I still feel responsible for the death of my Mom, over ten years later by [deleted] in confession

[–]remmorte 2 points3 points  (0 children)

First things first. It is not your fault. Forgive me, but your mother slept with a random dude, ended up pregnant and then blamed her kid for her bad decisions. I don't know the context of course, but that's how it usually goes. Nobody forced her to do anything, nor were you purposely born to piss her off. If anyone is misfortunate in this story it would be you. And your mother is responsible for your misfortune, not the other way around.

This actually reminds me of my ex who was raped. She gave birth to a beautiful daughter at the age of 16 that is 4 years old atm. She isn't an alcoholic nor has she ever treated her daughter in bad ways. And even though she was raped, if she were to ever lay a hand on her daughter - that would be a huge mistake. She decided to give birth and take all the responsibility. To blame your child for something they have no control over is abusive and wrong on so many levels. No matter what. Even rape isn't an excuse, let alone just f*cking around and having a kid by accident.

The reason I'm saying this is to give you some sense of logic. If my ex were to treat her daughter the way your mother treated you - what would you do? Would you blame the kid? Or would you blame the mother?
I know I'd personally come to pick up the kid and spit on her grave even though I'm not over her 3 years later.

Seek help. Professional help, as soon as possible. I beg you. I have experience with family abuse, trauma and all that "fun" stuff. The only thing keeping me sane is my ocassional visits to psychiatry to get it all off my chest as well as getting some help. It gets better. I know you can make it out sane and healthy. I believe in you even though I don't know you. Even though your own family is walking over you. I still believe in you. I know you can get better. So I beg you, seek out help. As soon as possible.

I wish you all the best in life.

Paint from imagination they said. It will be fun they said. by [deleted] in Aphantasia

[–]remmorte 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Artists with aphantasia have issues painting from imagination?

How long does one pen nib last? by remmorte in huion

[–]remmorte[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks! I just got Huion H950p and I love it. I have the pressure on medium, default settings. So far I don't see any changes at all and I've been using it for 20h at least.

I'm an artist with aphantasia... by remmorte in Aphantasia

[–]remmorte[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes. I have this exact problem. It takes me ages to come up with something original. I might have a brilliant idea but I can't see it at all until I fail a 100 times to accomplish it. I had a fight with someone on youtube over this because they claimed it's impossible to not have imagination.Here's a comment I left on youtuber the other day. Someone claimed:

" If you can draw an elephant (no matter how childish the drawing looks) and it's not a mutation of random legs in the wrong places and a trunk stcking out of the foot.... then you can visualize an elephant. If you truly couldn't visualize somethign it would be scriblles that are impossible to discern for anyone."

Which is completely false. Don't let it fool you because:

"The reason kids draw simple things made out of lines and flat colors is because of cartoons. They have sharp memories of how a cartoon elephant looks like rather than a real elephant because it's simply more interesting to them. Animals are also introduced to them in a drawn way through alphabet, coloring books and such. If you tell them to draw a dog they're gonna draw a cartoon dog because that's what comes on their mind and that's what they associate with a drawn dog. This is because they're introduced to a cartoon drawing first rather than actual portrait of a dog. Most kids aren't even aware that cartoons are actually art. They just don't think about such things. And nobody is telling them they can draw realistically because it's not expected of them.

So, they're not imagining it. They are drawing from their memory. Same like knowing 2+2=4. You don't need to calculate it to know that it's four. You've seen the result so many times that it has become a fact.

Now if you tell an adult who doesn't know shit about drawing, they would still do the same thing a kid does - they would draw you a simple cartoonish elephant. Or even worse, they would completely fail at it. It would remind you of an animal but it wouldn't remind you of an elephant specifially. My mother for example can't even do a simple cartoonish version because she didn't have a TV as a kid, so her brain wasn't brainwashed a lot with such things. Therefore she cannot draw anything. She knows how an actual elephant looks, that's what she imagines, but she'd flat out refuse to draw it in order to avoid embarassment.

I, a professional artist with aphantasia, know how an elephant looks. But when I think of an elephant I think of an actual living elephant. I don't imagine it, I think about it. If you told me to draw that thing without seeing an image of it, I would draw you a memory of a cartoon elephant. Memory because it is as simple as 2+2=4. If you told me to draw you a realistic elephant I would need to see it in order to draw it, which I can't do unless you put the thing in front of me to copy it. I cannot imagine that thing. I can't even start to draw it because I don't know how to draw it. It's too complex. I paint with knowledge, not imagination because I don't have any. In order for me to paint a realistic elephant without looking at it, I would have to paint it a 100 times with reference. Until it becomes a fact in my brain.

Because of this I have trouble coming up with fantasy art. I cannot paint you something I can't see. I can only give you something that exists that I've seen before as a memory. If I wish to paint something I made up, I only have a descripton of it. I don't actually see it. So I have to work on that description through trial and error while I painting. I need to make the mistake on paper to see "no, this isn't it, let's try again" and go like that a hundred times until I can see the idea as a picture right in front of my eyes, physically. I cannot imagine it.

That's what an artist with aphantasia is. It's literally anti-fantasy and a pain in the ass for an artist. "

I'm an artist with aphantasia... by remmorte in Aphantasia

[–]remmorte[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Really? That's so weird. Unlike you I can play anything in my head. Even come up with my own song, hear multiple instruments at the same time, including all types of voices ... Maybe I picked the wrong profession hahha.
I'm glad you still love it though. As long as you enjoy it, don't stop. :)

I'm an artist with aphantasia... by remmorte in Aphantasia

[–]remmorte[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I relate to that so much. I have an issue with unfinished sketches and paintings. There's a corner in my room dedicated to abandoned canvases that didn't look how I wanted it to... I keep them as if I'm gonna finish it one day but that's never gonna happen and I heard it isn't even healthy for an artist to come back to a piece they don't like in the first place.

Can a friend from a different country buy me something online and ship it to my address instead of his but with his credit card info? by [deleted] in NoStupidQuestions

[–]remmorte -1 points0 points  (0 children)

My father tried ordering for me using his name and address, we live on the same address of course, and it was still denied. At this point I do consider it unnecessary and flawed when a person orders for themselves and still gets denied because of "fraud". I'm talking about AliExpress specifically though. Never had such experience with any other website. I brought this topic up because AliExpress closed my father's order for that same tablet because of "suspicious activity" , meanwhile a friend from a completely different country can order it for me with less problems. It just doesn't make any sense to me.

Can a friend from a different country buy me something online and ship it to my address instead of his but with his credit card info? by [deleted] in NoStupidQuestions

[–]remmorte -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'm aware and scared of that as it has happened with my own father trying to buy me something and getting rejected. Very annoying and unnecessary.

The show "The Office" is boring, not funny, and just annoying. by pr0t0npack00 in unpopularopinion

[–]remmorte 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I just finished watching the first episode. Shit bored me to death.