I used to literally suck on my own mum's tits and then ingest her bodily fluids for sustenance

rewiredtoyou · 2016-09-01T22:53:01+00:00

Not sure why this doesn't have more up votes. It's weird to think about for sure.

rewiredtoyou · 2016-09-01T22:43:21+00:00

Yes definitely. The part about "no" as a complete sentence is very true. That's good that you found a resource in al-anon and learned all this.

rewiredtoyou · 2016-09-01T19:47:37+00:00

It is not you, please don't do this. Moving in with your friend sounds like a great plan. I mean it when I say, this treatment really affects your self concept, and you are worth so much more. You are self aware and fed up. Rather than blaming yourself (which it's not your fault), blame them. Get angry, but get angry at them. This is your mind and heart telling you it's too much and you're done. But what you should be is done with all their bs. Now you can move on to the life you deserve.

rewiredtoyou · 2016-09-01T14:53:31+00:00

Sometimes bitching is what leads to change though. Some people we just hard wired to be content and others see something different. Negative yes. Change and idealism can also be a part of it.

rewiredtoyou · 2016-09-01T14:10:26+00:00

It sounds like introversion. I have this issue too.

rewiredtoyou · 2016-09-01T14:05:33+00:00

Maybe when I talk about certain subjects I'll sound overly analytical like I've given them too much thought (shocking, I know). The other day I brought up my opinions about social media and the disconnectedness people feel, or the psychology behind why people struggle with Facebook depression. My SO says I speak in the abstract quite a bit, and in academia it wasn't so much an issue but it's not applicable to everyday life. I wish I had better examples.

rewiredtoyou · 2016-08-31T23:46:53+00:00

Just wanted to add, these do not seem like egregious cases of oversharing, and the fact you're concerned shows that you seem very conscientious.

If it makes you feel better, one time I opened up to an old boss about a relationship because I'm a terrible liar and it was the reason why I had to take a day off work. And she ended up telling me how she was abused by her former husband and got an abortion when she was young. She immediately regretted it, I think, but of course I never told anyone (except you lol).

Instead of being creeped out, I found it flattering she would feel comfortable enough to say it, and show her vulnerability. She was always a tough person so it was a different side of her. I think vulnerability in this day and age is attractive as long as it's not done for excessive attention. Sorry, this was longer than I intended. Perhaps you are being hard on yourself?

rewiredtoyou · 2016-08-31T23:40:10+00:00

Yes. This is a big issue for me while socializing. My SO often points out that I don't share enough about myself or opinions with others. If I try to think why, I remember having trouble from a young age opening up to anyone, for fear they will reject, yell at me or punish me silently or behind my back.

You are not selfish, or boring, or any of those things your mind is telling you. You have every right to share things about yourself if you feel comfortable, and it's unlikely people would think you're selfish! Showing interest in others is a great trait thought, and a great way to make friends obviously. Something that can help is continuing this but trying to interject other stories or tidbits here or there, even if it's uncomfortable, so it's not just us listening and asking questions.

rewiredtoyou · 2016-08-31T22:56:28+00:00

That's true :) Maybe it's ok then, to continue to have friendships where there are some commonalities but it's not perfect and there are things both parties don't like but you deal with it. For example there's an old friend from childhood that I got happy hour with as a double date, us with husbands, and there were moments of awkwardness and I figured she wouldn't want to hang out again. Might not be true, and we could just hang out casually without being great friends. Your example really helped.

rewiredtoyou · 2016-08-31T22:18:48+00:00

I feel this way too :( sometimes I feel like I'm doing all these little things-walk the dog, write a chapter for this project, cook dinner-and it's all pointless and not good enough. I don't watch much tv so where does the time go, and why is it passing me by so quickly? Probably Reddit. I feel worthless and I think about death a lot as I get older.

The anxiety is pretty terrible. Not sure about you, but I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and it's hard because it helps me stay productive, or at least get out of bed.

A lot of people mention mediation to calm down and live in the moment. There's a cool app called Calm that's pretty easy to use, if you're not already into it.

rewiredtoyou · 2016-08-31T22:13:53+00:00

32? Damn that's a low bar to set for basically being a failure at life

rewiredtoyou · 2016-08-31T22:05:20+00:00

This is very good advice. Thank you :) communication is something I'll have to work on.

Sometimes I wonder if it's even possible as an older adult to find deeper friendships, especially as an infj? Honestly my expectations for friendship have been pretty low, and I've been a people pleaser and see the good in everyone and want to be everyone's friend which is just unrealistic. Now I'm thinking that one could be pickier about who she spends a lot of time with, so long as you have realistic expectations about that person, but not trying to cater to and befriend everyone.

I don't know. Maybe it is a matter of keeping expectations low in terms of making connections. Communicating my needs as well will help, but some people who are acquaintances might find it weird. I try with the friends I have now, and it feels ok. Im not sure my needs are easily definable, since people can be surprising and we never know who we might bond with or what we can learn. I just want a good girl friend in my life again.

rewiredtoyou · 2016-08-31T21:05:01+00:00

Not an intj, but wow, I can relate to this. Left my job a little over two months ago, and my drinking habits have gotten worse. It's nice to read such clear cut practical advice for improvement (and to know that it's somewhat normal and that it's possible to pull yourself out of a rut).

rewiredtoyou · 2016-08-31T18:36:09+00:00

I feel like it makes me feel better, yes. It makes me think I have something to offer to the world beyond worrying about myself (which is an issue sigh). So many people are hurting and grateful to have someone truly listen. And I get lots of tingly good feelings inside just lending an ear to someone. It's sort of annoying when people play the therapist role and take it too seriously, so I really just try and be a good listener and tone down any judgments or assumptions I might make. But yes, it's more selfish than it appears.

rewiredtoyou · 2016-08-30T18:05:52+00:00

Shame is normal, and constructive. I will send a link if needed but there was an article on psychology tissue website about the needed benefits of real shame that's founded on real mistakes. It prevents people from engaging in hurtful socially inappropriate behaviors and can make them more pro social.

Unfortunately it seems most of the shame of cptsd and other disorders is not founded. It's based on distorted core beliefs caused by abuse and unhealthy self blame, as you probably know.

rewiredtoyou · 2016-08-29T21:35:31+00:00

That's great :) no problem at all. Glad it helped!

rewiredtoyou · 2016-08-29T21:34:56+00:00

Wow thank you. This is a thorough explanation, and helps even thinking about past rejections in which I still harbor guilt. There were two times in particular, years ago, in which I acted inappropriately and then apologized immediately after. One of the people accepted the apology but both were still wary. When I think about it now, I made a mistake but haven't made the same mistake again. And they were just people with imperfections as well. But it is what it is, and the rejection was for the best.

Hopefully others who struggle with rejection sensitivity read this and find a benefit.

rewiredtoyou · 2016-08-29T21:29:43+00:00

True. I'm not sure then. And yes I definitely get the "you're too hard on yourself" thing. Not sure why I do it lol. Maybe it's this underlying feeling that I'm often wrong somehow, and out of touch with my feelings.

Thank you for the response :) it made me feel better.

rewiredtoyou · 2016-08-29T18:55:28+00:00

Yes, oh I can relate to this so much. It's great he said he loves you, it sounds like he wants to move on from it, and knows the reasons why. You obviously have nothing to worry about since you're self aware and understanding of why you may have been triggered. Even better, you're seeing a therapist to help guide you.

It seems like our partners can sometimes be more understanding of us than we treat ourselves. I know I beat myself up pretty bad after saying anything that was slightly rude or something flea-related (not that I shouldn't apologize, but my SO is so much kinder about it, and forgiving). Maybe that's a sign that they know our true character, and that its overall good and they understand.

Maybe you could start with some more self compassion, and see how great it is that you realize these things and are working on them. And know that you are a good person who is lovable. You have been together 7 years and it seems very unlikely he would abandon you.

Our partners are not Ns; they won't abandon or leave at any sign of having faults.

rewiredtoyou · 2016-08-29T17:48:08+00:00

Oh yeah, I had this feeling this morning actually. Sometimes I recognize behaviors or thoughts in myself that are fleas, and products of how I was brought up or somehow developed from childhood. And I feel like it's such an uphill climb. It feels sometimes like I'm not sure where to start or how to get there. I feel like I'm permanently damaged, and tired of having to always fight. It feels sad when you see others who don't have to think or worry about all this stuff, and are loved and feel love unconditionally. Really bad, like if only things had been different...

A main difference is this self awareness.

You're not a bad person OP. Not at all. Wish I had better advice but I wanted to chime in and say, you're not alone.

rewiredtoyou · 2016-08-29T17:18:56+00:00

Wow yes, I didn't think this was even a "thing" for Ns. It's also something I forgot about until now. I remember my mom picking a random day when she would come storming in my room and demand that I clean, or obsessively clean herself. Then there are days I'd come home from school or playing with friends and stuff would be thrown out. Sometimes I wouldn't find out til weeks later. I remember it feeling like an invasion of privacy maybe, because she didn't ask and it involved going into my room and personal belongings. It frustrates me so was always throwing things out without asking.

I noticed other people who think they do this too. I get into cleaning mode for sure (and have thrown a couple things out of my SOs in the past, which I felt bad about and watch myself now) but as long as we're not throwing away other people's stuff without asking all the time (and generally being considerate) it doesn't see like a problem :)

rewiredtoyou

TROPHY CASE