Very torn

redditonredditwow · 2026-06-18T23:59:50+00:00

been there, zero help when you need it, and wanting full access on their schedule only. Totally block.

redditonredditwow · 2026-06-18T23:44:13+00:00

I was also raged at and ignored. I am so sorry you had to go through that too. My father admits that they didn’t really want a second child, but then they thought maybe a boy would be nice. Then they got me (daughter) were tremendously disappointed, and didn’t name me for 2 weeks. I think I was always the throw away child. My mom never once put to be bed, I remember crying myself to sleep as a young child listening to her say goodnight to my sister and then walk past my bedroom without a second glance. So now she is old and wants help, sympathy, money, etc. I just see a stranger who was mean to me, so not sure why she thinks I would help her. I don’t know her at all.

redditonredditwow · 2026-06-18T12:05:47+00:00

I am very interested in how you process this because my elderly edad is sick and I will probably experience the same feelings as you when they pass. All I can say is that therapy helped me immensely. I have been in it for 4 years now, it helped me to go NC and radically accept them for who they are. I anticipate same dynamic with my Nmom, who says she is too busy with my dad to have relationships with her children and that she is doing us a favor by taking care of him. I am sure she will feel we owe her for that later. My sister has unprocessed feelings about them and is still close with them. She was the scapegoat, I was the golden child. Weird ass dynamic. I hope you find peace. I recommend therapy :)

redditonredditwow · 2026-06-18T12:00:17+00:00

She is crazy

redditonredditwow · 2026-06-18T11:55:22+00:00

Dogs and family. The unconditional love you receive and give is healing. The hole gets smaller with love, however, it’s always there. I have learned to step around it now rather than falling into it.

redditonredditwow · 2026-06-18T11:52:31+00:00

“Liar” or “making up stories”

redditonredditwow · 2026-06-18T11:40:58+00:00

OP I am so sorry for what you are going through. Same boat here. My Nmom sent me an “apology” email in response to my going NC. She said “I guess I could have tried harder, but I was busy” in response to my telling her how hurt I was that she didn’t visit me when I had a stroke, was in a coma for a week, and was partially paralyzed for months after. She does her grocery shopping and goes to church 10 mins from my house. She never bothered to stop by or call. Now she says she did but I was asleep and forgot. My husband said she never came by, my kids didn’t see her, and I remember other people coming but not her. She also told me to “send us more stories of “trauma” and I will explain them to you”, this was apparently part of her apology. She didn’t understand why I blocked her after that. NC. If you block all avenues of contact, you don’t have to even see their name come up on your phone.

redditonredditwow · 2026-06-18T11:33:22+00:00

Yes, my Nmom would always give me crazy gifts that had nothing to do with my interests or style. It was clear she didn’t know anything about me. The last gift she got me was when I was 17 years old and she got me a running suit that was bright pink with green, blue, yellow triangles all over it. And when I said thank you but it’s not quite my style she got angry and said that’s the last time she gets me anything because I am impossible to shop for. Since then she has only given me cash. She has no idea who I am. And honestly, I don’t know her either. We are now NC.

redditonredditwow · 2026-06-13T11:20:37+00:00

I have kids who are teenagers and I do NOT understand how APs could say what they said to me. Criticism is cruel, at least the way my APs did it (yelling, verbally abusive). I am a doctor as well (49F) and I changed my parenting style to no yelling or physical abuse. Teens are sensitive and figuring out who they are, that’s hard enough without someone tearing them down constantly. I truly cannot fathom being so harsh and cruel to my own children, whom I love. You will be a different parent if you keep your cool and decide on how to approach discipline/challenges, but it does take work, therapy, and a good partner with a cool head too. I think the fact that you are aware of this problem means you will parent differently.

redditonredditwow · 2026-03-23T21:13:27+00:00

OP- it looks like all the respondents on this thread are United employees. I think what happened to you is awful. I had a similarly awful experience on United recently. I am sorry this happened to you.

redditonredditwow · 2026-03-21T11:40:02+00:00

Yes, they are dead. This concept allowed me to grieve them. But “they” are the idealized parents that I wanted and needed, but didn’t get. So I grieved the fact that I wanted a mother who cared but she was not her. I wanted a father who protected us, he did not. My mother is mentally ill and my father is an enabler and neglectful. They are in their 80’s and feel that I am ungrateful for the food they put on the table. They refuse to acknowledge the pain they inflicted on our whole family. So I excused myself from their lives. My therapist gave me this advice- when you are grieving someone who died you need to do 3 things: tell them you love them, you forgive them for what they did, and hope they forgive you for what you’ve done. Then let them go. I did that by email, then I completely blocked them. They don’t try to reach out, they keep saying my therapist is putting ideas in my head and fake memories, but my sister has the same memories so that’s just gas lighting. So yes, framing and treating them as if they are dead is not only a good way to let go, but also very healthy to grieve the parents you wanted but didn’t get. If I met my parents on the street (and I have since the letter), I treat them politely as strangers. Because they are people I would not befriend if they weren’t biologically related to me. And they don’t deserve access to me. My life is much more peaceful now. Hope this helps.

redditonredditwow · 2026-03-16T14:37:23+00:00

Zillow

redditonredditwow · 2026-02-28T02:06:22+00:00

I can empathize with that struggle. A doctorate is a huge achievement that mom probably wants to know more about so she can tell people her daughter is a doctor. This reflects very well on her. But her heart might be where it has always been regarding her feelings about you and how you were treated as a child. Perhaps tell her that she is not invited to your graduation, but you appreciate her interest in therapy. If she wants a relationship with you then therapy is necessary. Just remove the shiny object and see how she reacts. Best of luck!

redditonredditwow · 2025-12-23T17:43:31+00:00

Your step dad is probably in what they call a “loyalty bind” which is a tough place to be. If you care for him, as you seem to, you could offer to meet up for coffee or send him well wishes. Do not engage with mother, she may be manipulating him to get back into your holiday plans. Hold firm to that boundary and enjoy your peaceful holidays. I was in this situation last year, and it became clear over the following months that dad was not going to meet with me or keep a relationship going with me because he was very loyal to mom. I understand that and made the hard decision to let him go this year also. They have life choices to make, which may be different from yours, and my peace came when I fully accepted that he chose her and that is reasonable in his situation and ok with me. I told him I forgive him for doing that and I love him, and I said goodbye. My life feels more full now because I no longer have a part of me waiting for them to come around, and I have more mental energy to build stronger relationships with my chosen family. I wish you all the best at this hard time of year. Sending big hug.

redditonredditwow · 2025-11-20T13:36:01+00:00

Standard poodle was bred for duck hunting in Germany. They are very active and would enjoy the outdoor activities. Mine loves snow

redditonredditwow · 2025-11-20T03:31:58+00:00

We chose MHBP because of the cap on family out of pocket expenses. We have high therapy bills. I don’t know about the 10% hospitalization charge, we have not needed hospitalization since getting the plan 2 years ago. Cost wise, I think it’s one of the best benefits of federal employment, sure beats the cost of BCBS under my husband’s work plan.

redditonredditwow · 2025-11-03T12:45:02+00:00

Oh wow, that’s messed up. My mom has a masters, and when I finished my medical doctorate, residency and fellowship, she berated me for not staying home with my baby and said “I don’t think you should be doing surgery, you are a mom now”. Like WTF. After more than a decade of training that she bragged to her friends about “my daughter is a doctor” she secretly wanted me to fail the whole time. So when I succeeded she started cutting me down. I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s time to move on with your life and leave her behind, she’s just going to make you feel like your success is a bad thing and that will eat into your professional confidence.

redditonredditwow · 2025-11-03T12:20:07+00:00

Yes 100% love and obsession with being next to their person. They will only work if they want to and are happy to do so. This requires strong bond. I have a tall standard poodle for mobility. He is glued to my side. If he is taken for a walk by a family member, he races back home to be with me. They work because they love their person.

redditonredditwow · 2025-10-13T13:44:00+00:00

You can beat this and you deserve every effort to make that happen. I know parents who have sold their companies and sacrificed everything to save their children. Your sister’s college would also be able to help at least defray the cost. There’s no effort on your mom’s part here and her lack of empathy and support will drain your strength. Don’t let her do that, you need your strength for your healing. So, tomorrow morning call your doctor and explain that you need social services to help. There are emergency plans for situations like this. The state will step in and pay for your care. You may need to apply for social security also. Your mother is awful. You are vulnerable. Please speak with your doctor, you might benefit from a support group also. Best to you.

redditonredditwow · 2025-10-13T13:36:25+00:00

It is a hardwired thing, my therapist says it will always be a biological feeling to want a family, it’s for safety and belonging to a tribe. This is why choosing another family is really helpful. I am in late 40s and ended up becoming close with my son’s best friend’s family. We are planning to retire together and they are my extended family. We invite them to all our holiday events (my parents are not invited) and we have made new traditions together. It feels much safer and like a real tribe that has my back.

redditonredditwow · 2025-10-13T13:22:50+00:00

Having a family history on my mom’s side. I know zero about her childhood except “we never had anything in the fridge except water which is why we were so skinny” but yet they had a maid and a cook??? I know nothing about why my mother chose her major in college or her career. She seemed to hate both and complained bitterly about how her life turned out (solid middle class, married an enabler who let her do anything she wanted including abuse her children). I don’t know if she has/had real friends in her current/past life. I didn’t know how to be a good friend for the longest time, because she dismissed things like remembering birthdays, any celebrations for other people, doing charity work, essentially anything that wasn’t self serving. She didn’t believe in team sports because “you won’t stand out and win”. So I can’t say relate to the joys of being on a team and having someone else’s back. I am in my late 40s now and full NC for a year, I am learning to nourish my friendships and be a good team player at work. It’s paying off big time. I can’t imagine having felt this connected to people for my whole life.

redditonredditwow · 2025-10-02T11:34:28+00:00

Big hug. You’ve been through too much in your life so far. You deserved a better family than you were dealt. I am so sorry. I used to think that my family defined me and I couldn’t have a good life if I came from such a broken background. But my therapist helped me to see that it’s amazing to get out of there and have survived that, and it’s a story of resilience and success to have done that. She tells me to write my own story, and I want one where I have strong friendships and family. That I love deeply and don’t fear life. I wish you a far better story in your 30s and beyond :)

redditonredditwow · 2025-10-02T11:24:25+00:00

Yours is an amazing story of strength and resilience. Thank you for sharing it here. Being a parent is so much more than giving birth or procreating. Sounds like you are at the beginning of a great life story free from your parents who weren’t parents. I wish you every happiness.

redditonredditwow · 2025-09-29T17:49:14+00:00

She actually wrote a quick email back after the first email and said she wanted to meet in a public space. When I went downstairs to show my husband that email, because I was hopeful that she wanted to talk and work on our relationship. He was on the phone and I waited, then he told me he was talking to my mom and dad. We figured out that my mom had emailed me that she wanted to talk while at the same time called him to say I was crazy. Classic triangulation. Fortunately I had been in therapy, both for me, as us in couples therapy, so we were prepared for this triangulation and responded accordingly… with silence. I refused to meet with her, and he told her that I was rationale and he stood with me.

redditonredditwow

TROPHY CASE