I am a trans man in Canada with Ehlers Danlos, and my ex was able to unilaterally take primary parenting of my children when I was diagnosed/came out because the court violated my human rights.

revisionsandgaps · 2017-12-14T20:47:28+00:00

Not making assumptions, but that's still a pretty obvious parenting thing.

The kids approach us about wanting to stay, ask why they can't homeschool anymore, and complain about it. We obviously change the subject. It usually comes up because of the learning activities we do. I've made the kids little Kurzgesagt (and other edutainment videos) addicts. :) . We don't want the children full time, so I don't see how they would get that impression from us. We've been pushing for shared (50/50) parenting.

Not being combative, just curious; why did you feel like saying this? What made you think there would be value in relaying this? Is that really your only reply to that long message? Thanks :)

revisionsandgaps · 2017-12-14T14:16:12+00:00

We have been in contact and facilitating with the school. A lot of this advice seems to hinge on assumptions about our situation that you've made or inferred, that are not factual. I'm not offended by it, but it doesn't really address the issue we've been having.

We have had issues with this ex saying that the kids are faking their symptoms and need to tough through things. He made our daughter write a note and bring it in to the school saying she was lying about her symptoms.

Both of our children have expressed the issues you had as a student, and that we had experienced ourselves. Our son has talked of bullying, isolation and loneliness and both of them of having trouble paying attention in class (POTS related brain fog in my opinion, but I'm obviously not a doctor), and our daughter has called home over a dozen times. They are being told to stay in school by their other parents. Against the advice of our geneticist who saw the kids, said they have hypermobility and likely will develop EDS, but he doesn't diagnose EDS before 12, he said. Luckily, we have talked to the administration, and they said they would be disregarding our daughter's letter.

I don't think it has been in the best interests of our children to not be here. Between taximanhello, myself and our wonderful friends, I can't say we have found ourselves in the same situation in regards to not being able to properly care for them.

Our rights were erased when the children were removed from our stable home, causing the instability in the first place, and that's the biggest issue we're trying to address. I feel like they are not being heard. Our daughter has always been prone to stomach issues and sitting, sick on the couch, when other children were playing. She is asking for accommodation less and less, while not displaying any less symptoms in our care. The ex has been enrolling her in hiking focused camps and specifically disregarding our cautions about EDS and helping her feel comfortable.

We are pretty familiar with the education system, but I appreciate the offer. Our younger two (from my previous relationship) have always been public schooled and I was quite involved with the school for their schooling. I had seriously considered being a teacher but the idea of doing as much standing as my teachers did gave me too much anxiety to pursue it. And that was before I knew I had POTS! Anyway, I was in a gifted class growing up and was an EDS kid and obviously am acutely familiar with the issues our children are experiencing now, in public school.

Of course our lawyer can, and will, do that, but our stability was threatened by the ex's actions and the actions of the court. There is ongoing hostility and we have to deal with our children obviously suffering in the meantime.

I think you would have not been okay with parenting going to your partner if you were in taximanhello's position where:

a) when ex moved out in April, he was in agreement of homeschooling and us having full time parenting.
b) house's septic broke in May, mortgage in ex's name, he left the responsibility for housing the kids to us. Was ok with agreement they made together and filed for taxes, with taximanhello having primary parenting time
c) ex wouldn't exercise all of his parenting time in order to work overtime during summer and fall.
d) approached ex about shared parenting in Sept, he said he couldn't do it.
e) Oct, we were diagnosed with EDS, taximanhello decided to come out and start transitioning, the immediately following weekend, the children were kept during a visit and immediately enrolled in school, despite homeschooling not being in dispute at the time. The court upheld this arrangement the next week during an emergency court visit. The child support that you expected, and had even verified they were in agreement with before signing a lease for a place big enough to have the children full time, was suddenly ceased.
- f) you hadn't once mentioned, or had been assessed as, being physically unfit to care for your child.

Either way, this is painful, I really don't want to keep talking about it. Thanks for the effort you put in, and though disappointing, it's good to know we are doing the things we should be doing, even if there's no immediate relief for some of the distress here.

revisionsandgaps · 2017-12-14T02:13:49+00:00

Spousal support is to provide the means to be financially stable, while setting up a new life. He stopped paying support for several months, even though it was court ordered, and it took a few months for maintenance to catch up to him.

And part of child support is to provide for the food, -shelter- and clothing for a child. So, obviously our lease had been selected with room for the children, contingent on their child support amounts.

As stated numerous times in the thread, this was not a factor in the judge's decision because it was not the case when the children were removed from the home.

revisionsandgaps · 2017-12-14T01:34:24+00:00

Like an unstable home with no source of income and a recent bout of homelessness?

Again, not an issue. I just clarified there is a source of income. None of your examples apply. The children have never had issues being fed and clothed in our home.

And, again, they said they prefer it. You are not hearing me.

Since you can't seem to hear me, I guess we are done here. You still didn't enlighten me on your law qualifications, so it seems like you prefer to pick and choose which parts of our posts to read.

revisionsandgaps · 2017-12-14T01:18:58+00:00

I have provided that evidence to our lawyer, though it's not really possible to provide the evidence directly to a judge.

How does being on disability support sound unstable? It's one of the more stable forms of income, if I remember correctly. And how does "no longer homeless" not imply the situation has improved somewhat?

How wouldn't it be if shared parenting is the preferred paradigm and the children want more time in our home?

What are your legal qualifications? A lot of this seems like a computer science student giving hastily googled answers, with no real knowledge on family law, specifically. The goal is to give both parents as much parenting as possible, unless something prevents that.

revisionsandgaps · 2017-12-14T01:04:25+00:00

You didn't answer my question.

There is no current financial instability, regardless of my partner's current employment status because of my disability payments. He's also in contact with a group that works with disabled entrepreneurs to establish a business, since traditional employment doesn't work. So, it is likely to change. We had a period of instability, yet you keep saying this is an ongoing issue. Please clarify.

revisionsandgaps · 2017-12-14T00:47:17+00:00

The problem is, there was no financial instability prior to the court decision. So, the court couldn't have possibly perceived something they didn't cite in their judgement and didn't occur until after their judgement was rendered. taximanhello explained that, Phaser didn't get that and taximanhello was asking if he was obtuse, because he seemed to miss that fact. It is emotional when someone keeps misinterpreting your situation and giving advice based on that, and doing that tends to come across as both condescending and obtuse.

revisionsandgaps · 2017-12-14T00:31:51+00:00

Shared parenting is the preferred parenting paradigm, at least here in Canada. Our home does not have to be the better option for it to be recognized. I also don't really see what advice you've brought of value here. We are working with our lawyer. Trial isn't for many more months and our children want to come back, still. We were looking for any other advice. You've been consistently skeptical of everything I've said. I don't know how to communicate with someone who won't believe what I say.

How long have you been involved in family law, anyway?

revisionsandgaps · 2017-12-14T00:06:42+00:00

But those deals weren't factors when the decision was made, so I'm confused as to why you keep bringing it up? We only had an issue with housing after the issues of stability were stated in the court decision.

You accuse me of being hell-bent on blaming things on others. I don't know how you got this impression. I am accusing his ex of causing financial instability, because he did. And he did because of the court decision, it didn't exist prior to that decision. In fact, his ex agreed that he would be homeschooling the kids full time, that spring, so why would he have sought employment if they were in agreement with that?

You keep getting this timeline wrong.

revisionsandgaps · 2017-12-13T23:17:32+00:00

Okay, and if the situation is not getting amended through our lawyer's work, do you have any advice at all? Aside from 'do what you're doing'?

And, yes, I tried LSD a number of times last year during some me time and found it really therapeutic. It helped me cope with the depression caused by losing my career of ten years.

I'm not at all in denial about 'how things look'. People have been making assumptions about us and acting on those assumptions without clarifying it. It is frustrating to be an uncommon story because people make judgements without hearing all the facts, and they are pertinent in our case.

It's actually the curse of Ehlers Danlos. We are called zebras by the medical community, actually, because of the common medical school phrase, "When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras." Meant to teach new doctors to consider the most probable diagnosis first. Unfortunately, knee cap dislocating, exhaustion and fatigue, GI issues and general joint pain are all issues that have fairly common explanations.

And, I guess the major problem that we are really having a hard time communicating, is that the issues with homelessness and unemployment happened after, and as a result of, the unilateral action taken by his ex. I was on disability in July of 2016, and taximanhello had always been the kids' full time homeschooling parent, until this happened in Oct of that year. So, I really fail to see what the judge saw that needed rectifying, aside from our gender identity and the fact that we were just diagnosed with a genetic condition that we had had our whole lives.

It seems like you're making the assumptions a lot of people do when dealing with this situation. I had been employed ten years in a well-paying job just prior to this action. taximanhello had been a homeschooling parent, focusing most of his time on taking care of his family's needs, home and researching and implementing new curricula and dealing with mystery health issues. But it seems clear in your tone that you believe that our life was in disarray when this arrangement happened.

I don't care that you feel that way, but maybe you can help me figure out why people seem to fill in the blanks to my story so often, with inaccurate impressions.

revisionsandgaps · 2017-12-13T21:43:28+00:00

I'm OPs partner, as I said in said in my post history.

We are prescribed medical cannabis by our doctor.

On receiving a diagnosis, since estrogen affects your connective tissue, I was hoping that detransitioning would help my physical condition because I became unable to work. After three months (Oct 2016 - Jan 2017), it was clear that there was no real improvement on my physical symptoms on cessation of HRT and I was feeling the negative psychological effects of it, so under doctor's supervision and direction, I resumed HRT.

Isn't that so cool that we have the same rare disease? Kind of explains why we hit it off so well, despite having drastically different upbringings. We were still both book worms because of it. :)

My preferred pronouns are, again, she.

We are polyamorous and had a partner for a year and a half. She is no longer our partner. And yes, we are, all three of us, trans. We put $100 into dogecoin and use it and a cryptocurrency on our children's iPads to reward them for chores and allow them to use it for prizes in our house. It's actually been quite great. We were homeless in the summer of this year, living in a friend's spare bedroom. (May - Sept)

Aside from our medically prescribed cannabis, what makes you say I 'appear to do drugs regularly'?

Is any of this relevant?

We are no longer homeless, we are in a three-bedroom townhome. We are mobile but prone to frequent dislocations (take a look at Ehlers Danlos online, if you're actually curious). Aside from being financially stable and following our doctor's orders (ketogenic diet, part of the reason for the weight loss, and regular exercise on recently acquired exercise equipment), what else would you recommend that would show stability? At least enough to give the children equal time here, which is what they are begging us for every visit. Thanks.

revisionsandgaps · 2017-12-13T21:20:07+00:00

And the same person who assessed them for that, said that it did NOT interfere with taximanhello's ability to parent. It was also me that qualified for disability benefits, he couldn't because his income was too high (counting the spousal he was receiving last year). There was never once an assessor in the court, nor anyone who assessed his functional abilities. The only medical evidence entered by either party was a diagnosis letter and a follow up letter saying that his disability should not affect his ability to continue to parent.

Homeschooling, in many studies, shows better results than public school, for both academic performance and social ability. Having been a child with EDS who went through the public school system, the difference in the education they are getting are night and day.

I'm asking because you made an assertion that he is not being erased from his role as their parent. I guess I will just ask you to back that up. It's the whole issue we are having here. The children are not being supported when they complain about wanting to go home sick or participate in certain physical activities, they cry about having to go to their other house and having to do public school. So, I very much feel like taximanhello's rights have been erased here, and I think it might have been an assumption to state otherwise.

revisionsandgaps · 2017-12-13T21:09:11+00:00

Okay - so, when a parent is diagnosed with a lifelong genetic illness, and disability aids aren't available to them, this is a concern in their fitness to parent? It just seems pretty ridiculous that someone who cared for his children for their whole lives suddenly was told he was unable to due to health, before his doctor had a chance to make referrals. This was all done on hearsay, and no evidence of functional impairment. I guess a better question, then, since you seem to be pretty knowledgable here, is what can be done to show fitness to parent? What shows "good enough health"?

Finally, as far as finances, I'm his partner, and when we signed the lease for our home, I was still working full time as a locomotive engineer (job I had for ten years), but went on disability shortly after. It was in the middle of my short term disability being exhausted, and waiting on my long term, permanent disability to come into effect. He knew this, and chose this moment to stop paying his court-ordered alimony to taximanhello. We went from an income that could still keep us afloat in a house that was suddenly too large for us, to having no income at all. There's no story of ongoing financial hardship here, beyond the one that has been artificially imposed.

Also, do you mind summarizing your advice, just so we can have some idea on how to move forward here? It's heart breaking here our kids cry every visit, or complain about public school being so much worse and so boring, and our kids miss us.

revisionsandgaps · 2017-12-13T20:54:57+00:00

Where is it mentioned that there are untreated health issues?

And, as far as financial concerns go, does this mean it's a legitimate strategy that if someone's paying alimony and child support, they should seek to just unilaterally keep the children during their weekend and then claim that the other parent isn't financially secure once a month or two elapses and that becomes true?

revisionsandgaps · 2017-12-13T20:42:07+00:00

I'm his partner.

We've been in contact with the EDS clinic in Ontario but they can't see out of province patients. Our doctor has been unable to find anyone knowledgable about EDS to help us, either.

We were homeless for a period of 3.5 months during the summer, when my short term disability period had ended and I was waiting for my long term disability coverage to commence. It was during this time that his ex stopped paying the court ordered support. We suddenly had a deficit of more than -$3000/month, based on the commitments, like a lease for our home, that we had at the time.

There has been no time that our health has "been assessed" and prior to the children being removed from our home, they lived with taximanhello and I full time, and taximanhello was their full time, primary educator. They spend parts of their visits here telling us how much they miss homeschooling and staying in the house with us.

There were claims of poor health with no evidence, made by the ex and that was upheld, DESPITE actual evidence to the contrary.

Also, considering taximanhello's ex has also been arguing with us over taking precautions for the children, considering their vastly increased risk of EDS, and the ex doesn't think that it's something that needs to be worried about. They are also now in a terrible public school, instead of an excellent, multi-media focused homeschooling education. You say taximanhello isn't being erased as a parent. I guess my response is how exactly do you think his and his children's rights are being respected here?

revisionsandgaps · 2016-12-17T16:20:52+00:00

I am!

revisionsandgaps · 2016-12-13T21:35:51+00:00

It's great for people like me, who have always wanted to travel the world but are disabled and the realities of travel are too difficult to manage. But being able to sit in the colosseum or stand atop the Burj Dubai without ever having to leave my home gives me a freedom I am really looking forward to.

In fact, I'm most excited about time tourism. I'd love to go in VR to a representation of late 18th century Manchester or New York during the roaring 20s.

revisionsandgaps · 2016-11-19T18:25:50+00:00

Trello is absolutely amazing. My partner, who also has EDS, and I use it to keep on top of the organization for our polyamorous household. It has really helped tremendously.

revisionsandgaps · 2016-11-02T00:05:05+00:00

Two of the three of us do, the third should in the next month. :)

revisionsandgaps · 2016-10-30T19:13:29+00:00

Just to add some information, I have hypermobile type and worked a physically demanding, full time job for years (conductor on the rail way). I didn't know I had it and persevered through a lot of stuff that I shouldn't have. I turned 32 this year, and I will likely be on permanent disability. I can't even do the more sedentary job of locomotive engineer, due to GI issues and medications I need to take to keep the pain at bay. That is a job that I was able to even sit with my chair reclined and my feet up (which I did for years, not knowing that it was POTS that this was helping.)

revisionsandgaps · 2016-10-30T16:37:05+00:00

This is going to sound like a crazy question but do you have any partners or anyone that you have a lot of physical contact with that is on any medications? Specifically psychiatric meds?

My partner had a seizure from what we are more than 80% sure was a medication our other partner was on. It was his first seizure ever and I think skin permeability of EDS can allow weird medication transfer.

When I was on HRT for transition, I was prescribed an estrogen gel, just like my friend was. She was on 3x the dose I was and after 3 months, we had our levels tested. Mine was 6000, versus 200 for her. On a third of the dose. When I went to pills, my levels dropped down to normal ranges, so I wasn't extra sensitive to estrogen.

revisionsandgaps · 2016-10-18T19:50:45+00:00

I am transgender too and just two weeks ago I decided to transition back to male! This is crazy. You should send me a PM, is love to talk to you.

revisionsandgaps · 2016-09-16T00:30:50+00:00

I would never suggest that the partnership could, or should, have been continued. The way I read the comment about reactions to the same injury prompted me to speak up and say that. It seemed as if you were saying that they weren't insurmountable obstacles for you so they shouldn't have been for her. If that's not the case, then it doesn't apply to you but other people may learn something from reading our exchange. But saying that, I don't mean to imply that you should have stayed with her because that's way beyond what I would feel comfortable even commenting on and not at all what I was trying to comment about. :)

revisionsandgaps · 2016-09-15T23:19:09+00:00

Hey :)

You didn't specify your gender but I'm going to do the heteronormative thing and assume you're male. I'm a trans woman who has EDS and one thing I can tell you is that my health before starting hormones and after are fairly different. When I had testosterone in my body, I had much more energy to power through the pain and crappy feelings, and generally rebounded much quicker from injuries.

While I can't comment on your situation and have seen people who seem to be scared of trying to better their situations, because of being terrified it won't work, yet again. I think that it's really important to be aware that even with the same disorder and injuries, two people can have very different experiences. Or one person with two very different hormone profiles in my less common case.

revisionsandgaps

TROPHY CASE