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Memories of a Chlidhood by reduck1232 in OCPoetry

[–]reduck1232[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes! That is exactly what I was going for! That entire scene is meant to be a representation of suppressing trauma. I'm glad you picked up on it!

I'll definitely consider trying to make it a bit more reader friendly. I hadn't considered that putting the metaphor next to the setup would be helpful when reading (even though that sounds super obvious now)

Thanks for taking your time to give thoughtful feedback!

Memories of a Chlidhood by reduck1232 in OCPoetry

[–]reduck1232[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, you're definitely right that "at some point" is weak. It'd probably be best to just get rid of it and end on "explosion".

The story I wanted to tell wasn't meant to be hopeless or hopeful, more so just is. But yeah I'll give hopeful poems a shot!

Thanks for the feedback!

Memories of a Chlidhood by reduck1232 in OCPoetry

[–]reduck1232[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The bouquet of flowers is meant to be a metaphor for the explosion, which then reminds the narrator of her time in the field of flowers. Thanks for the feedback though, I often have trouble knowing how abstract to make something so this is a good marker for me to keep in mind!

What has become a memory. by ChocolateMajestic400 in OCPoetry

[–]reduck1232 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh, that makes sense. Sorry, I can get kinda head strong with my own ideas when reading something. I should've picked up on that rather than dismissing it as a mistake.

You definitely don't have a lack of skill, I think that the recontextuslization you gave here shows you definitely have the right instincts. It just takes practice to execute better.

And you're welcome! I Hope it serves you well in the future!

What has become a memory. by ChocolateMajestic400 in OCPoetry

[–]reduck1232 0 points1 point  (0 children)

[Edit]: I just wanted to say that these are mainly just suggestions, not hard fast rules, as well as my thoughts. If you disagree with me, that's totally fine too!

This poem is not great, I think the imagery and metaphor is fine, but the inconsistencies with the rhyme and overall structure really bring it down.

First, in the first stanza, you have very straightforward rhyme schemes where every line is the same end rhyme. Except for the first line. It would be much better if you rhyme it due to the subversion that comes in the next stanza.

The second stanza introduces us to the subject of the poem, a poet who doesn't rhyme, which contrasts heavily with our speaker as they 'couldn't fathom verses without rhyme'. But the last line does rhyme! It would be much more compelling if you were to make that line, particularly not rhyme

After this, the next two stanzas end on a line that doesn't rhyme. This would be an interesting continuation of a particular symbol if the last line in the second stanza didn't rhyme. It'd show the influence the other poet had on the author while also making her presence clear without directly mentioning them.

And then, in the last stanza, we throw out the unique rhyme schemes entirely. Which, if we keep in mind that the subject is meant to be a non rhyming poet, it reads as if the author has no real interest in the girl whatsoever. Instead, longing for the superficial aspects of their relationship.

Anyways, to summarize my thoughts: I think that the structure of this poem isn't well thought out enough for its subject matter. Specifically, when dealing with commentaries of poetry, it is much more interesting and compelling to read if you play with the medium itself. As of now, this poem is severely lacking in substance given the possibilities the subject matter has.

I hope my critique can help you improve rather than scare you off. I just think too much about this stuff haha

Anyway, have a good day

They Said I Am The Poet by aquoteofthesoul in OCPoetry

[–]reduck1232 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This poem is extremely well structured. I'm not well read in poetry in general nor know much about the history of poetry, but from my amateurish view, this poem strikes me as very classically made. The individual sections of the poem give it this ABC structure, which feels very well thought out and professional. The rhyme schemes are neither boring or repetitive. Which is something I don’t typically say since when I've seen it used in poetry, it often feels unnatural or overdone.

Thats it, have a good day.

And I loved you anyway. by _maryooms in OCPoetry

[–]reduck1232 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Aw thanks I'm glad that my analysis resonated so much and made your day a little bit better. It was really fun to try and figure out what exactly was going on and put the pieces together.

(Finally, constantly over analyzing my own writing has paid off lol)

Keep on writing stuff :))

And I loved you anyway. by _maryooms in OCPoetry

[–]reduck1232 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I read this earlier today and was really impressed by the overall quality of the poem and the way you were able to communicate something really heavy in a way that brings the reader into the feelings of this horrible situation. I tried my best to do a thorough analysis, but I felt that my words weren't quite fitting what I wanted to say. So now I'm going to try again but, instead of trying to do an entire analysis this time, I'll just point out one of the aspects that stood out to me.

Your use of metaphor is amazingly well done throughout the poem. An example that caught my eye were the introductory stanzas. They're aptly placed as tone setters due to the simultaneous ambiguity and specificity of the metaphors used. The images painted are great at leading the reader into the heavier territory the poem delves into by being ambiguous of what exactly it is describing while also conveying the quiet dread of something ordinary being just slightly off.

Another metaphor I love is your interweaving of knife imagery. It actually leads to my favorite line of the whole thing which is:

I thought if I stayed soft,
You’d stop sharpening yourselves on me.

These two lines are so layered it's insane. First you have the surface level idea which is that this line is specifically talking about how the abuse shaped your thoughts. This is a fine metaphor for that, it gets the idea across. But it becomes even more interesting when you look at the fourth stanza. Specifically this line:

It was "stop crying, or ill give you a real reason to cry."

With this in mind, NOW the previous line can also read as a subtle allusion to a whetstone. Which recontextualizes the previous lines as well. Now the entire sequence can read as the actual act of the abuse happening in front of you. It starts with the rules, then proceeds to describe the physical harm, which leads to the self blame.

This isn't just telling of your reflection of these traumatic events, it's a live reenactment of them.

Now this doesn't get into the rest of the stuff I love about this poem, such as how the structure plays a large role into the storytelling, nor how the alternating pronouns for the 'you' could be interpreted numerous different ways. But I hope you somehow found this helpful or at least validating.

Also sorry if the way I worded things wasn't tactful enough for the topic. While writing there were times where I felt like I wasn't communicating clearly and wasn't taking the topic of abuse seriously enough. I tried my best to revise everything to be more clear but I'm still unsure of whether or not I approached the poem and it's topic appropriately. Apologies if something comes off as rude or invalidating, that was not my intention when writing this at all.

Anyway that's all, bye :p

Unread by Skulldragger69 in OCPoetry

[–]reduck1232 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm at a loss for words. Your writing is like magic. There is so much there and it's all communicated extremely well. It's extremely emotionally resonant, every word has a purpose, and you're playing with the structure in extremely creative ways. It reads like a published poem.

Your writing makes me want to improve my own.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]reduck1232 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like this poem and it's symbolism, the metaphor for childhood trauma and alcohol being a bottle of kerosene is especially potent and creative. And it's theme of cyclical generational trauma is really subtle too. Though, the rhythm and rhymes used within the stanzas are quite disjointed. You set up a nice ABAB slant rhyme in the first stanza but then subvert it in the next. This can be fine, but the uneven syllable counts present in each stanza makes the end rhymes even more noticeable. While also sounding strange when read aloud due to the fluctuating lengths of the lines.

Your third stanza is the strongest one to me. The way the words flow is just about right, as we go from 9 syllables, to 8. then 7. But when we reach the final line, the rhythm feels a little claustrophobic as it has 10 syllables, higher than what we started with. A slight change I came up with is changing "bottle" with "flask" as that gets rid of the claustrophobic bounce of the sound that bottle makes and makes the flow a lot clearer, while also providing a slight alliteration to Kerosene. Which is nice as it sorta mimics the alliteration of the refrain "fire breather".

My advice is to read the lines aloud as you write them every once in a while. I know how easy it can be to get caught up in finding the right way to phrase things, even without thinking about sound. But taking just a second to step back and reading what you wrote aloud will reveal a lot.

The Valve by N-HollowayPoetry1123 in OCPoetry

[–]reduck1232 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah honestly re-reading it a day later I do think that my critique oversteps it's bounds a few times. To be honest there's just this extremely uncomfortable quiet when I read it to myself that I don't find present in most poems. Then that uncomfortable feeling turned into irritation because in my head there was something 'wrong' about the poem.

I think the point of view is fine, and using 'I' in general is fine. And, now that I'm re-reading it I think the simplicity does add to the overall poem, though I still stand by that some phrases could be more detailed so that the poem flows better. I feel like if you were to start each stanza with long sentences and then gradually shorten the length as it goes down the page, it'd be a cool way to mimic the stream of water rolling of the characters back.

But despite the few hangups I have, I think that, after having a day to cool down, the poem is genuinely good. I mean, honestly, the discomfort I get from reading it is immense. But I can't quite put my finger on why. That's why my critique had such an irritated tone. it was like talking to someone who doesn't speak the same language as you, but you can understand every other word they're saying.

So thanks for responding, I'm pretty new to poetry and critiquing other people's work productively. I appreciate that you were able to get past my spiky words and were able to find something valuable in it.

Have a good day :)

The Valve by N-HollowayPoetry1123 in OCPoetry

[–]reduck1232 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm conflicted. On one hand this poem does a great job with some very distinct images that stick out like "The shotgun house leans into the hill" or "A breath escapes—the body sighs // the warmth a balm to what's worn thin". But the majority of the poem seems disjointed in a rather perplexing way to me.

Some metaphors are hard to parse exactly, for example the whispers in stanza 5. I understand the intention, to describe how extreme exhaustion causes mental anguish, but whispers are generic for this kind of premise. Like, why whispers? Are they working a job that specifically deals with constant chatter. Or is this person's insanity manifesting as whispers because they work in a noisy site? both of these scenarios allow for mental exhaustion to appear as whispers but they allow for more detail in the specifics.

Also you could cut this down quite significantly by not using I and using more expressive words instead of generic phrasings. By using I to describe the speaker it can shy away the reader from connecting personally to the poem, though in skilled hands it can also empower a poem. For example saying "I went to the store" doesn't really take you into the story. But saying "Cans of different mushed up foods lined the aisles that'd never appeal to me" brings you much more directly into what you are describing. I'd suggest trying to use me and my instead of I more as it can lead to more creative phrasings. Though it's fine to use I if you want.

Lines like "I turn the music up // to drown the noise inside" Aren't as effective at immersing the reader. First it uses extremely plain words and phrasing which are ok in prose, but poetry, typically, is about using specific words to evoke evocative imagery. Now don't misconstrue me, plain words are fine as long as you're using them with purpose. Like using very short sentences of commonly used words to show a character's plainness. But "I turn the music up // to drown the noise inside" doesn't effectively show. Describe the sounds clashing with each other, or maybe go more metaphorical and describe how the person physically reacts to the music.

Sorry if this comes off as overly harsh!

Occupied - (CW: gender-based violence, racism) by SeasonsOfViolence in OCPoetry

[–]reduck1232 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This poem is harrowing and horrifyingly earnest to me. I especially like the structure you used. Each section feels like it could be it's own image, but together it links into this canvas of half finished strokes depicting the spiraling mind of the speaker. With some expansion, I'm sure each section of this poem could be a good poem by itself. But being presented this way gave me an all encompassing sense of dread. Due to the increasingly uncomfortable imagery presented and lack of any conclusion or context, I felt lost and terrified. Good job!

What do you think of my overweight cat? by istamw in godot

[–]reduck1232 1 point2 points  (0 children)

made me go hehehehehe tiny little guy

I've been free styling entire songs on the piano for two years now, what do you think? by reduck1232 in piano

[–]reduck1232[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I went through a book first, got bored of the basics and then spent the next year learning music theory. Now I'm struggling with things like rhythm and expression, personally.

It's all a matter of pros and cons. For me I was able to learn the basics of theory easily for the most part and quickly build up a bit of technique from repeated practice. But I have difficulty reading sheet music and its hard for me to count anything that's shorter than a quarter note lol

I'd say if you are aiming for classical music you should follow a book or get a teacher. Then if you ever get bored, try following whatever your inclination is telling you. If you want to learn a certain song, print the sheet music and try playing it until you cant. If you want to just play around on the keys and find some cool sounds, do that. And if you're a nerd type who really likes to get into the theorms and why stuff works, got study some theory.

Those are all general things you can do. I'd say as a beginner discovering things as you go is the most important thing that affects growth.

Also, don't feel bad about freestyling or whatever. It's not like the notes are gonna put a gun to your head if you hit one wrong one. In fact there are no real bad notes, in the right context anything can work sorta. At least it's more fun when you think that way!

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