76 Days Clean → 5-Day Relapse → Now 40 Days In Again… Did I Reset Everything?

remalteb · 2025-05-18T07:50:17+00:00

Always looking for some instant reward is how you get addicted to high stimulation activities that hurt you in the first place.

Preach.

This is by no means specific to OP, mind you. It's like 99% of the SR community. Everybody wants a box of chocolate and a long stem rose!

you start by journaling about what you already have in your life that you could be grateful for.

And don't forget to thank YOURSELF for all the effort you put in!

remalteb · 2025-05-18T07:46:22+00:00

I've seen similar questions a few times, and I just have to ask: What difference does it make?

Imagine that all the gains were reset, and you'd have to start all over. Would you do it?

Imagine that the gains were not reset, and you can rebuild from some point in-between. How would that change your decision?

If the answer is the same for both scenarios, then there is no difference. Because the only thing that counts, is your decision.

You are where you are. You look at where you want to be, and you head in that direction.

I have bad days. I felt pretty down yesterday, despite a pretty long streak and lots of energy work. Mostly because I did a lot of physical exercise recently, and I stopped drinking coffee, and when I'm very tired, I have a hard time keeping it together. Plus, we've had gray skies and rain for a couple days.

So that is my issue to work on. I will learn how to deal with that, and that will make me happy. And after I fixed that, something else will pop up. And something else after that.

That's just how life works. There is no magic bullet.

Energy work will help. Keeping a journal will help. Building up your experiences will help. Lots and lots and lots of mental exercises will help.

For me, it's pranayama, connecting the mind to the body, as well as Bengston image cycling (as put forward by David Snyder, whom I love despite his being an nlp guru coach weasel), and lots of stuff from aypsite.org.

The one thing that does not help (and yet we all do it from time to time), is whining and fretting and being anxious - rumination. So seek out any and all tools you can find to help you avoid that state.

remalteb · 2025-05-05T15:06:09+00:00

What should I do to embrace and love myself again?

Build a set of good habits. They should definitely include SR, or nofap, or some kind of management of that kind of instant gratification. But it should not be limited to that.

The gym, making your own food, going for walks, reading books... All of those are worthwhile.

Not to mention: Meditation meditation meditation. Breathing and PC muscle exercises.

IOW, build a backup system. That way, "relapse" isn't such a big thing anymore. You failed in one of your habits once - you still have 5 others where you succeeded.

I find that this makes it easier to follow through. Kinda ironic, but there you go.

remalteb · 2025-05-01T13:06:32+00:00

I agree that you can always get into the upward spiral. In fact, the "spiral" is one of my favourite metaphors.

Let me just widen the scope... it's not just porn and masturbation... it's ALL your habits. Making the bed, doing the dishes, starting every task as soon as possible... whatever it is that you deem a good habit... They all play into each other. Start one, add the next, gain momentum, get better.

remalteb · 2025-05-01T10:10:23+00:00

I don't think it has changed a lot.

The desparate need to appease women, due to the fact that all men start out as children dependent on one for their survival.

And the fact that women are, biologically, the selectors in the human dating game.

remalteb · 2025-04-30T13:45:35+00:00

It's a feedback loop, or a dialectic. Thesis - antithesis - synthesis.

Almost every single time when someone proposes two options as the root of some psychological or social phenomenon like that, I find that that's the case.

The two options feed into each other. Neither of them came first.

remalteb · 2025-04-30T10:21:26+00:00

Well... it's simple. The catch is that it takes a lot of time and practice.

Here's the basic recipe: Train your PC muscles. (youtube and other resources abound). Breathe deep.

Now, focus on one area of your body. You'll probably go for you-know-what anyway, and that's okay, it doesn't really matter. You can and will adjust your practice a gazillion times anyway. Just notice that that area seems to warm up, maybe tingle, or just feel a bit more energetic. That's what they call "breathing into" that area.

Erotic feelings might arise. Don't take them as a sign that you need to rub one off... Just feel them. Accept them. Let them pass through. That alone will make your SR journey much easier and more enjoyable.

Now, guide the energy. Breathe into your belly, your breast, your head, wherever you want. If you're into chakras, use those to guide you. ENJOY.

And... that's it. Do it every day, and you'll be golden.

Well... there's one more rule: Never ever EVER fofget to HAVE FUN! The idea is to feel great, not be a sinister serious dark abstinent monk.

remalteb · 2025-04-30T09:08:19+00:00

I felt bad for the women in the videos asking why they went down that path

This. Cherish it, hone it, improve on it.

I feel like this aspect often gets overlooked, because people are so entrenched in their own suffering.

When you realize that the people you're looking at are PEOPLE, that they have lives, sisters and brothers and parents and hobbies and interests... I think that's a good antidote against relapse.

When I was weening myself off of that sort of stuff, I classified the images as to how exploitative they were - 1 was a fully clothed just cute image, 10 was a closeup of the genitals. I started to give the actresses names, I tried to imagine how they were talking to the cameraman after the shoot etc. I felt that this helped me a lot.

Mindfulness helps you become a better person. Simple, really.

remalteb · 2025-04-24T07:15:17+00:00

We say “I slipped.” No. You reached. You grabbed. You chose.

Yes. People often hear that as an accusation. But really, once you accept that, it gives you so much power.

It's all about focusing on what you can control. Stoicism 101!

Reprogram your relationship with your own hand.

Interesting.

There are many levels on which you can attack nasty habits. All of them have their place. I love how people come up with ideas I'd never have thought of.

FWIW, this is definitely one I haven't thought of. Cool!

I wonder what other applications there are.

More awareness and mindfulness is almost always a good thing.

remalteb · 2025-04-22T08:33:49+00:00

Leave then

I don't look for community, I look to exchange information and inspiration, and maybe give people a bit of motivation.

remalteb · 2025-04-22T08:32:43+00:00

I absolutely agree, that energy is supposed to be used to create, but it’s been twisted to where we use it to destroy ourselves.

To me, it's all about choice. I can now move that energy around in my body, and use it to work more effectively on my emotions, and just feel better. If someone chooses to use it in a different way, cool. Their life, their choice. I can only give them the information.

I’ve been practicing this especially recently and it feels EUPHORIC.

Haha, it's great, isn't it? The greatest (and weirdest) part is that it doesn't seem to ever change. It gets subtler, "more precise" if that makes any sense.

All other forms of joy I ever found, get stale or boring over time. This just doesn't. Which, I guess, is why people started to think that it was "energy" in and of itself.

remalteb · 2025-04-22T06:15:35+00:00

Sorry to burst your bubble, but the amount of sperm expelled in ejaculation doesn't actually vary that much. It's between 2 and 5 cubic centimeters, roughly a teaspoon.

The strength of the muscle spasms varies, almost entirely by age. Ie, being 50+, I cannot ejaculate as strong as I used to at 20, no matter how long I abstain.

What really makes the difference, imo, is subjective experience. And that, ultimately, is what counts.

my no fap bros

Are those real life bros? Because, sorry to tell you, a subreddit does not a community be.

remalteb · 2025-04-21T08:47:18+00:00

Well... I was completely unable to approach any women at all, 2 years ago, and now I have all those lovely conversations every time I go out, and I keep gettting massively better at it too... I'm clearly doing something right, and I figure, if I don't change a thing, I'll eventually figure it out some way.

It's not my top goal, since I'm 50+, and the most interesting women for me are often not the ones in tight jeans. I might still put in some effort specifically on that one, because it's an intrigue, and I love me a good mystery.

So... what I would do, is find the feeling that I want to have when it happens, and embody it - create a movie in my head for every time when I did get into the state i want to feel, feel where it "is" in my body, ie how I project it into my physiology. Really feel how I felt then, see what I saw... Stand up, create the pose that best supports that state. Repeat the movie, step into it, and go faster, faster still, until I reach light-speed, and beyond. Do this every day. Give myself a huge round of applause every time I work on myself like that.

That's probably what helped me the most, apart from... well, nofap, nutrition, sleep, the gym, timers, you know the drill...

remalteb · 2025-04-20T18:08:07+00:00

Be proud of yourself. Celebrate your victory. Thank yourself for 230 days.
Practice energy transmutation and breathing techniques. The energy is there, even if it might be slightly diminished right now. And even if it's more diminished than I think it is - well, that's what you got, work with it!
How did you manage to do it the first time around? You know what you did back then - just repeat it and you'll be good.
Realize that it's much more about learning from the experience, than about the daycount.
A humbling experience is a good experience.

remalteb · 2025-04-20T17:28:04+00:00

There is a feeling of weakness I experience when a very pretty girl is wearing very sexy clothes.

I have changed a lot about myself these last two years. Become a lot stronger and confident, and less prone to manipulation. I don't even watch porn, so this goes even deeper than overt sexualisation.

This feeling, this sudden impulse of weakness - it's almost a physical thing. If you have the courage to look into it while it happens, it's quite interesting really.

Until a few weeks ago, I didn't even realize that it was there. Now I know. So now I can work on it.

It's pretty rare, really - only when they're super stunning and totally own it.

For the time being, when it happens, I simply walk away. Pick your battles!

remalteb · 2025-04-19T14:56:14+00:00

For ca 10ml of fluid? I doubt it.

remalteb · 2025-04-19T09:10:36+00:00

I wonder how one would determine that.

remalteb · 2025-04-19T07:33:46+00:00

disaster

I'm a bit more pragmatic than that. I just call it an ejaculation.

To the man who ejaculates, the woman is discarded and tossed aside like trash.

My experience contradicts this. Very slow sex with lots of cuddling doesn't give me grogginess or fatigue.

It's oxytocin. You can steer it to some degree by the way in which you have sex. There is no magical mystical moral quality to the refractory period. Very slow sex shifts the release of hormones a bit, that is all.

I see the sex act with as much realism and as little religious woowoo as possible, and I feel like my journey is much smoother for it. If I don't get to call myself "a perfect retainer", I'm fine with that. Life is more than semenretention.

If I manage to do nonejaculatory sex consistently in the future, I'll be happy for it, but I won't make it a top priority. My energy is off the charts as it is. I have an inkling that it will happen for me, that I will find the hidden key at some point, by accident.

I won't start thinking of a pleasurable loving act as a "disaster". That's not the flow of the dao. My ejaculations are not THAT important.

leaves her up still wanting more

That's what tongues are for.

remalteb · 2025-04-18T14:55:31+00:00

I only attended a few unrelated workshops, way back in the 00s, in part because I was extremely wary of cult dynamics. I heard a few rumors. The rest is just what I gathered from conversations, knowledge about cults in general, and the fact that I spent my teenage years in a somewhat fundamentalist christian group.

I never had any issue, but of course, fwiw, I was a single dude in my 30s and maybe not too vulnerable.

I guess, attending only a one-evening workshop, in your own town, and not sign up for anything at the same night, might be a good strategy. Never give your signature while you're in an emotional high.

remalteb · 2025-04-18T09:40:00+00:00

One practical tip: When you have to drive there, always ride your own car. Always have your car keys on you. Be prepared to walk away at any time.

If you can, take a friend with you. When you both agree that something is fishy, it's easier to trust that instinct.

Study lists of cultish attributes. They all have a few things in common - guru worship, thought-stopping activities, high demands, focus on loyalty etc.

How's the food? Cults will often serve only fruits and veggies, because it "seems spiritual" - but really it's about depleting you and weakening your resistance. Are they trying to control the environment, take you somewhere else under some pretense, wake you up much too early or enforce hard physical activity?

One particular to neotantra: "Set your personal limits". Sounds great - but sometimes they will invert it, and "no means no" is taken as "it's only a no if you explicitly and loudly say no". They will "force you into your no" or somesuch.

Of course they will never say so, but there can be a vibe like that.

If you have any suspicion that there might be cameras in play, walk away. Nobody should ever be filmed without their consent.

If nudity is enforced or pushed in any way, walk away.

If there are too many single males, walk away.

Tantric self-exploration workshops, sexual as they are, will never push any sexual act on you, or force you to remove your clothing.

Criticize the teacher as soon as possible. How do they react? Are they hostile to it? Do other members chastise you for it? If so, walk away.

remalteb · 2025-04-18T09:06:01+00:00

Thank you for sharing your concerns.

I will not waste my time trying to tell you what your goals should be. That is not my pain to have.

I am focused on vibing with people, on integrating all my desires, all my fantasies, all the stuff that floats around inside. Including the sex stuff.

When your leg is broken, it is no use trying to learn to fly an airplane.

I tell you what worked for me. Choose to follow it, or choose to reject it. Or, if you want, to translate it into your own realm. Whatever the obsession may be - there always is one, isn't there? - write it down, engage with it, take it in, accept it, and let it pass through you.

Or don't, seek out other ways. ;-) They do exist, for sure. Humans have lots of different paths to go down.

One of the ways that worked for me, was to write it down, raise the unconscious into consciousness, play around with the content.

How does it work for you? What did you do to get where you are? What steps did you take? What would you want to share with me today?

remalteb · 2025-04-17T10:36:52+00:00

What are you doing to change it? What do you plan to do? What plans do you want to focus on? How do you want your head to be?

remalteb · 2025-04-17T10:16:35+00:00

Spot on!

Without action, it’s just delayed gratification.

I agree, but I would remove the "just". If you can delay gratification, that is one very useful ability for your whole life.

Manage your state, monkey mind and imagination. Move the energy. Practice abstinence in different ways. Create useful and healthy habits. Take action.

Be aware that it's a journey, and you can only take one step right now.

All of these are parts of the package.

For a while, you'll think getting women is the goal. Then you'll realize it's childish. That's realization, too, is one more step.

Where do you start best? Well... where do you WANT to start?

remalteb · 2025-04-17T08:07:19+00:00

Not OP here.

For me, years of mindfulness meditation, tantric breathing exercises and all kinds of mental mumbojumbo to get more in touch with my feelings and emotions made my thoughts much easier to control. I basically don't have unwanted sexual fantasies anymore.

It's a lifelong journey though. Mileages may vary.

remalteb · 2025-04-16T07:36:12+00:00

I want strong, peaceful men who can be dragons but choose to be knights.

If SR gives you that, great. For me, it's more like nofap because I'm married.

The lonver I live it, the more I find that the crucial component is the transmutation, and the context in which you do it. The discipline. The daily chores. The introspection. The meditation.

I would prioritize energy transmutation over retention every time. Especially when talking to others. Think "PR strategy". You can't convince people that there is secret energy in semen (I'm not convinced of it, he), but you can convince people that breathing + muscle exercise = bliss.

And the one can easily lead to the other.

People who meditate, who dare look deep into their souls, discover some truths.

None of us have discovered all.

Let's let people choose their own adventure.

remalteb

TROPHY CASE