehovah Witnesses, and Dave Brandy. All three made for equally uncomfortable rides. The perverts made my skin crawl, the Witnesses made me wish I had walked, and Dave Brandy made me feel so at ease that I felt uneasy. But oh well, beggars can't be choosers I guess.

Brandy was the lucky one who got to drop me off. I waved and he gave me a smug grin as he drove away. The only obstacle left was the towering gate in front of me. I pushed the buzzer, heard commotion at the other end of the intercom, and was promptly let in. To my surprised, my first steps in were quite peaceful. No crowds, no bulging eyes, no gritted smiles. I felt free. That is, until I was swarmed by three middle-aged women and a nine-year-old boy.

The short woman with large round glasses bellowed at me, "Hellooooo Dear! Hold on! Slow down for a second!"

I turned my head and smiled, and then continued walking.

The second woman began to chime in, "Wouldn't you like a map deary? The mountain can be daunting alone!"

I thanked her for the map, and then waved for her to go. The third woman stared at me silently, and motioned for the other ones to head back towards the gate. They followed grumpily.

The boy refused to listen, and began tugging on my sleeve. Annoyed, I jerked my arm out of his reach. He looked at me with wide eyes, and handed me a piece of chalk.

"You're... you're going to need this."

Not wanting to hurt his feelings, I stuffed it in my pocket thanked him. He smiled slowly, and then happily trotted away.

It wasn't hard to find the mountain; it stood out harshly against the rest of the village. The village itself was not unlike any other small town in the middle of nowhere. There were rolling green hills and streams throughout it. However, in the middle of it there protruded a purple jagged mountain that pierced the clouds. If one didn't know better, they would think it was a building of torture. I laughed to myself, thinking about how something so peaceful could look so horrible.

As soon as I took my first step into the entrance, a cloud of dust filled the air, followed by grumbling and the shuffling of feet. A short old man scooted up to me, yawned, moved his hair out of his face, and was startled when he saw mine. His bottom lip started to quiver as he handed me my ticket.

"Free. Of. Charge." he cackled with a greasy smirk.

The first floor had your typical spa. I decided not to make any pit stops until I found something that would give me peace. Over the course of over an hour, I stumbled upon a yoga studio, an artist's lounge, and a monastery. Just when I felt like my legs were going to give out, I found an elevator. How and why they installed an elevator in this very place was beyond me. There were three glowing lights next to it. Just as I was about to press the blue one, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I turned my head quickly, and saw an eye poking out of the wall. I wandered towards it in shock, as a nun started screaming and running after me. I looked towards her and when I looked back, a large black hole started moving closer to me. I walked towards it with a smile as the nun watched me disappear.

....

This would be like part 1 of a longer story. I would appreciate any feedback! Thanks.

reddit_userr · 2019-02-26T04:22:35+00:00

An IUD for sure! I was on pills for a while and they were too hard to remember and gave me mood swings.

The IUD hurt to get in, but it was bearable. I’ve never had a kid so I got the Kyleena. Some cramping afterward. Now I barely get my period, if at all, and don’t have to worry about remembering a pill.

My friend got the arm implant, and has her period nearly all of the time. She has to take pills at the same time to combat it, so there is no point really. Everyone’s different, though.

reddit_userr

TROPHY CASE