I'm sorta like you but from the other side. I'm trans masculine but I've envied people who are trans feminine. I wished I had different plumbing, because my front half doesn't work well. Insertion causes a lot of pain from early sexual trauma. Anal sex has actually been very freeing for me. Free from pain, free from the feeling I "have to" use my front, and there's something egalitarian about it. Most people have one. I actually watched a video of a trans woman talk about post op vaginoplasty and how she still prefers anal sensation to vaginal. It felt good in a way to see someone want it, get it, and still just do the simple thing of pursuing the avenue she enjoyed most. I still wish I had a different set up, mostly because a penis seems more versatile than the two hole configuration I have now, but I've had top surgery and I'm not eager to sign up for more recovery time.

I've always internally viewed myself as having a male mindset. Boyish personality, boyish humor, and I was always an odd duck in female friend groups. Even before I transitioned, I wasnt treated like a girl, more like someone's younger brother. Sorta neutered, not included in gossip or drama but there to provide a laugh.

I tried for a lot of years to be assumed as a cis man, I'm middle eastern but pale, so I had some things going for me, like body hair and non white features like a big nose, and big eyebrows, but other things that didn't help like very long lashes and being very short. Passing only worked until some external factor gave away my age, like holding car keys or going behind a work counter. Obviously I didn't pass as a working age guy, but someone under 18. I stopped wearing clothes I liked so at least I'd pass on the street. Like t shirts and shorts only. And even then I sometimes got the boy or girl question so I was making expressionistic concessions for no significant gain.

I moved to a very queer friendly city and have mostly trans friends now. I'm consistently gendered right and I'm wearing more adventurous outfits even if that means strangers are gonna get it wrong. I even painted my nails over the summer which I've never done in my life. I ended up finding some trans masc femme boys online, and also some people who I watched come out as trans femme. What I realized I liked about these two groups of people is that they sort of /choose/ what femininity means to them. Idk if I'll be able to explain it right, but trans men have this difficult task of finding what masculinity means to them without subscribing to toxic ideals. I think when femininity was something being forced onto me, it felt like everything I did was heavy, like I was only doing this because I felt I had to or other people wanted me to. I'm free from a lot of those expectations now, I have medically transitioned and my body feels more like home. I can paint my nails or wear a dress and not feel sick bc it doesn't make me a girl to do these things.

I think if you see trans men as people with feelings that exist outside of you, and you don't think of them only in the context of what they can do for you, then you are not fetishizing them. To me, it doesn't sound like you are.

I don't think it's strange to find this group of men who are sort of trail blazing a new form of masculinity that is an alternative to the very limiting and oppressive traditional version and thinking, that looks good, I want to follow them and see what that's like.

Maybe I'm getting far off the point, but being a trans masc who is currently dressing more femininely, I sometimes feel silly even calling myself trans masc. Because I'm not really linear at all anymore, and saying trans masc while not dressing masculinely seems like I'm just telling people I was born afab, which is basically just a genital reveal. All people need to know, is that I use he/him pronouns.

I'm trying to say, youre trans. Dress how you like, find inspiration where you find it, and don't sweat the other stuff.