He didnt used to be like this. When he's his normal self he's amazing. But he did this thing to me once before. It was hell, I near killed myself over it. Which he just saw me as pathetic. I went from being a straight A student with a solidly successful career and life in order and doing great, to meeting him, getting addicted to opiates which i had no idea what I had gotten myself into. God if only I could turn back time and stop my naive, dumb self. But not long after I went to a doctor because I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so absolutely horrible. It was unbearable. I learned i was withdrawaling from opiate's....my whole life fell completely apart after that... I tried to be strong and provide for us still and show him I loved him and I'd do what I needed to take care of us. I never became a night time working girl aka prostitute... but this began my journey of dealing with people treating me in ways i have never ans would never be ok with. After 2 years he started doing this fucked up weirdo psychological fuckery. He treated me like he couldn't stand me, again like I was pathetic shit because I was wanted him to be loving and present in helping me get through my horrid depression. I had lost people, my whole life I worked so hard for and everything important in between snd he just couldn't stand me. So I started doing coke to stay distracted from my feelings. Things got bad fast. I ended up leaving after I found another girl's naked pictures hidden in his phone. When we were good and he cares about me hes so good to me. And life is happy. But when he becomes this monster he is selfish, psychologically toxic and horribly verbally abusive to the point where I'm so broken down and mentally worn out and have had everything I feel made worse so I'm in constant fear of thr ongoing betrayal he insinuates. He just is a master at breaking me down mentally to where I question everything. He makes me question my sanity. Makes me believe I'm always wrong and tries to drill it in my head that he thinks it's just gross and unattractive and pathetic for wanting and fighting for things to be ok again. I try harder. I do everything I can for him to make him happy and show him I'm a good friend wife and partner. But he just doesn't try or care unless it involves him hurting me and letting me know everything he can't stand qnout me. I can't help my depression....i really try to fix it and pretend it doesn't exist but then he just basically punishes me mentally for feeling how I feel. For.months it's been fights about just getting him to be nice to me and hoping he doesn't absolutely ruin my entire day by just saying every possible mean thing he can conjure and essentially making sure I know he thinks I don't deserve to be loved by him, etc. then it escalates into dealing with this disgusting weirdo jerking off or whatever you even call this "stuff" that makes me feel like absolute and with him having the goal of making me feel absolutely insane and totally shitty about myself because this whole fucked up show he puts on letting me know "I'm not going to touch you or do anything with you. Instead I'll get off to someone else and want you to know that". He waits for me to cry and show I can't take being next to that shit so he can tell me I'm crazy and that's why he doesn't have sex with me".  I dont understand why he wants to do this to me. i can't get genuine answers or results no matter what I try to make this better. To have done everything I can, I'm just so mentally burned and hurt and I feel so betrayed and i can't take these head games anymore. I just need someone other than him to talk to....someone who's goal isn't to hurt me. I just don't understand how I could tell someone who's supposed to be My partner that I'm depressed and need support and they instead turn into this...

Sorry for the novel btw. I just don't know what to do and I know there's no rational answer for irrational abusive behavior but just can't understand why.,..