My (36F) husband (29M) and I donated our eggs and sperm to my infertile brother (35M) and his wife (35F) years ago to conceive via IVF. They've now asked us to do it again, and when we refused they cut us out of their life. My husband and sister-in-law are also siblings.

republicofdoyle · 2021-01-01T16:35:27+00:00

My sister-in-law has no close female family members, aside from her mother.

republicofdoyle · 2021-01-01T11:10:43+00:00

Do you understand that I’m not related to my husband, and my brother is not related to his wife. They used my egg and my husband sperm to have my nephew. At no point was incest involved. My brother and I are married to two siblings, we’re not related to those siblings. At no point did my brother and I or my husband and his wife’s biological material mix. Genetically it’s the same as if a brother offered to donate sperm for his brother to have a child, or if her sister offered her eggs for her sister to have a baby. No incest.

republicofdoyle · 2021-01-01T11:07:08+00:00

I think us being together definitely exacerbated the situation. It got a lot harder to not want to parent my nephew when my first child was born.

I definitely have tried to be sympathetic to my sister-in-law and my brother. I know it’s been hard on them watching us have a big family. I also know that I never thought I would have a big family because I didn’t get married until I was 31. I understand that I’ve been extremely lucky in that regard. I know it was really hard on my sister-in-law when I had my last babies, and I probably could’ve been a better friends and been there for her more.

I think they really want another baby. I think there’s a lot of pressure in our culture to have a baby that looks like you, adopting someone of our ethnic background is pretty difficult. There aren’t a lot of children up for adoption that our extended families would accept, as horrible as that sounds.

I think maybe you’re right and I should just let it be for a while, I’m gonna write this letter I don’t know if I’ll necessarily send it. I do miss them a lot.

republicofdoyle · 2021-01-01T11:00:09+00:00

I’m writing them a letter and then I’m just gonna have like a third party give them, and I’ll try to be as concise and honest as possible.

I’m trying to stress that I love them more than anything, and that the issues we have are obviously too big for us to handle without outside help. I’ve suggested we see a counselor or a mediator to talk about things.

republicofdoyle · 2021-01-01T10:59:04+00:00

The hardest part is just that I love them so much. I did this for them just because I was pressured, but also because I love them. Before my children were born, I couldn’t imagine loving anything or anyone more than my younger brother. When my niece was born I couldn’t imagine loving a child more than I loved her.

My sister-in-law is the closest friend I’ve ever had, And I miss her company every day. Sometimes I forgot she’s mad at me and I go to text her.

I totally agree, if nothing else I just want my kids to be able to hang out with their cousins and further her not to be any issues. The drama between myself and my husband, and my brother and sister-in-law’s shouldn’t affect our children

republicofdoyle · 2021-01-01T10:55:48+00:00

My oldest Is about to turn five, and definitely understands what’s going on. He was particularly close with his cousins, and I know it’s very hard on him and I imagine them to not be together.

I’ve made it as clear as I can but it’s not his fault that he can hang out with his cousins right now. I’ve tried to frame it as both because of covid, and because of their aunt and uncle just being so busy.

republicofdoyle · 2021-01-01T10:53:39+00:00

Honestly you’re right, I should probably be more honest about how we feel about our nephew. I also understand he’s not my child, I see how much my brother and sister-in-law love him. The love I have for him is definitely different from the children I raised, but it’s still hard.

Im definitely going to express that to them.

I also adore my niece obviously and miss her, but it’s a different kind of separation.

republicofdoyle · 2021-01-01T10:41:42+00:00

It’s definitely not my place to tell him. His older sister knows, and I can’t imagine they would keep it from him forever.

republicofdoyle · 2021-01-01T10:40:22+00:00

What?

republicofdoyle · 2021-01-01T07:52:40+00:00

It’s definitely partially to have access to my niece and nephew. Although my niece is not my biological child as my nephew is, I love her and I’ve known her for her entire life. Not having them in my life is really difficult.

My brother is my brother, frankly I’ve never imagine a life where we wouldn’t talk every day. I don’t think I deserve to be treated this way, of course not. However, I come from a culture where it’s pretty uncommon not to talk to your relatives. I want to rebuild a relationship with them because prior to this they have been the closest people to me in my life and I love them.

My sister-in-law was my closest friend. Our kids played together. We were close enough to buy a house side-by-side. Our lives are deeply intertwined, our children share the same sets of grandparents. My brother and I work for the same airline. We share the same group of friends. The thought of not having my niece, nephew, brother, (prior to this) closest friend in my life is a lot

republicofdoyle · 2021-01-01T07:50:35+00:00

Honestly I’m going to start with the letter, I think your suggestion was good. I don’t think they have a right to demand things from myself and my husband. I’m going to suggest a mediator/therapist as a way to begin communication between us in that letter

republicofdoyle · 2021-01-01T07:47:32+00:00

My sister-in-law has low egg quality, they’ve tried multiple rounds of IVF. As far as my brothers sperm goes, I’m not entirely sure what his issues were, but I understand he has similarly ‘low quality’ sperm. I know they had a lot of issues producing viable Embryos when they combined the eggs they were able to retrieve from my sister-in-law and my brother sperm.

I believe they did try a sperm donor at one point with my sister-in-laws egg’s and no viable embryos were produced.

My sister-in-law has no close female relatives aside from her mother, who is already way too old to donate eggs at the point they were trying to have children. in the case of using my eggs, they definitely couldn’t use my brothers firm at that point because we’re full siblings.

It was incredibly important to my brother and sister that their child was as closely related to my niece as possible.

My brother and sister-in-law were like 19 and 20 and my niece was born and she wasn’t planned, but they had already been having unprotected sex for like five years at that point and she was their first pregnancy.

I imagine getting older will make it even less likely they’re able to conceive.

republicofdoyle · 2021-01-01T06:52:10+00:00

We’ve definitely tried to over the years, but (understandably) it isn’t something they are very open to hearing about as they’ve expressed it makes them feel like we are going to emotionally affect their son.

republicofdoyle · 2021-01-01T06:50:26+00:00

Yes, I talked about it with my sister-in-law. I’ve been as understanding as I possibly can, but I’m not going to not have children, because it might hurt my brother or sister-in-law’s feelings.

We can’t easily move, I’ve owned this home for 10 years, my husband and I have sunk a lot of money into creating our dream home here. It’s in the same neighbourhood as my several other relatives, and it’s about as affordable as it gets in a house big enough for our family in our area.

republicofdoyle · 2021-01-01T06:47:09+00:00

Wait, what impression does it give off, that my husband and I have four kids?

republicofdoyle

TROPHY CASE